A/N- God, I'm getting so FFn lazy lately! I read fic, and I'm like "Wow, that's SO good... I should really be working on the last chapter of IIWII or something... NAH!" and then I go read more fic and completely blow off my allotted writing time with backing through ancient Lit fics from 2003 and stuff (most of which are bizarrely accurate in predicting where Jess' life was going to end up, frankly). But here I am, with the final installment of Self-Inflicted. Enjoy.

And to those reviewers who guessed what I meant by my agoraphobe comment in my RRs... well, congrats. You're smart people. And god I wish we'd gotten Windward Circle so that we could've seen more of Lily.

3. And Then She Kissed Him

"She was singin' it all along,
But you were hearing a different song."
-The White Stripes

His eyes are locked on Rory's across the room, and his stomach bottoms out. In her amber-colored off-the-shoulder bridesmaid's dress, she's a traffic accident waiting to happen and he's very glad he hasn't actually sampled any of the mystery cocktail in his hand, because he might have choked on a mouthful upon seeing her. He saw her earlier at the wedding, of course, but he was facing determinedly forwards the whole march down the aisle, and later, with Luke and Lorelai between them, it was harder to see. Getting the full effect for the first time, Jess feels slightly like he's been hit by a train.

Jess has just resolved to cross the room and talk to her when an arm descends around his shoulder. "Hey Jessie-boy, I've been looking for you. What are you up to?" He glances at the blonde who has so unceremoniously accosted him and can't help but grin, even as his thoughts and eyes wander briefly back across the room.

"Oh, checking out the maid of honor? How terribly cliché of you," she giggles. "I thought you had more class than... Ohmygodthat'sher!"

He grins at Lily's outraged expression. He leans in close to speak softly in her ear. "I don't know who you're talking about, Lily-lou," he denies.

"Sure you don't," she says archly. "What are you sticking around with me for? Go get her, big brother!" She kisses him on the cheek and pats his back forcefully, all but shoving him away from her. Jess stumbles slightly (Lily Wight-Mariano is much stronger than her slight build would suggest) and when he looks up, Rory is running- yes, actually running, despite previous insistence that Gilmores do not run- out of the hall. As she pulls hard on the handle, apparently trying to wrench the oaken door from it's frame, she turns slightly, and he catches a glimpse of her teary expression. Her eyes are dry, but he's seen that look too many times not to know that a breakdown is soon to follow.

Wondering what's happened between the moment Lily approached and now to have such an effect on her, Jess pursues. He's not sure this is a good idea; actually, he's scared out of his mind. She's broken his heart time and again and that scarred, frightened part of him is warning him to stay far, far away, to hide behind his walls and never let her in again so that she can't hurt him anymore. But his concern for her overwhelms his own fears, and he follows her despite them...

Rory feels sick to her stomach and, once she's stumbled out onto the veranda of the reception hall, she actually dry-heaves over the railing a few times, but with no tangible results other than hurting her throat and compounding the ache that came from trying to hold back tears. She's alone now, though, and with the important part of the day done, and both her mascara and eyeliner labeled as waterproof, she allows a few stray tears to fall, suddenly thankful for her freakout the day before. It was a vent for some of the tangled emotions she feels toward Jess, and is probably the reason why she's not just sitting on the ground screaming right now. Maybe there is some veracity to the Coke Bottle theory of emotions after all...

She should have known there'd be a girl. It isn't like she was expecting him to sit and pine for her the way she's been doing for him. She has no right to expect that, no matter how gratifying it would have been. But she didn't expect someone so young or so pretty or so very, very... blonde.

Guess he does have a type after all, she thought bitterly. And she was the only one (that she knew of, anyway) who didn't fit into that neat little bouncy bottle blonde category.

It's a vicious circle. This has to stop. She's successfully wallowed in her unrequited love for years, but it's getting old. She's tired of being... whatever this is. Weak? That doesn't seem quite right. Fragile? That's not the right concept, either.

Cold. That's what it is. She's just cold, freezing all over, outside and in. And she can't do it anymore. She can't be this soft, frigid half-woman who can't stand to see the man she loves with someone else...

A hand touches her shoulder and she spins around, hands flying to her face to arrest all traces of her distress, but they freeze mid-motion when Rory realizes who has joined her on the deck.

"Jess," she says, breathing evenly to keep her voice steady. "You startled me."

He ducks his head, implying an apology. "You okay?" he asks. "You look... well, honestly, you kinda look like shit."

Four years of self-flagellation and longing, combined with her resolution not to float through life anymore, explode. She feels confessionary.

"No, I'm not okay," she says, heart jumping to her throat, but she knows that it's now or never. It's totally the wrong time, but she's decided that she needs to get this off her chest. When you love someone, they have a right to know, right?

"I have to tell you something." A long breath before the plunge. "I love you."

Jess stares, sure he must have heard wrong. There is absolutely no way... "W-what?" he stutters.

She shrugs, blue eyes glittering mutedly. "I love you. I always have, only I was a moron and I screwed it up because I didn't want to know I loved you, and I'm a lot like Mom. When she doesn't want to see something, she really doesn't acknowledge it, and I guess I'm the same way because I hid it way, way down, because loving you is scary and big and... well, kind of problematic. So I didn't even know it when it would've made a difference, so instead of falling into your arms like I should've, as cliche as that would've been, I ran away and I hurt you. I know I hurt you. I pretended at the time that it couldn't have meant anything to you, but I saw that look in your eyes that night at Truncheon, and I'm so, so sorry for that Jess. I was screwed up and I was way out of line and I just... I'm sorry."

He can't wrap his mind around all this, and without his conscious mind telling it to, he finds his mouth forming the words, "Where is all this coming from?"

Rory shrugs again. "A few years ago... actually, it was four years ago, the day before I graduated from school, Logan proposed. And I didn't know what to say. And I was thinking it over that night, and it was you I wanted to see at the end of the aisle someday, not Logan, and that was when I realized how horribly I'd screwed up. I mean, I knew I was wrong to have come to you that night, but it didn't really hit home what I'd done until then. And I know I already said that, but I'm sorry for what I did.

"So I'm just... that's all I really had to say. And I know you have a girlfriend now and you're probably way over it and this is all old history and why should you care anymore? It was all a long time ago. But after all these years of hating myself for what I did, I just had to tell you that. Just this once. I love you. And now I think I've embarrassed myself enough for a lifetime. I'll just..." She makes a vague gesture and moves to go.

Rationality checks out. All Jess is sure of is that he has to stop her from leaving again. His hand shoots out and snatches her wrist, pulling her back. For a nanosecond their eyes meet, chocolate and sky-blue, and then his lips are on hers.

It's the only way he knows how to prove to her that he returns her feelings. It's the only way he knows how to tell her that he's been waiting, too.

The kiss is fierce, almost angry, and it feels as though they're both kissing with their hearts in their mouths. It's an eternity, or maybe not.

Rory pushes away from him, stumbling backward and staring. "But... but what about the girl?" she asks. "The blonde?"

For a second, he can't remember what she's talking about. Once it registers, he grabs her and pulls her to him so that she can feel his laughter. "Lily?" he asks, chuckling. "Ror, Lily is my sister."

"Sister?"

At the word, the tension slides away from her stance and she relaxes into his embrace. Though he can't see her face, because it's buried in his chest, he can imagine her stunned expression, and it makes him smile. "Well, step-sister, but we might as well be related," he explains. "She's Sasha's daughter."

"Who's Sasha?"

"Jeez, have I never told you this stuff? Sasha is Jimmy's wife. They got married a few years back, making Lily officially my step-sister, as opposed to merely her self-proclaimed book-smuggler."

"What's she-?"

"What's she doing at your mother's wedding?" He shakes his head. "Lorelai told me I had to bring a woman, which it turned out later was a joke about Mrs. Kim, but I didn't know that at the time and since Lil goes to college at Colombia, she's in the area, and I figured showing up with my sister was slightly less embarrassing than going solo when I'd been told to bring a plus one, so... Lily."

"So you're-?"

"Unattached?" Jess sighs. "I've been unattached since you got off that bus to Hartford eight years ago. I mean, unless you count a couple of random one-night-stands over the years, which I'm not sure qualify in the way you mean."

Finally, she lets go of him and looks up at him. "You've really just been... waiting?"

He shrugs. "Pretty much. Beats settling and closing that door."

"Speaking as someone who chose the second option, yeah, it does." She kisses his cheek, then leans her cheek against his shoulder again, letting out her breath in a huff. "Boy, we really suck, don't we? Just a couple of really pathetic heart-breakers."

"What do you say we put an end to that cycle, then?" Jess suggests. "No more hurting each other. No more fighting."

"I'd like that," Rory agrees quietly.

He forgave her long ago for the encounter at Truncheon. He suspects she also has long since forgiven him for leaving (multiple times). This isn't really a tabula rasa, but it's a new beginning of some kind, and Jess couldn't be more thankful. Just because he forgave her for her behavior that fateful night didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. Knowing that she's been pining too is like a salve on that old wound, strangely enough. It shouldn't be, maybe, but it is. And now they've finally gotten around to the happily ever after he envisioned so long ago.

"Hey Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too. Always have."

"Oh. Okay."

And then she kissed him.