A/N: This will be a drabble-y collection of letters. If they're on the show, the character is fair game. If the episode has been aired in the U.S., it's fair game. If they've exhibited any sort of chemistry at all, their romantic feelings are fair game. There's no rhyme or reason to the order of the letters, and whether they're humorous or angsty or tragic or familial is equally up in the air, but every chapter will get a tag at the top to let you know who, what, and if there's any spoilery bits.

Letter One: Lisbon

Response: Jane

Genre: Humor/Snark

Memorandum: For Distribution

Distribution: Homicide; RICO; Gang Activity Task Force; Serious Crimes; Vice; Traffic; Cyber Crimes; Administration; Accounting; Booking; Security; Janitorial; any other carbon-based life forms within the CBI building, including the ficus plants in the lobby

To whom it may concern:

Jane, a.k.a. Patrick Jane, that crazy psychic, the guy in the suit with the magic tricks, and Botticelli's Angel (yes, secretarial pool, I know what you call him), is SUSPENDED.

If any of you let him into the building, regardless of whether he tricked, charmed, coerced or slimeballed his way through your weak defenses, I will make your life miserable. If that's not possible, I'll at least have Cho follow you around and stare at you until you are unnerved to the point of tears. If that doesn't work, I'm parking Rigsby in front of your refrigerators and encouraging Van Pelt to espouse the virtues of converting to Christianity, loudly, in your bullpens and offices. I will also personally invite every last one of your teenage daughters to stare fatuously at Jane and his stupid hair while I point out that it is every girl's duty to date at least one boy that will make her father wish he'd gotten that vasectomy a few decades earlier. Afterwards, I'll take them all out to a tattoo parlor. In Tijuana.

So while Special Agent in Charge Hightower claims that she won't "officially" suspend Jane for this latest stunt, I am making it PERFECTLY clear that I am suspending him in action, if not record. Keep him out of the building and away from me until Monday morning. If I see him before then, I assure you, you will all pay. Dearly.

Teresa Lisbon

Senior Agent, SCU

Memorandum: For Lisbon

Distribution: Just You

To she who is enraged:

That was quite the diatribe; I had Mary from Accounting photocopy it for me (I'm considering having it framed so I can show it off with as much pride as Agent Beecham shows that photo of his Springer Spaniel, Lady Schmoogle). I'm pleasantly surprised at your deadly sense of vengeance; your threats were adorable and perfectly formulated for maximum terror, though I can assure you that the ficus trees were perfectly innocent of my dastardly plot to re-enter the CBI building.

Your memo is definitely a keepsake, if for no other reason than I have finally well and truly angered you. I didn't think it could be done to this extent, at least not without being arrested for murdering Red John. Imagine my surprise. In any event, since you've already clearly elucidated your intention to break my nose if you see me, I took the liberty of checking the integrity of your home security system while you were so diligently working your shift at CBI. Really, Lisbon, your youngest brother's birthday is hardly a secure passcode; you ought to get that changed. Please enjoy the presents I left you. The strawberries in particular were hard to come by this time of year. Let's hear it for hot house gardeners, though.

Patrick Jane

Botticelli's Angel (I am rather fond of that one, actually)