Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Summary: Sam's composure cracks after Leah's desertion from the pack. Told in three parts.

Part Three

I feel like shit.

I went to sleep last night thinking that by morning, things would be back to normal. Well, looking over at my fiancee and thinking what the fuck am I doing here with you?, is as far from normal as it gets. Our lovemaking last night was supposed to have fixed everything and why do I hear Leah's voice in my head calling me a pussy for even referring to it as lovemaking?

That was something I used to do when I was with her right? Only it's not. A quick scan of my recovered memories informs me that I never referred to it as lovemaking because Leah thought it was too flowery and I thought it was kind of cheesy and now I'm beginning to sound like a fucking robot. Scan of my recovered memories, indeed.

How could I forget that? How could I forget the way that she curled against my chest when it was over? How could I forget how sweet she looked in the morning with her mouth slightly open and her hair all messy?

None of that is even a factor with Emily. Everything is perfect with her. From the scars on her face to the state of her hair in the morning. I spend an hour, trying to think of something about Emily that isn't perfect and I can't come up with one lousy thing. How can that be normal? With Leah, I had a list as long as my arm. I didn't like the way she flat out refused to talk to me when she was pissed. It really annoyed me when she would 'borrow' my razors to shave her legs and I absolutely hated the way she ate her pizza with a knife and fork.

All the little stupid annoyances that didn't matter because I'd loved her anyway. All the stuff I was willing to put up with because it there was no pain compared to being without her. All the things by which the worth of normal relationships are measured and I didn't have any of that with Emily. I would love Emily no matter what because she was right for me. I had no choice.

And knowing that only makes things worse because I know I'll love Emily until the day I die. I know that no one will ever compare.

Jared storms through the door. "Bella's had the baby." I stand automatically, waiting for Jared to continue. Whatever he has to say must be pretty urgent. "I talked to Leah," he continues. I manage to contain the urge to ask how she is. I have to get past my feelings for her, for her sake as much as my own. Jared waits for me to jump in but when I don't he carries on.

"Jacob imprinted on her."

My heart sinks. So much for getting past it. "How is that possible? The imprint only happens after the wolf sees her for the first time. Jacob's seen Leah since he phased."

"What?" Jared asks. He looks confused but his expression shifts into one of understanding. "Not on Leah, you obsessed freak. He imprinted on the spaw----on the baby." My relief must show because Jared punches me right in the jaw. I stagger back, the impulse to strike back overwhelmed by my shock.

"Would you take a fucking look at yourself?" he yells. "Jacob has imprinted on a fucking hybrid, your pack thinks that you're losing your mind and all you can think about is Leah. Get over it, Sam....she has."

"What do you mean? How?" I ask, earning myself another punch. He's really going to have to stop hitting me. Even my composure has limits.

"She happy!" He roars, "HAPPY! For the first time since you broke her heart and fucked her life up, she's happy. Jacob's made her his Beta and she doesn't have to put up with you and Emily anymore. Hell, she's not happy, she's fucking delirious."

Past my blurred vision, I see an opportunity to confirm everything that I've been so sure of. Emily might not be able to tell me the truth but Jared will. "It was my fault, wasn't it, Jar?" I don't even have to explain what I mean.

"Yes," he spits. "Are you happy now? It was your fault. Yours and Emily's fault that Leah is an evil bitter shrew. Her biggest failure was loving you both too much that she let it twist her. She should have gotten past it years ago and now she's doing just that and you want to drag her back into it?" His anger fades and his shoulders slump in defeat but he still gives it one last shot. "You gotta let her go, Sam. It's not fair."

I want to shriek and whine that it's not fair on me either. If it was, I would have been able to choose. If it was fair, I'd be able to love Emily and watch Leah move on and be happy but it's not fucking fair, it's never been fair.

I phase, right there in the living room, knocking vases and side tables as I barge past Jared in an attempt for the door. This room, this house is closing in around me and my only instinct is to get away, to run away from it. I head straight for the forest, a short distance from Emily's house and only when I'm in deep do I phase back. I hide beneath the undergrowth. I won't leave until I'm sure and when the imprint calls me back, I'll deny it. It's the only way to find out the truth.

Rain begins to fall, washing away my trail, making it near impossible for the others to find me. As long as I stay human, they won't be able to track me. Protected by my shelter of leaves and twigs and thorns, I fall asleep, dreaming of memories that I thought I'd forgotten.

Night has fallen by the time I awake. I stumble out of the undergrowth, thorns tearing at my skin but none of it compares to the heavy swell of pain inside my chest. The rain still falls, beating a steady rhytmn on my bare skin. My clothes are gone, shredded by the sheer bulk of the wolf but I don't feel cold. I don't even wonder how I'm going to make it back into town with my reputation as a sane, well balanced individual in tact. Instead, I run for the beach.

The beach where Leah and I used to play together as kids. The beach we used to walk along holding hands. I look up at the cliffs that were used to tell legends, to celebrate a history that has done nothing but ruin my life. I walk towards the water and even now I can see beauty in the way the moonlight settles upon the ocean. I've forgotten just how beautiful it could be, I've been living in the sun for so long.

It hits me just how twisted it is, how much I've been forced to give up. Not just Leah but the world around me. The moon, the stars---Emily outshines them all but she still can't compare to their sheer majesty. Their power. I can't appreciate the sunset or the sound of birds in the morning because Emily is the only beauty I am able to see.

The rain continues to beat down upon me, waves crashing against my legs. I wade in deeper, not even caring how out of my depth I'm getting. Why worry? Why worry when nothing can hurt me? Why give a shit when I'm just a fucking pawn, an instrument of fate? Even if I die tonight, it doesn't matter. There'll be another to replace me. Another soldier plucked from the production line. Stripped of everything he is; his only reward a life he never would have asked for anyway.

Maybe death is my only way out. The only way I can be me again. I could find myself a pretty fucking cloud and look down on the girl I chose, and love her without restriction. I could love her with all my heart. I could be the man she deserves.

I kneel down until I'm resting on sand and I savor the feeling, the power, of the sea as it tries to pull me under. For once, I give in. I relax, I stop fighting and I sink, letting the force of pure, true beauty take me over. I feel more peacful than I should, considering just how risky this is but I can't bring myself to care. It's worth the gamble just for this feeling alone. I let go and stop thinking. I let the water pull at me until it feels like I'm coming apart and only when my lungs begin to burn do I break the surface.

I'm amazed by what is waiting for me. The whole world seems new. I tip my head back and look towards the inky black sky, the abscense of human sound echoing in my ears. Everything is so still and silent but the air is alive around me. I feel---connected again. Reattached to the earth around me. I feel giddy and excited because now I'm unsure of what is waiting for me. I have no idea what's around the corner. My future is a blank canvas again, just waiting for me to pick my colours and get to work.

Then I remember everything that has happened, I remember everything I've done and I feel a stab of pain so sharp I think I might be dying. "Leah," her name springs to my lips instinctively. Every moment shared between us comes back to me, as clear and beautiful as if it happened only yesterday. God, I've hurt her so badly.

The thought brings tears to my eyes and I bury my face in my hands, not even bothering to try and deny my thick, heavy sobs. Only one question makes it past my lips.

"What have I done?"

I run all the way home, both excited and terrified by this new lease of life. I feel strong and whole and I honestly believe I can take on the world and win. I'm part of this world again and having been trapped, I can appreciate it's beauty so much more.

Mrs Call raises her eyebrows in shock as I run past her stark naked but I don't care. I can't care. It's natural, all natural and I rejoice in it. That's all I can do.

I don't know what I'll say to Emily. I don't feel angry at her. How could I? She wasn't the only one who bought into the lie and I've hurt her in ways she will never heal from, but I can't waste my freedom. And I don't want to keep her tied to me by a lie. She's not my choice, she never was. My choice is probably huddled in a briar patch trying to stay warm, eating grass in an effort to ward off guilt she feels too easily.

The others are there; Jared and Kim. Paul and Rachel. Quil. What if mine isn't the only life that will change tonight?

Emily has her back to me when I burst through the door but even looking at that mane of thick, black hair, my heart sinks. I will her not to turn around because I can feel it all pulling away from me already. The unfairness of it makes me want to scream out and phase and break everything. I want Leah, I need Leah and in a split second, the amount of time it take for Emily to turn her head and give me that sweet smile, I forget Leah.

My fire flickers to sparks and I realise that my freedom was an illusion at best. How could I ever be anywhere but here? How could I ever want to?

The last free thought I am allowed is probably the same one that made Leah run. No matter how hard I fought this, I was never going to win.

fin