The real title is "The Story of How Carlos's Tooth Got in Kendall's Mouth". Stupid space restrictions.

GUESS WHO COULDN'T RESTRAIN HERSELF!

No really. I had been contemplating writing this kind of crap for a while, certainly not about to go for it, but then my bestest buddy RyDeNiSlOvE (iamnotevenkiddinggoreadherstuff) found something amazing (http://www . fanfiction . net/s/5804917/1/Here_Be_Dragons without the spaces lmao) and I was just like OKAY THAT'S IT and I still have to write her that stupid James/Carlos fic that I so do not feel like writing BUT I WILL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU STUPID HO HEARTS AND LOVE alright and yeah.

To tell you the truth I am slowly getting sucked into something that is NOT Facebook but actually about TEN TIMES WORSE and uhh okay okay- OKAY FINE I'M ALREADY SUCKED INTO IT BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT and so I have that other one that will be a two part because I put two ideas into one but technically it's still two just stuck together lol someone knock me back into South Park pppllleeeaaasseee okay yeah.

So ANYWAY here you go. Because I watched this episode and was like "....wait WHAT." and then I watched it again and was like "OH NO THE IDEAS ARE BEATING ME UP AGAIN" so that's where this came from. It wasn't supposed to be NEARLY this long and it totally died at the end because I ran out of ideas after they ran out of painkiller (btw yes I actually got some Tylenol and read the overdose warning lol) so yeah the ending is so LAME. IGNORE IT. I totally tried my best to keep them in character and I think I failed miserably with Kendall but did considerably well with James and I'm pretty sure I got Carlos down. I seriously can't take Carlos seriously in a relationship, though. He's too immature lol. I guess that James/Carlos is going to be even more crack. Or not I think I have a plan to make that work outRAPEoh excuse me what was that certainly not me I'm sorry you have to listen to me ramble on but then again it's your choice if you're reading this, and if you're not, you don't even know I'm apologizing, so I guess I'm not apologizing to you or anyone. Haha.

Back to my characterization before I went off on a tangent: I envision James as a self-absorbed, insufferable asshole who hogs mirrors and obsesses over his hair. Which most of that is like, DUH, but he's actually nicer in the show, so. I guess I just fail at life. This being my proof. So... That new episode last night. That I totally did not watch. Because I'm cool. I watch South Park and American Idol. Oh yeah. I'm cool.

"Kendall!"

"Carlos."

The latter rolls his eyes briefly before reaching the former and dropping into a pleading tone, asking hopefully, "Have you seen my helmet? I've been looking all over for it for like an hour and it's not anywhere and I asked James and Logan and they said they hadn't seen it and I really need it and you're my last hope and have you see..." He trails off as Kendall gets that tell-tale grin and slowly pulls said previously missing headgear from behind his back. Carlos's eyes widen and he automatically makes a grab for it, eyebrows raising in confused surprise when Kendall jerks his arm back, pulling the helmet out of reach. Carlos stares at it wistfully, its scratched up black shell glinting invitingly back at him in the light of the open window's sun. He can see his reflection in it, and he looks desperate as hell. He needs his helmet. If he didn't know any better, he'd say it was somewhat OCD. But Carlos isn't OCD. Just really, really crazy.

"Kendall." He hopes to God the boy will hear how desperately badly he needs that helmet and show him some mercy. "Kendall, please. I need it. Give it to-"

"Kiss me."

"What?!" Carlos takes a step back, reeling. "The hell?"

"Kiss me and I'll let you have your helmet." Kendall's tone is even and controlled, that grin still on his lips. The lips Carlos is faced with either kissing or ignoring. Has he planned this? Where the hell is this all coming from?

"D-dude!" Carlos splutters, trying to buy some time. "That's- really gay!"

Kendall shrugs. "Yeah, it is. Your point?"

"Dude!"

This is crazy. This is insane. Is he actually contemplating? Why is he thinking about this seriously? Kendall is staring at him expectantly, that helmet still held just out of reach by some curse God thought would be really funny if he made Kendall like three heads taller than Carlos. Really, it's like in a cartoon when the main character is trying to get something that keeps inexplicably evading him or her and then it ends up at the top of a cliff and he or she has to climb up there to get it and the object or prize or whatever it is is like, glowing with beams of light up there but it's just impossible to get. Seriously. That helmet is glowing. Godlike. And all Carlos has to do to get it is to kiss Kendall?

Okay, back up. This is crazy. This is insane.

But aren't those the kinds of things Carlos just loves jumping into?

"OkayyeahI'lldoit."

"What?"

Carlos sighs loudly and repeats more slowly, "Okay, yeah, I'll do it." It's not dejected, like he's giving up his dignity for this; more like rushed in a kind of "Let's get this over with," way. Because oh, he is so ready to feel the inside padding of that black beauty caressing his skull.

Yes.

Kendall's grin grows even more prominent. "Alright then."

Is it just Carlos, or does he seem really eager to do this? Maybe someone dared him to do it. Carlos bets it was James. Sick of always being referred to as "the gay one" out of the four of them, he probably got Kendall into some bet and Kendall lost and now he has to kiss Carlos. Yeah. But then, that doesn't really explain why he's so eager to do this, does it?

Thinking makes his brain hurt. For a second he wishes he were Logan. On the other hand, why should reasons be an issue? Who needs brains if you don't have helmets to protect them with?

Kendall lowers the arm with the hand with the helmet, taking care to keep it behind him, and approaches Carlos. His grin is fading, but not in a dulling kind of way. Actually, it's more in the way all facial expressions tend to fade when the wearer of said facial expression is getting ready to kiss someone. Now who is Kendall planning on kissing?

Oh yeah.

Kendall gets really close, uses his free hand to pull Carlos even closer. It's astounding how quickly the other's face approaches his, almost scary, because it's not actually moving that quickly, but it seems like it is, right? Because these things should really be in slow-motion, and Kendall's not moving in slow motion. Maybe he just really wants to get into this kiss.

It's at this exact moment that Carlos remembers he has zero experience with kissing guys. He panics.

"Kendall, wai-"

Kendall does not want to wait.

His lips meet Carlos's before they can finish shaping the words, dead-on, open-mouthed, the last of which Kendall decides to take advantage of. His tongue probes through Carlos's lips, tasting, exploring, something along the lines of that. Oh. Okay. Well that's fine, thanks for asking. Despite his having no clue what you're supposed to do when you're kissing a dude, Carlos decides that maybe it'll be similar to kissing a girl. Kind of a lot similar. Probably exactly the same. Maybe a little better. Maybe a lot better. Maybe it feels about six times better than kissing a girl. Maybe it feels amazing.

Carlos vaguely hears something clatter heavily to the ground through the blood rushing against his ears and feels a second hand join the first, fingers on the back of his head where it melds into his neck. In the far depths of his mind, Carlos can see how utterly ridiculous they must look right now, with Kendall having to lean down so far just to kiss him, but he doesn't actually care right now, as the thought fails to process completely. Nothing is processing completely- it's all short-circuits. Every movement Kendall makes against him sets off a series of short electrical snaps and pops that Carlos suspects could either be brain cells or oxygen molecules. Both seem plausible at the moment.

Carlos doesn't know how or when they end up on the couch, but at some point he realizes that cushions and pillows are pushing against his back and Kendall is pushing against his front. Hands smooth over his chest and jaw and neck, fingers curling around into the short stalks of hair lining the edges of his face, cupping the shell of his ear. And all the while those soft lips are on his, breathing hotly into his mouth, uttering halves of words and segments of sounds. Carlos's world is getting turned upside-down, missing the signal and spinning around to get back to it again, apparently uncaring as to what happens to him in the process. He's fairly certain Kendall will keep him from becoming lost or imploding or anything of the sort. Then again, isn't Kendall the cause of all this?

Before he knows it their teeth are clashing like dueling swords, violently and harshly, and Kendall's lips are crashing down on his like waves, over and over again, so hard Carlos thinks that by the end of this his lips will be black and blue. He wonders vaguely if they've been at it long enough to qualify for the returning of his helmet back to its respectful owner. Apparently not, as it goes on, seemingly never-ending. But you know, maybe that's okay.

Just as the thought hits, it's like, bam, and something is undoubtedly missing. Literally. There's like, this kind of crack which signals that something has gone wrong. Kendall jerks back in shock, jaw opening and closing as he tries to figure out just what exactly has happened. Carlos is trying to do the same. By the metallic taste flooding his mouth, he's guessing it had something to do with their teeth knocking together so violently. He looks at Kendall, working his tongue over the spot, and realizes two things. The first is that one of his top canines is gone.

The other is that he just made out with Kendall. Like, intensely.

Oh.

He doesn't know which to attend to first. Which is more important? Is it even important that he just lost a tooth? You're supposed to lose those, right? Oh, wait- that's your baby teeth. He lost his last baby tooth six years ago. So maybe it is a big deal. But then, so is making out with a dude. For that long. How long were they even at it? It seems like time just locked itself around them and it's just resumed. Or something. But back to the point- which is more important? What should he do? Well, he supposes he should just leave it to Kendall if he can't figure it out. Leave everything to Kendall. He knows everything, right? Or was that Logan? He's so confused right now.

So apparently it's more important that Carlos just lost his tooth. Funny, he could have sworn that it was the making out part that needed to be addressed. But what Kendall says goes. And what Kendall is saying now is, "Holy shit, I think your tooth came out."

Carlos gives a kind of light laugh and answers, "Yeah..."

Kendall is now looking at him like he lost his mind. Didn't he figure that out a long time ago?

"Dude. This is a big deal. How the hell did it come out? What the..."

"I think a better question is where is it now?" Carlos suggests, genuinely curious. He tries to suck up all the blood, because it's kind of gushing now. He hopes it doesn't get all over the couch. James hates it when he gets blood all over anything. He thinks Carlos has AIDS or something. Well he's one to talk.

Kendall is poking around his own mouth with his tongue. Is it in there? Holy crap, that would be funny. Kendall sighs and groans.

"It's stuck in between my teeth."

"Seriously?" Carlos laughs. "How is my tooth in between yours?"

"The root. It's like, wedged in there." He looks a bit panicky and Carlos grins ear to ear in great amusement.

"Dude, that's hilarious!" he cries, much to Kendall's disapproval. He claps his hands together and leans forward. "You seriously can't get it out?"

"This isn't funny!" Kendall frowns. "Your mouth is bleeding."

Carlos swipes his tongue over his teeth and runs it through the hole again, shrugging. "Yeah, so?" Kendall just stares a moment before shaking his head with his eyes closed, holding his hands up for a timeout.

"Okay, woah, back up. You're seriously not concerned in the least that you just lost a tooth?" Carlos's mouth curves down and his eyebrows raise as he shakes his head.

"It was bound to happen at one time or another. Besides, it was already loose from when I knocked it into the wall the other day. And even better, now I'm like a real hockey player!" He grins ecstatically, practically able to see Kendall's mental face-palm.

"Okay," Kendall starts again. "Well that's great and all, but I don't think your face will look so good on posters with a big hole in your teeth. Gustavo's gonna flip." That gets Carlos to frown. He's right. Gustavo's gonna kill them. Now it's time for the panic to settle in.

"Oh my god- you're right! And you have my tooth in your smile, that'll just look weird! He'll kill both of us! What're we gonna do?"

"Calm down," Kendall says in a controlled tone. "I have an idea."

Apparently Carlos's tooth is in there pretty tight, because an hour of tweezers and toothbrushes leaves them with no results but a killer toothache for Kendall. And to be honest, Kendall is getting pretty pissed.

"How the hell did you even jar it loose?" he demands in exasperation, trying very obviously not to just blow up at him. Carlos winces.

"That's not important," he brushes off anxiously. "Do you want some more painkiller?"

"We're trying to pull a tooth out, not get me high," Kendall explains as if Carlos didn't know that already. "Seriously, I'm getting lightheaded. The dosage was two, and I think five might be a little over the top!"

Hmm, maybe they should have thought this through. It just didn't seem like that much to Carlos when he was giving them to Kendall. What he'd been thinking was, "Oh, it's only one more, it can't hurt." Now, thinking back, he picks up the box of Tylenol, flipping it to the back to read its instructions. 'Overdose warning: Taking more than the recommended dose (overdose) may cause liver damage. In case of overdose, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.' And then there's a little phone number that undoubtedly belongs to some "Poison Control Company." Well shit.

"Hey Kendall?" When Kendall doesn't answer, Carlos continues, "You wouldn't happen to enjoy having a fully functional liver, would you?"

"What."

"Nothing, never mind." He'll be fine- how many times has Carlos overdosed and he's still fine? Yeah. With a liver that works perfectly and everything. "So that thing is really stuck, huh?"

"No shit."

"Okay, okay, jeez, no need to be so touchy." Really, he's acting like James. God forbid Kendall ever turn into James; one is more than enough, thank you very much. "Got anything else up your sleeve?" Kendall sighs.

"No. That was all I had." Carlos bites his lip. "Well, there is the option of taking this to the hospital, but then we would have to explain how your tooth got in my mouth."

The room falls silent, and suddenly the air seems much too thick. Carlos could choke on the oxygen, but instead he sucks it all in and summons up his courage.

"So," he starts, sounding incredibly awkward for an attempt at nonchalance. "About how my tooth got in your mouth..."

Kendall doesn't answer, and when Carlos looks at him he isn't returning the stare. He almost looks guilty. Ah, so maybe it is a big deal that they made out. For an extended period of time.

"Kendall?" Evidently Kendall is not going to offer any sort of explanation any time in the near future. "Uh..."

Kendall takes a deep breath, perhaps composing himself, and is about to say something when the door to the bathroom suddenly bangs open (they closed it because Carlos reaching into Kendall's mouth would probably look weird to anyone who didn't know what the hell was going on, and even if they knew their predicament, they would want to know why) and James stalks in, shoving Carlos out of his way.

"Move it!" he calls, announcing his presence. He once told them that if he didn't the world would end. Or something. Carlos wasn't actually listening. "I need to make myself pretty." He stares expectantly at Kendall, who currently holds the position of in front of the mirror. Kendall rolls his eyes.

"You look fine, James. Now go away- we're kind of busy here." Carlos nods his agreement and copies Kendall's hand movements of "get the hell out of here." James is not impressed.

"No. Seriously. Move. Kelly says we're taking a big picture today and I cannot take it looking like this."

"Oh shit! We have a picture today?" Kendall cries in distress. Carlos is feeling the exact same thing. Gustavo. Is going. To fucking. Murder them. James nods in a "Duh," fashion and motions again for them to get out of his way.

"When?" Carlos demands, panicked. James raises his eyebrows.

"It's due in three hours. Which I should be spending fixing myself up. Now move." He grabs Kendall and pushes them both out of the bathroom, with minor difficulty, slamming the door behind them. Immediately Carlos turns to Kendall.

"What are we gonna do?" He's totally panicking right now. This is so not happening. He doesn't know about Kendall, but he really enjoys having his head attached to his body. Kendall raises his hands, holding them with the palms facing Carlos.

"Okay, dude, calm down. We can fix this."

"How?"It's not like Kendall really has anything to worry about. While Carlos has this gigantic hole in the front of his teeth, Kendall really has nothing marring his appearance- a smile packed full of teeth, and the extra one isn't even visible. It's stuck in his molars. In the back of his mouth. How the hell does a tooth get stuck in his molars? Was Kendall kissing him with the back of his- wait. Kendall. Kissing him. They still need to discuss this.

Meanwhile, Kendall is answering Carlos's question, explaining, "All we have to do is get something that looks like a tooth and jam it in the empty space in your mouth for the picture, and then we can go get professional help."

"Professional help?" Is he out of his mind? What the hell are they going to tell them when they ask just exactly how this happened? Oh well. Kendall can figure that out later- his idea, his excuses. Not the subject at hand right now.

"So anyway..." Carlos starts up once again, trying to look casual. "Remember how my tooth got in your mouth?" Kendall shuts his eyes places a hand over his face, thumb and middle finger at his temples.

"Yes, Carlos, I remember how your tooth got in my mouth."

"Oh." Carlos bites his lip, watching Kendall expectantly. When he receives no answer, he continues, "Well.... I uh... Y-you never gave me my helmet." Not what he meant to say, but oh my god, it's true! Instinctively Carlos glances around, looking for the shiny black shell he sold his soul to. Where did it go? He doesn't remember what happened to it starting when Kendall's lips met his. Then it's all a blur, up until now, when suddenly, bam, he needs it. "Kend- Wh- I don't- Helmet!" He darts past Kendall and off to the couch, where he's sure it must be.

"Carlos!" Kendall calls back, sounding somewhat irate, but Carlos isn't listening. He makes it out to the livingroom, skidding to a stop on the carpet, the friction sending him crashing to the ground. But the pain of the carpet-burn doesn't even register, because there it is, all glowing like God again. He scrambles forward, reaching towards it desperately, unwilling to let it evade his grasp this time. Kendall is still shouting for him angrily, but Carlos doesn't care- he has it.

"Haha!" he cries out in victory, springing to his feet and slamming it over his head so hard he sees stars for a second. But he's always seeing stars, and besides, they're pretty.

"Carlos." Kendall strides into the room, positively fuming. "Now is not this time."

"It's always the time!" Carlos laughs, knocking on his helmet a few times. "So, uh, how do we keep our heads from getting chainsawed off by Gustavo?"

Kendall sighs. "Like I said: we'll just get something white and relatively the size of a tooth and stick it in your mouth until the picture's done. Alright?"

"Oh! I know! Snow!"

"Carlos."

"I know."

One stuffy puppy, community service, snowmobile, matador and screaming teenaged girls filled escapade later, Carlos and Kendall have yet to solve their problem. It took Kendall an astounding amount of persuasion and threats to keep Carlos from eating the mini-marshmallow they decided to stuff in between his teeth, but they pulled through. Unless the poster-makers decide to zoom in on Carlos's smile. Or Kendall's smile. But with any luck, they'll just cut it all off and only use James. Yeah. That'll solve everything.

So now they're sitting in the pool chairs, trying to get some relaxation after a long, tense day, and then Camille and a bunch of other people have to come over with their poster and rub it all in their faces. Oh yeah? Well-

Suddenly Kendall spits something out into his hand. Finally. Carlos grabs the tooth from him, stuffing it back into the inevitably empty hole in his mouth (not like it was ever a full hole), stating that it is, in fact, his tooth. Ha. Sweet victory. And as Kendall begins to go into the story of the cause of their horrid appearances, Carlos catches his eye and grins at him.

Who needs explanations when you can have a nice, shiny helmet?

Now you must understand that previous to this moment in time, something quite amazing and out of the ordinary had happened. See, Kendall was sitting all by himself in the park reading a book or doing math homework or something when suddenly a rabid squirrel flew at him from one of the trees surrounding the park bench he sat upon. Taken by supreme surprise, Kendall's instincts kicked in and he chopped the squirrel to the ground with his hand. Triumphant, he decided to celebrate his victory with a barbeque. He would have invited James, Carlos and Logan, but they were all busy playing hockey so he was forced to hold his little barbeque party alone. But he did not let this get him down, for he was in the mood for squirrel, despite his having never eaten one before. He'd heard from Carlos that they were actually quite exceptional and Kendall recalls once reading somewhere that they are a rare delicacy in the islands off the coast of South America.

But that wasn't the point.

The point was that Kendall had a barbeque and he ate the as of late rabid squirrel who was no longer rabid.

Unbeknownst to Kendall, that very squirrel he had consumed was not only rabid, but radioactive. The next morning, when he woke up, he detected an abnormal tingling sensation in his molars on the left side. Perplexed he went into the bathroom to check in the mirror just in case he were bleeding or something along the lines of that. However, he found, much to his dismay, that his teeth were in fact wavering and jerking around. Waves of psychedellic activity were pouring from within his mouth, and he closed it right away. He recalled that those very same back molars were the ones he had used to grind up the squirrel's meat to ensure proper swallowing of said squirrel meat. Dread sank through him, and he didn't have a clue as to what to do. Certainly he could not tell James, Carlos and Logan. So he kept it all to himself.

Then commenced the story we can find above, but to Kendall it is not as we know it. See, the radioactivity now thriving within Kendall's mouth was very much agressive, and when it felt the presence of Carlos's mouth so clearly, it could not contain itself. The back section of his teeth reared up and lashed out, grasping violently at Carlos's teeth and successfully wrenching a canine from his gums' grasp, deaf to the tooth's terrible cries of agony. Kendall, horrified, jerked back, detesting himself for having let this happen. But it was too late. It had happened, and it was much too late to prevent it.

That hour in the bathroom trying to retrieve the tooth were to no avail, because the radioactive teeth of Kendall were much too proud of their newly acquired prized possesion, and would not relent. They put up such a fight that a great pain arose in Kendall's mouth, despite the ridiculous amount of painkiller he had taken. It seemed all was lost for the two, and Kendall was fairly certain that once Gustavo had them castrated and their heads removed, his teeth would take control of his body and it would all make a turn for the worse. Despaired, he tried desperately to come up with one of those snap plans he was so renowned for.

He could think of none.

So what a blissful thing it was for him to realize as the four of them sat on that horrid snowmobile that the radioactivity was growing weaker, wearing off. Even then he could feel Carlos's tooth coming loose, and by the time they took the actual picture with Gustavo he was fairly certain that he could yank it from his jaw's grasp by now, if only his own teeth weren't so sore. He would just have to wait until it was all gone.

Finally the time arrived and the tooth popped out with the last dying screams of the evilness of the radioactivity of the squirrel in the park. Kendall couldn't have been any happier.

A bunch of people were like "ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND LOGIC" and I was like "YOUR MOM KENDALL CAN DO ANYTHING" but apparently that doesn't cut it so here's your explanation. Carlos's tooth was able to get into the back of Kendall's mouth because the back of Kendall's mouth reached out and grabbed it. And that's also how they were able to knock out his tooth just by making out. THE END.