Gah! This stupid thing sucks shit!

Okay before you guys even read this YES I know it's WAY OOC and emo. With Matt-rape. And the whole thing would make way more sense if it had been Mello-rape instead. Whatever. Just read it. THEN CLICK THE PRETTY LITTLE REVIEW BUTTON. Uh…please? –Stray

Loss. Hate. Regret. Loss. Pain. Fear. Anger. Rage. Despair. Regret. Determination.

Emotions swirl through my mind, almost too fast for me to name them. I run down the hall and up the stairs, my feet moving on their own. I don't see anything but colors, shapes and faces, memories and hopeless visions of the future. I throw open the door to the room I share with Matt and the door slams loudly into the wall and bounces back, almost closing behind me. I kneel on the floor and dig under the bed, haphazardly throwing things into my travel bag. Clothes. Books. Chocolate. I grab an old gameboy, and almost throw that in too, then pause and stare at it, my emotions finally overcoming my eyes, and tears well in them.

"Mello? What's wrong? You missed dinner."

Matt.

I can hear him behind me, but I don't turn. I don't want him to see me like this. I'm weak. That's why I didn't win. If only I had been stronger, then I wouldn't have to let Near become L. Then I wouldn't have to leave the orphanage…leave Matt.

"Nothing's wrong." Everything's wrong. "Just leave me alone for a few." My voice cracks on the word alone, and is suddenly thick with the effort of holding back angry tears. He's silent for a moment and turns away from me to turn off his N64, throwing the room into mute darkness illuminated only by the sunlight that seeps through the thick cloud cover and rain outside and into our window. I feel his hand come to rest gently on my shoulder, and he kneels next to me on the floor. His other hand cups the side of my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Mells? What happened?" I twitch at the nickname, and my eyes stray to the floor, anything so I don't have to look him in the eye.

"L…L is dead. I'm leaving."

"L-leaving? For how long?" he looks confused, like he cant believe what I'm saying. God, he's so gorgeous, even in here with the lights off. I can feel myself shaking with rage at Near for taking him away from me, and my vision blurs.

"I'm not coming back." I whisper, and close my eyes so I don't have to see his face. I expect him to yell, or to cry, but instead he lifts my chin and kisses me chastely.

"C'mon…can't you think this over in the morning?"

I swallow, my throat burning with sorrow and hate. "I'm sorry, Matt…this is it. If I wait…" I don't finish, but my hands clench tight, and my bitten nails scratch my skin.

"Can't…can't you take me with you?"

The end of his sentence trembles and hangs limply in the air. He lowers his head, already knowing the answer.

"No."

I can hear the soft grinding of his teeth as he clenches his jaw. His hand falls from my face and comes to rest on my knee, but it feels false somehow, as if Matt doesn't want to be here anymore. The silence following my response presses in on us, and he takes his other hand from my shoulder and rubs his forehead. I jerk away from him and stand, slinging my bag over my shoulder. I stare out the window, my teeth gritted, and try not to look at him. I don't want to see him cry.

"So you're leaving now?" his voice sounds small and hollow, in shock.

"I have to, Matt. I have to go and beat Near," I stifle the lump in my throat, and force a smile. "I'm going to catch Kira for you, Matt. I'm going to save the world, don't you see?"

Suddenly he stands as well, and when his gaze meets mine I can see that his brilliant green eyes are red and contorted in anger.

"No, Mello. You're catching Kira for yourself. You don't give a damn about the world, or L's legacy. All you care about is yourself and Near and your stupid competition. Don't you see?! The whole thing is in your head! There is no competition. You just don't…you just don't care enough to give a fuck about…about what's going to happen to me when you're gone." His voice breaks at the end of his sentence, and he looks away angrily as tears well in his eyes. His sorrow is beautiful.

I slam my fist into the wall, then reel backwards from the pain. He flinches, as if expecting me to hit him too.

"Matt, it's not like I want to leave you. I'll come back for you, I promise."

"It'll be different. Wrong. This is all fucking wrong. L wasn't supposed to die."

"I know…I'm sorry." He refuses to look at me, and his hair falls into his face shielding his eyes from my view. His face is directed towards the window, and he leans on the windowsill, his finger nails scratching into the worn beige paint. Even from behind, his emotions are conveyed in the way he holds himself. I can almost feel his despair and anger simply by looking at him. I step towards him and grip his loose shirt in my hand. He turns to look at me, and I meet his gaze with ferocity.

"This is an end, Matt. You're right; things wont be the same after this. But the end hasn't happened yet. We still have right now." I squeeze his hand tightly. "I don't know if this is right or wrong or what the future holds, but for now this is it. The past is over, and the future getting closer with every wasted second." I let go of his shirt and slide my hand to the small of his back, pulling him closer. Our breath mingles and I can see the glimmers of tears on his eyelashes. Before he can speak I press our lips together. It's not perfect in any way; his lips are chapped and slightly bitten, and I can feel a few tears slide into our mouths. I draw away and look him dead in the eye.

"I wanted to wait, Matt. For the perfect time, the perfect place when everything was right and you were ready, but I can't, this is it and…I…please, Matt…?" I'm making little sense. If I had more time I'd be ashamed at the want conveyed in my voice. I want to stay. I want L to be alive still. I want Matt.

I slip my hand down to his waist and fumble with his zipper.

"Mells…what're you doing…you can't think that we can just…"

I slide his pants down, and his boxers slide down too from the friction. His face flushes as I look down, and he gasps as I let go of his hand and brush my fingers over his length.

"There's no such thing as perfect, Matt. There's no perfect time for us. All we have is now."

"You can't mells, not with you leaving…"

"Please Matt, I need you…" I push him against the wall and press my mouth against his neck, inhaling his warm scent. My heart aches to think that after tonight I'll be gone, but he'll still be here. I force myself to focus on the present. His breathing is shallow and fast. "I know you're scared, but you'll be alright. It wont hurt that bad." I whisper. My fingers explore him, searching for his entrance. He jumps when I find it.

"Mello, no, please don't, it's wrong…now's just…everything's fucked up."

"I can't stop, don't make me stop…" I slide a finger through the tight ring of muscle and into his warmth, and he gasps loudly, backing against the wall as far as he can get. He's trying to get away from me. Pain jolts through me as I realize this. I'm about to leave…and he's trying to get away from me. Won't we be separated soon enough? The tears from earlier threaten to spill.

"Matty please, stop. This…it's all I have now…"

His eyes squeeze tightly as I slip another digit inside, and I slowly lower him to the floor, but he keeps his back against the wall. I force my pants down, and press myself against him. His breath shudders. I wiggle my fingers inside him, pushing another in and forcing them deeper. Suddenly his eyes snap open and his back arches.

"Ngahh!" the noise escapes his lips before he realizes it. His hips thrust of their own accord, and my fingers brush his sensitive spot again. "Mells…I don't…"

"Shh…" I kiss him again, and separate my fingers, stretching him. He bites down hard on my lip, and I can taste blood. He jerks his head to the side, severing the kiss.

"Mello, stop it, this isn't right…it hurts."

"I'm sorry Matty, I had to. It would hurt more if I didn't prepare you."

At the thought of entering him, my erection throbs. I withdraw my fingers and direct my self inside him. He trembles as he inhales deeply, and holds his breath as I force my length deep into him. Finally he lets out his air in a pained noise, and his hands grip my back tightly, scratching my skin. Every muscle in his body is tense.

"Ahhhnnn…" he moans, biting his lip. "It hurts…like hell…" I kiss his cheek and my lips come away wet and salty. I thrust gently, searching for the spot I hit before. He's so tight it's almost painful, but I know I deserve it. With every movement I can feel him tearing, and soon there's something warm and wet lubricating my movements. I hear him sob and realize that it's blood.

"God, Matty I'm sorry…"

"F-fuck Mello…you couldn't have the pain of you leaving be enough?…I always knew…you're a fucking sadist…" his words are sharp. I consider pulling out, but by now I'm so hard that even the thought of not coming makes me want to cry out. My hips buck, and Matt yells, but not from pain this time. I thrust into the same spot, and soon he's writhing beneath me, his own hips thrusting too. The muscles inside him are doing strange things suddenly, tightening and spasming around me…I throw my head back, my eyes wide, but unseeing. All I can do is feel, I can't even control my body anymore. I can feel my climax coming.

"Ahn, Mello!" he cries, and through my haze of pleasure I grab his length and pump. My vision goes white and oh god it's too much, it's too tight it's…fuck…Matty…you're so beautiful…!

My come shoots deep into him, and he throws his head back as I pump him harder. He cries out as he comes, and suddenly we're both limp and panting and clinging to each other.

"I'm sorry, Matt, you told me to stop, and I…I should've listened…"

"Shit…ow…it's all over your hand…"

I bring my hand to my face and lick the come off it. The salt stings my lip where he bit. He stares in confusion, but I have no answer. Abruptly, I'm exhausted. My heart feels like a tissue being dragged down into water, and every muscle in my body aches. I lay forward and rest my head on his shoulder, letting myself slide out of him. I wince as blood and come slither out of him and pool on the cold floor. His breathing is rapid from pain and the remnants of his climax.

"Don't let me go, Matt. I want to stay here forever, in your arms, just like this."

"Same…well, minus the blood." He laughs in a choked manner, as if at something ironic.

"Matt, I--"

"I know, you're sorry. I don't care about the blood. It'll heal. I just…I want you here with me. And if you've got to leave, can you at least promise there won't be anyone else? No matter where you end up, even if you get really fucking horny, you'll only jerk off, right? Cause…if you're really going to come back for me someday…I don't want to be second to anybody."

I smirk, and lift my head to look him in the eye.

"I know exactly how you feel. But don't worry, Matt. To me, you're second to none."