"But everything changes if I could

Turn back the years if you could

Learn to forgive me

Then I could learn to feel…"

—Everything Changes by: Staind

He's just sitting there.

I zip up my jacket a bit more, suddenly feeling all chilly even though it's jam-packed in the subway. I look down to my right and see Suzuna staring out the window with an unreadable expression as always. I take a moment to evaluate her appearance—I hope doing this will somehow divert my focused attention to a certain person.

She's grown. She's mature. She's almost a woman now. The little middle school girl is now a beautiful sixteen-year-old. Her hair is long, almost longer than my hair which falls at the bottom of my waist (we both don't have the time or money to cut it); she puts her hair in two, messy, low buns instead of pigtails. Strands of hair frame her face perfectly. She's grown a couple of inches, though she's still shorter than me. She's still the same apathetic person to me. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she keeps it all in for her sake and mine. I respect that a little, but I don't want her to do that since it's not good to keep it all in. I hope she'll at least open up a bit.

She abruptly looks at me, catching me looking at her. I smile at her a little. She turns away. My smile falls.

And sometimes, I get the feeling that she hates me.

It's your fault.

Damn it, I got that.

"Excuse me, miss," a smooth, expressionless voice says behind me.

I turn around, and I see Usui standing behind me in all his glory. He is wearing some type of business suit. His hair is still the same messy style, but it covers his eyes more. He's wearing glasses. He's…different-looking. I didn't get the chance to appraise his appearance the last two unforeseen meetings with him before.

I merely stare at him.

He sighs. "Miss, you're blocking the exit to the subway," he informs me. He sounds like he really needs to go someplace soon.

What the hell? It's as if he doesn't know me. "Um, sorry. Go right ahead," I mutter and step out of the way, almost colliding with a man on the phone.

He nods and leaves. He doesn't turn back. He doesn't. He just leaves.

I feel someone poke my shoulder.

"Hey, Nee-san," Suzuna says casually. "Isn't that Usui, your ex or something? He looks so rich and proficient-looking. How come he didn't say hi? It's like he doesn't know you…"

I gulp. "I—I don't—I don't know, Suzuna," I stammer, puzzled. "Perhaps he didn't notice me or something… I mean, I look different now."

"Not that different. Your hair's just longer."

Oh, I wish, Suzuna… I wish it was because my hair was just longer. Maybe he didn't recognize me as much. I would've believed that assumption. But if you knew about our recent reunions, you would've immediately thought otherwise. Anyone would've immediately thought otherwise.

But something doesn't make sense.

I always knew Usui belonged to some high-class family. He even told me something about them when we were together. So since he looks all rich and professional right now, that must mean he made amends with his family? He's rich again…or something?

I scratch my head roughly.

He wouldn't have ridden the subway. He wouldn't have.

. . .

That killing memory always hits me without prior notice.

I stared out the window. I felt bleak, empty—to put it simply, I felt like someone ripped out every one of my organs, especially my heart. I felt dead; I felt nothing.

Contemptuous irony hit me straight in the face when I realized it was a starry night.

He wound his arms around my waist, trying to comfort me, give me security. But I wasn't comforted; I didn't feel any security whatsoever. I wanted him to leave me the hell alone.

"Say something, Ayuzawa," he whispered in my ear. "I don't like it when you're silent. Please say something…"

"What do you want me to say?"

"You know that she wouldn't want you like this. She wouldn't. It was bound to happen, and—"

I spun around and pushed him off of me roughly. I glared at him. "'It was bound to happen'? Don't you dare give me that, Usui! No! It wasn't bound to happen! She was still so young and—and—and she never ever did anything wrong for her to deserve this! She was the best person in my life; she was the best person in Suzuna's life! Don't you give me that 'It was bound to happen' bullshit! It wasn't! It wasn't!" I screamed. Tears poured down my cheeks, and I hated it.

He stared at me calmly. "Ayuzawa…you knew that she had an illness and she was over-stressing herself out. Right before our very eyes, she…" He trailed off. He sighed. "Even if you don't want to believe it, you knew it was true. You knew that it was going to happen. Deep down, you knew."

I gritted my teeth. Lies, lies, lies… He was just like the others—taking pity on us when we didn't need it, Suzuna and me. Why couldn't he just keep me company and shut the hell up? Why? Why couldn't he? Why couldn't he not be like the others and just…be with me?

"I don't need your freakin' pity," I spat. "If you're trying to make me feel better, it isn't working. At all."

He stared at me.

I knew it, I thought acrimoniously. Just like the others.

"Leave."

"Ayuzawa, please—be reasonable."

"Rea—Reasonable? You can go to hell for all I care, Usui! My freakin' mother just died, and you're telling me to 'be reasonable'? Leave. Just—just leave. I don't want to see your face. You're just like the others, giving me pity and trying to look like you're all sorry when you're not! You're not! I don't—we don't need you or anyone else for that matter! Just leave us alone, Usui. I don't want to see your face. Get away from me." I looked at him as if he was living disease. I just didn't want anyone near me.

He gave me a pleading look—something that you rarely saw from his usually aloof expressions. "Don't…do this, Misaki," he implored. "You're just saying this, because you're emotionally distraught. I'm here for you. I am."

I shook my head. "I don't need you. All I need is Suzuna. She's all I care for. Just leave." As I spoke those words each time, it was like I was sewing lies in my tongue. But I didn't stop.

"I love you, Misaki." The look stayed on his face. His green eyes were shooting unswervingly through me, saying "No, don't do this."

Those words he said, I couldn't take. They were the last words she said… She said those words…

"Leave," I firmly stated. "Leave."

And he did.

And I never saw him.

And I regretted it.

All the time.

I shake my head and slap my cheeks for more effect. I need to snap back into reality and focus. School is one of my top priorities—it never changed. Education is important to me, because, well, you never know what will happen. I'm not going to let my inner conflicts get in the way of what I'm supposed to do: taking care of Suzuna and learning. No matter what…those significances won't change.

I try to make an effort to listen to my teacher's lecture. But it's futile. The scene plays repetitively, paining my brain, and I hear the same wounding words I had spoken to him that night. It just doesn't want to stop. It doesn't. And I wish I could do something about it.

I feel someone poke my forearm, and I see Sakura looking at me with a concerned expression. She mouths, "Are you all right?"

I try to smile and nod.

Her eyebrows furrow even deeper. Her beautiful face will be ruined by worry lines if she keeps doing that.

"Headache," I whisper.

The concerned expression doesn't stir. It's like she wants to do something for me, but…she doesn't know how because I'm not telling her anything.

"You want some painkillers?" she asks delicately.

I shake my head. "I don't depend on pills. I just let it heal by itself."

"That's not good, Misaki." She holds my hand with her warm, soft ones. "What's wrong? Please let me help you. I can and I will. Just…tell me."

The second person. She's the second person to say that… I smile assuredly at her. "Don't worry, Sakura. Please don't. I accidentally stayed up late last night because I was studying, and I didn't eat breakfast this morning because I was rushing to get to class. I've missed one too many classes; I don't want to miss another. Worry about yourself. I'm fine."

Convincing her was hard, because Sakura worried too much about me a lot ever since that incident happened. I'm grateful for that, but she doesn't have to worry about me. I'd like her to focus on her peaceful, normal life, because she deserves that. Sakura is a genuinely good person; she has a heart of gold. She's a stunning young lady. She has a future just beyond her reach.

I'm the opposite of her. I may have had a future, but I guess I'll have to ignore that future and concentrate on Suzuna. I'm not a good person after everything I had done to Usui and Suzuna. Saying those words to him, leaving her to deal with poverty—what kind of "genuinely good person" does that?

Me.

Sakura would've fixed everything easily. She's that great of a person. Maybe it'd be better if she was Suzuna's older sister. Sakura's not a naïve and vulnerable girl anymore; she's matured, and she's living on her own with her own money. Admirable, really.

I continue eating my onigiri silently, watching people walk by me. I'm sitting on a bench that was in front of a convenience store where I bought my lunch. My lunch isn't much, just two onigiris and a juice box. I can't spend too much even if it's food.

I take a quick glimpse at my watch, and I do some calculations. Finish lunch, finish classes, go home and make sure there is enough food for Suzuna, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, get ready for school (if I have classes)—repeat cycle.

"Enjoying your lunch?" a voice says behind me.

I almost choke on my food. I gulp it down, and I turn around, ready to snap at the person who scared me to death.

The words fall right of my mouth.

Usui smirks. "Hello, Ayuzawa," he greets conversationally. "Lovely weather, hm?"

Am I even breathing? I don't think so. I feel like my entire system shut down, and the only action I'm doing is keeping my eyes open and directing my attention to him. I think the onigiri dropped from my hand, and I don't bother whining about it. I feel my lips tremble. I feel like breaking down. I feel like—like—like shit.

"H-Hello, Usui," I greet back. Wow, I actually managed two words.

He's leaning on the bench, resting his arms on it. He's still donning a business suit and glasses. But his blazer is open, and his tie is loosened. It's as if he just got out of work. He looks moderately tired, but he seems to not notice his exhaustion.

Whenever I see him, all I want to is apologize and do many things to him. But right now, all I can think is "What the hell?"

"How have you been doing?" His voice is quiet as usual.

Great. That question, I think bitterly. "Okay," I respond slowly.

He stares at me. "I see…" He clears his throat. "So, what have you been doing lately? Are you still working at the Maid Café?"

What. The. Freaking. Hell?

He knows that I work at the strip club, doesn't he? I did a lap-dance on him. We kissed, too. How could he have forgotten that?

Or maybe…he hasn't forgotten it. He's pretending as if none of that ever happened. Why?

"You know," I mutter.

"I beg your pardon?"

I glower. "You know. Don't act all dumb. You know that I"—I lower my tone—"work at the strip club."

His green eyes flicker to the ground for a moment, and then look straight through my eyes. He takes a strand of my hair and inspects it, holding it so gingerly it's like he's afraid it'll break.

I can't decipher his expression. Back then, sometimes, I could never know what he was thinking at all. It was incredibly frustrating, and I wished he would open up more. He never really expressed his feelings all that much. He never really told me what was on his mind. He really was an enigmatic person, hard to read.

"Yes, I know you work there. Why, exactly?" he questions, still observing the piece of hair between his thumb and index finger.

How do I answer that? "It's—it's obligatory." I hope that sounds ambiguous. That way he won't easily understand the depths of that answer.

"What happened to Maid Café?"

"I just had to quit it, okay? Are you done with the personal questions? When are we going to chat like normal people who haven't seen each other for approximately three years or so?" I really don't know why I'm giving him attitude. I don't.

He smiles, and I feel myself getting red. "My apologies, Pres. I—" I hear something vibrating in his pocket. He sighs, smile vanishing, and answers his phone. He holds up a finger, walks over to the corner of the store, and starts talking in English. Perhaps it's regarding his work—whatever it is.

I mind my own business and take out the second onigiri from the plastic bag. I start nibbling on it and wait until he's done with his conversation. I glance at my watch and see that I only have about nine minutes left of my break. I take bigger bites. I hope Usui finishes his conversation faster. Nine minutes left, nine minutes with him…

"I'm sorry about that," Usui says as he takes a seat beside.

I shrug. "It's all right," I mumble.

"How long is your break, Ayuzawa?"

"About nine minutes or so… Why?" I swallow.

He sighs and smiles sadly. "I would've liked more time with you, but I can't stop time, right?"

Nor can you rewind it, I think unhappily. "Yeah." I really didn't know what to say. I feel very awkward around him.

"Do you have anything to do after school?"

I finish the last remnants of my food. I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt. "Well…only for tonight which is work. But before that, I have to make sure Suzuna has food to eat. I have a small portion of free time after school. Momentary relaxation, you could say." I pause, biting my lip. "Um, why?"

He smiles again. I swear I think I just heard my heart skip around happily. "Would you like to spend some 'momentary relaxation' with me—even if it's just for a short period of time?"

No. Yes. I don't know. It's either the first two answers, but I really don't know. I mean, this could serve as an opportunity—maybe even as a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity—for me to set things straight and actually become free within. The guilt currently residing inside me may or may not go away, but I'm hoping it would. Quite frankly, I'm sure it would. As said before, though, I wouldn't know how to start, what to say.

I manage a small smile. I say, "Sure," and, just for old time's sake, I add, "You perverted outer-space alien."

Usui lets out an ephemeral chuckle, but it's enough for me. As long as he's smiling, I'm okay. I am.

You know, I think I'm going to be all right now. It's my chance. This is my chance.

[This chapter was pretty short…

Huh.

Ahem! All right, a lot of you are pretty surprised that I'm a freshman, my writing skills are "da bomb" (Ha! No one really reviewed that. xD), the story's angst-y, update, and so on.

Thanks for that. All of your reviews are filled with so many compliments. You guys rock, like, totally. :)

Stay alert for the next chapter!

P.S.

Projects can suck it.]