The First Time

You always remember the first times. The first time he hits you. The first time he calls you filth. The first time he locks you in the cellar. The first time he throws you into a wall. The first time he throws a knife at you. The first time he holds your head in a bucket of water. The first time he uses the Cruciatus Curse on you.

The first time, the first time the first time…

There are the good first times of course. First time you talk to your best friend. The first time you kiss a girl. The first time she tells you she loves you. The first time you… Yes, there are plenty of good first times too.

But that doesn't matter as you lie on the hard floor, watching the steady pool of crimson reach out to all corners of the room, knowing it's your blood. The first time he draws blood. That's a memorable one. You remember that taste. You remember the stench. But the sights, they merge. It's all just red. Red for blood; red for anger; red for pain; red for fire: red for everything.

The first time he makes you cry. You've been told crying is bad. And that makes it worse. So you cry harder. You cry as you cradle one arm in the other. It's probably broken, but you can't be sure. Not that you'll dare ask for help. You'll just wait until your cousin Andromeda arrives and will care enough to mend it properly. Until then, you just learn to live through it all.

The first time he threatens your life. He's in a rage, you can smell the alcohol. He tells you he's going to chase you until he catches you. He tells you once he's caught you, you're going to die. You believe him, of course, and that's a good thing, he says. Fear makes the heart grow bold. Something like that and you nod along, though you know it isn't true.

You remember the first spell you learn. Your mother taught you it the moment you bought your first wand. It's a Glamour Charm, to hide the bruises. You know she means well. You think she means well. You hope she means well. You don't consider the possibility that, surely it would just be better if she got him to stop hurting you? No, that thought doesn't cross your mind. You're just grateful that you can perform it well enough to do on your own.

The first time he uses magic against you. It's a personal favourite of his, though for his sadist purposes. You don't think that the inventor created the spell so you could split skin with an incantation; it seemed more for the practical uses such as disassembling objects. But you don't think to ask. You just wince as the blood pours across your face, as the wound in your chest stains your clothes.

The first time he makes your brother watch. Regulus cries and you are punished for it. At first he turns away as you scream in pain, but then he is made to watch attentively. His eyes pierce you as they stare at your writhing body. He seems deaf to your pleading screams for the pain to stop. You wonder how it can be, that he does not care.

Only once you start school does he start to provoke you. The first time he insults your friends, degrading them, trying to rile you up. You try and beat your anger down, knowing it cannot help you.

The first time you shout back. That is also, another first. It's the first time he uses and Unforgivable on you. It's the first time you scream so loud, even your mother tells him to stop. It's the first time you openly ask for death. It's the first time your throat bleeds from the sounds it is making.

The first time he turns on your brother. The first time you realise you love Regulus, so much so that you offer your body for torture, just to stop it from happening to him. The first time you've ever truly used that Gryffindor courage – and for your own brother too.

The first time you are unable to look your best friend in the eye, because you're ashamed of what you'll see. The first time he realises you've been lying for so long. The first time he watches you leave for home, knowing what will happen to you. The first time you wish someone would save you.

The first time someone does save you. The first time, just as the curse hits you in the chest once more, the door opens. The first time you are scared to see your best friend. The first time you truly think he will die. The first time you are dragged out of the house and into the clean air.

The first time, the first time, the first time…

The first time you look upon the dead face of your best friend.

That is also the last time.

A/N Don't know where this came from. I wrote it in a slightly depressed time during today.

Please review, I'd really appreciate it.

Love arwenjanelilylyra xx