Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.
Things Russia isn't allowed to do:
1. I'm not allowed to say that the Baltics are my "Dream Girls"
-They are not girls.
-I'll scare them half to death.
2. I'm not allowed to send General Winter after Prussia.
3. I'm not allowed to bomb America with nuclear weapons.
-Even if I claim that the Easter bunny told me to.
4. I'm not allowed to send America any of my Siberian wolfs disguised as a fluffy toy.
-I shouldn't endanger the life of fellow nations.
-...for now.
5. I'm not allowed to wage war in the Middle East.
-...but I will anyway.
6. I'm not allowed to make Poland cross dress.
-He already does that.
7. I'm not allowed to bully any of the African countries.
-They are cute little kiddies and I should be their new big brother figure instead...KOLKOLKOLKOL.
8. I'm not allowed to give Sealand any weapons of mass distraction.
-The kid will probably use them against his brother.
9. I'm not allowed to maim, scare or emotionally hurt Belarus.
-...isn't it suppose to be the other way around?
10. I'm not allowed to help Hungary in beating up Prussia.
11. I'm not allowed to start declaring random peaces of land my own.
12. I'm not allowed to eat sugar.
-...I don't get it; I'm allowed to drink vodka and not allowed to eat sugar?
13. I'm not allowed to start wars with the Nordics.
14. I'm not allowed to spend more than two hours around Denmark.
-I'm a bad influence and may turn him into a sadist.
-He is a pervert and that is enough.
15. I'm not allowed to force anyone into becoming my friend.
-Even if I promise to hug and take care of them everyday.
-Friends are not pets and I should remember that.
16. I'm not allowed to make another USSR.
-Even if this time around I promise not to harm the members and give them an unlimited supply of candy.
17. I'm not allowed to break Busby's chair.
-England is using it for the noble cause of killing America and I should not stand in his way.
18. I'm not allowed to send the nations I don't like to Siberia.
-Because Siberia is a prison reserved for politicians.
19. I'm not allowed to say anything at all about the burning of Moscow and what happened after that in front of France.
-He is still depressed about it.
-...but I still say he had it coming.
20. I'm not allowed to stalk China.
-Even if no one knows it's me.
21. I'm not allowed to threaten anyone's vital regions with castration.
-That's a horrible thing to do.
22. I'm not allowed to sing creepy songs in creepy places.
- Especially if it's the "Jaws" team song.
-Especially if there is a nation nearby.
-If said nation is Belarus it will backfire...divine punishment sucks.
23. I'm not allowed to try to take Finland's vital regions.
-It didn't work the first time why should I try again?
-For such a cute guy he is very, how should I put it, Belarus-like.
24. I'm not allowed to say that the Cold War is still on.
-America may actually believe me.
25. I'm not allowed to say I'm from Mars just to claim it.
-Because I'm not.
-The Balkans had known my parents and will immediately disagree.
-...How old are they?
26. I'm not allowed to build a wall between the Middle East and the rest of the civilization.
-The countries there will kill each other out.
27. I'm not allowed to call Bulgaria a dinosaur.
-He holds some of my baby pictures hostage and will show them to the world if I do.
-Besides we are friends...I think?
28. I'm not allowed to call Netherlands a drug dealer.
-Its mean.
-I will be called an alcoholic.
29. I'm not allowed to chain Alfred and then throw him in a lake.
-It won't kill him anyway.
30. I'm not allowed to stalk England.
-But he is so cute.
-I'm still not allowed to do it.
31. I'm not allowed to claim every nation that has sunflowers.
32. I'm not allowed to say that I rule Hell.
-Because everyone will believe.
-Causing anyone to have nightmares is a bad thing to do...but entertaining, da?
33. I'm not allowed to plan anyone's death more than three times.
-But my lawyers are searching for a loophole for this rule so don't feel too save.
34. I'm not allowed to say that I am anyone's father.
-...I seriously don't want to know what the Balkan nations have to say for that statement.
35. I'm not allowed to give Sweden heart attacks by calling him papa.
36. I'm not allowed to watch a horror movie with America.
37. I'm not allowed to play Russian roulette with Alfred anymore.
-Or say why I'm not allowed to do so.
38. I'm not allowed to say that in Soviet Russia your maker is send to meet you.
-The other nations will wait for the Big Boss with lists of the things that they don't like about the planet.
-That will cause chaos.
-Chaos is a bad thing.
39. I'm not allowed to give anyone vodka.
-I don't want to anyway.
-Go near my precious vodka and I will kill you!
40. I'm not allowed to say that the other Slavs were born to be my friends.
-See rule 15 for the reason.
41. I'm not allowed say that I'm God.
-I'll be hit by a lightning, fallowed by a meteor rain and tornadoes and finally there will be a tsunami.
42. I'm not allowed to tell my scientists to make me a tornado producing machine.
- The Big Boss won't be happy.
43. I'm not allowed to claim that since I'm Orthodox I can do whatever I want.
-Or try to convert Catholics to Orthodox by saying that we have shiny churches.
44. I'm not allowed to speak about religion outside my territories.
45. I'm not allowed to call America's former president a monkey.
-He will call my former one a dictator.
-It will start a war.
46. I'm not allowed to start anymore wars.
-...And who is going to stop me, you?
47. I'm not allowed to lock Belarus and America in the same room.
-That's cruel.
48. I'm not allowed to say that the Baltics are my maids.
-That's not true.
-It will hurt their feelings.
49. I'm not allowed to maim the nations who hurt the Baltic's feelings.
-I'll just wait for everyone to leave the meeting room and then I will have a nice little chat with the offenders in a truly peaceful manner.
50. I'm not allowed to tell two call jokes in an attempt to explain to Alfred how his former government worked.
-He won't understand me anyway.
-If he does understand it he will declare war.