Loveless

Things started to move very quickly. I was pulled away from my family that very night and forced to stay up without sleeping while the Elders prayed for me. Or to me. I am not sure which.

They took me into the inner sanctum of our stone pyramids, a place that could only be visited by people who were hand chosen by Shamans. It was a place of ritual and training. I remember seeing statues of men, practicing the Dancing Dragon, and a pedestal with a gold egg in the center of the room.

The Elders chanted around me in a circle while I stood in the center of them. I didn't speak.

They started to light sticks on fire that puffed out dense clouds of smoke. I breathed it in and started to feel strange. The more I breathed, the harder it was to focus. Eventually, I started to see things. Things that could not have been real, like a bird that was on fire but somehow was not burning. I saw rain clouds inside the pyramid and swore that I felt water fall on my face.

Then everything went black and I had a vision! One that would haunt me for years, just like that damn riddle.

That night I had a dream of a man climbing a mountain, in hopes of reaching the sun. At the base of the mountain was the moon. The more the man climbed, the farther away the moon went. When he finally reached the top of the mountain, he touched the sun…but he burned his hand. He looked back down and saw that the moon had vanished.

I woke up the next day, late in the afternoon. My head felt like jagged stones were grinding inside them. The pyramid was empty and all of the priests had gone away. I could hear birds chirping from outside of the temple, and the sounds of the villagers moving around. The top of the pyramid has an open space and light shined down onto me.

"What did you see?" A voice asked me. I looked around. Heka-Ma was sitting cross-legged in one corner. Several pots and plates were by his side and smoke was coming from burning incense. We were alone.

"What happened?" I asked.

"You received a message from the Spirits. Sit over here boy. Tell me, what did you see?" He unfolded a brown skin mat and sprawled it out in front of him. Clumsily, I wobbled over to him and sat down. "Don't worry. The drug will wear off in a few moments."

His face was softer, not as threatening as he did before. He looked old. He looked tired.

I told him of my dream and he nodded as he listened.

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"I don't know. It took me decades to find out what my vision meant. You'll have to spend the rest of your life figuring out your own fate." I felt like arguing, but I was still very groggy.

"Why…" I reached above my head. The Shaman's head ornament was still tied in my hair.

"Why did I choose you?"

"Yeah. Why?" I shook my head and blinked. The drug kept acting up. It felt like someone was kicking the back of my head. I heard Heka-Ma sigh and watched him shake his head. He moved his hands over a few cups, eventually handing me one with a brown liquid in it.

"Drink. It will clear your head." I sipped it. It tasted horrible, but in seconds I felt right as rain. "Now, you want to know why I chose a skinny little nobody who couldn't even find a decent bride to marry?"

"Please, don't talk about Jen-ka that way." I said. I wasn't scared of him anymore.

"Jen-ka. That is her name then?"

"Yes."

"Is she pretty?"

"Well…yes."

"And you still…care about her, yes?"

"Of course I do. I am going to marry her."

Heka-ma's face turned grim again. "I…chose you. That is all you need to know. Sometimes there is no reason for being pick or being left behind. Did you chose to be born with an unlucky omen from your mother?"

"How did you know…"

"I know much more than you could imagine young one. And over the next year, you will learn those things too."

"A year?" I scratched my head. "But…I am going to be married in a few months."

"Son…I am a very old man. I am not married. Do you think I could not get a wife?" He inhaled deeply, like he was sad. "The Shaman cannot have a bride."

"What?" I raised my voice and it echoed over the pyramid. "What do you mean?"

"The Shaman cannot be married. It is against the rules."

"But…the Shaman is the most powerful man in the tribe. He makes the rules."

"No. The Chieftains do that. The Shaman does not change the rules. He is…" Heka-ma coughed loudly. "…the Shaman has a great responsibility. He is the man of wisdom and inspiration to the tribe. He gives people hope and shares stories, preserver the culture and be more than just a man in the eyes of his tribesmen. It is an enormous sacrifice. I am sorry that I picked you son." He coughed again. "But I am old. I need to have…someone…to replace me. You did very well in your Trials. You are the best choice."

I was so scared that I couldn't think. I didn't want it, any of it. I just wanted my family and Jen-ka to be there. I wanted to leave. I don't know why I didn't. Why don't people leave when they don't wan too? What prevents us from listening to our inner voices? I believed in my culture. Today, I feel so stupid for doing so. There was nothing keeping me from leaving that pyramid right then and there. But I stayed. It was my fault.

"Kuto…" Heka-ma continued, "…I am sorry that this…burden has fallen on your shoulders. But as Shaman, you can make sure that your family is taken care of. And Jen-ka. And you can use your power to really help people. The Chieftains will listen to you because the village will love you. Please…don't be mad at me."

And I honestly wasn't mad at him. I was scared and upset, but not mad. It wasn't his fault. He might have been the biggest cog in the Sun Warrior machine, but he was still just a cog. He had to move with the society.

"No, no, no. This isn't right! I love Jen-ka! I want to marry her!"

"I'm sorry, but you cannot. Not anymore." Heka-ma said.

"Then I refuse. I don't want to be Shaman."

"You can't leave either. There is a…very step penalty. You and your family will be banished."

"What? That is ridiculous! It's unfair!"

"I agree, but…Kuto, you have such a wonderful chance to help people. You can help everyone."

"But what about what I want?"

"What you want…" Heka-ma looked away, "…does not matter anymore. What matters is the tribe. What matters is the people. I am…truly sorry Kuto. For all of this."

I still, to this day, don't blame him. I don't know who to blame. Some days I blame myself. Some days I blame the Gods.