Chapter 29. Awesome Never Sleeps

Some of you may be wondering what I've been up to lately. I can't tell you that, because I am a secret ninja and secret ninjas never reveal their ninja secrets. I can tell you what I haven't been doing, though. Sleeping! Let me tell you a little bit about this thing called sleeping. Sleeping is for stupid people. Only idiots sleep. Only people who do not sleep aren't idiots. Do you understand what I'm saying? I understand. Because I am not a stupid ninja. However I am a secret one.

My boss falls asleep for weeks at a time. And you know what? He is dumb. He's always like falling off of cliffs and getting kidnapped by fascist dictators and crap. Who wants that? I never get kidnapped. That's cause I'm never caught off guard. Sometimes I just let him get kidnapped, because you have to learn somehow. Maybe when that moron stops falling asleep at night then he'll learn to not get kidnapped in broad daylight.

So how do you not sleep? Well, when it gets dark, and people are going to bed, don't do that. If someone says it's bedtime, you should just smack them in the mouth instead. There is NO bedtime. Bedtimes are for losers. If you feel tempted by your bed, set that bastard on fire. Try to do it when no one is in it, but you can't possibly be expected to keep track of everything. Just don't sleep, ever.

Well then Ninja McSmarty Pants, I hear you saying, what do we do when all the other idiots in the world are sleeping? Well, I can give you some ideas. One way to pass the time is to stand around with other ninjas looking at a map of something. It doesn't matter what the map is of, you're not really reading it. You're just glancing down at it and pointing in random locations and nodding your head. Important things get done this way. If you're really cool, you'll get little model ships and horses and soldiers and move them around the map while making whooshing noises.

Another thing you can do is stand around outside in the dark. However, you should only do this if it is raining. This is very important. What the hell is the point of standing around if you aren't in the rain?

If it isn't raining, and you don't have a giant map, or your friends don't want to stare at a giant map with you because they somehow think that it's a waste of time (because they're IDIOTS), you'll have to fall back on leaning against the wall. Yeah, just find a good wall to lean against. Just find a quiet, dark office, comfortably set your back against the wall, fold your arms... thing about all of the awesome things you did that day, all the awesome things you're gonna do the next day, all the awesome things you could be doing right now but you're too cool to do them right now because you're leaning against a wall in the dark listening to the butterflies chirping and the thudding of Godzilla as it burstsszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz