Spencer Shay awoke with a startle in an unfamiliar place. After the fog of his slumber receded a bit he was able to remember where he was: the couch in Socko's living room. They had celebrated Socko's birthday last night and the drinking had gotten a little out of hand. Spencer normally wouldn't have stayed out all night drinking, but Carly was gone on a school trip to Olympia for a few days and he felt entitled to one night of irresponsible young-adult behavior. Though he was sure he would later regret the hangover that was sure to come.

His cell phone rang again and he realized what had woken him up in the first place. Picking up the phone he saw the call was coming from the Benson's apartment across the hall from his own.

"Hello" Spencer finally said his voice still a bit heavy with sleep.

"Hi, is this Spencer Shay?" an unfamiliar female voice asked. When Spencer replied in the affirmative the woman spoke again. "You don't know me, my name is Holly Benson and I am Marissa Benson's sister. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"That's ok," Spencer looked around the room and saw that it was 11:45, "I should be up anyway. How can I help you?"

"Can you come over to my sister's? Something happened and I think I need to talk to you in person."

Spencer was suddenly very alert, no trace sleepiness left. "Sure, but I'm not at home right now. I can be there in about 30 minutes. Is everything ok?"

"Please come as soon as you can."

Spencer bolted up from the couch as soon as the call ended. He had fallen asleep in his clothes but he had no idea where his shoes wound up. After five minutes of searching he found them in the kitchen and once they were on went to make sure Socko was still alive. Approaching his bedroom door, he could hear him snoring loudly all the way from the hallway. Satisfied that he wasn't in need of any immediate medical attention he left quietly through the front door and headed back to Bushwell Plaza on his motorcycle, thoughts of what could have happened running through his head.

Did something happen to Mrs. Benson? Did Freddie ask his aunt to call him? He knew Mrs. Benson was working overnights at the hospital and was working a lot of double shifts as well; all in an attempt to save money for a class trip to Europe next July that Freddie wanted to attend. That kind of workload can stress anyone, especially Mrs. Benson, Spencer thought. She always seemed slightly stressed under normal circumstances.

Arriving at Bushwell, Spencer debated whether or not to change his clothes first. He had made good time from Socko's and decided to quickly change his clothes before going over to the Benson's. A quick application of deodorant, a fresh t-shirt and reasonably clean jeans, Spencer found himself knocking on the door to 8-D.

A woman he didn't recognize opened the door. She was tall like Mrs. Benson with the same brown hair, but instead of brown eyes, hers were hazel. She appeared older than she sounded on the phone; she was in her late 30's he guessed. Realizing this must be Holly he said, "I'm Spencer, I think we spoke earlier".

"Please come in," Holly was on the verge of tears. "Marissa's asleep in her bedroom."

Leading Spencer into the living room, Holly introduced him to another man he vaguely recognized on the couch. "This is Dr. Matthews; he lives here in the building. He is a friend of Marissa's from the hospital."

That must be whey he seemed to recognize him, they must have crossed paths here in the building. "Nice to meet you," Spencer said holding out his hand. After shaking hands Spencer sat down on the couch opposite Dr. Matthews while Holly took a seat in one of the armchairs. "So what happened, where's Freddie?"

Holly couldn't hold back her tears any more and it was Dr. Matthews who spoke. "Spencer, I'm very sorry that we have to formally meet under these circumstances, but Freddie's not here. He died sometime early this morning or late last night."

Spencer was utterly shocked, he just couldn't conceive of Freddie being dead. He had spoken to him just the other day when he came over to take care of some technical stuff for iCarly. It felt like all the breath was being sucked out of his body, but he still managed to ask how.

Dr. Matthews seemed slightly uncomfortable, but he answered calmly and matter-of-factly, "he killed himself by cutting his wrists open in the bathtub. Marissa found him this morning. She called 911 but it was too late, there was nothing they could do at the hospital. Someone there knew we were friends and called me. I am a psychiatrist on staff there; Marissa was near hysterical when I brought her home. She asked me to call her sister and then I gave her a very strong sedative."

Holly finally spoke, choking back sobs. "We found four envelopes on the desk in his bedroom. One was for Marissa; the other three were addressed to you, a Carly and a Sam. Do you know them?"

"Carly is my sister and Sam is her and Freddie's best friend." Spencer was in a daze. Freddie had killed himself. "Why?" Spencer didn't realize he had asked that last question out loud.

Holly looked to Dr. Matthews; he was the one who finally spoke. "Freddie had been suffering from clinical depression. He was first diagnosed formally around 18 months ago. Initially his treatment consisted of weekly therapy sessions which worked very well. However about 6 months ago he began to have more frequent and more severe depressive episodes. His doctor put him on a medication for the first time. Unfortunately, this medication either didn't handle suicidal thoughts he might have already been having, or caused them in the first place."

Spencer was having difficulty processing all of this. "I never knew any of this, how come nobody told me? Did Carly know?"

"I don't know if he ever told Carly," Dr. Matthews replied, "but I seriously doubt it. Marissa and I spoke quite often about Freddie's condition. Apparently Freddie was quite ashamed to be suffering from clinical depression in the first place and made Marissa swear that she would tell nobody. I was the only person she broke that promise with. Not even his other family members knew." Dr. Matthews nodded in Holly's direction. "Did you know what happened to Freddie's father?" When Spencer shook his head no Dr. Matthews continued, "He committed suicide when Freddie was two years old. He shot himself in the head in the living room while Freddie was in a pack-and-play in the corner. Even though Freddie was only two, Marissa was always worried it would scar him. It's one reason she was so overprotective."

"Is she going to be ok? Is there anything I can do to help?" Spencer suddenly realized just how hard this would have to be on Mrs. Benson.

Holly spoke up first, "I wish I knew if she was going to be ok. More family is coming into Seattle now; I am her only local family. I think you're going to have your hands full with your sister and their friend Sam, though."

"Spencer, I want you take this. It's my card; on the back I have written my home and cell numbers as well. Besides being a psychiatrist I do quite a bit of grief counseling. Please call me anytime day or night if you feel the need to talk, or Carly feels the need to talk as well. I live on the tenth floor and can be here in a matter of minutes. Would you like me to be there when you tell Carly?"

"She's not here now; she won't be back until tomorrow, Sunday. She was in love with Freddie, how can I tell her this?" Spencer was trying not to cry, the tears were just barely being held in check. "This is going to devastate her. How do I tell her?"

Dr. Matthews squared up to Spencer and put his hands on Spencer's shoulders. Just tell her in a very calm and straightforward manner. And then be there for her. Let her cry, let her do what she needs to do, and comfort her as much as possible. If she cares about Freddie as much as you said, then she is going to have a long grieving process ahead of her. You have my card; please call me if you want me to be there. I cared about Freddie and I care about Marissa very much and I want to help. Promise me you'll call me if you need help."

Spencer nodded his head. "I will. Thanks for the offer. I'll probably be calling you."

"And I'll probably call you too just to see how you and Carly are doing."

Spencer got up from the couch and Holly showed him to the door, handing him the trio of envelopes. "Spencer, I have to warn you. I read the note Freddie left for Marissa, it was very hard to take. I don't have a clue what he wrote to you, but I just want to let you know it might be difficult to take. Just remember, Freddie was sick and I think it's the illness talking through these notes, not Freddie himself."

Even though Spencer had never met this woman before, she was in obvious pain, and Spencer did what came natural to him. He took her into an embrace; she buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed. After a few minutes she stopped and pulled back from him. "Thanks, I think I really needed that."

"It's no problem at all. If you need me I'll be right across the hallway. Please let me know if there is anything, anything at all, I can do for you and Mrs. Benson. I'll probably come by later today just to check up on things. Ok?"

"Thanks. We would really appreciate that." Spencer crossed the hallway to his own apartment door and was about to enter when Holly called out to him.

"Spencer, I'm really sorry we had to tell you that".