Disclaimer: I am not the genius that thought up Gilmore Girls - therefore, I have no ownership whatsoever. Sad.

What You Want

Chapter 1

"What the hell is going on?" Jess was shaking his head as he spoke.

Rory continued, "I told you – he's tired, and his family's bugging him, right now –"

Jess could not listen to that line of crap. He interrupted her. "No, I mean, with you." His 'you' was emphatic. "What's going on with you?" He looked her up and down as he talked at her, and his voice sounded angrier than he intended. Who was he to berate her like this? After all, she did appear honestly confused by him.

"What do you mean?" she asked, softly.

His tone overpowered hers. Fuck it. He cared. And in his mind, he had to help. "You know what I mean. I know you. I know you better than anyone. This isn't you."

She gave a tiny shrug; it may have been embarrassment. Jess could not tell. Rory could, and she was starting to feel exposed. "I don't know."

"What are you doing? Living at your grandparents' place? Being in the DAR? No Yale? WHY did you drop out of Yale?!" Each word in Jess's final question felt like a pointed finger was jabbing at Rory's chest. Her breathing felt more labored than normal. She could no longer recall her long list of reasons for being out of school for months, with no real plan except whittling away at her mountain of community service and pretending that she was finding her way to a plan – a life plan.

She blinked hard and responded, knowing she was lying before she even opened her mouth. "It's complicated."

Jess jumped before she could continue to make excuses like that. "It's not! It's not complicated." He was dividing syllables more than normal and the Italian in him was also making a debut, as his hands gestured sharply with the stresses on his words. How could he make her see clearly what he was seeing?

The closer he hit to her insecurities, the more she feigned being affronted. "You don't know." How dare he, she thought. Yeah, how dare he be right, a smaller voice said.

"This isn't you! This. You – going out with this jerk, with a Porsche? We made fun of guys like this." He pointed back toward the bar. Half of him hoped said jerk stayed at the booth where he had abruptly left, and the other half wanted him to stroll on out into this conversation. Perhaps this Logan could see for himself how little he knew of Rory. Jess felt determined. He had seen a bit of the Rory he knew last night – the Rory he loved at one time – and this Rory before him was just a terrible false front for the real thing. He knew it wouldn't help anything if Logan walked out. Too big a part of Jess wanted to physically shake him up a bit. And he had tried to repress that kind of behavior. No, it wouldn't be helpful if Logan joined them.

"You caught him on a bad night," Rory tried to justify. Great, Jess thought. Fake Rory is standing up for the jerk. Jess didn't care very much just how serious they were. She was going to realize what she was saying, if he had anything to do with it.

"This isn't about him!" This sure was frustrating. "Okay? Screw him." He took a breath and tried to slow down a bit, to spell it out for Rory. "What's going on with you?" Long pause, for dramatic effect. "This isn't you, Rory. You know it isn't. What's going on?" He entreated to her. Jess felt so strongly that her world was off-kilter. With how much he cared about her, a little effort had a big effect. He watched her eyelids flutter as she took a breath to prepare her speech. Nothing came. He relaxed a bit, knowing they were making progress. Please don't come out here, jackass, he thought towards Logan.

He leaned in a bit, startling her reply. "I don't know." She saw it. She suddenly saw what he had been seeing tonight. "I don't know," she repeated, clearly lost. Rory pulled her jacket closed, and crossed her arms in front of her body, unconsciously hiding.

Lecture over. He brought a hand to his mouth, blocking any more negative comments. She didn't need those. He knew they would no longer be helpful. Jess spoke up again, but his voice was much softer. "Okay, uh, maybe – maybe – maybe…maybe we'll catch up…at a better time." He couldn't help himself. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he stuttered over the least of them. Instead he made a motion of gentle contact with her arm, nodded slightly at her, and began to walk away.

Every muscle in his body was protesting his movement. Why was he walking away from her? Why was he always walking away? His mind was yelling at him with each step. What was she thinking? He thought they just had a much needed conversation, but what if she just turned around and walked right back to Logan? Walked right back to that meaningless, quasi-life she was leading? How would he know what she chose to do? He didn't feel right trusting this Rory yet. He had to ensure she would not repeat herself.

What if he never saw her again? No, he wouldn't let that happen. Even still, the thought stopped him from continuing his path away from her. It surprised him – that thought of not laying eyes on her ever again. It surprised him how strongly his mind and body wanted to protest such a possibility. Without a doubt, he wanted to see her again. He wanted very much to see her more. He wrote a book because of her, dammit! Short novel. Whatever. He wanted to talk with her and watch as her bright blue eyes lit up impossibly more over something inconsequential to everyone but them. He wanted this too much for it to be normal behavior, and it scared him. He wanted to walk next to her and hold her hand and brush her hair off her cheeks when the wind placed it there. He wanted her. He wanted her to the point that it all almost felt wrong. Had anyone ever desired something – someone – this badly? Certainly not him, that much he knew.

Even in high school, it hadn't felt like this, and they were together then. Jess knew something was different when, last night, he could not leave her without the promise of something – anything – more. That had been why he asked if he could see her again. He had to. He just didn't realize why.

All this he thought in a matter of a couple seconds.

He turned back to her. "Happy birthday, by the way." She just looked at him. "Wasn't that a couple weeks ago, your birthday?" She nodded slightly, sadly. Jess gave her a single nod in return, and the first real smile he'd had that evening. It was small, but it was a catalyst. He could not stop himself from looking at her a moment longer. And in that moment, he felt she was going to be alright, because of the unmasked anguish appearing on her face. To him, it signaled that he had made some sense with her, and he was not crazy for reminding her of the Rory he had known. She hadn't changed passed the point of no return. How badly, he realized, he wanted her return. She was just about everything to him, and he had been lying to himself for a while now. He really was missing her.

"Jess…" she said, weakly, searchingly. He envisioned himself going to her, and holding her tight to his body, feeling her yield with one touch. Suddenly, he was certain of the fact that she would yield to him, effortlessly. The thought widened his smile infinitesimally. It was a smile that is in one moment, both impossibly happy and frighteningly sad. He knew he would not go to her. He already had done that, in a way. Now she was confused. In Jess's mind, it was a better confused than her time-off-from-Yale confused, though. This confusion was regarding greater truths, and was less about the muddled details that had tripped her, made her falter, and made her doubt herself. Deep down, Jess hated that she had felt such strong self-doubt.

The confused look remained on Rory's face, as the past six months reeled through her memory. She bit her lip, her anger mounting with each and every frame that rolled by. Jess groaned inwardly at himself, unable to tear his eyes away from where her bottom lip was turning white. It wasn't normal to be turned on while feeling so many other conflicting things, and especially over a girl that was not his. That reminder abruptly halted his thoughts. He forced himself to look at her eyes. They were moving like mad. Was that anger? Realization? God, Jess hoped so.

A good two minutes had passed since Rory uttered his name. Why? Why had she said his name like that?

She finally locked on him. Blue eyes met brown. "Jess…" she repeated, ever so softly. "What am I doing?" He felt an impossible, probably unwarranted surge of relief. "And how…did you…?" Her voice was growing in volume, but she stopped short. "No, I – I have to go." Rory dropped her arms, suddenly looking quite determined, and turned back toward the bar.

Jess's relief vanished. While he loathed that he was staring hard at her back, it was the role-reversal that tormented him. That was the view of him that was likely most prominent in her mind. He had left her too many times. It was no wonder that he was not a part of her life anymore. Not a very big part, anyway. Painfully, he could imagine that if he watched her do this again and again, he would not want much to do with her either.

Was that the truth? All his mixed up feelings pointed to yes, it was, but a part of him wasn't sure it mattered when it came to Rory. He thought he might always be waiting for her. Yes, he could easily do that. It was simple. If Rory found it in her to give him another chance, he knew he would not leave her again. He knew it as certainly and as naturally as he knew his own name.

She was evidently on a mission, but she whipped around mid-stride. The back and forth yo-yoing of this evening was really getting to him. Jess was the type of person that knew a few key truths with little doubt, and that helped him generally be at ease. But this situation was a little too close to his heart, and all this indecision was beginning to hurt.

"I…" she faltered as she looked at him. "Thank you, Jess," she said, somewhat humbly. "I think I have a lot of straightening out ahead of me right now."

Jess listened as he regarded how her curled hair fell around her beautiful, honest face. For the first time that night, he realized she looked more like the Rory he remembered. He remembered the first night they met, when she asked, 'Don't I look trustworthy?' He smiled slightly. 'Atta girl, he thought. His throat felt unnaturally tight, so he just nodded in response.

Rory continued staring at Jess, a million things running through her mind. She was impressed with how calm she suddenly felt. Knowing she was about to try to set things right was oddly empowering. "It was good to see you. Despite how embarrassed I am that you witnessed this –" she gestured at nothing, but he understood. "Despite that, I am really pleased to see you. And to see how well you're doing. Thanks for coming here. Really."

"Rory, I – " I, what? He thought. I love you? I need you? I would do anything for you? All a little dramatic, Mariano. Regardless of the veracity of all aforementioned, unuttered thoughts, it was an inappropriate time for their delivery. Jess felt that possibly, one day, he might be able to tell her such feelings. Not today, though, buddy.

"Of course," he said simply. He purposely set his face, as he had so many times before, withholding his emotions.

She smiled. "I would still like to take you up on that offer of catching up at a better time. We kind of got…deprived, here, tonight." Rory elaborated unnecessarily.

I'll say, Jess thought. But he was pleased. "Call me, whenever," he said, firmly.

Rory nodded in response, and Jess felt it was the right time to leave. He turned, and she watched him walk away, around the gate, and out of her line of sight. She had an urge to run after him, but responsibility kept her anchored. Logan. The DAR. Her grandparents. Community service. Yale. Yale.

Yale. Journalism. Her future. Rory was back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Jess. He was older, so much more mature than the Jess of their teenage years. And yet, when he gave her his tiny, crooked smile, her chest hitched. Every good and exhilarating feeling from their relationship was revived, knocking persistently as ever on her heart, begging her mind to allow their entrance. Not yet, she thought. She tried her best to ignore that plea. For now.

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