Title: Romance Done Spitefully
Author: Sushi Chi (Ontinia on LJ)
Prompt: 10 Things I Hate About You
Character/Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, Tosh/Tommy, Rhys/Gwen, Owen/Diane, Martha/Tom (past), Ianto/Lisa (past), Owen/Gwen (slight), Doctor, Donna, Rose
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: None
Spoilers: Up to 'Last Man Standing'
Word Count: 16458 (overall)
Summary: How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
Disclaimer: I do not own either Torchwood or 10 Things I Hate About You. I'm just borrowing them for the moment.
A/N: I followed the script of the movie pretty well mainly because I actually think it's a rather brilliant script. But there are some changes in it. I do hope you all enjoy the story.
Huge thanks to GluttonousAnorexiaNervosa who was my beta. She was awesome and delt with me getting paranoid about her being done with the beta in time.
Done for the community Reel_TW on LJ.

Chapter One

Torchwood High is a large school, some of the kids called it the Wayne Manor of schools. Kids meet with their friends and talk about the weekend they just had, quickly finishing their homework, and some trying not to be noticed. Unknown to these kids is that there is a new one joining them.

Rhys Williams sat in the Guidance Councilor's office waiting for Ms. Noble to finish typing on her computer. Ms. Noble smiled at the screen and then turned to Rhys, "So, Rhys, here we go." She smiled and looked at his transcripts, "Nine schools in ten years. My, my Sunshine, that's a number. Army brat?"

Rhys was nodding, "Sorta, my dad's more in the-" he was cut off before he could say RAF.

"That's enough." Ms. Noble set the paper down, "I'm sure you won't find Torchwood any different than your old school." Rhys couldn't help but jump when something hit her window, "Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere." She let out a loud laugh.

"Excuse me?" Rhys asked, worried, "Did you just say-? Am I in the right office?" He looked around worried.

"Not anymore you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish." Ms. Nobel said, "Run along now Sunshine."

Rhys nodded and quickly stood up. As he walked through the door he ran into a taller boy who was a little older than him. He had perfectly styled hair and some of the bluest eyes Rhys had ever seen. When the boy grinned Rhys was glad the sun wasn't coming in the window otherwise he might have been blinded.

Ms. Noble smiled to the boy who walked in as he winked at her, "Jack Harkness. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual."

"Only so we can have these moments together, Donna." His grin widened some as his voice got a sort of purr to it, "Shall I hit the lights?"

"Oh very clever, American Boy." Donna picked up a different piece of paper, "Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?"

Jack sighed, "I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst."

"Bratwurst?" Donna looked him up and down, "Aren't we the optimist? Next time keep it in your pants. Okay?" She sat the paper down, "You can run along as well." After he left she went back to her computer, reading through her file - a racy romance novel she's been writing - as she adds the word 'bratwurst' to the sentence she was writing.

{{{{|

A Japanese girl saw Rhys and smiled at him, "Toshiko Sato. Tosh. I'm supposed to show you around."

"Oh, hi." Rhys sighed in relief, "Thank god. You know normally they send down on of those audio/visual geeks."

Tosh blinked, "I know what you mean." She idly wondered if that is what she really was. Shrugging she continued on, "So, Rhys. Here's the breakdown." She led him across the school grounds. "Over here are your basic beautiful people." she nodded her head to a group that were indeed very nice looking, "Now listen, unless they talk to you first, don't bother."

"But wait. Is that your rule or theirs?"

She gave a tight smile, "Watch this." She walked near one, "Hey there."

"Eat me."

She joined Rhys, "See that?" She continued walking through the crowd of kids, "To the left we have the Coffee Kids. Very edgy, don't make any sudden movements around them." They move on to a group kids dressed all in black with their faces painted white, "These are the-"

"Let me guess, Goths." Rhys said.

"They prefer Emo, but yes." Tosh nodded as they walked a bit farther, coming to a group of kids who were clearly smart, bent over text books. "These are the geniuses'." She smiled at them as one muttered something about 'Mary' and none-to-subtly shunned Tosh. When walking away Tosh sighed, "Yesterday they couldn't stop asking me questions."

"What happened?"

"Mary told them I had sex with her and stole her notes and that's how I knew all the answers." She sighed.

"So they believed her?"

"It's easy to believe the lies she tells are everything." Tosh answered. "But don't worry, they'll pay." After a second pause she went to continue, "Now, over here-"

"Oh my god." Rhys said, very distracted. "What group is she in?" Tosh followed his gaze to a girl with dark hair with large eyes, freckles and a gap in her teeth.

"The 'don't even think about it' group." Tosh sighed, "That's Gwen Jones. A sophomore."

"I burn! I pine! I perish!" Rhys said, not taking his eyes off her.

"Of course you do." Tosh sighed, "You know she's beautiful and deep. Pure."

The two walked closer and were able to hear Gwen talking with her friend, Diane, "Yep, see, there's a difference between 'like' and 'love'. Because I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada backpack."

Diane frowned, "But I love my Sketchers."

Gwen shrugged, "That's because you don't have a Prada backpack."

Diane grinned, "Ooh. Right."

Tosh took Rhys aside, "Look, forget about her. Incredibly uptight Step Mum. It's a widely known fact that the Jones kids aren't allowed to date."
Rhys nodded, clearly not listening.

{{{|

A teacher sat on his desk, his hair standing up on end. The name plate on his desk which had once read 'John Smith' but had since been crossed out and now read simply, 'Doctor'. He glanced out at his bored looking class as he suddenly jumped off the desk, "So, so so so. What did everything think of The Sun Also Rises?"

A girl held up her hand and smiled when he nodded at her, "I loved it." Sighing, she continued, "It was so romantic."

A man wearing jeans with a waistcoat and tie rolled his eyes, "Romantic? Hemmingway? He was an alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to lay his leftovers."

A few seats over a guy, clearly popular, snorted. "As opposed to you, Ianto? A bitter self-righteous fag who has no friends?"

Ianto Jones turned and glared at him as a few giggles escaped the other students.

"Fingers to lips, Owen." The Doctor kept his gaze on Owen Harper until he complied and put a finger to his lips.

"Why can't we read something interesting? Like the Count of Monte Cristo? Or The Canterbury Tales? The Scarlet Letter? Animal Farm?" Ianto asked, doing his best to ignore Owen.

Jack suddenly stepped into the classroom, clearly late. Grinning he asked, "What'd I miss?"

"The fact that our education is lacking." Ianto replied, not turning around.

Jack nodded, "Good." He turned and walked back out.

The Doctor started to protest before realizing the youth would do as he wishes. He leaned back against his desk as conversation continued.

"Doctor," Owen started, "is there any way we can get Ianto to drink coffee before class?"

"Someday, Owen," The Doctor started, "you're gonna get kicked in the balls and I'm not going to do a thing to stop it." He turned to Ianto, "And Ianto, thank you for your point of view." Ianto nodded his head in thanks. The Doctor continued, "But you didn't raise your hand and started this small bicker fight so, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I've gotta send you to the office."

Ianto sighed and gathered his things before walking out. He stood in the doorway watching Donna write her romance novel, talking to herself.

"Undulating with desire, Donna removes her crimson cape...excitable, stiff and…" She sighed and looked up, surprised to see Ianto, "What's another word for engorged?"

"Tumescent?" Ianto suggested, taking a seat across from Donna's desk.

"Perfect!" Donna beamed as she typed and saved the document, "I hear you were terrorizing the Doctor's class again."

Ianto shrugged. "I don't see how expressing my opinion is a terrorist action."

Donna looked the boy over, "The same way you expressed your opinion to John Hart?" She paused, "The surgery to remove the stick from his arse went well, in case you're interested."

Ianto shrugged, "I still maintain that he put the stick there himself."

Donna sighed, she knew that John had called Ianto an Eye Candy and asked him what it felt like having a stick up his arse all the time to which Ianto somehow overpowered the other boy and stuck one up his, then said now he knew. "Ianto, people perceive you as-" she paused, unsure what to say.

"Apathetic?" Ianto supplied.

"'A cold robot' is the term used most often." Donna decided. Ianto seemed unaffected. "You might want to work on that."

Ianto nodded, getting up from his chair, "As always, thank you for your excellent guidance. I'll let you get back to Lee's quivering member."

As he left Donna's eyebrows rose, "Quivering member. I like that." She said to herself.

{{{|

Owen was talking to a friend when the friend saw Gwen and Diane walked by. Hitting Owen in on the arm, he said, "Virgin alert."

Owen turned and grinned at them. "Looking good, ladies."

They giggled and kept walking.

The friend rolled his eyes, "They're out of reach, even for you."

"No one's out of reach for me."

"You wanna put money on that?"

Owen smirked, "Money I've got, this I'm gonna do for fun."

Across the school grounds Toshiko and Rhys notice Owen staring at Gwen. Rhys couldn't help but bristle when he saw Owen, "Who's that guy?"

"That's Owen Harper. He's a jerk." Tosh paused, "And a model."

"He's a model?" Rhys looked down, thinking he couldn't compete with that. Not if the guy was a model.

"A model." Tosh nodded, "Mostly regional stuff. But he's rumored to have a tube sock ad coming out."

Rhys snorted, "Really?"

Tosh smirked, "Really." The amusement was clear in her tone. The two shared a laugh before Rhys turned his attention back to Gwen.

"Tosh, look at her. Is she always so-"

"-Vapid?" Tosh supplied.

"How can you say that? She's totally-" Rhys defended.

"-Conceited?" Tosh asked again.

"What are you talking about?" Tosh rolled her eyes, "There's more to her than you think. I mean, look. Just look at the way she smiles with that cute little gap in her teeth." He ignored Tosh's mutters something about it not being little. "And look at her eyes. She's totally pure. I mean, you just can't see what's there."

Tosh glanced again at Gwen but remained unconvinced, "No, Rhys. No. What's there is a Princess who wears a strategically planned sundress to convince guys like you to realize that you can never touch her and guys like him," she motioned over to Owen, "realize that they want to. She, my friend, is what you will spend the rest of your life not having." She patted him on the shoulder in a consoling manner.

"No." Rhys protested.

"Move on." Tosh really wished he'd listen to her, he couldn't get stuck on someone like Gwen, it would only end in heartbreak.

"No, you're wrong about her."

"Alright. I'm wrong?" Tosh shrugged, "You wanna take a shot? Be my guest. She's actually looking for a French Tudor."

Rhys grinned, "You're serious! That's perfect!"

"Do you speak French?" Tosh really shouldn't be too surprised by the fact, it was a large school and he had moved around a lot-

"Well no. But I will."

{{{|

Classes were over and all the students were racing to their cars so they could escape. Ianto and his friend Tommy were walking to Ianto's car when Owen appeared in his red sports car, "Hey Jeeves, you going for the teaboy look?"

Ianto rolled his eyes, "Run along." The two friends continue walking. Owen sneered and drove off towards Gwen and Diane.

"I know you can be overwhelmed. You can be under whelmed." Diane started, "But can you ever just be whelmed?"

Gwen thought about it, "I think you can in Italy."

Owen pulled up beside the two, "Hi ladies. Would you sweet young birds like a ride?" The two grin at each other before hopping into the car, "Careful of the leather."

Tommy noticed this and elbowed Ianto, "That's a charming new development."

"It's disgusting." Ianto replied simply.

Toshiko meanwhile was on her motorized scooter when it suddenly stopped running in front of where Ianto's car. Popping his head out the window he yelled, "Remove head from sphincter then drive."

Tosh rolled her eyes and moved her scooter to where Rhys was standing, watching Ianto drive off. "You alright?" Rhys asked.

Tosh nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the robot. That's your girlfriend's brother."

"What? That's Gwen's brother?" Rhys couldn't believe it, Gwen was so perfect and from what he'd seen of Ianto, he wasn't.

"Mmhm." Tosh said, "The apathetic Welshman himself." She fiddled a bit on her scooter before it started back up. "See you later, Rhys," she called as she drove off.