Summary: Eric writes Sookie a list of things she doesn't know about Pam. Sequel to "55 Things You Don't Know About Eric Northman"
Rating: T for language and suggestion
Author: wicked18writer
Spoilers: There are some references made to books but if you just watch the show you'll get it.
A/N: No beta and didn't even re-read before posting so spelling and grammar mistakes should be thought as intentional and or computer errors.
Dearest Sookie,
After being subjected to the incessant whispering and giggling you and Pam have been engaging in whenever I walk into a room, I decided to investigate. I order Pam to tell me what you two found so amusing, and she showed me a copy of the list she gave you. Instead of punishing her, I've decided to comprise a list of my own. Turnabout is fair play after all. So, here's a list of 54 things you don't know about Pamela Ravenscroft. I look forward to sharing many inside jokes with you, all at my insubordinate child's expense. of course.
-E
Begin each sentence on the list with 'Pam':
1 Likes to secretly play the accordion and the banjo
2 Saw 'Cats' on Broadway 53 times
3 Enjoys braiding hair, mine especially, though I'm sure if you asked nicely she would do yours as well
4 Thinks Bill is a bad dresser, a pussy, a coward, stupid, boring, insipid, completely wrong for you, and sucks at being a badass vampire
5 Secretly wishes to bring pantaloons back in style
6 Once robbed a bank using only a paperclip, a megaphone, agitated Chihuahua, and her wits
7 When Pam was human she had a pet frog named Mr. Frog…
8 …When I turned her, she kept Mr. Frog as a pet until he died…
9 …When she grew depressed over the passing of Mr. Frog the first, I replaced the damn amphibian and have done so ever since…
10 …Pam now has a pet frog named Mr. Frog the DCCLIII (which is 853 in roman numerals)
11 Has watched 'Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog' 975 times and can recite the entire thing verbatim
12 Wore a nose piercing, nipple piercing, lip ring, tongue ring, and several cartilage earrings in her ears from 1984 until 1993
13 Once attempted to kill a shifter by tying them up and playing Nine Inch Nails 'Closer' over and over and over and over and over and over, in the hopes that they would spontaneously combust from sexual frustration
14 Has an awkward and cringe inducing 'evil laugh' which seriously sounds like "muh Haha ha muh ha", honestly its very disturbing
15 Pam has exchanged sexual favors for clothes with Michael Kors…
16 … Coco Chanel…
17 ….Diana von Fustenberg….
18 ….And the creator of the Ugg boots…
19 Once sought asylum in a freak show where she disguised her self as the bearded lady
20 Owned a shortly lived magazine entitled "If Your Not Me, Kill Yourself"
21 Prefers eating out blondes to brunettes and redheads, aesthetically speaking, as there is no real difference taste due to hair color
22 Claims to have invented the thong
23 Has a crush on Jessica Rabbit…
24 …due to said crush, I have gifted her a large collection of rabbit and bunny figurines over the years….
25 ….a collection which she has dedicated an entire room complete with bunny wallpaper and actual live animals, to which she has her human pets tend to
26 Does not like the word 'moist'
27 Cries at the end of Mary Poppins every time because it is and I quote "Just so sad! How can she just leave them!"
28 Wants to organize an annual 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' at Fangtasia, where I have to dress up in those dam heels and fishnets, just so she can run around in a demure white pushup bra
29 As a courtesy she applies perfume to her nether regions in preparation of being pleasured by her human pets
30 Has a crush on Edward from Twilight
31 Once stole a famous painting from the MOMA for my first anniversary as Sheriff of Area 5
32 Always preferred Florence Henderson as Mrs. Brady to that of Shirley Jones as Shirley Partridge
33 Once defenestrated herself to prove a point, however I don't remember what that point was, but it was very entertaining to watch her plummet down the side of the skyscraper
34 Thinks hairless cats are 'cute'
35 Has told fangbangers that she is related to Sarah Michelle Gellar…
36 …And Mr. Rogers…
37 …And 'Jill' from the nursery rhyme 'Jack and Jill'…
38 …And the Marquis de Sade, who by the way you should really look up if you don't know who that is
39 Wrote and illustrated several children's books entitled "How to Serve Children" and "The Pro's and Con's of the Penis" and "Ken Didn't Turn Barbie Gay, That Was All Skipper"
40 Once became so annoyed with me that she risked my wrath and cut the crotch out of every single pair of pants that I owned….
41 …I in return cut out the breasts in every shirt she owned…
43. …We were on the best dressed list for weeks after that …
44 Secretly wishes she could turn invisible so she could sit in your room and watch us have sex or at the very least watch you undress
45 Curses French nonsense when she orgasms with men, but speaks Yettish baby talk when she orgasms with women, when orgasm-ing whilst with multiple partners of both gender, she tends to talk dirty and a little gangsta
46 Likes to watch ESPN Cheerleading shows….
47 …So much so that she occasionally attends in person sporting one of those giant foam fingers
48 Prefers women who do not shave all their body hair
49 Cheats at Monopoly, chess, Chinese Checkers, Poker, and duck, duck, goose
50 Has an extensive porcelain doll collection that occupies two storage units
51 Would very much like to have a threesome with you and your brother Jason
52 Enjoys riding rollercoaster's naked
53 Had sex with Paris Hilton and is very ashamed for doing so
54 Was not lying when she said I would like to have sex with the both of you at the same time, and I do agree with her it would make a delightful gift
A/N: If you're the kind of reader who reviews, review me. If you're the kind of reader who just reads and doesn't review, telepathically send me a message telling me what you think of the story…and if your not telepathic you know the whole review button works too.