A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES
Have fun!
Ahh, the glorious cobblestone roads we have all come to associate with 19th century England! And what's that we hear? HORSIES. NNNNEEEIGH, WHINNY! A dark carriage rumbles along the eerie street. It's ominous. Because this is England. In the 19th century. At night. Everything is eerie.
But what's inside the carriage? JUSTICE, THAT'S WHAT. It's Inspector Lestrade and our favorite doctor in the world!
DOCTAH HOWSE!? No, it's John Watson. Durr. JUDE LAW, HUBBA HUBBA.
Lestrade and Watson fiddle with their weapons and exchange intense looks. We're about to leap straight into the action of a case, it seems!
What's this? Somebody is sprinting down various alleyways! Why? I mean, the police have got plenty of carriages and space, why is this person going on foot?
Oh, it's Sherlock Holmes! That Holmes, so quirky. Running around when he could be catching a ride, but Holmes doesn't roll like that, yo. He seems to be headed for the same destination as Watson and Lestrade, though, as he skitters along wherever and jumps down off of something and rolls like a badass. Hello, Robert Downey Jr.! Sexy as always!
Holmes busts in the door of some building and quietly makes his way down some stairs. He peeks around a corner and sees a dude with a lantern guarding the spiral staircase. Brace yourself, guys, for the awesomeness that is Sherlock Holmes.
Holmes: Head cocked to the left...partial deafness in ear. (slams palm over the ear) First point of attack. Two, throat. Paralyze vocal cords. Stop screaming. (hits the guy's throat) Three, got to be a heavy drinker. Floating rib to the liver. (punches him in the gut) Four, finally, dragging left leg. Fist to patella. (punches him in the knee) Summary of prognosis, conscious is 90 seconds. Martial efficacy, quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery...unlikely.
He can fight, guys. Now, let's see...wait, I thought he just beat that guy up?
Holmes leaps from the shadows and OH MY GOD, ALL THAT PREVIOUSLY WAS JUST HIS ANALYSIS OF WHAT HE'S GONNA DO. Now he's actually putting the plan into action! It took twenty seconds for Holmes to analyze the guy and plan his attack...the actual attack? FIVE FUCKIN' SECONDS.
Welcome to Sherlock Holmes, bitches. This is the kind of stuff that happened in the books - Basil Rathbone's Holmes was great, but not the "real" Holmes everyone is so used to. Prim and proper and awesome. Holmes in this movie and the books is messy and crazy and awesome.
So the guy slumps over, and Holmes makes off with his lantern (and the guy's hat, just 'cause, lololol) down the stairs. Down stairs, some girl is wriggling around on a table. Alright, then? There's a creepy-ass lookin' guy in a creepy-ass lookin' robe with a creepy-ass lookin' hood and he's chanting in a creepy-ass soundin' foreign language. He also has a really creepy-ass lookin' snaggletooth.
Everything about him is creepy-ass. This is the villain in our movie. He is Lord Blackwood. But we're calling him Creepy-Ass Blackwood.
Holmes peeks out from the shadows as Creepy-Ass Blackwood does his ritual. He looks around at all the other guys in the room who have creepy robes with hoods because they're in cahoots with Creepy-Ass Blackwood! They're the Creepy-Ass Posse.
As Holmes observes, another guy comes up behind him, but Holmes fends him off, and then HERE COMES WATSON TO HELP! Yay! He puts the guy in a chokehold and Holmes pinches the guy's nose to keep him from making any noise. Holmes and Watson exchange cute banter as they suffocate this guy.
Watson: I like the hat.
Holmes: I just picked it up.
Translation: It was just sooo cute, I had to have it!
Watson: Did you remember your revolver?
Holmes: Knew I forgot something. Thought I'd left the stove on.
Watson: You did.
lol. The guy goes limp, and they drop him once Watson makes sure they haven't killed him. Watson grins at Holmes, who shakes his hand and says, "Always nice to see you, Watson."
Let me just establish a few things here... I ship Holmes/Watson (excuse me while I ignore your sarcastic replies of, "I hadn't a clue!"). You don't have to ship them. I don't mind. You can ship Watson/Gladstone for all I care. But you don't have to be a Holmes/Watson shipper to know this:
70% of this movie is Holmes clinging to Watson's feet wailing "DON'T LEAVE ME FOR THAT WOMAN!" 27% of this movie is Irene being like, "I LIKE YOU BUT I WORK FOR THIS GUY" and Holmes being like, "I'M INTERESTED BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT SO UH..." 3% of this movie is the actual plot.
Just sayin'.
Watson and Holmes look down at the ritual and Holmes asks where Lestrade is. According to Watson, he's getting his troops lined up. Holmes is like "THAT'LL TAKE FOREVERRRR" and they spring into action! Holmes takes out a guy, Watson takes down two AT ONCE. That's one of the things I love most about this movie. It stayed true to Watson's character in the books. Watson is NOT a bumbling fat guy who thinks Holmes is God. He's a WAR VETERAN. He can bit the shit out of just about anybody if he were so inclined. And he knows that Holmes is fucking awesome.
While all this fighting is going on Creepy-Ass Blackwoo just carries on chanting! LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS LALALA one of the Creepy-Ass Posse turns on his heel and disappears into the shadows. The girl on the table who was writhing grabs a dagger. Holmes and Watson continue to fight people. Some guy comes in shooting at Holmes, who dodges it and uses the guy he's fighting as a shield. The guy gets shot, Holmes throws the body at the shooter, knocks the gun out of his hand, he and Watson finish off whoever else they're fighting, yadda yadda yadda.
The girl is busy having a seizure over here, kthx, and for some reason this seizure still leaves her able to pick up the dagger and try to stab herself? Oookay? o.O But it's all cool, because Holmes grabs her just in time and stops her. A spooky wind blows throughout the building and snuffs out all the lights! Oooo! Creepy-Ass Blackwood stops chanting, like, "FREAKIN' A, YOU FUCKED UP MY RITUAL. *sulk*"
Creepy-Ass Blackwood: Sherlock Holmes. And his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor...as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?
Back the fuck up off of Watson, dude. I'll destroy you. Watson is with me. Pissed, he goes, "Let me show you how much I enjoyed it," and charges forward, intent on beating Creepy-Ass Blackwood into a bloody pulp.
Holmes is like EEP! "Watson! Don't!" He surges forward and stops Watson just in time, and tells him, "Observe," - there's a thin, razor-sharp glass needle inches from Watson's face. Ajjsfjfj YOU MEAN WATSON NEARLY GORED HIMSELF IN THE FACE!?!?
Watson is FREAKED. "How did you see that?"
Holmes, ever Holmes, simply says, "Because I was looking for it," and shatters the needle. He pushes Creepy-Ass Blackwood's hood back to let us see his face.
YOU GUYS. HEAR ME OUT. LORD BLACKWOOD LOOKS LIKE MATT LAUER FROM THE TODAY SHOW. No seriously, he does! I e-mailed them and everything to tell them! 8D
Watson is surprised to see that it's Blackwood, but Holmes suggests he pay more attention to Seizure Susie than to this dickhole who looks astonishingly like Matt Lauer. Watson agrees, lowering his gun, but he happily clubs Blackwood across the face before going off to examine Susie. It makes me giggle and makes me wanna bang Watson for being so damn sexy and awesome.
Just then, Lestrade and the other cops come in. LOL JUST IN TIME WE'RE SAVED YAAAY. You suck, Lestrade. But for some reason I never dislike you.
Watson says Susie needs to get to a hospital LIEK RITE NAO GUYZ. The cops carry her off and march Creepy-Ass Blackwood and his Creepy-Ass Posse out of the building. Then Lestrade turns to Holmes so he can bitch at him.
Lestrade: And you were supposed to wait for my orders.
Holmes: If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor.
Ba-ZING. Suck it, Lestrade! You and your ridiculous name - every time I read it, I pronounce it in my head "luh-STRAYD" but it's actually pronounced "luh-STROD." Bah. Holmes goes on to say that he didn't have to do what Lestrade said, anyway, since he was on the case because Susie's parents hired him, not the Yard. Then he says with such an adorable face and voice, "Why they thought you'd require any assistance is beyond me."
Oh, Holmes. You're so delightfully scornful.
TITLE DROP. SHERLOCK HOLMES. DA DA DA DA DA DADAAAA.
Now we're at my favorite place in the world! 221, Baker Street! It's daytime now, and the streets are bustling. Inside the apartment, Watson is meeting with a patient, who is telling him how awesome of a doctor Watson is. Because it's true. Also, there are three figurines of naked guys in front of Watson's window. Just thought I'd point that out. It brings me many lulz.
Patient (whom I will christen Chester McWatson-is-Cool): Tell me something. Your new premises...when are you moving in?
Watson: I should be in within the week.
What!? Watson is moving out!? Noooo! DDD: What about Holmes? Who's gonna help pay rent? Watson, WTF! (I mean I know he'll back soon because like three months after he gets married EVERY TIME, he always ends up spending more time with Holmes than he does at home with his wife. But still. Sad face.)
Watson is getting married. Ah, he's such a stud. He and Chester McWatson-is-Cool are like "lol yay girls" and then BANG BANG BANG, WE HEAR GUNSHOTS! Chester and Watson duck, but nobody seems to be firing at them. Chester is very alarmed, Watson just looks kind of embarrassed.
Chester McWatson-is-Cool: Good God! That was gunfire!
Watson: No! No, no... hammer and nail, wasn't it? My colleague's probably just putting up a painting.
...lol sure, whatever you say.
Chester McWatson-is-Cool: Your colleague...
Watson: Yes?
Chester McWatson-is-Cool: He won't be moving with you, will he?
:D
Watson: No, he won't.
D:
He leaves the room and sees Mrs. Hudson, the housekeeper, who is adorable. I love her so much, I wish she was in more of the movie. She says she refuses to go in Holmes's room by herself while he has a gun in his hand. Aw, the poor lady's terrified, rofl. Watson, ever the gentleman, says she doesn't have to go in at all and takes the paper she was going to give to Holmes.
Mrs. Hudson: What'll I do when you leave, Doctor? He'll have the whole house down!
Watson: He just needs another case, that's all.
Mrs. Hudson: Couldn't you have a longer engagement?
Chin up, Mrs. Hudson! While I agree that I don't want Watson to leave, you've still dealt with Holmes alone before! What about all the years before Watson moved in?
Chester McWatson-is-Cool comes out and says he smells gunpowder. He does not approve of Holmes! Watson is embarrassed again. More gunshots! Everybody jumps! Holmes, you're a nutcase. I love him. Watson shoos Chester downstairs with Mrs. Hudson and says, "Mrs. Hudson? Bring something to cheer him up."
Haha, aww. Bipolar Holmes is bipolar.
Watson daringly enters the lair of Sherlock Holmes, where the creature himself is sitting in the dark with a gun. SUICIDE HOTLINE, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
Watson: (dryly) Permission to enter the armory?
Holmes: (depressed) Granted.
He shoots again, and we see he's been shooting the walls to spell out V.R. LOLOLOL "THE MUSGRAVE RITUAL" I GET IT.
Holmes: Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device that suppresses the sound of a gunshot.
Watson: It's not working.
Watson goes to the window and throws open the curtains. Holmes shrieks in agony as sunlight floods his room. There's smoke and all kinds of shit EVERYWHERE. It looks like my room! Minus the smoke. Holmes moans pathetically and is adorably obedient when Watson asks for the gun. Watson sets it down and goes through some papers and puts out a fire that's started somewhere in the room. He is on a mission to clean Clean up the room, clean up his friend, everything. He's very strict.
Watson: You know, it's been three months since your last case.
Holmes: Yes, yes... Gently, gently, Watson. Be gentle with me--
Watson: (opens the other curtains)
Holmes: AAAAUGH!
God, I love it. Holmes is such a 'tard. Also, it's just lovely to hear him plead "be gentle with me, Watson" because my mind goes to so many dirty places.
Watson thinks it's time Holmes finds another case. We finally see what Holmes looks like after three months of NO CASES (which are not fun times in the books, because he's busy shooting up) and two weeks of sitting in his room in the dark. He looks like shit. Cute shit, but shit. He crawls across the floor, agreeing. "My mind rebels at stagnation! Give me problems. Give me work. The sooner the better."
Watson is totally used to this, which I love. He shoves today's paper in Holmes's face and sits down, letting Holmes lean on his knee to read (hee). The headline says BLACKWOOD HANGS TOMORROW which is always fun to hear. Watson suggests cases from the papers he found on Holmes's desk, but Holmes has already solved them and is uninterested in taking the them. Holmes is like, "...is it November?" and Watson's like, "...yes..." and Holmes is like "O.O" It's cute.
Holmes: Oh. I see you're the attending physician at Blackwood's hanging.
Watson: Yes. It was our last case together, and I wanted to see it through to the end.
*sniffle* Their last case together! Holmes's face is heartrending. He stops reading the paper and just stares ahead, upset. Watson can see he's unhappy and looks a little guilty. Mrs. Hudson knocks on the door and Watson goes back to suggesting cases, but now that Holmes has been reminding that the most important person to him in the world is leaving, he's PISSED and it's ADORABLE and FUNNY.
Holmes: There's only one case that intrigues me at present: the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings. They appear most...sinister.
Me: LOLOL BITCHY HOLMES.
Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes? :|
Holmes: Is it poisoned, nanny?
I love Holmes here. He's so bitchy and pissy and cute and reproachful. Mrs. Hudson tries to start cleaning, but Holmes says, "DON'T TOUCH! Everything is in it's proper place, as per usual...nanny." lolol shut up, Holmes, if you're going to be a baby then she's going to treat you like one. Thus, NANNY.
Mrs. Hudson is like "o btw he killed the dog" and Watson is like "ADJFDJ WHAT DID YOU DO TO GLADSTONE NOW!?" Once again, PETA is in a frenzy! But it's okay. Holmes was just testing a new anesthetic, Gladstone doesn't mind!
Watson: Holmes, as your doctor...
Holmes: He'll be right as a trivet in no time.
Watson: As your friend!
Holmes: (eye roll)
Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks. I insist, you have to get out!
Holmes sits down and says stubbornly with a delightful bitchface, "There's nothing of interest for me out there, on earth, at all." Watson decides to ask Holmes out on a date, because that always works. Holmes is a brat throughout the entire following exchange, and it's one of the most adorable things in the universe.
Watson: So you're free this evening.
Holmes: Absolutely.
Watson: Dinner?
Holmes: Wonderful.
Watson: The Royale?
Holmes: My favorite.
Watson: Mary's coming.
...wat.
Holmes: (horrified) Not available.
WAT.
"You're meeting her, Holmes!" Watson shouts. Holmes is NOT HAPPY. :C
"Have you proposed yet?"
Watson: No. I haven't found the right ring.
Holmes: Oh, well, then it's not official.
Watson: It's happening. Whether you like it or not.
I don't know why that bit makes me so sad. D: They both know how badly Holmes doesn't want Watson to get married and leave him! It just tugs at my heartstrings, especially the way Jude Law says "it's happening," the asshole!
As Watson leaves, he says Holmes better be at the Royale at 8:30, and tells him to wear a jacket. Holmes shoots back, "You wear a jacket." I giggle gleefully.
So we're at the Royale, and Holmes has gotten there early. I dunno why. But we get to watch him experience a nice bout of sensory overload that even gives me a headache. But he manages to focus when Watson and his darling Mary Morstan! I adore Mary to bits, you guys. I love her so much. Weird, right? One, she clearly rubs Holmes the wrong way. Two, she's taking his dear Watson away from him. Three, she STANDS IN THE WAY OF MY SHIP. But I can't even care. LOL IDK I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH.
Anyway. Enough of my girlcrush. Watson introduces Mary to Holmes, and Holmes reminds us that he is a gentleman by putting on a lovely smile and being like "OH MARY HEY GIRL I WUZ WONDERIN WHEN OUR BOY WATSON HERE WOULD INTRODUCE US AHAHAHA" and we're all going, "Could you tone down the bullshit just a notch, Holmes?" but we can appreciate the sentiment.
They all sit at the table, and let us just take a moment to snicker at Watson's "I know this can only end in disaster but still Holmes if you fuck this up so help me God..." expression.
Mary is a sweetie, lightly fangirling over Holmes and mentioning how she has lots of detective books at home.
Mary: It can seem a little far-fetched, though, sometimes. Making these grand assumptions out of such tiny details.
Holmes: Well, that's not quite right, is it? In fact, the little details are by far the most important. Take Watson--
Mary: I intend to.
OKAY. GUYS. HIS REACTION? MARVELOUS. It's so goddamn cute in a "BITCH WHAT DID YOU SAY" kind of way. He does that weird little laugh - you've done it, you know the kind where someone says something that pisses you off but you know you're trying to be nice so the laugh is like a surrogate knee-jerk reaction because under normal circumstances you would have punched the someone in the face but the someone is your BFF's girlfriend that you don't like but you have to be nice so the first thing you do is do that "oh haha that's so funny I WILL CUT YOU" kind of laugh - BUT ANYWAY. His face right after the laugh is almost just as funny, because it goes from a forced ":D" to a blatant ":|" and it is GLORIOUS.
Holmes recovers from his brief surge of DIE BITCH feelings (a little poorly, because now his tone is even sharper than before) and continues explaining the whole "tiny details are the most important" thing by showing her Watson's walking stick that has a blade of high-tensile steel hidden inside, and those were awarded to only a few veterans of the Afghan war, so Holmes can assume Watson is a decorated soldier.
"Strong, brave, born to be a man of action. And neat, like all military men." We get it, Holmes, you love him. He's still getting married, no use in flattery. Don't get me wrong, I would gladly marry Mary myself so you can have Watson, but I can't. D: SRY BBY.
Holmes: Now, I check his pockets. Ah! A stub from a boxing match! Now I can infer that he's a bit of a gambler. I'd keep an eye on that dowry if I were you.
Watson: Those days are behind me.
Holmes: Right behind you. (to Mary) He's cost us the rent more than once.
...dude. Holmes. Not cool! STFU. You're such a jerk.
Okay maybe that "it's cost us the rent more than once" just kinda struck a personal chord with me, but still. Not going into that.
Mary is a good girlfriend and leads the rather shaming observation away from Watson. "Well, with all due respect, Mr. Holmes, you know John very well. What about a complete stranger? What can you tell about me?"
FUCK. Nooo, don't go there, Mary. You do not want to. You're challenging himmm! D: He already doesn't like you, he's being all territorial and shit! But, of course, Holmes acts like he doesn't want to at first, because he's not a total prick to strangers (at first) (usually). He and Watson converse briefly like they're totally agreeing that Holmes shouldn't, even though Watson is for real and Holmes is just being polite despite REALLY REALLY WANTING TO BE A DICK.
Holmes: You?
Watson: I don't think that's--
Holmes: I don't know that that's--
Watson: Not at dinner.
Holmes: Perhaps some other time...
Mary: I insist.
Holmes: You insist?
Shit.
Watson: Dude no, we talked about this.
Holmes: The lady insists.
Watson: FML.
Holmes wastes no time in picking out every single little thing about Mary that he can see, getting more and more douchey as he goes. He correctly observes that she's a governess, has a student (Charlie, age 7) who is tall for his age and flicked ink at Mary today. There's nothing on Mary's face, but there are two drops on her ear, and India blue is nearly impossible to wash off. He goes on saying that the ink-flicking wasn't very nice of Charlie, but Mary is too experienced to react rashly, which is why the landlady of that house lent Mary the necklace she's wearing.
Holmes: Oriental pearls, diamonds, a flawless ruby. Hardly the gems of a governess.
Shut up, Holmes, you're a twat and now you've embarrassed darling Mary! You're also pissing off Watson. No nooo, Holmes goes on!
Holmes: However, the jewels you are not wearing tell us rather more.
Watson: Holmes.
Holmes: You were engaged. The ring is gone, but the lighter skin where it once sat suggests that you spent some time abroad wearing it proudly. That is, until you were informed of its true and rather modest worth, at which point you broke off the engagement and returned to England for better prospects. A doctor, perhaps.
Did...did he seriously just say that to her? Holmes, I love you, I truly do, but words cannot describe how much I want to punch you in the face right now. Mary should punch you!
But this is the 19th century, so she can't really do that. So she settles for throwing her wine in Holmes's face. GOOD. You deserved it, asshole! She looks furious, Watson looks pissed but unsurprised, and Holmes doesn't move a muscle. Mary says Holmes was right about everything except that last part. She didn't leave her previous fiance - he died.
SNAP, HOLMES. What've you got to say to THAT?
Mary gets up and leaves, and Watson says, "Well done, old boy," and leaves as well. Holmes eats his dinner. It's hard to tell if he feels bad. He might and that "yeah whatever" look on his face is a farce, or he might just be Sherlock Holmes as always and seriously not give a damn.
I hate for this to be so short, but I only rented the movie (lol my family's poor, we can't buy shit) and I wanted to post something before we return it. Once I can rent it again, I'll recap more and post it. Until then, enjoy this and my other recaps! I will finish the Star Trek one very soon!