Disclaimer: I don't own APH or this format.

A/N: rewriiiite. rewrite five to be precise. ouo

china masculinity jokes

YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! You've just purchased a YAO WANG unit! To ensure that your future is not full of unfortunate run-ins with large woks, we have taken the time to write out this manual. Reading it carefully will ensure you keep custody over all your limbs, and it is highly advised.

Technical Specifications

Name: Yao Wang. Also responds to "China", "Zhonghua", "Aniki", "Oniisan", "Gege", "Panda-san", and "Miss".

Age: 21

Place of Manufacture: Beijing, China

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 110 lbs

Length: Big surprises come in small packages. Oh, yes they do.

Your YAO WANG unit comes with the following:

One (1) green military unit

Two (2) mandarin jackets and pant sets

One (1) large wok

One (1) bamboo carrying basket

One (1) Panda-aru unit

Programming

Your YAO WANG unit is equipped with the following traits:

Voice Actor/Singer: Ever thought that the main female in your favorite anime wasn't acted well? Ever decided that the new pop sensation can't sing worth anything? Well, your unit has a beautiful voice. You can get him a job at a recording studio, and he'll make millions off singing and voice acting. We guarantee it!

Babysitter: Years of raising younger siblings have made YAO WANG a great babysitter. Your annoying siblings or kids will love him!

Bait: He's so pretty, what psychopath wouldn't want to get him?

Removal of your YAO WANG Unit from Packaging

YAO WANG is actually a very happy and sweet person by nature, but if he is moved or woken up incorrectly he will turn violent. In order to ensure that you don't accidentally kill yourself or destroy your properties, we have provided a list of safe ways with which to awaken your unit.

1. Sing the Chinese national anthem as horribly off-tune and badly pronounced as you can. Your unit will wake up and shout about your terrible pronunciation, and while this will result in a few hours' worth of lessons on Mandarin; to avoid this, you can reprogram him as soon as YAO WANG breaks out of his box.

2. Play Japanese, Korean or Cantonese music near the box. To the first, he will call happily for Japan; to the second, he will yell for Korea to shut up; for the third, he will bust out of the box and search for his youngest brother. After whichever response, he will turn to you and ask where whichever of his brothers are, and you can reprogram him.

3. Speak in Russian. Your unit will not respond, and you can take the lid off; he will jump you right away, so it is advised to duck as soon as you remove the lid.

Reprogramming

After successfully getting your YAO WANG out of the box, you will have the decision to reprogram him with any of the following mode choices.

Sub (default)

Tolerant (default)

Protective

Angsty

Violent (locked)

Dom (locked)

The YAO WANG unit comes, by default, in his Sub and Tolerant modes. The Uke mode ensures that YAO WANG be extremely rape-able and unable to top you no matter what; in this mode, he is also more likely to deny IVAN BRAGINSKI's advances, though he'll give in at the end.

The Tolerant mode is what got YAO WANG through raising so many siblings. This is also default, as said, and is the best mode to keep YAO WANG in if you hope to have him baby-sit.

The Protective mode is gained by placing a little child in his presence. Unlike half of the other units, YAO WANG is not a pedophile, and while he will at first try to not care for the kid, he'll eventually break down and be a perfect guardian for any child. It is not advised to have YAO WANG in this mode, if he's taking care of children, as he will be very reluctant to give them back.

YAO WANG's Angsty mode does just what it says on the tin: he will mope quietly about his lost family members and friends, and will be up for a few good rounds of pity-sex with IVAN BRAGINSKI.

The Violent mode is locked, and for good reason. In this mode, YAO WANG will be likely to forget his alliances and do whatever he can to protect something he feels is at danger - mainly, his siblings. He will not give up no matter what you do in this mode, and is prone to psychotic lapses. If you decide you want a crazy YAO WANG, you need only talk to him about the Opium War, and then sic him on an ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit.

The Dom mode is extremely hard to unlock, as YAO WANG is a sub at heart. For this, you have to remind him about the fact that he is significantly older than any other country, and that he is strong enough to top. Nine out of ten times, this doesn't work, but kudos if you manage to make it happen!

Relationships with Other Units:

IVAN BRAGINSKI: This unit and YAO WANG have a rather long history, dating back to when they were both under Mongolian rule. Much to YAO WANG's displeasure, IVAN BRAGINSKI has a disturbing obsession with him, and will stop at nothing to get a YAO WANG in his bed. Your unit tends to go into denial randomly, and shoot off at you; most of the time, this is due to his having run in with an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit who was much more set on sleeping with him than he'd like. This pairing is known to blossom off of hate-sex and so be rough; hence, we suggest setting up cameras before allowing them to be alone together.

KIKU HONDA: YAO WANG quite likes this unit, and tends to stalk him randomly. KIKU HONDA will usually politely receive him and spend time, and something more might happen.

ALFRED F. JONES: YAO WANG hates him, as ALFRED F. JONES owes him more money than he can pay back. Of course, there's a possibility for a sort of relationship here, and we guarantee that no matter how hard YAO WANG tries, he'll never top.

ARTHUR KIRKLAND: After centuries of drug-dealing and territory-stealing, it's safe to say that your unit hates ARTHUR KIRKLAND. Time eased their relationship, and YAO WANG will not try to murder ARTHUR KIRKLAND the way he might try to snuff ALFRED F. JONES, but not enough time's passed that your unit will help if ARTHUR KIRKLAND is in a bind. There's a possibility for hate-sex here.

Cleaning

Your YAO WANG unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, but we suggest buying a blow dryer if you do not have one. We suggest purchasing several shades of nail lacquer, or creating a steady supply of cash with which YAO WANG can get his nails done.

Feeding

YAO WANG enjoys Chinese cuisine, although he will eat pretty much anything. He is one of few units with an acquired taste for British food.

Rest

Your unit is not a night person, and will generally both sleep and wake hours before you - unless you go to sleep at 9PM and wake at 4AM. (Blame it on the jetlag?)

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My YAO WANG unit is PMSing because an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit showed up at the door in a Hello Kitty outfit!

A: The best thing is to just take your unit out to a Morning Glory, Sanrio, or other such store where Hello Kitty merchandise is sold, or activate the Panda-aru unit we sent along with your YAO WANG.

Q: A YONG-SOO IM unit is refusing to leave my YAO WANG unit alone!

A: Let nature run its course, for there is nothing we can do once a YONG-SOO IM unit has decided to rape a YAO WANG. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any damage dealt to your property or unit, or that of any other person.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Instead of opening your box to find a teenage-looking unit, you found a small boy with short black hair and long silk robes. He is rude and snobby and refuses to eat anything other than Chinese cuisine, and he flies into a rage whenever reminded of Mongolia.

Solution: Oopsie, we've sent you a little!China on accident! If you decide that you would like to exchange him for a normal unit, you can call Customer Services and we'll send you a new one right away.

Problem: Your unit does nothing but sit in the corner and tends to twitch randomly. He also constantly states that the room is spinning, and wonders why everything looks so bright. He can't stand up properly without falling over, though he'll burst out laughing and pull himself up before stumbling wherever he needs to go. YAO WANG also asks you to obtain illegal drugs for him.

Solution: Not-so-congratulatory, you've unlocked the Opium War mode! In this mode, YAO WANG will be disturbingly hospitable to ARTHUR KIRKLAND and ALFRED F. JONES, though as soon as they leave he will curse at them loudly and snap at anyone nearby. If you don't get your unit the opium he thinks he's addicted to (he's not really addicted, our units cannot be afflicted by such ailments) he will fly into a rage and break down sobbing. Calling a KIKU HONDA or IVAN BRAGINSKI unit over, and leaving them in a room together, will pull your YAO WANG out of this unit.

End Notes

With the proper care and respect, YAO WANG will prove a wonderful life companion and friend. As your unit has an extremely high tolerance, it is hard to annoy him to the point that he leaves you; if that does happen, he will soon feel bad enough that he'll return, and you can patch up your relationship. We wish you good luck and a happy life with your unit!

A/N: yeeee