Dissection, a naruto fanfic

This is a very tiny oneshot…I was struck by the plot bunny!!!! I will definitely update Think Twice soon…so no worrying about it. AU. OOC

Warnings: Sasuke-bashing. I am still pissed about the fact that he's a complete ass.

Rating: K+, besides some cussing…

This is not SasuSaku. This is a "Let's laugh at Sasuke's stupidity fic."

Disclaimer: If I were Kishimoto, would I make Sasuke into an emo freakazoid with a huge grudge against Konoha? No. No I wouldn't. So, therefore, by Proof by Mathematical Induction, I do not own Naruto.

(I'm a Math teacher's daughter; I have to make math jokes sometime!)

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000010000000000

Dissection

000000000000000000000100000000000000000000000010000000000000000000000000

"I will now pick your partners." The science teacher yelled, trying to get the attention of his fifth period class. "Naruto and Kiba!"

The two looked at each other. Naruto had the gall to say, "But Kiba is a dumbass!"

"The hell? Naruto, you have the lowest grade average in this class!" Kiba punched him.

"Ahem! Hinata and Shino, you two will be partners!"

"Hai, sensei." Hinata said meekly. The teacher began to name off other pairs at lightning speed, the groups not even bothering to complain.

'Blah, blah, blah…That's all I hear.' Sakura thought as she played with a strand of pink hair.

"Sakura and Sasuke!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Sakura and Sasuke…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

'Wait, what?' Sakura froze. 'Not him. Anyone but him!'

"Sensei, you can't be serious?" Sasuke said from the back of the classroom.

"Sensei, I can't stand him!" Sakura whined.

Ino grabbed her best friend. "Shut up, Sakura! Sasuke's really hot! Why can't you just work with him this once?"

"I told you what happened, Ino…I never want to work with him again. The impact that video project had on my grade still isn't completely recovered!" Sakura whispered gravely. 'First History and now Science…you've got to be kidding me!'

"Whether you two are lovers or whatever is not my problem! You will work on this together!" The teacher snapped.

Naruto took this opportunity to ask a crucial question. "Why are we partnering up?"

"If you kids paid any attention…" The teacher muttered gloomily. He sighed and said nondescriptly, "We're dissecting a fish."

"WHAT!?" Came a shrill voice from the back of the room. Everyone assumed the voice belonged to Tenten, who sat next to Sasuke.

"Shut up, Tenten!"

"Huh?" Tenten, who had been playing with her nails, looked up. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Forget it! I don't want to hear another word out of any of you! I'm going to call off the other partners, we start the dissection tomorrow!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Sakura."

Sakura had been getting her books from her locker right across from the theatre, her next class. She turned slowly, "Sasuke."

"I'll do the write up."

"Tomorrow?"

"I refuse to do the dissection." Her eyes widened.

"If you think I'm going to let you bail again on an assignment…" She held her index finger up to his face to threaten him. "I will not do all the work!" Sakura turned on her heel and stormed to the theatre door. It was locked. 'Fuck! Now I look like an idiot!'

"Let me get that for you." Sasuke knocked loudly and smirked as it was opened. "I'll see you later, honey."

'That fucking jerk!' Sakura thought as she ignored the other teens' stares.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Sakura's partnered with that man of an Uchiha! And she's not happy!" Ino wailed to their friends at lunch the next day.

"Ino, he's a sexist bastard! I hate working with him on anything!" Sakura sighed as she tried to take a bite of pizza. Naruto took that opportunity to sneak over from the boys' table and steal the pizza from her grasp.

"Thanks, Sakura-chan!"

"Naruto, if you don't give that back, I'll kill you!" Sakura half-heartily threatened.

"I'd like to see you try, Sakura-chan." Naruto grinned. "I have the cops on speed-dial!" He took a bite. "Besides, I only wanted a bite!"

"Give that back, baka!" She swiped it back.

"Teme wants me to give you a message."

"Great. God, why couldn't he just disappear into the endless abyss!?" Sakura cursed the heavens.

"Because he loves you too much?"

"Shut the fuck up, Naruto!" Sakura glared.

"Okay! Okay! He wanted me to say, 'Sakura, your forehead is hot'." Naruto said without a look of humor. Sakura smiled maniacally before pulling her fist back and punching him square across the face.

"I'll handle the write up!" Sasuke yelled back at Sakura. 'Why does she make everything so difficult!'

"And I told you, I'm not going to let you out of doing your share of the work!" Sakura screeched.

"I'm not trying to get out of anything! I'm just going to do the writing!" Sasuke growled.

"Fine. But if I fail because of you…!" The warning was present.

"'You'll fucking kill me', right?"

"Absolutely." She shoved the lab write-up at him and left to gather the materials she needed.

"Once you put a label on your tray, come here and I'll give you the fish." The teacher called.

Had anyone been watching Sasuke's face, they would have noticed his lack of color. "F-fish." He stuttered to himself. 'Oh, god, this is worse than the time Itachi put caviar in my shirt drawer!'

Sakura returned and after writing their names on the piece of tape, headed to where the teacher stood with the bag of dead fish. "Take one." Sakura reached in and grabbed one, not bothering to look at it as she walked back to her partner.

Sasuke gulped, "Uh…S-Sakura…"

"What?" She asked in and annoyed tone.

"D-did you h-have to get that o-one?" Sasuke cowered behind her slightly.

"Sasuke? Huh?" She looked at the fish and was taken aback. It seems she'd accidentally grabbed the most deformed looking fish out of the entire class. She briefly clutched Sasuke in disgust, but quickly remembered how much she hated him. "We'll just have to deal with it!"

"B-but-" Sasuke held onto her shoulders, placing her between him and the fish.

She knocked his hands away and turned to face him, "What the hell? Are you scared of fish or something?"

"I…uh…" He blushed as he hid his face behind his hands. Realization dawned on her: Sasuke was scared of the fish.

"Okay. Chill out. You're not even the one who's doing the dissecting." Sakura said soothingly. 'Time for some payback…Fu fu fu fu fu!'

Sasuke calmed down at the tone of her voice; it was the same one that his mother used when he woke up late at night because of the fish dreams. He blamed his fear on the fact that Itachi used to make him watch Jaws over and over again as a three-year-old. Itachi was evil like that (Luv him, though! Lol 3). "O-okay. I'll just do the writing."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Twenty minutes later…

"Look, Sasuke-kun!" She poked the dead fish with the tip of a latex-gloved hand. "It's not even squishy! It's hard and decomposing!"

"Ug…" Sasuke turned a sickening color of green. "P-please, Sakura…"

"Omfg! I can force the mouth open with the blunt probe!" Sakura demonstrated, turning it to present it to a sickened Sasuke.

"W-why?" Sasuke clutched the table.

"You wanna know why?" She loomed over him threateningly. "Because you fail at being a partner! You think everyone is just gonna fall over backwards to do the entire damn assignment! Well, this is what you deserve!" She grabbed the fish from the dissecting tray and shoved it in the direction of the Uchiha.

"You can't do that! Fish are people too!" An oddly blue-faced boy intercepted the fish, cradling it in his arms without gloves. It was Kisame, the senior who'd been held back twice because he failed Biology; he'd refused to do the dissections.

"Kisame!" Sasuke looked up at his brother's friend with admiration.

"You can't hurt fish, Sakura-chan! I can't permit your abuse!" Kisame cried.

"Kisame, it's a friggin' dead fish." Sakura stared. She held out her hand, "Give."

"NO!" Kisame cried.

"I'll call my boyfriend." Sakura smiled eerily.

Kisame shoved the fish at her, "Not Hidan! Please! Anyone but Hidan!" Kisame cowered away, hiding under a desk.

"Excellent…" Sakura turned back toward a scared Sasuke. "Now…for your punishment…"

………………………..

The End

………………………..

Okay! It's out of my system! Feel free to review…but not to flame! I was just taking a break…

Though, it feels nice...cause I got to Sasuke-bash and pair Hidan and Sakura! Hidan is gorgeous, isn't he?

Sadly, the first time I uploaded this story…the spacing was hideous! I didn't know because immediately after I posted it, I went to bed. Sorry for the multiple dots…Heheh…

T.T

AJlovesSasuke

P.S. Thanks to my dissection partner for being grossed out by fish…It was great inspiration! Not to mention…thanks for actually helping me today with that particularly difficult section of skin that needed to be taken off…heheheh…I'm evil. Thanks, Isabel! (She won't read this…she doesn't like anime…but I did tell her about it so it's all good.)