Chapter 5: Act

Lorne went back to the infirmary, even knowing that's where Jennifer would have gone too. His chest felt tight with some kind of nameless pain that he knew had more to do with his mental state than any kind of physical condition. The anger was bubbling away in his background too - if he didn't do something with it soon he'd pop - something or someone - and he'd done enough damage for one week. But he had to check on Coughlin first - wouldn't be able to get any kind of calm until he'd seen for himself that they wouldn't be paying the highest of prices for taking those risks he'd mentioned to Jennifer.

"Boss," Coughlin was already out of recovery and into one of the proper hospital style beds. He grinned when Lorne walked in, at the way he ran a quick check to make sure Nate looked all right, and at the barely discernable way he relaxed when he realised it was true. That's what made Lorne a great team leader ... and a troubled man. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

"You're the one the Wraith used for ball practice," Lorne retorted, deflecting the question. "How are you feeling?"

"A bit loopy," Nate admitted.

"The good stuff?" Reed asked.

"Oh yeah," Nate smiled a little dreamily, getting chuckles from everyone but Evan. After the scene with Jennifer he just wasn't in the mood to be amused by anything.

Catching sight of her coming out of her office, Evan tensed. "Listen, I'll catch up with you later," he told Coughlin. "Just do what they tell you so you can get out of here quickly - we need you back on the team."

"Yes Sir," Coughlin straightened instinctively and then let out a weak moan. Lorne put a hand on his arm and then turned to leave. "Major," Nate called him back. "Thank you Sir ... for saving my life."

"Name your first kid after me and we'll call it even," Lorne joked.

Sensing that Jennifer was watching them he beat a hasty exit ... once outside the infirmary though he didn't know what to do with himself. He wasn't on duty, the mission debrief wasn't until the following day and the last thing he wanted was to write his report. He needed a little distance before he could do that without spilling out a shit load of anger that would have Colonel Carter busting him back to Earth.

It was all burning up inside of him ... anger at himself for letting them ... her ... get too close. Everyone always said a problem shared was a problem halved but they never pointed out that a problem could be magnified the more people you had contributing to it.

The urge to smash his fist into the wall returned with force - since he couldn't do that he turned and headed for the gym.

"I think you've got that thing beat," Sheppard stood inside the doorway of the gym with his arms folded over his chest, his posture suggesting he'd been there a while.

Lorne didn't alter his rhythm, just kept alternating his fists pounding into the heavy leather bag. Sweat was dripping off his face and his breathing whooshed out harshly every time he hit the bag.

"Take a break Major," John said more firmly when his first comment got no response.

"I'd prefer not to Sir," Lorne replied, his next punch more forceful that the previous ones.

"I could make it an order," Sheppard suggested, walking further into the room.

Evan gave the bag one last punch and then caught it when it made the trip back to him. Grabbing his towel he wiped his face and then draped it over his shoulders, his shoulders rising and falling in time with his breathing.

"Here," John threw him a bottle of water he instinctively caught. "You wanna tell me what this is in aid of?" John asked, watching as Lorne drank half the bottle down without pausing.

"Not particularly," Lorne muttered, putting the lid back on the bottle and tossing it onto the bench. He respected Sheppard ... more than that, he genuinely liked him. That wasn't something he could say of all the CO's he'd had in the past. He knew John was worried about him - he just didn't have it in him to reassure the Colonel.

"You wanna tell someone else instead?" Sheppard persisted. "Because you know I can't let you keep this up - you let Keller see those hands and she'd gonna have your ass in Kate's office before you can say boo."

Evan flinched at the mention of Jennifer's name even as he looked down at his hands, noticing for the first time that he'd punched the bag so hard he'd split the skin across his knuckles in places. They were red, bruised, bleeding ... they didn't look like his hands. How had he not noticed that? Dropping down on the bench Lorne stared at the floor, his mind racing, before he looked up at his CO again.

"Doesn't it make you angry Sir?" the situation forced him into trying to articulate his concerns.

"Doesn't what make me angry?" John sat down across from Evan, his question not making it easy for Lorne. Maybe he knew what had Evan beating the crap out of a punching bag but it wouldn't do the other man any good to just agree.

"This!" Evan gestured vaguely. "Sending guys out who just don't come back! Replacing them before anyone can blink. Shake it all up a little and then do the whole damn thing again ... over and over."

"Of course it makes me angry," John replied. "You think I haven't been in here myself, taking it out on that bag? I have - more times than I care to count. But you know what Evan? I'd be worried if it didn't make me angry ... it's that anger that drives me to keep going out there. But this isn't just about the anger, is it?"

"I guess not," Lorne sighed, "not entirely."

"You have to have an outlet," John said quietly. "Not just for this - for the anger - that's the easy one. It's all the other baggage you end up carrying around. You find an outlet for that or you let it bury you."

"What do you do?" Evan glanced at Sheppard curiously.

"Talk to Teyla mostly, let her kick my ass sparring," John said with a chuckle. "And you know ... I write the letters every time we lose someone. You want to do that well you have to contemplate the grief - your own and what the families will go through when they read it."

"I don't ... I can't talk to anyone about this," Evan shook his head, frowning as he thought about where he'd even start.

"Yes you can," Sheppard insisted. "What about Jennifer? You said it yourself - you guys are friends. And you know she'd understand better than most."

"No," Evan got up abruptly, returning to his position at the punching bag. He grabbed it, leaned his weight against it for a moment, and then send it flying away. When it came back he punched it hard, repeating the process over and over again. "Are we done here Sir?" he asked with pausing.

"For now," John watched his 2IC for a moment and then shook his head. If he couldn't get through to Lorne then he'd have to go a different route.

"What did you do to Lorne?" John stopped in Jennifer's office door, his arms folded over his chest.

"Me?" Jennifer asked incredulously. "He was the one who pushed me away Colonel!"

"And I told you not to let him do that," John shot back impatiently. "What? He gave one little push and you ran cowering back to your safe haven?" he nodded around the room. "Now he'd beating the crap out of punching bag and you're up here hiding."

"I'm not hiding," Jennifer said defensively, suddenly feeling uncertain. Evan had wanted her to leave him alone, hadn't he? Oh God, had she done the wrong thing and left him just when he needed her friendship the most. "Why do you care whether Evan and I get together or not?" she demanded.

"I don't!" John retorted. "Lorne's job doesn't require him to keep tabs on everyone but he does it anyway - he knows who's worried about what, who's not doing well at handling things, who needs a trip back to Earth - and he takes care of it in that unassuming way of his. And he does it very well - so well that you don't notice how it weighs him down. Keeping tabs on him is my job ... and since Carson Evan's the one who hasn't been doing that well. What happened today with Coughlin hasn't helped. I was hoping that having you around to bring him out of himself would help ... because the last thing I want is to have to find another 2IC."

"You think he'd leave?" Jennifer felt frozen, the idea of Atlantis without Evan Lorne in it was just ... wrong.

"Not willingly," John said evasively. There was a host of meaning there that didn't need to be articulated - officers burned out, saw too much, reached maximum entropy. If John was worried, if he was stepping past his own reticence in talking about personal stuff to talk to her about Lorne then it meant Evan was a lot closer to that than she wanted to contemplate.

"I'll go talk to him," Jennifer got up abruptly, hurrying past the Colonel.

"He's in the officers gym," John offered. "Less traffic."

"Right," nodding, Jennifer hurried away.

When she got there Evan was exactly as John had described him. His face was red, sweat glistening over his skin and through his hair. He punched the bag with a single minded focus that would have been seriously arousing but for the grim situation. And then he shifted and she saw that sweat wasn't the only thing that dampened the back of his shirt.

Striding across the room she grabbed his fist before he could punch the bag again, grunting as she stumbled back in an effort to hold on.

"Stop!" she demanded, pushing back with all her strength.

"No," he said, pulling back. She didn't let go and ended up stumbling again, her shoulder landing against his chest. He was giving off enough heat to burn a flush across her skin - that and an earthy masculine scent that had her stomach fluttering. "Let go," he told her quietly.

"No," she returned determinedly, getting right up into his space. "You're bleeding because you've ripped your stitches with this stupid macho display! And as the CMO I have the authority to tell you that enough is enough!"

Evan didn't want to step back - that would be a retreat that would lend power to her point of view. But he couldn't stand so close and not react - to her energy, her beauty, that innocence she'd somehow retained. So he turned away, grabbing his water and a towel and moving to the bench.

"Can I do something for you Doc?" he asked, reverting to using her title deliberately.

"You can stop being an ass," she retorted.

"Right," he laughed in spite of his mood ... she'd had the ability to do that since they'd started to talk and he wasn't sure he liked it. "Anything else?"

Jennifer didn't answer immediately. Instead she went to him, dropping to her knees in front of him so that their eyes were level. Shifting closer she put her hands over his clenched fists and held on tight. "Yes ... you can let me in," she said gently.

His eyes shot to hers. They looked at each other, the seconds ticking by, before he looked away.

"I really can't," he ground out, swallowing back a wave of emotion. God, what was she trying to do to him? Break him into so many pieces he'd never find himself again?

"Yes you can," Jennifer insisted. Putting her hands on either side of his head she brought his eyes back to hers. "I'm sorry I let you go before ... you pushed me away but I shouldn't have let you."

"Don't do this Jennifer," he said quietly. His eyes looked impossibly blue this close up. They were so expressive ... she could see the emotion, like seas stirring in a storm.

"Don't do what?" Jennifer held on determinedly. "Don't be your friend? Don't care about you? You might think you can control everything but you can't control that. It's already too late. I am your friend and I do care about you. Whether you speak to me again or not, that's never going to change."

"I don't want this," Evan pulled away, getting up and putting distance between them. He went to his gear, pulling off his sweat and blood soaked shirt and replacing it with a fresh one ... all as though Jennifer wasn't even in the room.

"God, you're so stubborn!" she practically shouted. "You want me to humiliate myself - lay it all on the line for you? Fine!" Striding over she forced him to retreat, his back hitting the wall with a dull thud. Maybe she felt a little guilty at the way he winced - maybe she should have fixed his stitches again before tackling him but it wasn't life threatening and he'd brought it on himself with his stubborn pride. So instead of caring about hurting him physically, she concentrated on his emotional hurts. If he wouldn't listen to her words then she'd make him listen in another way. Grabbing his shoulders she jumped him, holding on tight as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He staggered a little but he caught her and she took that as a good sign.

"What are you -?" he didn't get any further before her lips were on his and she was kissing him like she never wanted to do anything else.

He froze for a moment but then his heart finally took over from his head. Threading a hand through her hair his kissed her back, turning so that she was the one pressed into the wall. She kept her arms and legs around him though, like she was afraid that if she didn't hold on with everything she had he'd leave her. He had the presence of mind to think the door closed and locked but that was it - she'd tapped into the maelstrom of emotion he'd been struggling with for weeks and he couldn't seem to find the propriety and control that was usually central to everything he believed in.

They were both breathless, his hands splayed on her bare back under her shirt before reality reasserted itself. Tearing his lips from hers he buried his head against her shoulder, sending shivers along with heated breath down her neck.

"We're not doing this," he murmured.

"Yes we are," Jennifer insisted stubbornly, rearing back so that she could look at him. "Unless you're trying to tell me you don't want me." She shifted her body a little lower, resting that female part of herself over his masculinity - oh yeah, he definitely wanted her. "Good luck making that one stick," she gave him a feline smile of satisfaction.

"I didn't say that," Lorne shot back. "I just ... you're really ready for this? Now .... here? Because I don't think I am ... not by a long shot."

"God," Jennifer dropped her head to his chest, hiding her blush. "Part of me really wants to say yes to that even though the rest knows it's too soon. But you're right ... we should talk," she added, dropping her legs so that he had no choice but to lower her back to the ground.

"Do we have to?" Evan muttered, regretting his moment of chivalry.

"Yes we do, and you know it," Jennifer took his hand and pulled him back to the bench, urging him to sit down. Wordlessly she went and got the gyms medical kit – taking care of his back as best she could with the limited supplies, neither of them saying a word. And then she sat on his lap, arranging herself so that she could rest her head against his chest, covering him with her heat like a blanket. She wanted him to feel like someone was on his side and that seemed like the easiest way to make it clear to him. "Okay ... spill."

"Just like that huh?" Evan shifted a little, resettling her and wrapping his arms around her middle. Leaning his head down to rest his chin on hers he sighed.

"Start anywhere," she invited, resting her weight against him.

And so he did, telling her random things about Carson that had them both laughing ... and crying, although he'd swear later that Major's never cried. He talked about Elizabeth too - how he'd had a stronger relationship with her than any other leader he'd served under because she wasn't military, didn't have that stoic edge that meant she couldn't care so openly about her people, and because of all the times team Sheppard had gotten into trouble and he'd had to step in - to reassure, support and ultimately go and rescue them. And he talked about his team - the things that worried him the most. Reed's hero worship and his fear that he was turning the younger man into someone too reckless to look out for his own welfare. And Parish, who never watched where he was going, rushing forward into potential danger no matter how many times Evan told him not too. When Jennifer suggested Evan might want to consider a leash he'd laughed, genuinely, and realised all of a sudden that he felt lighter.

"And Nate?" Jennifer asked gently.

"Ah yes, Nate," Evan smiled. "Dependable ... smart ... selfless. I don't usually worry about him."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Jennifer commented.

"What, you mean me?" Evan frowned, considering that. "Nah, he's a lot more ... centred than I am."

"Why do you think that?" Jennifer asked curiously.

"He'd got a large family," Evan suggested. "Gets lots of letters and emails – gives him something to look forward to."

"You don't have family?"

"I do – my Mom, one sister," Evan grinned suddenly, "plus a pain in the ass brother-in-law and two nephews."

"How old are they?" Jennifer asked.

"Ah – Jon's almost five, and Matt's going on for three," Lorne explained.

"Sounds nice," Jennifer said softly. She stopped for a moment and then asked hesitantly. "But they don't give you something to look forward to like for Sergeant Coughlin?"

"Not exactly. He's got a girl back home too," Evan offered that up reluctantly, knowing he was giving her ammunition for the part of their discussion he'd avoided so far. "Said after today he's gonna name his first kid after me."

"Because you saved his life," Jennifer smiled. "There should be a whole host of baby Evan's across the galaxy then."

"No way," Evan countered. "More like a bunch of John's and Rodney's ... with a few Teyla's and Ronon's thrown in for good measure."

"Maybe, but I like the idea of those little Evan's best," she said, resting her head against his chest again. She was content ... sitting there on his lap, listening to his heart beat. Because he wasn't as tense ... because she knew somehow she'd helped in releasing some of that ball of emotion that had taken hold of him.

He hugged her closer, letting out another sigh. "You know this scares the crap out of me, right?"

"I know," Jennifer said softly. "You're so afraid of losing something that you can't see how much strength it could give you if you'd just reach out and take it. You understand it when it applies to other people, but not for yourself."

"Not 'something' Jennifer ... you," Evan corrected. "I don't want to care this much about you because ...," he swallowed and she felt the shudder down to her soul. "I know - we barely know each other right? But at the same time I feel like I've known you forever."

"I know you," Jennifer put her hands over his forearms, feeling his strength in how securely he held her. "Maybe we didn't talk but I always knew you were there," she smiled, "and people talk ... often about our very impressive military second in command. It didn't take me long to see why that was."

"Really?" Evan seemed genuinely surprised by that, which only made her love him more. God, did she just think that ... love? Was it possible to love someone you'd known of for years but really only known personally for a week? It must be because that was what she was feeling. Maybe she wasn't ready to tell him but she was more than ready to show him somehow ... if he'd let her.

"Yes, really," she stroked his arm lightly. "I know I don't have the right to ask but I'm going to anyway. Can you ignore the fear thing and just let me be there for you? It doesn't have to be anything in particular, you know. We can just be two people who care enough about each other to want to look after each other ... like we just were."

Evan was quiet for a moment and she began to worry that maybe she'd said the wrong thing again.

"No," he finally spoke, tightening his grip when she made to move away. "Hold on Doctor Impatience," he told her with a chuckle. "I don't want this to be some casual, unnamed thing. If we're doing this then we're doing it right."

"And what does that mean precisely?" Jennifer swivelled in his lap until she could face him, wrapping her legs around him again.

"Ah," he got distracted for a moment as she smoothed her hands down his chest. "Maybe you should stop doing what you're doing before I end up doing something we'll both regret."

"Oh, I don't think so," Jennifer leaned closer and whispered close to his ear. "I can't think of too many things I'd regret doing with you Evan."

"Right," Evan gulped, blinked and then regrouped. "Doing it right means we're a couple ... a romantic couple ..."

She nodded, kissing his jaw lightly.

"... ah ... exclusive ...," he shuddered when she ran her hands through his hair, kissing just shy of his lips.

"Is that all?" Jennifer asked softly.

"God, I don't know," Evan grabbed her head and stilled her movements. "How can I think when you're doing that?"

"Who said I wanted you to think?" Jennifer smiled, looking at him expectantly.

"Hell," Evan pulled her to him, claimed her lips in a kiss that skipped slow and steady build up and went straight to hot passion. "Okay, enough," he said, breaking away moments later. He stood, lifting Jennifer with him and setting her gently back on her feet and a safe distance away from him. "How about we start with a first date ... see how it goes?"

"I'd like that," Jennifer said simply.

"Okay, then that's what we'll do," Evan returned. He crocked an elbow and smiled when she took it. Escorting her from the gym and back to 'civilisation' Lorne knew everything wasn't fixed just because he'd had one conversation with Jennifer. It wasn't fixed - but he felt like talking about it for the first time in months. And that had to be a good start, right?

The End

Authors Note:

Ditto on what I said last chapter ... plus forgive errors I've made because again I haven't edited as much as usual, just wanted to get this over with and done. If you didn't like it that's okay (can't please everyone all the time after all) ... if you did then I'm happy it wasn't a total disaster. Thanks for reading.