Dream, dream, dream -
I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
It's a dream - SVU is Wolf's biz!

**Snap! A girl can dream, right?**

Had this written for awhile...the first chapter anyway. Don't know why I am posting it when I have so many others to work on, but oh, well, what can I say. I still don't own them, but I think they own me! LOL!! You know I'd love to know what you think... " ) Bensler

Shield

by Bensler

Chapter 1 - Problem

Office of Captain Donald Cragen - Friday, December 6 - 7:30 p.m.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

"You know he will go off the deep end."

"I know."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"Nothing."

She shot the captain an awkward look and then let her eyes drop to her fidgeting hands.

He understood immediately. "No. You can't do that to him." He shook his head almost violently. "You can't leave without at least letting him know, Olivia."

"I was…I was…h- hoping you could figure out a way to tell him for me." She closed her eyes tightly, biting her lower lip

The captain stared at the detective seated before him. "Let me get this straight. You don't want to tell him you are leaving, and you don't want him to know why, and you think I can cover for you?"

"Please," she begged, as she looked up at him with pleading brown eyes. "I-I just…I just can't deal with this and him, too."

Cragen rubbed his forehead as he let out a long, loud sigh, and nodded in defeat. "I'll think of something."

She raised her eyes, now filled with tears, to his and whispered, "Thank you so much, Don."

He took in his detective as she stared at him. The strong, confident Benson was still there if you peeled off the layers of weariness even though she was a much more fragile version. Her face was pale, unlike her normal olive complexion that always had a healthy glow to it. In contrast, her eyes were darker and seemed huge in her thin face. She had lost some weight over the last month and that had been his first clue that something was going on. She always lost weight when something was wrong. He had thought it was Elliot. Again. He was going through something, too, but getting him to spill was a lost cause. The only one who had ever stood a chance at that was Olivia and even she had given up trying. Cragen had tried to get her to talk without seeming like he was fishing for information, but each attempt was met with her persistent mantra of 'I'm fine.' Still, he knew she wasn't but he also knew she would not talk until she was ready. Now she had talked and he wished he had never heard the words she had to say.

That morning when she came to him to ask for an appointment to speak with him when no one was around, he knew whatever it was, it was serious. He had stayed later than usual tonight, waiting until everyone had left except Olivia. When she finally shut her computer down and headed for his office, he felt a stab of fear take over and run through his heart as his stomach knotted in apprehension.

Closing the door behind her, she took a seat in the chair at the front of his desk; he was nearby leaning on his desk partially seated. She was extremely quiet; there was no aimless chatter; no questions or comments about the latest case; no joking, no teasing. Completely unlike her. She stared at her hands in her lap, intent on wringing them over and over. Smiling to himself, he recalled scenes from the past ten years where she always had to be doing something with her hands. Clicking an ink pen, twisting her watch, pushing at her cuticles, drumming her fingers, bending a paperclip, something, anything to maintain motion and work off her nervous energy.

Slowly she began speaking, filling him in on what had been going on for the last two months, explaining why she needed to do this. They discussed every detail.

"When do you start?" he asked.

" Wednesday," she answered, glancing at him and trying to give him a smile. "I'm sorry for the short notice, but they just…"

"It's no problem," he said quickly. "How long?"

"Six months. I'll let you know as soon as I can if it's going to require a longer period of time, or…or…"

"Okay…okay," he rasped, putting his right hand up for her to stop as his left reached behind him.

Pulling her file from his desk, he flipped it open. He already knew what was in it, he just needed a minute to catch his breath and pull himself together. He knew what she was alluding to and he simply could not wrap his mind around it. There would be no 'or'…there could be no 'or'. He would not think of it, nor let his mind go there.

"Your attendance record is exemplary, Olivia. I see no reason why One PP should not approve as much time as you need."

Nodding she smiled up at him, "I appreciate your help."

SVU Squad Room – Monday, December 9 – 1:28 p.m.

Elliot had been distant again. And when he wasn't distant he was grumbling at her; finding fault with everything she said or did and sometimes, what she thought. At least that was how she felt. It seemed he took issue with things that she never even said aloud. Maybe he did. After all, they have always been able to read each other like a page in a book. The shouting match three days ago was among their worst, and they had barely spoken since. He, because he was still fuming at her though he wasn't sure why because he didn't really even remember what they fought about; and she, because she just did not have the energy to fight him right now. She needed to bank what energy she did have; she would need it in the weeks and months to come.

She glanced at him over the space between their desks. He was engrossed in typing and paid her no attention. That was par for the course lately. She wondered what was going on with him, suspecting it was his home life. Every time he was in a foul mood it was because of things at home. Almost every time…unless it was because she was making him choose her instead of the victim, or he thought she put her life in danger unnecessarily, or because she had been dating someone for months and never told him. She should tell him what was going on now. No, she would not be able to handle him if he knew. Not now. Maybe later. Much later. Maybe. Her heavy sigh filled the air not once but twice, and at the second one Elliot looked over at her, a deep scowl on his face.

"What?" His voice was angry.

"Hmmm?" She snapped out of her daze.

"You got a problem?" His blues eyes were like sheets of ice.

"What?" The look on her face showed her confusion.

"You keep sighing out loud and you're staring at me. You got a problem?"

"Uh…no…," shifting, she sat up straight. She was staring at him? "What is your problem?" She may be worn out but the adrenaline was pumping now. She was sick and tired of how he treated her.

"My problem is a partner that's sitting there doing nothing except sighing out loud and disturbing my concentration," he growled.

Doing nothing? Just that morning she had busted it to finish all their outstanding paperwork, including his, for the past week and half. If they didn't have it in by 12:30 they would have been in contempt of court. It had taken her so long to finish, she hadn't even taken a lunch break; not that she had much of an appetite anyway. And he had the audacity to accuse her of doing nothing?

Standing and gathering her things, she leaned over the desk. "Well, life has a way of solving all problems eventually," her brown eyes, black as tar, flashed at him as she made air quotes as she said 'problems'. Spinning around she shook her head at Fin and Munch as she left the precinct deciding to take her lunch break now.

Medical Examiner's Office – Monday, December 9 – 1:45 p.m.

"Oliva, hi." Melinda Warner pulled a sheet over the body she was working on and smiled at her friend.

"Hey." Olivia stood just inside the door keeping her distance and just staring at the lump beneath the white sheet. Her mind was running crazy with thoughts that she should not be having. It would do her no good to dwell on such negative things.

"What brings you here?" Melinda asked as she pulled the latex gloves from her hands and discarded them in the trash.

There was no response as Olivia seemed to be in a trance, her eyes still focused on the table.

"Olivia?" Melinda repeated for the third time, concern etching her face.

Her head snapped up and her eyes met Melinda's, "I'm…I'm sorry. Wh-what did you say?"

"I asked if you were okay?" As she watched Olivia's eyes drift back to the covered body, the realization hit her. She made her way to Olivia, took her arm and pulled her to her desk in the corner of the room. "Here, sit down, talk."

Olivia swallowed nervously and glanced at the table again before looking at Melinda. "I-I can't stop…I just just…w-who is…" she tipped her head toward the body.

Melinda looked over at the table, too. "Homicide. Bar fight."

"How?"

"Broken bottle severed the carotid artery." She looked at Olivia and was worried. "Are you okay?"

Olivia ran her hands over head and nodded. Then she shook her head. "I keep thinking...am I…will I…will you…" she looked at the body again.

"Don't. Olivia, don't do this. Come on, let's get out of here," Melinda said as she stood and pulled Olivia with her.

Twenty minutes later they were seated in a small café where Melinda had ordered salads and a half sandwich for both of them despite Olivia's protests that she was not hungry. After several prompts from her, Olivia had finally eaten a few mouthfuls of salad but the sandwich lay untouched.

"I'm assuming you have talked to Don," Melinda said, taking another bite of her sandwich.

Olivia nodded. "Friday night."

"So you have all the details worked out then?"

"Yes. Tomorrow will be my last day. You have everything in order?"

"I do. I'll be at your place Wednesday morning to pick you up."

"Melinda…I really appreciate you doing this. It means a lot…it's so hard sometimes with no family…" Olivia's voice cracked just a little.

"Liv…you do have family. Maybe not blood family, but family can be anyone who cares about you. I'm your family and so is everyone else in the unit. Don't you ever forget it." She covered Olivia's left hand with her right and patted it.

A grateful smile was the only response Olivia could muster around the sudden tightness in her throat.

"Did you tell Fin and Munch?"

"They know I'm leaving but not why."

"How did Elliot take it?"

At her hesitation, Melinda raised an eyebrow at her in anticipation for her answer.

Pushing the greens around with her fork, she whispered, "I'm not telling him."

Melinda leaned back and stared at Olivia like she had three heads. "Come again?"

"He's…been a bear lately. Difficult…we do nothing but fight. Or ignore each other…"

"And that's different how?" Melinda raised her eyebrows playfully.

Olivia smiled slightly at the dig. "It is different…he's so…so distant…and just before I came to the lab, he told me I was his problem."

"Olivia…I'm sorry things are not good between the two of you, but you know not telling him is a mistake."

"No. I don't know that. Not anymore. I actually think he will be relieved that his problem is gone."

"I know you know better than that. Are you trying to shield him from all of this? Or is it to shield yourself from his reaction?"

"I…don't…" she sighed and pushed the salad away. "I don't know. I know he will be upset and I know he will find out why eventually, but maybe this way I can protect him….yes, shield him from it a little bit, a little longer. And I am protecting myself, too. Mel, I can barely deal with this myself. There's no way I can deal with Elliot knowing about it, too. I just…I can't do it."

Melinda thought she understood a little better why Olivia was determined not to let Elliot know where she was going or why. She might have understood it some but she still didn't think it was right. No matter how big of jerk he was, he was her partner, her best friend, and he deserved to know what was going on, what she was going through. And no matter what Olivia thought, he would care. In fact, Melinda knew he would be devastated.

"You know, he is your family, too."

Olivia looked at her and then away as she brushed tears from her cheeks.

Melinda knew Olivia cared deeply about Elliot. She also knew he had strong feelings for her, too. It was an undeniable fact. Over the years she had seen far too many exchanged glances and words to not see the bond they had with each other. Yet, she felt sorry for them, too, because as much and as deeply as they cared, the present circumstances prevented them from being together. Divorce did not set well with her – she and her husband had been married for sixteen years – but sometimes, sometimes maybe it needed to be an option. The few things she had seen and the many things she had heard about the Stabler marriage made her believe that everyone would be better off if they called it quits. Since he had gone home nearly two years ago, Elliot seemed more miserable than ever most of the time and she could not help but think that Kathy was, too.

Residence of Elliot Stabler– Monday, December 9 – 7:56 p.m.

For the last couple of months, he had been treating her like dirt. He knew it, she knew it, the entire SVU squad knew it. No matter how much he analyzed it, he did not understand why he was so rude, so hateful, so belligerent toward her. Around most others he managed to be civil, but for some reason when Olivia was near it was like he was just spoiling for a fight, ready to quarrel over anything and everything and nothing. The strange thing was…she was the one person he most needed; most wanted in his life. And yet, with each interaction it seemed he pushed her away harder and faster than ever before. The chasm between them right now was wider than it had ever been. Even after Gitano and Oregon.

Scooping up the partially eaten hamburger and the order of fries he didn't touch, he dumped them back in the bag and tossed it in the trash. He leaned against the kitchen counter and looked over the sparsely furnished apartment. It still didn't feel like home and he had been living there over two months. What made a place a home, he wondered? Was it the clutter and belongings of someone else? The kids. He missed them. Missed tripping on the mountain of shoes and bookbags at the door; missed the open boxes of cereal on the counter and spilt milk puddle on the floor. He even missed the piles of soggy towels left in the bathroom floor and no hot water for a shower. Was it the shouts and quiet laughter? Or the tears of shared pain and the joy of recounting a good day? He wondered how Olivia had done this for so long…been alone. He hated it. Hated the silence; the emptiness; the loneliness.

His cell phone vibrated on the counter. As he picked it up his first thought was that he hoped it was Olivia. Glancing at the caller ID, he groaned.

"Yeah," he grumbled.

"You do remember Eli's two-year check-up?"

He grimaced. No, he had not remembered. "Yeah, yeah. What time was it?"

"You forgot, didn't you?" she accused him.

"No…I just…just tell me what time, Kathy," his voice was full of exasperation.

"You did forget. It's not tomorrow, it's Wednesday at nine. I wanted to be sure you had time to let Captain Cragen and Olivia know. You'll be there, right?"

"Yeah." As he went to flip the phone closed he heard her call his name, but it was too late and he disconnected the call.

Let Cragen and Olivia know? He laughed out loud. Olivia could care less if he showed up, he was sure. She would be more than glad for a reprieve from his antics of late. The longer the better.

The phone immediately rang again. "What?" He really did not want to talk to his wife. His soon to be ex-wife.

"Can you at least say goodnight to your youngest son? He's been asking about daddy all evening."

"Put him on the phone." He knew Kathy was admonishing him for not seeing Eli over the weekend. But they had caught a case and it took all weekend to close it.

After a few exchanges with his little boy and listening to mostly gibberish he could make neither heads nor tails of, they said their 'I love yous' and 'goodbyes' and Elliot hung up the phone. He missed his kids so much. That was all he missed. He found it strange that this time he did not miss Kathy. He had analyzed that and come to the conclusion that he hadn't really missed her the first time. It was rather the familiarity of her, the comfort of what he had known his entire adult life. This time he knew it was really over and this time he had no problem, no hesitation in signing the divorce papers. Even after he had come home because of Eli, she had continued to badger him about his job and the time it took from the family.

She had even threatened to leave him but Olivia talked her out of it. But she continued to try to get him to transfer to Queens and finally he could take it no more. When he suggested that things were not working out between them and that maybe they needed a break, he was quite surprised that Kathy so quickly agreed. Then when he mentioned divorce, she asked when did he want to set it up – this was easier than the first time. Maybe she was just as miserable as he was and was waiting for him to be the one to call it quits all this time. He had to admit his ego was just a little bruised but the sense of relief that washed over him more than made up for it.

He wished he felt free to talk to Olivia about it, but he did not want to drag her into anything to do with the dissolution of his marriage. He did not want to take the chance that she would feel any culpability or guilt in its demise. He only hoped he could wait the appropriate amount of time before he explained to her his true feelings. He only hoped that by then he would not have completely alienated her and any hope of them ever being together. He was not sure exactly when he fell in love with her…he only knew he had fallen hard.

SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, December 10 – 10:45 a.m.

Riding the elevator to the squad room, Elliot thought about the last couple of days. After his outburst Monday about her keeping him from concentrating, and not doing any work herself, Olivia had not spoken to him. All day Tuesday she had pointedly avoided him. Several times he had caught Munch and Fin and even Cragen giving him looks that ranged from disgust to pity. He knew that when he and Olivia were at odds, the whole squad suffered. He knew they had all had enough when Cragen partnered Munch and Olivia to answer a call.

Later he had overheard Munch quietly tell Fin that Olivia had agreed to let them take her for a drink after work and that Cragen was coming, too. Elliot had thought it odd that the captain was going, and was miffed that he had not been invited. However, he quickly brushed it off because since Eli he had given the excuse of getting home for diaper duty too often when they did ask if he wanted to go. He wondered how that went and thought perhaps that could be a way to break the ice with Olivia. He would ask her about last night.

Striding into the squad room, his eyes went straight to Olivia's empty desk and idle computer. He is late because of Eli's appointment and she is always there before him. His eyes quickly scanned the room for her but all he saw was Munch and Fin looking at him. Munch's look was filled with…pity? While Fin's was anger. What had he done now?

"Where's Liv?" he asked, trying for nonchalance, but knowing it sound anything but.

The two other detectives simply traded looks, ignored his question and went back to work. This angered Elliot but he knew that was not the way to deal with them. He walked over to Munch's desk and leaned over it. "You hear me ask where Liv is?"

"I heard you."

"Well, where is she?"

Munch shook his head ever so slightly and peered at Elliot over his glasses, "That's not for me to say."

"What?" He frowned and turned to Fin when Munch kept staring at him.

"You know where Liv is?" He squinted his eyes at Fin trying to contain his temper.

"Yeah. I know."

"Well…?" Elliot was quickly losing patience.

"If you don't know, she must notta told you…so, she must notta wanted you to know." Fin cocked an eyebrow at him and leaned back in his seat, staring crossly at Elliot.

That was it! If he had to he would beat it out of him! Elliot came around the desk as Fin jumped up prepared for battle. Before he got close enough to touch him, a stern voice called out.

"Elliot! My office! Now!" Cragen loudly barked.

Elliot glared at Fin and if looks could kill, they would probably both keel over. He threw a quick glance at John, noting that he was now standing, too, most likely to aid his partner. His ex-partner. Olivia was John's partner now. Elliot turned and stomped off to Cragen's office.

Closing the door behind them, Cragen said, "Have a seat."

His voice was much more quiet and Elliot puzzled over the difference from the irritated bark of just a few seconds ago.

"I'm fine." He watched Cragen closely, trying to read him. He knew something was off, but not how much.

"Elliot - have a seat - please." Cragen's weary eyes pleaded and Elliot sat.

"Where's Olivia?" Elliot demanded.

"We need to talk, son," Cragen said softly, his eyes sad.

"Just tell me where Olivia is! Is she okay? What's going on?" He now stood and leaned over the captain's desk. His voice escalated as his heart skipped a beat and he couldn't suck in enough air. "Where is she?"

"Elliot..." the captain started then looked away. Before he continued, his eyes shifted back to Elliot, "She's…uh…she's taking a break…from SVU."

The defeated look on Elliot's face as he fell back into his chair said it all. But it was only a matter of seconds before it was quickly replaced with incredulity and blind rage.

Cragen braced himself and prepared for what promised to be an epic scene with the unStabler.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~