enjoy the weirdness!)
(edit: just realized that ffnet erased all my chapter breaks! how embarrasing...)
Leopold "Butters" Stotch awoke one night to one of the scariest sights in the world. and that was Eric Cartman crawling into his room from the window.
Nothing that big should move so quietly.
Butters wasn't even sure what woke him up, it definitely wasn't the grinning puddle of fat forming in his room.
It was all he could do not to wet himself from sheer terror.
"E-Eric?" he stuttered.
It's Cheshire cat grin disappeared and It's eyes snapped open. He looked like he might attack for a second. Then his eye's softened and his lips curled into a half smile. "Butters..."
Butters relaxed, suddenly Eric wasn't so menacing anymore... "Eric, what are you doing here? y-you're not supposed to be here. you're in a l-lot of trouble!"
Cartman's smile widened for a second before disappearing completely, suddenly he looked sad. "oh yes, Butters!" He said voice dripping with sincerity "that's why I'm here! oh I..know I shouldn't be, but, but I just couldn't keep away!"
He sat on Butters' bed, and took one of his hands clasping it between his two plump ones. "you see, Butters, I heard my captors talking, they might send me away. do you know what that means?"
Butters blinked slowly, he wasn't sure what was going on, Eric's eyes were boring into his.
"..you might never see me again" Eric continued. Butters' thin yellow brows furrowed together, despite knowing he'd be much happier without Cartman around, the thought of him gone actually sent a pang of sadness to his heart.
"R-Really? They're really gonna send you away?"
Cartman nodded, "That's why I had to come here tonight."
"Even though your under house arrest..." He's so brave.
"Yes, even though I'm under house arrest.. I had to tell you, tell you that I..." for a second, he seemed to turn off, all the emotion disappearing from his face. ".... I love you..."
This time Butters did wet himself, the color drained from his face. "e-eh?"
"I love you." He repeated this time with his face back to normal.
"Oh ma ..god!" Was this a dream? Some kind of nightmare? It must be anightmare. But Cartman's heavy paws on his shoulders were so very real.
Cartman leaned closer, uncomfortably close, so close Butters thought he was going to kiss him. And when he spoke again butters could feel his hot breath on his face "you've always been the only person i could ever trust, you're the light of ma laif ...you know, I'm going to miss you..."
A blush formed on Butter's cheeks. Nobody's ever talked to him like this before. "Oh, Eric.."
"And now I must leave you, before they realize Ai'm gone..." He rose from butter's bed and headed for the window.
"Wait, Eric! Ai- Ai love you too..." Cartman chuckled and left as quietly as he came. And then the only sound in the room was Butter's breathing. he tried hard to process what just happened, it seemed so surreal but he was sure it happened. Eric, Eric Cartman loves him, he should be flattered Eric hardly ever loves anybody. but mostly he felt scared. he wondered if he loved Eric the same way Eric loves him, he really loved Eric as a friend. maybe he was misleading him by telling him he loved him back. maybe that was wrong. oh gee wizz, he was terrible person.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cartman WAS in a lot of trouble. just a few days ago he locked the mayor out of her office and managed to run the town for a while. and it wasn't the only thing he's done.
you see cartman wanted to be remembered, sure with all the terrible pranks he's done you wouldn't like him, but you sure as hell won't forget him. Like Hitler, no-one forgot Hitler.
They called him a menace and put him under house arrest while they pondered what to do with him.
and so it came that the small town of south park decided to banish eric cartman. It was a sign of how backward the town was that they actually banished people.
Bunch a hicks.
sneaking out of his house was easy, sneaking back was easier. still, it was always a relief to see Butters, the guys brain was like play-dough you could tell him anything, and I mean anything.
Heh, three simple, trite words were all it really took. trite, but potent, so potent he nearly choked on them the first time around.
truth is, cartman didn't love butters, in fact he barely liked him. He preferred Kyle's company to butter's even though they spent all their time together fighting, at least, when Kyle's full Jew rage was unleashed he was as heartless and conniving as Cartman himself. and that, was someone Cartman could respect.
Butters on the other hand... butters was pathetic. if life was a jungle, Butters would've been eaten along time ago, probably by hamsters.
But he was useful, people like Cartman, the top dogs, sometimes needed to have people like butters, the pathetic lackeys, around to do their bidding.
no doubt the reason kyle kept stan around.
so that whole gay thing with butters, that's what you'd call packing.
He barely got a chance to relax when officer Barbrady came knocking at his door. He'd been hoping to get some sleep, but noooo, south park had to do it's banishing in the wee hours of the morn' for some reason.
He glared at the fat confused policeman. "what!"
officer Barbrady wiped some sweat from his brow and started read tentatively from a piece of paper he had with him "E-rick carmen..."
one day, it's going to be a sin to mispronounce his name, one day you'll see.
"you are here-bee rick-wired to appear before the south park tribunal in-in the town square" he stopped reading, obviously exhausted "you have to come with me"
"and what would you do if I ran?" Asked Cartman hopping from one foot to the other.
"uuhhh I'd have to shoot you if you did that"
Cartman stopped hopping, he knew a hand gun was only accurate under five yards, less accurate in the hands of officer barbrady. but also knew he couldn't run five yards without being reduced to a wheezing wreck.
the image of officer Barbrady standing over his dead body going "there's nothing to see here" wasn't a good one.
"Fine!" he huffed and followed the plump policeman to the town square where a crowd was already gathered.
they've come watch him fall, Ha!
"finally here, I see.." said the Mayor raising an eyebrow. He gave her a withering glare, he was trying to think of something witty to say but the lack of sleep wasn't helping.
"well, lets get this over with" she continued, she pulled out an ancient scroll and started reading "as it was in the time of out forefathers blah blah blah, Eric Cartman, we've had all we can take from you and we won't stand for it anymore, for innumerable crimes against the people of south park you are hereby banished for all eternity never to return and darken our door with your presence again."
he scanned the crowd, his so called friends were there, Kyle, standing between Stan and Kenny, wearing a big grin. he looked like Christmas had come early, or whatever it was that Jews celebrated, Jewsmas.
"usually we'd tie you up, put you on a horse and send you on your way" said the Mayor "but farmer jenkins wasn't willing to let any of his horses get crushed like that"
there was some sniggering from the crowd.
it dawned on Cartman that THAT was a jab at his weight, that woke him up instantly "AAAII! Ai'm not fat! you dried up skank!"
He turned his glare to the crowd. "you bastards think your throwing ME out? you're not throwing me out! Ai'm leaving on ma own!"
"but..its not a banishing without tying someone up" Muttered Randy Marsh, in the crowd, he was holding a bundle of rope and looking forlorn.
Cartman blinked a few times and continued his tirade
"I'LL BE BACK! i'll be back like Freddie Kruger in your FUCKING dreams! you'll see!" by some silent agreement he didn't resist too much as Randy wrapped his bundle of rope around him just continued yelling "you'll see!"
Chris Stotch, butters dad, shuffled out of the crowd holding a giant conch shell and started blowing into into it.
They loaded a cussing angry Cartman into the back of a truck and drove him out of town
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Butters didn't get much sleep, not after the love confession. the only sleep he got were fitful nightmares.
He woke up in a cold sweat to find that it was already seven o'clock.
He must be gone by now... he thought as he stared at the fella, it must feel terrible to be chased out of town by the people you love. he must be so desolate and alone.
it hurt Butters to even think of the pain Eric must be going through. right about now he must feel like he hasn't a friend in the world.
well, Butters was his friend, and Eric loved him, the thought sent his heart aflutter and made his blood run cold at the same time. he wasn't gay but the thought of anybody loving him was... so strange and magnificent.
he wanted to let Eric know that his feelings were at least appreciated if not returned.
maybe, maybe he wasn't gone yet. maybe he could still catch him before he was sent away.
he got up and changed as fast as he could.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
a few years ago Cartman had wanted a car not just any car, but the biggest, baddest most expensive car in the world, and THEN, his mother told him in the most apologetic tone she could muster that, as a crack whore, she really didn't make that much money. So he had to settle for a much cheaper car that was at least bright red.
Currently he was sitting at the side of the road waiting for that car to come to view. the happy citizens of South park were probably hoping he'd starve to death out here, but luckily for him he had a mother who would do anything for him.
He grinned as he saw his car round the corner, he grinned even wider when the car was close enough to see who was inside, Butters. Butters was sitting in the passenger seat next to Cartman's mother. he had that look on his face, the look of someone listening to a prostitute tell them about their day.
ha! hahahahahaha! he didn't laugh out loud just in his head, he knew Butters would come, but when you play that game there always that chance, that slim chance that things wouldn't go as planned. it was like playing battleship, and he always won.
Liane parked the car and waved to her son. "mummy's here, poopsie!" she ran over to her son and hugged him, he patted her back nervously looking embarrassed.
Butters staggered out of the car, face red, throwing a few odd glances liane's way.
"I packed all your clothes" Liane continued "there's a cooler full of food so you won't starve. and, don't worry, I didn't forget to pack Clydefro-"
"mom!" Cartman cut her off before she could embarrass him, Jesus, he was eighteen. way too old to let people know about Clydefrog.
he turned his attention to Butters, who looked shocked for a second then ran up to hug him.
"Eric!" he broke their hug to look up into Cartman's eyes. "are you okay?"
"huh? oh yea" for a second he forgot to put on his face. he put on the saddest soppiest look ever, like a hush puppy.
"oh Butters, I just don't know what Ai'm going to do.
Ai'm so ...very alone."
on cue, tears formed on the edges of Butters big blue eyes.
"Ai'm not even sure where Ai'm going to go. my only comfort is..." like an eagle swooping down for the kill he cupped Butters face in his hands, squishing his cheeks together "..that your here with me"
he lowered his eyes "to bad your not coming with me" he said softly.
"w-well I.."
"you should, considering how much you love me"
"b-but I don't..."
"don't be silly, Butters, I can see it in your eyes"
"you can?"
"I know you better than you know yourself."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I'm in love? thought Butters. this heartbeat in his ears feeling around Eric was love? he thought it was fear, the by product of many, many bad experiences. But, but 'love' that made so much sense. He was in love with Eric cartman and.. oh my god. he might never see him again.
he HAD to go with him. but wait! his parents, they'll be so upset if he just left like that. he wasn't really allowed out of town but....
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"I-I'll go with you!"
haha oh my god, this guy had like no personality AT ALL. what a loser! He smiled and put an arm around butters.
"oh really? that's, that's so great butters! thank you!" he swung Butters back toward the car.
his mother stood there looking worried, she had stood there watching their interaction with an uncomfortable look on her face and was now wondering how she was going to get home.
"Eric, sweety, I don't suppose you drive mummy home could you?"
Cartman sighed "no, moooommm, I've been banished remember? they'll kill me if I go back there"
Liane frowned "oh, I suppose I'll walk then..." She started her journey, she had a long walk ahead of her.
Cartman shoved butters into the passenger seat. then started to look a bit worried. "Watch out for serial killers, mom!" he yelled at his mother's retreating back.
"don't worry, poopsie, mummy has mace" she called back.
"damn!" he slammed his fists onto the car roof " *I* shoulda brought some mace! now I'll probably get raped in my sleep" he glared at Butters, that's what he was here for Cartman wasn't about to go it alone, and any passing rapist would probably pick of Butters first.
After a moment's thought he yanked Butters out of the passenger seat. "I'm sleepy, you drive"
Butters looked panicked "but, Eric, I can't drive! y-you know what happens!" every time Butters took hold of a steering wheel people died.
"I Don't CARE, Butters" said Cartman leaning back in the passenger seat and closing his eyes.
"well... where are we going?"
"anywhere but here" Cartman muttered, dozing off already
"anywhere but here.."