August 24th 2009: It's only been 8 hours since I saw the one I love, and I feel like a sap. I keep thinking of his eyes and lips and face and how he holds me and how warm he is and how he feels inside me and then… well now I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm on a train with many people. The next stop is in an hour. Damn bastard.

August 25th 2009: So I hate being away from him. I thought I could deal with it. But I can't. It's eating me up inside that I can't be with him. I can't lay with him. I can't even hear his voice and it's not fair and I hate it that I can't vent about it to anyone. Because "no one can know". Bullshit if I ever heard it. Bastard.

August 27th 2009: No contact. No touch. No one to tell me it's alright to do the wrong thing. No "Watch out, shorty, you almost drowned in that puddle there" followed by a kiss. No fire. No flame. No kisses. No "The paperwork's almost done, I'll meet you there at 7" followed by an apology for arriving at 8. No hugs. No cologne. No ash. No smoke. No Roy. Bastard.

August 21st: I love him. I've said it before, but I really do. I really do.

August 29th: FUCK THIS. I WANT TO GO HOME.

September 2nd: I thought people were truthful yesterday and felt like a total idiot. How was I supposed to know of a little know holiday? Stupid farmers and their stupid fucking cheap laughs. They can all go to hell. I miss Roy.

September 5th: There's a nothing-ness in me that seems to consume my entire being. I'm unable to escape it. The hurt of missing him was better than this. I'm… empty. There's really no emotion. And it hurts, or at least I think it does, and I can't get it to stop, no matter what I try. It just sits at the top of my stomach, making me lose my appetite and everything seems so bland. The art in the museum is too old. The flowers on the window sill are too yellow. But not even that… everything's dead.

September 8th: I'm dying.

September 9th: Talked to Roy for the first time in a while. He was upset when I was so calm about us being apart. Of course in reality, it's tearing my heart apart not being able to see him. It's killing me, and I told him. I'm not sure if he believes me, and for the first time, I feel like I don't want to be with him.

September 10th 2009: I don't want to be with the man I love more than anything in the world. Breaking up with him would hurt both of us and ruin everything we've accomplished over the past almost 6 months. I'm in a stalemate with myself. FUCKFUCKFUCK

September 13th: A little flirting never did anyone any harm. But I still feel bad about it. I always am jealous when Roy hangs out with girls. I flirted with a guy. He's about my age. He's taller than me and had nice eyes. Just thinking of him makes me smile.

September 17th: I suppose everyone gets to a point in their relationship where there's no longer a 'spark'. But I need that I think. Because my mind keeps straying. My eyes keep wondering. And I almost dread talking to him. Oh gods… If Roy were to ever read this he'd kill me. But then, the only reason he'd read this is in my belongings when I die. When, not if. Soon, not later…

September 18th 2009: Oh gods Roy... I just don't know what to do any more...