Disclaimer: The characters used herein belong to their respective owner(s). I am simply using them for entertainment purposes and to poke fun. No infringement is intended.

It was a beautiful afternoon, warm but not too hot, the sun was shining, and a gentle breeze blew in from the backyard, carrying with it the smell of freshly mown grass and flowers in bloom.

Soun took a sip of his tea and relaxed, soaking up the soothing atmosphere.

"Care for a game of Go, old friend?" Genma asked.

Soun put down his cup. "Of course. Just let me finish my tea first. I'll join you in a minute."

Genma stood up and went to the porch, and Soun let out a relaxed breath. This was the life. Enjoying a pleasant evening with his best friend, drinking tea and playing Go. Soon, Ranma would marry Akane, and the Tendo and Saotome families would be connected by the strongest bond imaginable, stronger even than a life-long friendship and years of mutual suffering under a cruel and twisted master.

Yes, life was definitely good.

Soun drained the last of his tea and got up to join his friend.

They played without talking, except when trying to distract and divert their opponent. Just two old friends having a good time.

Suddenly, the front door was thrown open and slammed shut like the jaws of a cruel cocktease, shattering the tranquil atmosphere.

Soun started and dropped his black stone. Frowning, he aimed a stern look at the doorway, ready to scold Akane for letting her temper get out of hand again as soon as she came into the room...

Only the person that that came stomping inside like an angry bull wasn't Akane, the girl known for having a short fuse and being a violent maniac. No, it was Kasumi. Sweet loveable Kasumi, the young woman who always had a smile on her face and whose aura was more peaceful and tranquil than a relaxation fountain.

Soun stopped short and blinked, not believing his eyes.

Kasumi looked … furious. Her face was twisted into an angry scowl and flushed red in anger, her hair, usually neatly tied in a ponytail that rested on her shoulder, was frizzled, strands sticking out as if electrically charged, and there seemed to be a tight blue aura surrounding her.

"That jerk! He'll pay for that! He's supposed to be helping people, not breaking my Ranma's arm," Kasumi muttered as she stormed past Soun and Genma into the kitchen.

"Wha-?" Soun was unable to wrap his brain around the idea of his oldest daughter throwing a temper tantrum. Akane, sure. His youngest was notorious for her quick temper and violent outbursts. She had once smashed the kitchen to bits because she hadn't been able to boil water.

But sweet gentle Kasumi? The mere though of his eldest daughter getting angry to the point of producing a battle aura hot enough to peel the paint off the walls was ludicrous. He couldn't be more baffled if the sky suddenly turned pink.

Blinking, he glanced at his friend. "Did you just see what I saw?"

"I think so, Tendo," Genma said, looking as baffled as Soun felt. "Though I can hardly believe it. In the short time I've known her, Kasumi has struck me as a very sweet girl. I never could have imagined her getting this angry."

The two friends lapsed into an uneasy silence, their game forgotten as they focused on detecting impending danger. They could still hear Kasumi muttering angrily to herself in the kitchen, punctuated now and then by pans clattering and drawers being slammed.

Soun exchanged an uneasy look with his friend. "Maybe I should talk to her," he suggested.

Genma breathed a sigh of relief. "Quite so, Tendo," he agreed readily. "I do believe you should."

Jerk, Soun thought, so ready to throw me to wolves. He stood up, his knees shaking-

WHAM!

And fell flat on his butt as Kasumi banged a cupboard shut with enough force to rattle the whole house.

"On second thought, maybe I should let her calm down a bit first."

"Indeed, Tendo. I think that would be wise."

The banging and muttering went on for another few minutes. Then,

"AHA! There it is!"

Soun frowned, shooting Genma a questioning look. Genma just shrugged. Apparently, he had no idea what Kasumi was doing either.

He heard water running, followed by rapid clinking, as if somebody was stirring something with more force than necessary.

Then all noise stopped, and the house grew deathly quiet. Soun and Genma held their breaths.

Kasumi stepped outside, carrying a woven basket. It was covered with a red and white chequered cloth, but Soun could see the top of a Thermos bottle sticking out at one side. She seemed calmer now. Her appearance was once again flawless, and her demeanour seemed placid as always.

"I'm sorry, father, but I have to go out again. There's an urgent errand I need to take care of."

Soun blinked. Well, she certainly sounded like she was back in a normal mood. "That's quite all right, Kasumi. I'm sure we'll be able to fend for ourselves for one e… ve... ning," he trailed off as he got a glimpse of Kasumi's eyes. They were cold and frosty like an Arctic lake. Looking at them was like staring death in the face. He shivered, feeling as if somebody had just walked over his grave.

He realised then that he'd been wrong. Kasumi wasn't back to her normal self. She hadn't calmed down. Her anger had simply transformed into something cooler, crueller.

In that moment, Soun was scared for his life. The dreaded master at his angriest seemed like a tame kitten compared to this primal manifestation of death.

He couldn't answer. He was petrified. It took all his willpower to keep himself from wetting himself.

"Very well. I'll be going then. You two have fun with your game."

Kasumi left, her footsteps an ever fainter growing whisper. Soun heard the front door close. Still he couldn't move.

"Soun?" Genma said, sounding mildly concerned. "What is it?"

His old friend's voice snapped Soun out of his shock. Turning back, Soun opened his mouth to answer, but stopped as he saw that Genma didn't seem bothered. His old friend had always been the one with the more pronounced danger sense. If he didn't seem afraid, then maybe Soun had imagined the whole thing.

Soun let out a sigh, his tension draining away. "It's nothing," he said.

Yes. It had probably just been his imagination. How silly of him, to think Kasumi could turn into a cruel demon with the face of an angel.

Soun laughed shrilly, the sound bordering on hysteria, as he picked up a stone. "Let's continue our game, shall we? And how some sake?"

Genma frowned. "Sake? At this hour?"

"Why not?" Soun answered quickly. "I just felt like celebrating. It's a beautiful day, I'm spending it in the company of my best friend, and soon our children will be married. What's not to celebrate?"

"Well," Genma hedged, "when you put it like that."

"I'll be right back." Soun quickly got up and went inside to fetch the sake.

Yes, he decided, some sake and a nice distracting game of Go was just the thing to get the vision of Kasumi with the cold eyes of a serial killer out of his head.

Hands stuffed in his pockets, his head hung low, Ranma shuffled aimlessly along the street. He'd been walking for hours, weaving through the crowds on instinct alone as he was lost in thought.

Nabiki had rejected him, shot him down with all the compassion of a Gulag warden.

He'd been trying to get over it, convince himself it didn't matter, but it still stung. He'd never had many friends growing up, never mind a girlfriend. To have the first girl he'd connected with and developed an interest in brush off his tentative advances felt worse than losing a fight against Kuno. Not that he knew how that felt, but he imagined it would be almost unbearable.

Who did that damnable girl think she was? What right did she have to rip out his heart and stomp on his dreams? And what did she mean about him not being date material? So he didn't have a lot of money. Big deal! At least he didn't go around selling candid photos of his siblings for petty change.

He was still Ranma Saotome. He was handsome, smart, funny, and one of the best martial artists of his generation. How dare she brush him off without even a second thought!

He would show her, Ranma decided, clenching his hands. He would make Nabiki regret the day she rejected his advances.

But how could he do that? Ranma frowned, considering scenarios. Maybe he could shag both her sisters. Fuck them so hard and so well they screamed the house down until they couldn't walk, couldn't even think. Then Nabiki would come crawling back to him, awed by his sexual prowess, begging him for a ride on the Wild Horse. And he would deny her. He would look her right in her pleading eyes, smirk and say, "Sorry, Nabiki, you're nice and all, but you're just not fucking material."

Ranma smiled as he pictured it. Then he shook his head, rejecting that idea. If he had learned anything during his stay with the Tendos, it was that having sex with any of the girls would only lead to trouble. There would be jealousy and anger, and things would get messy fast. He didn't want to deal with that.

More importantly, though, he wanted more than a mere physical relationship with Nabiki. The short time he had spent with her had been great. She was intelligent, witty, not freaked out by his curse, good in bed, and just plain fun to be with. And unlike her sisters, she didn't have a strange fetishes.

If Soun were to ask him again tomorrow to choose one of his daughters, Ranma would pick Nabiki.

Too bad Nabiki didn't want anything to do with him like that. Unless...

Ranma smiled, a new idea forming in his head.

If he could convince Nabiki that he was more than just a convenient fuck-buddy, that he was the kind of man she'd like to go out with, maybe even marry one day, she might reconsider. But how could he do that?

Hmm, Ranma scratched his chin as he thought. Yes, he nodded, this way he could kill two birds with one stone.

He would show Nabiki that she was wrong. He would demonstrate that he was indeed boyfriend material by going all-out and wooing Akane. He would shower her with gifts, take her on dates, worship the ground she walked on, and just generally be the most romantic and considerate man the sisters had ever met. That should stop Akane's demands for sex as well. After all, those magazines he'd read had said that girls weren't really into sex. They wanted romance and love. Sex was just a chore for them.

Chuckling, Ranma turned in the direction of the Tendo dojo. He should arrive just in time for dinner.

Kasumi was on a mission. She walked along the streets of Nerima with a purpose, her footsteps swift and light, her head held high and her gaze locked forward, barely paying any attention to the people she passed by on the streets. In her arms she carried a wicker basket, covered with a red and white chequered cloth. The cap of a Thermos bottle peeked out of it.

There was only one person on her mind: Ono Tofu, the chiropractor slash specialist for Chinese medicine her family had been visiting for the last ten years. His practise wasn't very far now. Soon, she'd be there. Then she would express to him her extreme displeasure over the way he had treated her Ranma earlier.

Just thinking of it again made her blood boil, and she gripped her wicker basket tighter, her knuckles turning white as the scene played itself out again in her head. She could see the way that clown of a man had gripped her master's arm and bent it, could her the sickening sound her master's joints had produced as they were wrenched out of their sockets.

Kasumi felt her blood boil, her heart accelerating until it was hammering in her ears. Nausea rose in the back of her throat, and she stopped, forcing herself to relax. It took several deep breaths and mental images of a broken Tofu lying in the dirt at her feet, begging for mercy, to finally quiet the roaring dragon in her chest.

Soon, Tofu, Kasumi thought, you will regret ever laying hands on my Ranma! Her lips stretched into a thin smile, and she resumed her walk.

"Why, if it isn't Kasumi Tendo!" somebody called from her left. "I haven't seen you around the last few days."

Kasumi stopped and blinked, snapping out of her intense focus. Turning, she saw Mister Tanaka, the owner of the fruit stand she usually shopped at. He was smiling widely at her, baring his teeth, and crowfeet appeared at the corner of his eyes. She briefly considered ignoring him and just continuing on her way, but thought better of it. Mister Tanaka was a kind man who always had a compliment for her and often gave her discounts on his produce. She just didn't have the heart to ignore such a nice, kind man.

With a resigned sigh, Kasumi pasted on her most cheerful smile and made her way over. "Hello, Mister Tanaka. How is business?"

"I can't complain," he said, "but it's going better now that I have you to brighten my day."

"Why, how nice of you," Kasumi said, keeping her eyes from rolling only with a Herculean effort of will.

"Maybe I could interest you in some vegetables?" Tanaka said, holding up a cucumber. "I just got a fresh shipment an hour ago."

"I'm sorry, but I really don't have the time right now," Kasumi said.

"But you just got here and I haven't seen you in days!" Tanaka protested, sounding like a belligerent boy. "Where are you going in such a hurry anyway? You usually stick around to chat for a bit."

This time Kasumi did roll her eyes. That guy was always so nosy. "I'm just going to visit Doctor Tofu."

"Tofu, eh?" Tanaka said, his smile growing strained, the glint disappearing from his eyes. "That is one lucky man."

"It's not like that," Kasumi said.

Jeez, what is it with people thinking I have a crush on that horrible old man? she thought. Sure, Tofu was kind of handsome and had a respectable job, but that was pretty much the extent of his positive qualities.

Kasumi wasn't stupid. She was well aware that Tofu had a crush on her and that this was the reason he acted like a five-year-old on LSD whenever he saw her. But that was an entirely one-sided attraction. The way he always fell to pieces around her just wasn't particularly attractive. Or manly. Plus, he was twice her age! He'd already been hitting on her when Kasumi had been in her last year of junior high school. That was just creepy – a middle-aged man hitting on a girl barely half his age.

There was a time when Kasumi had entertained the idea of giving the good doctor a chance, but as soon as she pictured what her future life would be like she had dismissed it. Tofu was almost 40 years old and so shy that she'd probably have to tie him to a bed to get any sex from him. In another twenty years, when Kasumi would enter the prime of her life, he'd be 60. By then he'd never be able to keep up with her sexually!

No, Tofu wasn't the man for her. And people who thought she had a thing for the middle-aged creep should get their heads examined.

Kasumi wanted a man who was confident, strong and handsome. Somebody who could be assertive when needed, but who didn't stifle her.

Somebody like my Ranma, Kasumi thought, smiling dreamily as she remembered the way he had asserted himself in the bathroom that night.

"Sure it isn't," Tanaka grumbled, snapping Kasumi out of her memories.

She blinked. "Hmm? Oh," she made as came to her senses. Right, she was on her way to punish Tofu for hurting her Ranma. "I'm sorry, but I really do have to get going now."

"Well, if you're in such a hurry, I won't hold you up," Tanaka said reluctantly. "Just promise me it won't be another week before you visit again!"

"I promise. Good bye!" Turning, Kasumi resumed her walk to Tofu's practise, checking her basket to see the Thermos bottle was still in it. After five steps she stopped and turned back.

"On second thought, I think I might need a few things after all. What would you suggest I serve with roast pork?"

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, Akane thought as she stood before the giant iron gate of the Kuno mansion.

The foreboding portal loomed before her twenty feet high and forty feet across. It gave of a strange low hum that made the fine hairs on her arms stand up. Twisting black iron bars ran from the bottom to the top, and gleaming golden metal framed the bars and wove itself in loops and waves from left to right. Occasionally, sparks would fly from the spots where a bar and a loop intersected.

At a height of about five feet signs hung at the gate, proclaiming strange things like,

"INTRUDERS WILL BE FED TO THE GIANT MAN-EATING TURTLE!"

"BAD KEIKIS WHO NO HAVE PERMISSION TO GET IN BE GETTIN' BUZZ CUTS!"

"HALT! STATE YOUR BUSINESS, PEASANT, OR YOU WILL BE SMITTEN WITH THE JUSTICE OF THE HEAVENS!"

Through the gate Akane could see the opulent Kuno mansion and the garden surrounding it. The mansion itself was easily four times as big as her own house, built in the traditional style of Samurai homes. A cobbled road, as wide as the front gate, led to what she assumed was the front door, twisting and winding across well-manicured lawn like a giant, grey serpent. Well-kempt hedges adorned the edges of the road, and pine trees had been planted along the outer wall. In the corner to the left of the house something glinted in the sun-light, probably a big pond.

"These people are crazy. And I must be crazy for even considering this," Akane muttered as she stared at the signs hanging on the gate. Steeling her nerves, she walked to the right edge of the gate, where a console that served as doorbell and intercom was fixed to the wall.

She pressed the button and waited, trying not to let the huge, looming brown walls that surrounded the Kuno compound intimidate her.

About a minute later, the intercom crackled. "What?" somebody snapped at her.

"Uhm, this is Akane Tendo. I'd to like to talk to Tatewaki Kuno. Is he in?"

"Just a minu-"

"Foolish servant boy!" Akane heard Tatewaki interrupt whomever was talking to her. "If the fierce tigress wishes to bask in my magnificent presence you will let her in at once or I will smite you!"

Muffled impact sounds followed by grunts and a crash came out of the intercom. Then there was silence.

Jeez, Akane thought with a roll of her eyes, he even treats his servants like garbage. Why did I think this was a good idea again?

"The master will meet with you in his quarters," the first voice came back after a bit.

The intercom crackled off, and Akane turned to the gate, nervously biting her lip. The humming sound cut off, accompanied by a burst of sparks that showered to the ground, before the gate swung inwards without a sound.

"Well," Akane said, straightening her spine, "here goes nothing."

Kasumi stood before the door to Tofu's practise, trying to think of the right words that would get rid of his patients so she'd be alone with the brainless creep.

"Please, everyone, could you leave and come back tomorrow? I have something important to discuss with the doctor."

No, that wasn't forceful enough. Tofu's patients were mostly old-timers who didn't have anything to do and visited his practise to exchange gossip and pass the time as much as they went there for actual medical reasons.

"All right, you old farts! Get out or I'll kick your wrinkly asses! The sadistic paedophile and I need to have words!"

Kasumi giggled as she pictured the expressions such words coming out of her mouth would cause. It would undoubtedly be funny, but there was the risk that some of his patients would die of a heart attack.

Maybe she could hint at romantic motives for her visit. Most of his patients were incorrigible yentas on top of being horrible gossips. Feeding their delusions might get them out of there. Though that would inevitably lead to uncomfortable questions when she saw them again later.

In the end, Kasumi decided to simply wing it.

As it turned out, Kasumi's worries had been for nothing. As soon as she entered the practise, the people in the waiting room paled as if they'd soon a ghost, made up lame excuses and left as if the hounds of hell were after them.

"I wonder what that's all about," Kasumi muttered. Deciding it didn't matter, she locked the door and set down her basket on the table. She took off the cloth covering the basket and spread it over the table. Out of the basket she removed a pair of rubber gloves, a plate and a large kitchen knife, which she all laid out on the cloth. Lastly, she took out the Thermos bottle and unscrewed its cap.

Her preparations complete, she sat down to wait for the good doctor.

He wandered in five minutes later, dressed as usual in a dark gi and wearing slippers. As soon as he saw her, he grew rigid, his glasses fogging up as he began babbling.

"Ka- Ka- Kasumi! What a pleasant surprise!"

Sighing, Kasumi grabbed the Thermos bottle and rose, ignoring his silly stammering as she approached him. Once she was within touching distance, she splashed him with the contents of the bottle.

The effect was immediate. The doctor seemed to disappear, his clothes falling to the floor in a heap, and his voice cut off mid-babble and transformed into high-pitched squealing.

Kasumi reached into the pile of clothes, rooting around until her hand bumped against Tofu, and picked the transformed doctor up, his glasses dangling off the piglet's left ear. She raised the small piglet up until she could look into its wide, terrified eyes, her hands clutching it so tightly her knuckles were turning white. "You hurt my master, Tofu-sensei," she hissed, ignoring the pig's pathetic squealing. "No one hurts my master. I hope you enjoyed your life, because it's going to end."

The piglet's squeals rose in volume and frequency, and it began squirming in Kasumi's grip like a Frenchman in the face of battle as she carried it to the table. Kasumi's grip was like iron though, and she paid the piglet's struggle only enough attention to pick up a magazine and roll it into a tube.

WHAP!

She slapped her prey over the head with her improvised weapon, and the transformed doctor instantly stopped struggling.

Kasumi picked up the knife, its edge glinting dangerously in the artificial light of the doctor's waiting room. "Now it's time to begin your punishment."

The piglet let out a shrill squeal like a boiling tea kettle, its eyes bulging out of its head before they rolled back, and it fell over on its right side, unconscious.

Kasumi pursed her lips. "How... disappointing. I was hoping for a bit more resistance than that. Well, no matter."

She plugged the glasses off the piglet's ear and set the piglet down on the plate. Then she picked up the knife and ran a finger along its edge. "Nice and sharp," she told the unconscious doctor, "you won't feel a thing. It's too bad really."

She put on her gloves and set to work, neatly cutting off the head with the first swift stroke of the knife. Her victim didn't even squeal.

Once her gruesome work was finished, she put the plate with the cut up pig back into the basket, together with the gloves and Thermos, and covered it again with the cloth.

Before she left, she scribbled a hasty note, which she taped to the door of the practise.

Practise closed. Had to leave town due to personal reasons.

Ono Tofu.

The front door opened just as Akane raised her hand to knock, and a middle-aged Japanese man dressed in a butler's uniform looked at her with a sneer on his face.

"The young master has instructed me to lead you to him immediately. Follow me."

He walked off without waiting for a response, and Akane hurried after him. She almost had to break into a light jog to keep up with the butler's long strides and brisk pace, and wondered if she had done something to offend him or if working for the Kunos had simply turned him into an asshole. Probably the latter, she decided.

He led her through a hallway that twisted and turned as if it was constructed by a madman, with other hallways branching off from it at irregular intervals. She almost lost sight of him once as she stopped to stare at a picture of a middle-aged man dressed in samurai armour with a strong resemblance to Tatewaki. When she turned back she barely caught a glimpse of the butler's coattails as he turned down an adjacent hallway. Afterwards, Akane stopped paying attention to her surroundings and kept her eyes fixed on the butler. She had no intention of getting lost in the loonies' den.

Akane had lost count of the number of turns they had made when they finally arrived in an opulent sitting room.

"You may wait here. The young master will join you shortly."

The butler left, again without waiting for a response, and Akane occupied herself by inspecting the room.

A big table, made from dark wood, dominated the room, surrounded by five large leather seats positioned at regular intervals around its circumference. A huge fireplace was built into the wall on her right, with a family portrait hanging above it. The wall opposite the door had big windows in it, and a French door led out into the garden. The wall on the left was covered with hunting trophies.

With nothing to do, Akane decided to take a closer look at the family portrait to pass the time.

The only person in the painting she recognised was Tatewaki, though he was a lot younger. She guessed him to be maybe twelve years old, but he didn't look much different. He was dressed in a hakama and gi and looked just as arrogant as stupid as he did now. To his left stood a pretty girl with raven hair, and behind him were a middle-aged couple.

"Forgive my tardiness, my fierce tigress, but I wanted to look my best when I welcomed you into my humble home."

Akane turned from the portrait and sucked in a sharp breath, inhaling a strong spicy scent that made her a bit light-headed.

Kuno was standing in the doorway, looking at her with a charming smile. He wore a tailored suit that fit him perfectly, its neat cut emphasising his lean muscular build. His hair was slicked back, revealing his aristocratic features and rich brown eyes.

She had forgotten just how handsome a man Tatewaki Kuno was.

Akane suddenly felt like a lowly peasant girl dressed in only her school uniform.

"I see you are overwhelmed by my magnificence." Kuno crossed the room with long strides, almost gliding across the floor, and picked up her hand. The spicy scent was stronger now, and Akane was suddenly feeling light-headed. "You look beautiful," he said. Gazing into her eyes, he lifted her hand and pressed his lips to it in a warm caress that sent tingles down Akane's spine.

"So do you," Akane mumbled and immediately blushed a bright red. How awkward!

Kuno smirked, dropping her hand. "Why don't you have a seat?"

Akane did as told, feeling like a clumsy peasant girl unworthy to be in Tatewaki's presence.

Kuno sat down across from her. "Now, why don't you tell me why you're here? Does your visit mean you have broken free of the foul sorcerer's enchantment?" he asked.

Warmth pooled in Akane's lower belly in response to Tatewaki's earnest gaze and hopeful tone. "Uh, yes," she mumbled. Then she shook her head.

Get a grip, Akane! she told herself. Stop acting like a love-sick school girl if you don't want him to lose interest in you! He likes his girls feisty, remember? So be feisty!

Akane froze. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't like the creep! But he smells so good...

Akane's eyes went wide. That was it! His strange cologne was messing with her head!

She sprang up, almost sprinting across the room in her haste to open to the windows. The fresh air cleared her head, and Akane sucked it in like a drowning man who had broken the surface.

"Is something wrong, my beautiful flower?"

Akane turned around, yelping in surprise as she found herself face to chest with Kuno. This close, his cologne was almost overpowering again, and she could feel herself getting light-headed once more.

She quickly pushed past him. "Of course not! What should be wrong?" She opened the balcony door. "But it's such a lovely day. I just wanted to spend it outside!" she said as she ran outside.

Kuno followed her, sticking so close to her she had jog backwards to keep him out of her personal space. "You are right," he told her, his eyes boring into hers. "This day is much too lovely to spend it inside a stuffy old room."

Akane looked over her shoulder, changing direction so they were heading towards the gate. "What's this cologne you're wearing?" she asked. "It's smells really nice."

Kuno smiled, pleased by her compliment. "It is something I asked my wicked sister to manufacture for me."

"Your sister?"

"Yes, Kodachi," he said, grimacing as he said her name. "She is a creature most foul, whose wickedness almost matches the foul sorcerer's. But she does have her talents." Then he suddenly lunged forward, his arms spread as if to embrace her, and Akane barely managed to dodge. Kuno stopped, shooting her a questioning look. "What iss wrong, my love? You said you had broken Saotome's enslavement. Why are you rejecting my loving embrace?"

Akane winced. Right. That's why she had come here. For a moment she hesitated, not sure if she should go through with her plan. Was it really worth it, fuelling Kuno's delusions, just to make Ranma jealous enough that he'd finally sleep with her?

Yes, Akane decided. It was worth it. Ranma was hers. Not Kasumi's. Not Nabiki's. Once he had slept with her, Ranma would realise that she was the perfect match for him and forget all about her sisters.

Taking a deep breath, Akane steeled her resolve and launched into her act.

"Oh, Tatewaki!" she said passionately, squeezing out a few tears as she made her lips quiver. "I came here to ask for your assistance! Help me, Tatewaki Kuno, you're my only hope!"

Kuno made a grab for her hand, but Akane snatched it back, turning her back to him. "I will do anything, my love!" Kuno said, undeterred by her repeated rejection. "Just tell me what to do!"

"I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend tomorrow at school and challenge Ranma to a fight!"

"Yes!" Kuno cried, lunging at her. Akane neatly sidestepped it. "Let's go to my bedroom where I will demonstrate my love for you right now!"

"NO!" Akane whirled around. "No," she repeated more calmly. "We must wait until tomorrow. I have learned that tomorrow the planets will be aligned in such a way as to weaken his magic. And when he sees me in your arms his power will be weakened even further, and you will finally be able to defeat him. But only tomorrow will it work! If I were to give in to my feelings before you have defeated him, a terrible fate would befall me!"

Akane bit her lip, hoping the idiot would buy her stupid story.

"I see," Kuno said, in a strange quiet voice. "Oh! How the heavens must weep at this injustice!" he went on, back to being his usual stupid, blustering self. "To have you finally here, proclaiming your undying love for me, only to be prevented from acting on that love by the foul sorcerer's evil magicks!"

What? Akane thought. When the hell did I proclaim my undying love to you, you moron?

"Fear not, my love! Though 'tis hard, I will restrain myself for today, so we may finally break Saotome's evil hold tomorrow and consummate our feelings!"

Akane grimaced. Great, she thought. Maybe I shouldn't have fuelled his delusions after all. Better get out of here. "Thank you, Tatewaki!" she cried. "But I must go now! The longer I am away, the greater the risk that Ranma will discover our plans. See you tomorrow!"

Akane turned and sprinted across the lawn. She didn't wait for the front gates to open, she simply jumped over them in a huge, adrenaline-fuelled leap. Once outside, she took a few moments to gather her breath.

Well, she thought as she started her walk home, I hope I'm not going to regret this.

The Tendos ate pork for dinner that night, though the atmosphere during the meal was strained to the point that even Genma noticed it.

He was usually not given to paying attention to his surroundings when there was delicious food to be eaten, but tensions were running so high that evening that Genma couldn't help but notice them.

Dinner was normally a pretty boisterous affair, with the children chatting about their days, punctuated by jokes and snide comments, and the occasional comment thrown in by Genma or his old buddy Tendo.

Not so tonight.

Soun was still in a funk, acting just as strangely as he'd had the whole day, ever since Kasumi had come home during their game. He'd tried to forego dinner altogether, saying he wasn't hungry, but Kasumi had simply shot him a look and he'd dug in with a gusto to rival Genma at his most hungry.

Ranma was alternating between brooding and cackling as he mumbled, "Soon... Soon..." to himself, so lost in his own world that Genma could steal half his food without being challenged. It kind of took the fun out of it, not that Genma let that stop him.

Akane and Nabiki were lost in thought in as well, communicating only with grunts or monosyllabic words.

The only one who seemed to be in a good mood was Kasumi. She was humming to herself and smiling widely all throughout dinner.

Once the food had been consumed, they all quickly excused themselves as Kasumi cleared the table, and Genma decided to turn in as well.

Hopefully, things would be back to normal tomorrow.

Ranma shifted in his sleep, trying to get rid of that strange stinging sensation in his lower back. When that didn't help he started swatting at it like a drunken boxer trying to shoo away a fly.

As the fog of sleep slowly lifted itself from his mind, Ranma realised that something was poking him. Something hard and pointy. Needless to say, it was a very unpleasant sensation. And it had woken him up just as he was about eat some ice-cream off Kasumi's chest.

"Mmm, go away," Ranma mumbled, still half asleep. Wasn't it possible to get one full night's sleep here? "I'm not having sex with you again. I don't want your sister to get even more jealous."

His answer was a dry raspy chuckle. "My my, Ranma, it seems like you've been having fun here."

"Gah!" Ranma jumped three feet in the air. "Old ghoul!" he exclaimed, suddenly wide awake, staring wide-eyed at the tiny and very wrinkled woman that stood beside his futon.

WHACK!

His remark earned him a smack to the head from Cologne's gnarled staff. "What have I told you about respecting your elders, boy?"

"I'd be respecting you a lot more if you didn't wake me up in the middle of the night!" Ranma said as he rubbed the lump growing on his head. "The sun's not even started to rise!"

"Oh, stop your whining! You're young, a few hours of missed sleep won't hurt you."

"A few hours my ass! It's three in the morning!" Ranma argued. "And besides, I'm a growing boy. I need my sleep."

"That's true," Cologne said with a chuckle, "but this won't take long. And although your offer of a roll in the hay sounds tempting, I'm afraid I'll have to decline. There's something important I want to talk to you about."

"Well, that's a relief." Ranma sighed. "You're old enough for your pussy to be haunted."

WHACK!

"Ow! Stop hitting me!" Rubbing the lump growing on his head, he shot Cologne a glare.

"I'll stop hitting you when you start showing some respect!" Cologne snapped. Then she added in a smug tone, "And I'll have you know that certain parts of my body got regular and strenuous workouts until about five years ago!"

"Eww!" Ranma's body couldn't make up its mind whether it wanted to gag or shiver in revulsion. In the end it did both. "That's just ... eww!"

"Hmpf." Cologne tossed her head. "Serves you right."

"What are you doing here anyway?" Ranma asked once he had gotten over his revulsion. "Did you get bored spooking little children in your village and decided you'd pay your star-pupil a visit?"

WHACK!

"Ow! Will you cut that out already?"

"No. I think it's the only way you'll learn. You're like a dog in that respect," Cologne said. "And I'm here because my great-granddaughter is coming here."

Ranma groaned. "Oh great. What does she want?"

Cologne chuckled. "I think she said something about regaining her honour by finally beating the irritating outsider that humiliated her in front of the whole village, though I could be wrong. I stop paying attention to her when she starts ranting about you."

"Oh man, that's just what I need." Blowing out a breath, Ranma let his head fall back on his pillow. "First Ryoga shows up, declaring his love for me, and now I have a crazy Amazon after my head." He raised his head a bit and let it fall back against his pillow with a thunk.

"However," Cologne said, talking as if Ranma hadn't said anything, "I think she's here because she has a crush on you."

Ranma froze. He slowly turned his head to cast a baleful glare at the Amazon elder. "Tell me you're joking."

"I wouldn't joke about something as serious as young love!" Cologne said, seeming indignant. "Young love is as beautiful as a spring sunrise and as pure as the winter's first freshly fallen snow!" she went on, her voice full of passion. "It's not something you joke about!"

"Riiiiight," Ranma said, rolling his eyes. "Though that would explain the package with the instant pig curses I got from you."

Cologne frowned. "I didn't send you any package."

"Yeah, that's what I figured. Well, at first I thought it was you, but when I thought about it, I realised it just wasn't your style. You're not as sneaky when you play pranks. You wouldn't put pig curse powder into packages labelled Spring of drowned Boy, you'd just splash somebody with some instant curse water while you cackle like a dried-up old hyena who'd gone mad."

WHACK!

"Ow! Cut it out already!"

Cologne pulled her staff back. "Pig curse powder in packages labelled Spring of drowned Boy? Hah!" She laughed. "That's good. And I agree, it's something Shampoo would do." After chuckling for a bit she cast a look outside. "Well, I guess I should go now, let you catch some more sleep. I just wanted to give you a little heads up."

"Oh, okay," Ranma said, disappointed. "It was nice talking to you."

"Same here," Cologne said. She jumped on the window sill and turned around. "Good bye, Ranma, until we meet again!" Then she was gone.

Ranma stared at the window for a few moments longer. "Good bye."

He lay down, rolling on his back to stare at the ceiling. "Shampoo, eh? That could interfere with my plans. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to kick her ass again," he mumbled as he closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.