THE DEATH OF SUNGLASSES

A/N: So, I wrote this one-shot with a friend a while back, and just now got around to uploading. It's my first fanfic, and not entirely mine, so I hope it's decent. We were interested by the different ways death is pictured in stories, and a combination of Terry Pratchett and Bleach is dangerous when boredom gets thrown in the mix.

For now, it's a one-shot, but if I get any decent reviews, I may add to it. Renji's search for new sunglasses could go on for a while... And who knows what random characters I can throw into the mix to mess with him. I am open to suggestions from anime, manga, TV, or books, but no promises either way.

Disclaimer: I own neither Bleach nor Discworld. I am neither Japanese nor British, nor am I a genius. Apologies to the real owners for abusing their characters.

Renji walked into the store, after pausing in front of the large glass windows and checking for hollows (or fellow shinigami). A shopkeeper walked up. "What would you like, sir?"

DEATH observed from above, waiting to pounce when the hapless loser left the store. He had received a memo that morning, warning him of this expedition and asking him to take care of it. No matter how powerful he was, he could not refuse a request from both Kuchiki Byakuya and Yamamoto Genryusai...

After at least an hour, DEATH finally observed his target again, walking out of the store trying unsuccessfully to hide the large O on the small box he carried. Going into an alley, Renji took out his new sunglasses, and put them on. Finally he had saved up enough money to replace the visor that Ichigo had smashed. He never really knew what happened to the second visor, but it had about 10000 scratches on it...

Walking out of the alley, Renji suddenly stopped. What was this strange reiatsu? It wasn't a Hollow, wasn't a Shinigami, but WAS ludicrously powerful. Like, Yamamoto powerful... Was it that guy in the cloak over there? Yes. He took out Zabimaru, adjusted his new Oakleys, and walked up to confront the strange being.

RENJI? Asked the cloaked figure. When Renji looked closer, he realised that it was a skeleton! What the FUCK?!?!?

"Umm... Yes?"

I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SUNGLASSES...

"What? No Way! I just bought these! Wait, Who are you, anyway?"

DEATH.

"No, I'm a Shinigami. Death is not a person."

SO YOU THOUGHT. I AM AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH, AS IMAGINED BY HUMANS, AND APPARENTLY ALSO SHINIGAMI...

"What the FUCK?"

WHO DO YOU THINK COMES FOR SHINIGAMI WHEN THEY DIE?

"..... good question. I always thought we just sort of dissolved. Or reincarnated"

WELL, THEY MIGHT, BUT FIRST COMES... ME. I AM DEATH. WELL, MOST OF THE TIME ANYWAY. I TOOK A BREAK FOR A WHILE, BUT MY APPRENTICE SCREWED UP PRETTY ROYALLY, SO I CAME BACK.

"Huh?"

THE FOX-MAN. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO DOGGY HEAVEN, BUT MORT IS A BIT OF AN IDIOT...

"Fox? Komamura-taichou? Ohh... That makes sense. So what was that about my sunglasses?"

OH YES. I RECIEVED A MEMO THIS MORNING FROM TWO OF YOUR SOUL SOCIETY CAPTAINS. THEY SAID YOU WOULD BE BUYING A NEW PAIR OF SUNGLASSES, AND REQUESTED THAT I DISPATCH...THEM.

"Hold on. You were about to say, "me," right?"

WHY WOULD I DISPATCH MYSELF?

"No, like you were going to dispatch... me? Who wrote this memo, anyway?"

KUCHIKI BYA-

"TAICHOU?!?! Damn. I bet the last pair were his work, too..."

I WOULDN'T KNOW. I DO NOT NORMALLY KILL SUNGLASSES.

"So, why did you this time?"

YAMAMOTO.

"That's it, I give up. I'll just get a headband or something. Can I just return them, so I can keep the money?"

NO. THEY WANT THE CORPSE.

"Bastards... Fine. Why do they hate my sunglasses so much, anyway?"

THEY SAID THEY DID NOT WANT YOU ASSOCIATED WITH THE OTHER 11TH DIVISION REJECT. ONE PAIR OF TACKY SUNGLASSES WAS ENOUGH, BUT KOMAMURA WON'T AGREE TO KILL IBA'S.

"Well he is a fox-man..."

DON'T REMIND ME. I DID FIRE MORT. AFTER HE MARRIED MY DAUGHTER...

"Sad, man. That's just sad..."

Both pause to watch as Schrodinger's cat walks by...

"Dude, is that thing dead or alive?"

I AM DEATH, AND I DONT EVEN KNOW... I THINK MAYBE BOTH. *

WELL, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO ASSASSINATE SUNGLASSES. JUST DON'T TRY IT AGAIN.

"I'm gonna kill my captain... Why did they send you? Why not do it themselves?"

YAMAMOTO WAS TOO BORED TO DO IT, BYAKUYA SAID IT WAS BENEATH HIM TO DO IT AGAIN, SOI FON SAID IT WAS UNPROFESSIONAL TO ASSASSINATE SUNGLASSES, AND GIN HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED. HE STRAINED HIS BACK FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD.

"Hold on, Gin's in Hueco Mundo. How did they ask him?"

MATSUMOTO HAS HIM ON SPEED DIAL.

"Oh. Fine, whatever."

Sunglasses are "dispatched"

NOW GO HOME, DON'T TRY THIS AGAIN, AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

"Erm... Okay."

The next time Renji tried to buy new sunglasses...

SQUEAK.

"Oh, crap."

*because of quantum... It's ALWAYS because of quantum...