A/N: This is it…the last and final chapter of this story that I've enjoyed writing so much…hope you all enjoy this closing chapter as Simon gets ready to start his new career in the New Year and unexpectedly sees someone from Glen Oak…

Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other

By: CNJ

PG-13

20

January second. The second day into the new year. The holidays are pretty much over. I am more than ready to start my new career in just a few short days.

Deena and I have had a wonderful New Year's celebration. I am still over at her apartment, where we spent a quiet New Year's Day making love, eating, talking, and watching DVD's. We also watched a bit of the New Year parade.

It's around nine or so on January second when I wake up before Deena. She's still asleep, so I leave her a note, telling her than I am going for a walk and will be back in a while.

It's snowing lightly outside as I walk briskly down the sidewalk and down several streets. People are also out walking, but since it is a Sunday, not too many of them are going to work. I myself will be joining the work commuters in just a few days.

I stop in a deli and get a cup of tea, which I carry along and sip. After a twenty-minute walk, I find myself at Central Park.

It's a huge, wide park with lots of people out and walking. I walk around a bit, enjoying the light snow and seeing all sorts of people out and about, some dressed in incredible outfits. One lady is riding a bike covered with New Year's banners and blowing a party horn.

There are also a few food venders braving the morning cold and selling snacks. I go over and sit on one of the iron benches and watch a group of kids playing. One of them is pulling a sled, although there is no snow accumulation on the ground yet. The flakes falling are still sporadic and very light…not enough to stick.

I feel as if I am seeing much more of the wide world here in the city and just seeing and variety of people milling through Central Park opens my eyes all the more.

Glen Oak seems like a distant, closed dream, a world that had its own culture and was separate from much of the world.

Perhaps Matt always knew this also, but I also knew there was a world bigger than Glen Oak, a world where yes, people had non-marital sex and still were good people, a world where people of differing faiths and some of no religion co-existed peacefully, a world where gay people existed, a world where perfectly happy families had children without marriage.

I also knew that there are many dysfunctional families in the world and that parents were not always wise and not always honest. As I got older, I suspected that Mom and Eric didn't always know the right thing to do…but until recently never really understood the deepness of their lies.

Because of the examples they set for us seven kids, both good and bad, we all carried those legacies into our adulthood, including the lies they told us…we siblings then learned to lie, myself included.

One clear recollection I have is when I was a sophomore in high school and trying to defend this one boy who was being continually harassed in school, Lucy had dropped out of the college in New York City and come home to Glen Oak.

She'd been crying a lot and complaining about how "awful" New York was and about Jeremy, the boyfriend she'd stayed with at the time.

I'd found it strange in a way because Matt and Sarah were living in New York and had no trouble with the city at all. Even if Lucy had trouble with Jeremy and the college, New York had plenty of other options here. I'd wondered why Lucy hadn't gotten a job there and rented a room or a dorm or gone to another college.

I'd done my best to stay out of it since it really wasn't my business, although Lucy went around snapping at everyone and picked a fight with Ruthie and with Robbie Palmer, who'd been living at the Glen Oak house at the time.

Mom and I had also been having our problems with Mom complaining endlessly about the menopause she was going through and about my "bad" attitude.

Later, Mom got Lucy to tell her a version of what happened with Jeremy's family…I didn't get the whole thing, but basically Lucy had been shocked to find out that Jeremy's family was more progressive, had non-marital sex, drank, and some of the members had even used drugs.

Jeremy and his family sensed Lucy's disapproval and shock, so they in turn rejected her…they fought and Lucy left Jeremy's place and came back to Glen Oak with Lucy complaining bitterly that it was not a "Camden world" out there.

I'd been surprised that she didn't know this and seemed too shocked. I know now that Eric and Mom lied to her in leading her to believe that she was special and that the world was Camdenized.

I'd kept my thoughts to myself and just concentrated on trying to fend off Mom's criticism of me and my life, which had hurt and made me feel worse about myself than I was already feeling.

But now I'm glad I have this new start away from that Camden world, which is now in pieces of dysfunction, torn apart by the lies we all told…to ourselves and each other. I intend to live in the real world and try to be more truthful from now on. No more lies.

Once I have kids, I will make sure I do not lie to them and will try not to mislead them they way Mom and Eric often misled all of us kids. Kids deserve to know the truth about the world and themselves.

The wind picks up even more, carrying the dainty white flakes faster. I finish my tea and look for a trash receptacle. As I look around, I see a figure in the distance…she is bundled in several scarves, a thick beige coat, gloves, and several hats.

She is walking slowly and hunched, as if she is unused to cold weather and is attempting to protect herself from the cold. Her dark curls blow out from under her multiple hats and I am startled to see her heading in my direction, peering at me.

At first I wonder who she is, but am even more startled when she gets close to me and I see her eyes.

"Ruthie!" I drop my cup and have to retrieve it.

"Hi, Simon…" she says.

"Hello…" I am momentarily speechless and wonder how in God's name she made it here. Looking around fearfully, I check to see if Mom or anyone else has joined her, but there is no one else familiar in sight.

"I know you're shocked to see me…can I sit?" she asks as she loosens some of her scarves.

"Yes, I am…sure...sit," I gesture. She sits.

"It's so cold here…how do you stand it?" Ruthie complains.

"You get used to it…and have lots of hot drinks." I show her my tea cup.

Lots of mixed feelings are flowing through me at this moment…relieved that she doesn't seem to be here to attack me and also a bit fearful as to why she is here, fearful that she might ask me to lie for her again or drag me into one of her schemes.

"How did you get here?" I ask after a speechless minute.

"Road trip…I don't live at home anymore," Ruthie tells me. "I moved out of there…I live with some friends a few blocks away from home still in Glen Oak…these guys I've met."

"I heard," I say, leaning back.

"One of my roommates, Zack, was coming up here to help a friend move out of the city…I was the only one who'd be around, so he invited me to come along…we took a four-day road trip, leaving the day after Christmas…he's helping this guy move, so I decided to take a walk…I've always wanted to see what Central Park looked like, so I came here."

"It's good to see you…I'm so sorry for what's been going on back in Glen Oak with you and the rest of the family…I heard about Martin and Lucy…and Mary and Kevin…and Eric leaving the church…and Mom and Beau…"

"I doubt you've heard the half of most of it," Ruthie says shortly.

"Oh…" I say. "Can you tell me the parts I don't know about…like whatever possessed our mother to beat Beau into near-unconsciousness…and whether Martin has anything new up his sleeve…and how the kids fared in all this?"

"I'm done with Martin…and Lucy." Ruthie curls her lip in disgust. "I never want to see either of those two again…Lucy disgusts me the way she clamped onto Martin…you know Lucy got me kicked out of the house?"

I shake my head and nod for her to go on.

"She did…" Ruthie goes on. "She called me a tramp and made me so mad I slapped her…it was a few days before Christmas and I was having enough trouble as it was…I was recovering from my surgery…"

My eyes widen. "You had surgery? I'm so sorry…"

"It wasn't anything major…it was just…some stitches from my miscarriage…" Ruthie sighs.

I get the feeling that there is more behind her surgery than she is telling me, but I don't pry.

"Why did she call you…" I clear my throat.

"She didn't want me around Martin…she still thought I'd try to steal Martin back from her…Martin ignored me for several weeks after I lost his baby…then a week or so before Christmas, he started being civil to me, if not that warm…Lucy saw this and started getting jealous." Ruthie makes a face.

"I overheard Lucy badmouthing me to Martin and telling Martin to stay away from me…but Martin didn't and once he even told Lucy to shut up when she was badmouthing me…they got into a fight and didn't talk for a few days…Lucy then started yelling at me, telling me to keep off Martin…as if…" Ruthie snorts.

"Did you tell Mom what was going on…?" I ask.

"Of course I did," Ruthie huffs. "But you and I both know how Mom and Dad favor Lucy…remember how Mom and Dad always labeled Lucy the 'good' one, especially when Mary got into all her crap and mess?"

I nod.

"And we both know she was no angel…she pulled just as much crap as anybody else, but Mom and Dad rarely punished her…so of course, when I tried to tell Mom, she sided with Lucy as she always does…so did Dad…Dad dotes on Lucy even worse than Mom…Mom just said that it was basically my fault and that Lucy had 'good reasons' to be yelling at me…Mom even had the nerve to blame me for Lucy and Martin fighting that time…" Ruthie rolls her eyes before continuing.

"That night Mom and Dad kicked me out was horrible…Sam, that stupid brat, asked me if I was having sex with Martin again…Lucy was in Dad's study…she always uses Dad's study as her personal lounge and Dad lets her…she was there and overheard Sam…I told Sam no and to shut his mouth, but Lucy heard, came out and started yelling at me without even letting me say that I wasn't." Ruthie paused a minute.

"She just kept it up, calling me names and telling me I was amoral, out-of-control and as bad as you with the sex…I told her I'd loved Martin, that I was not just using him for sex and that until she butted in, Martin and I had plans to marry…Lucy got even madder and called me a tramp…that's when I got so mad and slapped her…I couldn't take any more of her crap…I wanted to beat the puss out of her that night…" Ruthie looks at her shoe, than out over the park.

"But right when I slapped her, Martin heard it and came running from the kitchen. Lucy whined that I slapped her, but of course didn't tell her side…Martin got mad at me and joined Lucy in yelling at me…I yelled back because I'd had it with the two of them and with Sam and David's stupidity…those boys were always on my back and causing trouble…Mom and Dad heard from upstairs by then…I'm sure all our neighbors could hear Martin and Lucy screaming at me by then…"

"Oh, my Lor-" I start, then amend it so it doesn't seem like a swear according to Camden rules. "…goodness…" I manage lamely.

"Yeah…Mom and Dad came tearing down the stairs, demanding to know what's going on…Mom glared accusingly at me and I knew she'd decided that I was the guilty one…Martin butted in and told Mom and Dad that I'd slapped Lucy…Lucy chimed in and put on this fake martyred little voice that she gets and pretended that her cheek hurt so bad…" Ruthie snorts again.

"And of course, Mom and Dad bought Lucy's act and Martin's story hook, line and sinker…they ordered me out of their house…I tried to tell them that wasn't fair, that Lucy started it, but Mom basically told me to shut up and pack what I could…Dad told me I had thirty minutes to be out of the house…I didn't have any other choice but to pack what I could carry and call Zack…thank goodness he and his friends could take me in…"

I just hope Savannah and Rick were not there to overhear this.

"I spent Christmas there…by then I was fed up with all of them…Mom, Dad, Martin, the boys, and especially Lucy and her brats…"

"Wait, Savannah and Rick aren't…"

"I know you adore them and think they're sweet and cute, but when you're not around, they're spoiled and doted on…they either ignore me or are bratty to me…and now with Kevin's mother and with that Lily woman involved, those kids get even more doting…why did you call them in on us, Simon? That was a pretty low trick you pulled to get back at us…I know Mom and Dad are rotten jerks, but you really didn't have to punish all of us for Mom and Dad's stupidity…"

"I wasn't trying to 'punish' anybody or pull any 'tricks' on anyone, Ruthie," I say quietly. "I just was looking out for three innocent kids who didn't ask to be born in our family problems…"

"Yeah, thanks, Simon, for making me lose my daughter…and on top of losing Martin's baby as well…I was so sure it was going to be a boy…but I've lost both of them, one thanks to you…"

"I'm sorry Kaylee was removed…but she's in a stable, safe home now…it wasn't healthy for her at the Glen Oak house…"

"Next time, don't do me any favors," Ruthie snaps.

Not knowing what to say, I fall silent. She's silent for a minute also. I wonder if she will leave, but she surprisingly keeps talking. I guess she doesn't find me too despicable, not the way Lucy and Martin definitely do.

I can empathize with Ruthie since Lucy and Martin also judge her and find her lacking to their lofty, alleged "high" moral standards. It dawns on me that maybe that's why Ruthie has come to seek me out…now she's as low on the Lucy/Martin/Mom/Eric totem pole as me.

"It would have served Mom right if Sam and David had been taken away…Sam should have been arrested for having that knife…Mom just acted like it was a spilled drink or something…and I was in the hospital after my miscarriage, but no one cared…all Lucy cared about was her little precious son…Martin was suckered in by her and joined her in fawning over Rick…he just turned his back on me when I needed him most and went back to Lucy."

"Why did you go out with Martin that night?" I ask.

"I was lonely that night…I had no one on my side…no one who cared about me…Lucy went crazy over Rick because Rick was coughing and couldn't stop…he sounded worse than you having an asthma attack…Mom, and Dad went with her…I wanted to go too, but Mom and Dad ordered me to stay home and babysit Savannah and Kaylee…so I was stuck home alone with my daughter, who started crying and wouldn't stop, no matter what I tried to do…Savannah kept whining about Rick and her mommy…she kept pestering me about when her mother would come home and asking me a million dumb questions…I was getting fed up and that's when Martin came over."

"Did he try to help you with the kids?" I ask.

"No," Ruthie snorts. "But I wanted to get away so bad…I was so sick of everything and everyone…Martin started to feel sorry for me and had his complaints about Sandy and how she just dumped him and took his own boys…and Martin's dad was giving him enough grief as it was…so he offered to take me out for coffee and I jumped at it…anything to get away…"

I shake my head in disbelief at the way she and Martin left the kids. "Unbelievable…" I mutter.

"What's unbelievable is the way Lucy acts and how Mom and Dad have spoiled her beyond belief," Ruthie tells me.

"So…you started to lose the baby when you were out with Martin?" I ask.

"Yes…Martin panicked at first, but managed to get me to the hospital…it was awful and I was wheeled right past Mom and Dad, who of course stopped Martin and started barraging him…asking him about me…I was wheeled on alone and called for Martin, but Martin just ignored me and stayed with Mom and Dad…then from there went on to Lucy while I lay in the maternity ward losing my baby…"

"I'm so sorry, Ruthie…" I say, my brows tightening. That must be awful to lose a baby that way. No one deserves that.

Ruthie peers at me as if to see whether I am sincere. I really am.

"Thanks…no one has ever said that to me about the baby," she softens a bit. "That time in the hospital…I was angry and disappointed…I was hoping Martin would come to his senses and come to me and at least offer me sympathy, even if he didn't get back with me or marry me…but he didn't bother with either…" she pauses briefly.

"I guess when I saw you instead, I lashed out at you, I was so disappointed…I know I shouldn't have said those things to you and made you cry, but I was upset and a lot was going on in my life…by then, not even Mom or Dad were very sympathetic…Mom even had the nerve to imply that I'd brought it all on myself as if I willed the miscarriage...she even once hinted that I was going to hell because I had a two out of wedlock pregnancies."

"Gosh…" I say. "Maybe Mom is also since she assaulted Beau…I'm sure God hasn't missed that….did you see what happened that night?"

"I wasn't living there by then, but I heard the commotion several blocks away and came out from my place…almost all the neighbors were staring…it was the night Martin and Lucy ran off to Hawaii…Beau thought Mom had encouraged the elopement and I guess told her…Mom must have gone off because I saw her out there hitting Beau with the spaghetti strainer…Beau was trying to hold out his arms to defend himself, but she pushed him right down, sat on him and was just hitting him…it was unreal…it was as if she'd gone crazy.

"The police came and so did the ambulance…there was all this noise…sirens going, Mom yelling at the top of her lungs at Beau, telling him that God was going to punish him…and Beau was being loaded onto a stretcher and Mom still kept screaming at Beau…that's when a cop came and handcuffed her…Mom tried to hit at him also, but the other officer threatened her with assaulting an officer charges, so Mom finally went…she stopped screaming, but just kept complaining all the way to the car."

"It is unreal," I say. "I'm glad Savannah and Rick didn't have to witness that…and Ruthie…I'm glad you got out of there…I hope we can both move forward…I'm trying to…I know I've made lots of mistakes…we all have…I hope Mom and Eric can learn from their mistakes also…ditto Martin and Lucy…"

"Those four never will," Ruthie says. "Mom, Dad, Lucy, and Martin will never in their lives admit to their faults or wrongdoings. My mistake was falling for a loser like Martin."

"I'm glad you're away from Martin…take a few moments, Ruthie to think about where you want your life to go…I know these last few months have been hard on you also, but you can think back and think how you can build on there…I know I am…I'm trying to learn from the mistakes I've made this year and in the past and move from them…move forward…I start my new job in a few days…I hope you can start some career, get something going too."

"Maybe…" Ruthie mutters.

I'm not sure if my advice really will sink in…maybe not yet.

"I think I do have something with Bill, this guy I met right before I came here," Ruthie says.

"Oh?"

"Yeah…he's different from Martin or Mac…he's an accountant and is twenty-five…after I get back to Glen Oak, I'll be meeting him for dinner…he brought me a flower the second time he saw me."

"That's…nice," I say. I really don't think she needs to rush into another relationship with a guy after Martin, but refrain from offering her unsolicited advice.

"At first, I was kind of mad when you went away to college early…and jealous too," Ruthie admits.

My brows shoot up in surprise.

"I was left alone with the twins, then Peter moved away, so I was alone when I started high school…I didn't really have any friends besides Martin…" Ruthie says. "Even with Martin, he never really cared for me that way…now that I think about it, Martin always did play little push away and pull close games with me…you were gone and having sex and doing all these adventuresome things in college…and going off in film directing…you'd come home full of talk about people and places I couldn't relate to, so it made me even angrier and more jealous of you…I knew we'd grown so far apart."

"We did," I agree.

"You were always around when I was little…even if you moped around and spent too much time thinking…I guess I've always been a little jealous of you, Simon…you always came up with these imaginative story ideas for our games…I never could, so I just joined you…I'd see you lying on your bed or sitting by a window, deep in these thoughts and I'd ask what they were, hoping you'd let me in your inner world…but you rarely did…you'd just tell me, I'm thinking and would retreat…I was always jealous you could do that…I never could, so I had to just live with what went on around me."

It surprises me that Ruthie had always been jealous of me even when we were little. If anything, at times, I'd envied her…how bold and outgoing she was and how she could just jump in with both feet while I hovered timidly on the edge, then stepped in one foot at a time.

"I didn't really know you'd been envious that long," I admit. "I sometimes wished I could be bold like you were…you were the younger sister, yet you were braver…I was often afraid, but tried to hide it…I remember when we were lost…it was right in our neighborhood in Glen Oak, but it seemed so big at the time…you were about five, I was ten…I don't remember why we'd wandered so far from our house…do you remember…?"

"No," Ruthie says.

"I didn't want to tell you we were lost…I was responsible for you and you were depending on me to lead you home…but I remember my heart pounding and being so scared, but I tried to hide it from you…but I think you knew anyway…It didn't do much for my pride to have you, my little sister, see me so scared…I think Sergeant Micheals found us and took us home…"

We're silent a minute, looking out over the park, the wind blowing our hair. Several of Ruthie's scarves have loosened, although she's still bundled up. I myself have just one medium-thick jacket with a hood.

Perhaps it's because I went to college in northern California while Ruthie has lived all her life in tepid Glen Oak is why she finds New York so cold. I am used to cold weather.

I see how very opposite we are, even as young children. Maybe that was a factor in us growing apart. Our lives have taken such different paths since I started high school.

Not to mention that Mom and Eric have raised her entirely different than they raised me. And yet, both of us suffered from Mom and Eric's lies and dysfunction. And both of us have been adversely affected by Martin and Lucy's selfish actions and judgments.

"Simon…I have to get going in a minute…" Ruthie says. "But I hope things go well for you here in New York…and your new job goes well…let's stay in touch…not be so angry with each other…I never meant what I said back in the hospital."

"I hope things get better for you, Ruthie," I say as we stand. "I hope you find a direction in your life…start a career…and perhaps a family, one better than the one we grew up in…better than Lucy and Martin's…I'll keep in touch."

I hear a guy calling Ruthie. In the distance is a tall redhead looking for her.

"Goodbye, Simon," Ruthie waves as she departs.

"Goodbye, Ruthie," I say softly.

Watching her go, I feel better about our sibling relationship in a long, long time. I know we will never be as close as we once were. But I am glad we realize that we can end this ice war between us and stop being so angry with each other.

I do plan to call her once in a while to see how she is. And I do hope Bill is much better than Martin.

The soft snow, which stopped for a while when Ruthie and I were talking, starts up again as I head home. Walking slowly, I enjoy the hushed winter silence and look upward to the sky, to the heavens where I hope Matt can see us. I hope he can see his kids grow up and see his wife finish raising them. Maybe Ms. Kerjez is there watching us also.

Thinking of God, now that I am freeing myself from Mom and Eric's conditioning and their view of their God, I am actually freeing myself to form a closer, more genuine bond with God…I know I can now worship God without all the edicts and narrow prejudices.

It's something to build on, just like my new life. Like the building snow, I feel my own life coming together as I walk back home to Deena...there's a new energy in my gait and my heart is lighter than it's been in a long, long time.

Storyline Copyright 2010 by CNJ