…ash…
To: All the lemmings still crawlin round down there
CC: HeavenlyMullet(at)PearlyGates(.)org
Bcc:
Subject:RE:Re: I'm bored! Gimme a break!
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OMG! Dean! I totally wouldn't have expected you to start this, but
OMG SO MUCH FUN!!!!
ME NEXT ME NEXT ME NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dean! Who is this Becky chick, dude?
Does she know how easy it is to break a CAPS LOCK key?
TELL US ABOUT YOU
What time is it?: Here…? It's all the time.. or no time… still kinda hazy on that.
Name: They call me Ash!
Nicknames: That's like, what other people call you, right? Well, in that case I've been called: Loser, Screwball, Nutjob, Bum, and… more often than not "Hey you!"
Parent's names: Orphaned when I was one. No, no, mama'sita don't cry fo' me. I'm in a better place!
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: I shoulda got a Deathday cake! But like Cas said… in Heaven, there's no cake.
Date that you regularly blow them out (birthday): I was booooorn on the 4th of Julllly!!! Nah, I'm just kiddin…
Pets: I had a hamster once. Was such a trip watchin the lil guy go round and round on that little wheel… Made me think, ya know? Is that like us? Goin round and round with someone outside the cage watchin us and laughin…? Now that I'm on the other side… Dude, it's scary how close I was to the truth.
Height: With or without takin my hair into account?
Eye color: Guess.
Hair Color: Depends on the mood. This one time, I woke up in a dumpster in Connecticut. My hair was blue. I figured, the hell with it! It's a look!
Piercing: Nah, man! My body is my temple! Where Budweiser worships!
HAVE YOU EVER...?
Had the drink Calypso Breeze?: Not on purpose, I can tell ya that much.
Been in love?: Ooooh… I saw this sexy Processor once! Sleekest wiring and soldering action goin' on! That baby coulda ridden me for a couple of jiggahertz!
Been toilet-papering?: I've been toilet-papered. Does that count?
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: You can cry in heaven, ya know that? That night after we sprung you guys, I went out, found the Heaven of this Native American dude who died like a gajillion years ago…. I sat with him on this mountain, and the stars were like novas. I told him about Ellen and Jo. About how they took care o me even when I was strung out. Yeah… I cried some that night.
THE FUTURE:
School: Massachussetts Institute of Technology! MIT for those yokels who don't know what I'm talkin about.
Where You Want To Live: I'm livin where I want to live. I got a pool table to sleep on, a fridge full o suds that restocks itself! It's like Heaven! Er… wait…
How Many Kids You Want: That options been taken from me, amigo.
Girl names: Names they give to girls.
Boy names: Names they give to ugly girls.
What Kind Of Job You Want: I was talkin to this one angel, name o Metatron. He's like… the Voice of God! And I was tellin him, why don't we hook up a heaven-wide radio station? I could be the DJ! Can you picture it… "Good mooooornin Paradise!"
You Want To Get Married: There's this chick, two heavens over from me… it's an all-nude heaven her side. I could get with someone like that!
WHO:
Makes You Laugh The Most: Moses! That dude cracks me up! He does this trick, right? Where he hits this rock, and string cheese comes shootin' out! Ya gotta see it!
Do You Go To For Advice or To talk About Things: Oh, you know, Paul's pretty good for that. Dude can't stop teaching though. You'd think writing two thirds of the New Testament would be enough for him, but it's like yadayadayada…
Who Do You Hate: It's all about the love, people!
Knows The Most About You: Who'd want to's the real question.
Is Your Best Friend: Ellen and Jo. I'm gonna find em. They're up here somewhere. I know it.
Has It Easier, Guys Or Girls: Girls! All they gotta do to score is show up! Am I right, fellas?
WHICH ONE?
Croutons or Bacon Bits: Beer nuts!
2 doors or 4 (on a car): Never driven a car in my life… or death.
Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper: If it doesn't give you a buzz, get thee away from me!
Coffee or Ice-cream: Coffe flavoured ice cream.
Shampoo or Conditioner: See, now this question is in here on merit. It's all about the product! Too much, and you lose that flow… too little and you got no texture! Did that answer the question?
Bridges or Tunnels: Tunnels! Dean, I can tell you why… Freud's up here! He slipped in.
One pillow or two: A rack of pool balls!
Adidas or Nike: Commercialism's killing everyone.
Nike or Reebok: You think the little Honduran kids in the sweat factory care what the label is?
Adidas or Reebok: Reebok.
WORD ASSOCIATION (FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND)
Rock: Geology.
Green: Heineken.
Wet: Wet Wet… I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes…
Cry: Chief Plays With Squirrels knows how to comfort a fella during a good cry session.
Peanut Butter: Jello!
FAVORITES:
Salad Dressing: Meat.
Color of socks: Socks are for sissies who can't stand the smell.
Memory: Oh, I got this one when I first popped up here. I remember, I'd just gotten my first modem. It was that five minute period it took for the jpeg to load Pam Anderson's bust line.
Toothpaste: A good beer first thing'll clean ya right up.
Food: Anythin that comes free in a wicker basket on a bar.
Song at the moment: Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory! Coz I totally did go out like that!
TV show: Okay, if I got one complaint, it's the TV channels up here. Five day marathons of Barney the Dinosaur? You gotta be kiddin' me! Hey, you overstuffed douchebag, I got a remix for ya: I hate you, you hate me, Barney gave him HIV! Got a rifle, shot him in the head, now the purple bastard's dead!
That probably happened, which explains why he's up here pissin me off!
Toothbrush: Bottle opener.
Subject in School: I liked art. I liked painting nudes.
Flower: Tumbleweeds.
Color: Plaid.
Non-Alcoholic Drink: Don't ask stupid questions.
Sport to Watch: Midget rodeo! Funniest thing on ear– uh… in heav– uh… Anyway, it's funny!
Country Song: Achey Breaky Heart! How's Billie Ray doin, btw? I hear his daughter's getting hot!
Sesame Street Character: Little known fact… they're all in hell!
Disney Character: Ditto.
Warner Brothers: We got Bugs Bunny, but only coz the demons runnin the show couldn't stand him.
RANDOM QUESTIONS
When was your last hospital check in: Does a crematorium count? How whack is that? I died in a supernatural fire, and I still got cremated. Talk about overkill!
Do You Drink: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many times did you fail your permit and Drivers License Test?: I aced the test, just never bothered to drive.
Where do you see your self in 10 years?: Told you, time works differently here. Ten years from now could be before I finish this stupid email!
Who is the last person that you got mail from before this one?: We get these stupid notices like all the time, from The Angel Network. (Whatever you do, don't believe anything about Oprah's Angel Network. The guys ganked the Whore of Babylon, but the Whore of Chicago's still out there!) Anyways… these emails, they say things like: 'Have A Blessed Day'! I mean… DUH! I'm in heaven! What other kinda day am I gonna have?
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?: Hacking is not a crime! I don't care what a jury of my so-called peers says!
Which single store would you choose to max your credit card?: We got this one store, it's called, I kid you not, Halo-Mart! That place is epic! You can buy a harp that plays Johnny Cash!!!!!!
What type of car you drive now?: Again with the cars! What petrolhead wrote this thing?
What do you do most often when you are bored?: I drink until it's over.
Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away from you: Heaven's closer than you think, Deano… Bwahahaha! Specially for you Winchesters! Jeez, take a self-defense class, why don't ya?
Are You In A Gang Or Club: Nope. I'm a lone wolf.
Motorcycles: Horses for modern day retards!
What Is Your Favorite Kind Of Clothes: Whatever the hel– uh… whatever the heaven's been cleaned in the last coupla weeks.
Are You Close Minded: All our minds are closed, man! To the truth! Mulder's been tryin to tell you for years, but nobody wanted to listen!
Are You Open Minded: I've been de-Scullied!
Are You A Player: Depends on the game. Either way, er… no.
Can u be in love w/2 people at the same time?: Just once would be nice.
Bedtime: You mean pass out-time?
Humiliating Moment: One day, Jo, she just decided to come in to clean the bathroom without knocking! It was her fault!
Who do you think will respond to this fastest?: Sam.
Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to send back?: Zachariah. Sent it to the douche as a joke! HAHAHA!
What time is it now: Look, it'll take more time than the universe can contain to explain the way time works here, okay? Read Stephen Hawking and pretend that's an explanation. It's not, but pretend anyway.
Who's most likely not gonna read this: Bobby.
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