Mal Reynolds stood on top of his ship, holding a golf club.

"…and then she makes it sound like I did it on purpose," Wash said

"Interesting…" Mal took a swing, "but I still think she has a right to be mad at you."

"Why?" Wash groaned, "Why is everyone taking her side?"

"Do you really expect me to take your side in a story that began with you throwing a brick at your wife?" Mal pointed out

"Well…not immediately!" Wash admitted

He swung his club, sending the ball flying. Shepherd Book stepped onto the strip of putting green, and took his swing.

"I don't know, hearing Wash's version does make it sound like Zoe was asking for it," Jayne admitted

Jayne flipped a couple of burgers on the grill; Simon unbuttoned his shirt, and laid down on his lounger.

"Yeah, but if I asked you to stab me, would you do it?" Simon asked, applying sun block

"You wouldn't have to ask," Jayne muttered

In the kitchen…

"…and then he accused me of putting thumbtacks in his cereal!" Zoe explained

Inara put down the scissors she was using to cut River's hair.

"Did you?" Inara asked

"Yeah, but the point is he accused me of it!"

"Why did you put them in his cereal?" Kaylee asked

"That's not the point," Inara reminded, "it's a trust issue."

"So you don't think it was going too far?" Zoe asked

"No, I think you went too far when you said you'd forgive him if he ate a light bulb," Inara said

"I don't think she expected him to do it," Kaylee said

On the roof…

"So she didn't know you ate her engagement ring?" Jayne asked

"I think it was pretty obvious! I said I dropped it in the wedding cake batter, she could have figured out the rest !"

"Is that why you ate a light bulb?" Simon asked

"No, that was because…"

Kitchen…

"I don't see how the term 'frigid-wolverine-bitch' can be said politely at a family dinner!" Zoe continued

"Then why'd you say it?" Kaylee asked

"I have my reasons!"

Roof…

"I think a man should be allowed to hit his wife once," Jayne confessed

"Thank you!" Wash said

"But when she can hit back it's common sense not to."

Kitchen…

"Kissing another woman is one thing, but another man?" Zoe asked

Roof…

"Just how terrified of her are you?" Book asked

"I'm not afraid of her, I just don't like being alone with her in the dark!" Wash yelled

Kitchen…

"I was young and needed the money!" Zoe exclaimed

"But that video was dated from last month?" Kaylee was confused

"Are you saying that I'm old?" Zoe growled

Roof…

"…well I'm sorry if a religion based on a classic earth film sounds impossible, but five `generations can't be wrong…"

"Excuse me, am I interrupting something?"

The four guys turned around, and saw some guy in a dark blue suit with a brown overcoat standing by the starboard ladder. He was smiling like no backwater-man would.

"Sorry, don't mean to intrude," the guy reached into his coat pocket, and took out a metal tube, "I'm looking for a friend of mine. Well, not a friend…"

Jayne stood up, and took out his Ruger Redhawk gun.

"Look buddy, if you're one of Badger's friends, we're not interested," Jayne growled

"Badger…" the man muttered, "wait! Is this…"

The man tapped the ship with his feet. Mal could see the guy was wearing sneakers; obviously not a bounty hunter.

"Oh! This is a transport ship!" he was grinning wider than Mal had ever seen, "I love a good transport ship!"

The man started running around Serenity's crew.

"Firefly class! Excellent, this is just like an episode of Top Gear! And your crew! Gun hand, Doctor, Shepherd, Captain, pilot! The complete set!"

"Uh, excuse me Mr. Happy Fruity-Oaty man, as much as I like you coming on the roof of my ship uninvited, I just have one question," Mal said

"Anything," the man said

"Who the h-ll are you?"

"I'm the Doctor," he said

Jayne tightened his grip on his gun.

"And I'm not an Alliance agent, if that's what you're thinking," The Doctor said quickly

Jayne placed the gun back in the holster.

"Well, if you're not an Alliance agent, then who are you?" Wash asked

"Oh, just a traveler," The Doctor replied, "I thought I tracked my mate to here, but I guess I was wrong."

The Doctor pointed his metal tube into the sky, and waved it around. It made a peculiar sound, like a metallic whistling.

"Nope. Coordinates were correct. Unless someone was using a hair dryer?"

"A what-dryer?" Jayne asked

"Are you grilling?" The Doctor asked, "because I am starving. Just flew my ship silent-running through the tenth Sontaran Battle fleet; three days, and I couldn't even get up to go to the kitchens."

"Here," Jayne handed him a hot dog, hoping it would shut him up

"Thanks," The Doctor took a bite out of it, "so, taking a break from work? Skiving off while the boss is away?"

"It's not really a break, we just can't get hired," Mal explained

"Is that so? This time in history should be filled with your line of work."

"Well…it's complicated," Mal said, "crewmember of ours has the Alliance after him."

"Uh huh…I didn't get your name."

"Mal Reynolds," he said, "that's Wash, Jayne, Book, and Dr. Simon Tam."

The Doctor's eyes widened.

"Simon Tam!" he grinned "As in River Tam's brother?"

Jayne cautiously reached for his gun.

"You seem to know an awful lot about her," Simon said carefully

"How could I not know River Tam?" the Doctor grinned, "Scientist, dancer, fantastic writer!"

Mal also reached for his gun, Book picked up his nine iron threateningly.

"Is she here? Could I meet her?" The Doctor grinned

Simon got up from his lounger, and picked up a frozen steak, planning to clobber the Doctor with it.

"No! You know what, I think I have a job for you," The Doctor said

Mal grabbed the steak from Simon, and motioned for Jayne and Book to put down their weapons.

"Really?" Mal asked

The girls joined the guys moments later; they caught them in the middle of drinking beer and laughing.

"…and then I told her, she'd look like a sheep on its hind legs!" Mal said

They all laughed.

"You're in a good mood," Inara commented

"Why shouldn't I be?" Mal asked, "this Doctor just offered us a wad of cash to transport something for him."

"Really? How much?" Zoe asked

"Enough for us to take a couple of weeks off," Mal said

"Can I get that compression coil?" Kaylee was excited

"Sure," Mal replied, "you can have ten."

"Wait, who is this guy?" Zoe interrupted

"He's the Doctor," Wash said

"Doctor who?" Zoe asked

Later that night…

The guys stood around a fire in the cargo bay, roasting marshmallows. Wash and Jayne wheeled the Doctor's cargo in, a large blue crate with 'Police Box' written on it.

"Is this it?" groaned Wash

"Yeah," the Doctor said, "hold on, I want to get something from it."

The Doctor disappeared inside his box. There was some cluttering about, and two minutes later he emerged holding a wooden guitar.

"You play?" Mal grinned

"A bit,"

The Doctor sat down on the bench next to Mal.

"This one's for all you ladies out there," the Doctor spoke with a mock country accent, "take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand…"

The girls had gone out for the night, going swimming in a nearby river. After a few shots of tequila, an innocent swim had become a skinny dip.

"Inara, you have a perfect body," Zoe complemented

"Thank you Zoe, that's very kind," Inara replied

"That's why I hate you."

Zoe jumped at Inara, dunking her head underwater. River turned to Kaylee, and shoved her underwater. Kaylee came up, desperate for air.

"Why did you do that?" Kaylee gasped

"You were going to do the same to me," River replied

"Excuse me, ladies," came a man's voice

The four girls looked up to see a man in a black Mao suit; he had a peculiar face: gray at the temples, slicked-back black hair and goatee, with an expression that made Jayne's 'I'll be in my bunk' look like Mary Poppins 'a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down'. The girl's hands shot up, covering their bare chests.

"Who are you?" Zoe demanded, "what do you want?"

"My name is The Master," the man grinned, "and what else would I want with four naked and wet women?"

Zoe leapt up and grabbed her sawn-off shotgun; The Master saw her, reached into his jacket, and took out a brass tube with a blinking orange light at the end and a chain at the other end leading to the man's wrist. He turned a dial on the side, and fired an electric blast at Zoe's hand. She dropped the gun in the water.

"Laser screwdriver, mark II," The Master said proudly

"Look, mister, I'll make you a deal," Zoe said, "let these girls go, and you can do whatever you want with me."

"I'm well above raping prairie-back-water-roughneck maiden," The Master replied gruffly, "this is what I want to do…"

He held up his laser screwdriver, and twisted a couple of the dials. Before the girls could get away, a bright red light blared out at them, and they were in a trance.

"You are under my command…" The Master said, with a deep voice

"We are under your command…" the girls repeated

The Master gave them his instructions, and then began to walk away. He only took a few steps, and then felt something soft under his foot. He switched on the laser screwdriver's flashlight mode, and saw that it was a pile of the girl's clothes. The Master grinned evilly.

"I may be above rape, but I'm never too old from for childish pranks."

Carefully, he turned his laser screwdriver to another setting; a blast of fire shot out from the red tip; Zoe's leather vest and khakis went up in flames; Inara's silk gown was singed beyond recognition; Kaylee's floral design chic was burnt to a crisp; River's loose dress and lycra shorts were destroyed.

"Ahahahaha!" The Master exclaimed, running away