The Life We Build in Dreams

This is a very late post season 4 finale fic. It took me a long time to finish it because I felt pretty uninspired by most episodes in season 5. However, it annoyed me as an unfinished piece so I pushed through to finally complete it!

As usual, nothing is mine except my vision of Booth and Brennan.

Like a feather tracing soft patterns on his skin, he felt her face and name tickle against his consciousness as he fumbled towards waking. Behind his eyelids, the early morning light began to seep in and he felt his limbs stretch out across the bed without really being aware of them. The floating sensation of coming out of a deep dream was slowly replaced by growing attentiveness to the sounds of traffic outside and the muffled noises of his neighbours. Finally, he allowed his eyes to open and blink languidly at the ceiling above him. Although he knew the dream was not real he already missed her- the woman that he had in the dream, the one he could touch freely and to whom he could express the feelings in his heart. Sighing, Booth rolled towards his alarm clock and turned it off a full half hour before it was set to ring. He knew it was pointless to revisit the dream he had while he had been in the coma following his brain surgery, but he could not control where his mind wandered while he slept. During the day he was able to catch himself before his thoughts went too far down the path that lead to complete distraction, but once the night came, he could not help himself from reliving the most vivid moments of his coma induced fantasy.

Even now as he closed his eyes again to relieve the grittiness and heat that came from a lack of deep and restful sleep, the images flooded his internal vision like a series of screen captures. Bones- or Bren as he had called her in the alternate reality he kept reliving. It was so real: the warmth of her hands against his body as they tumbled in bed; laughter at a humourous moment; an overwhelming swell of joy when she shared news of her pregnancy. Booth snapped his eyes open again as he felt a now familiar sadness at the loss of this imaginary child. It had taken him weeks to realize that the joy he felt in the dream was authentic; as real as his joy would be if he and Bones were really having a baby together. Somehow the irrational sense of loss that he felt every time he thought about it would not fade away. Frustrated and fearing that he would cry with frustration if he remained motionless, Booth sprang from the bed and headed towards the shower.

When Booth pulled up in front of Brennan's apartment building, she was waiting outside with a travel mug in her hand. He slowed to a stop and smiled as she opened the door and jumped into the seat beside him. Neither one of them was sure how it had become the routine that they drove to work together everyday, but it seemed the most natural thing to both of them that they would be each other's first human contact of the morning. If Booth were honest with himself, he knew that this was part of his desperate attempt to make the fantasy real. If he were with her first thing every morning, he could sometimes pretend that they had been with each other the entire night before and that this was truly a ritual of practiced domesticity.

"Good morning Booth," Brennan's tone was filled with affection. "Here you go."

Booth accepted the warm coffee from her and allowed his fingers to brush across the back of her hand as they exchanged possession of the mug. This had become another part of their habit- she would bring him a cup of coffee for the drive to work. It was a small gesture, but for Booth it felt like a silent and repeated confession of her desire to take care of him since he had awakened from his surgery. He knew better than to ask her about the motives behind the coffee, but he saw her eyes twinkle a bit brighter every time he smiled his gratitude and took a large swallow from the cup. And he did appreciate it. It had been such a long time since anyone had taken the time to offer him any type of comfort and care. The fact that the action came from his Bones was just an added bonus that filled him with contentment.

When they arrived at the Jeffersonian, despite knowing he had to be at his own office in fifteen minutes, Booth exited the car and walked beside her as Bones made her way towards her office. The unnecessary journey added a few extra minutes to his time with her and also allowed him the luxury of pressing his fingers into the small of her back- a gesture so familiar that neither of them even seemed aware of it anymore. As they passed through the lab, Booth whispered a suggestive remark about Cam and the latest intern and Bones rewarded him with an uncharacteristic giggle. The sound of her laugh took him back to a moment in his dream right after his own words 'I love when you do that.' His skin tingled like it was true- her breathy chuckle in response to his statement, her hands moving across his back and stroking his ribcage, the sensation of her lips brushing against chest. The memory was so vivid that Booth was lost in it and did not even realize he had stopped keeping pace with Brennan until she stopped and turned to look at him questioningly.

"Booth? Everything OK?" She tried to sound unconcerned but her voice was tinged with worry as it so often was since his surgery.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, "Booth stammered in reply. "I'm fine. Sorry- just got distracted by something."

He took several long strides to catch up with her and when they were next to each other again, Brennan reached out and gave his hand a tight squeeze. Booth smiled down at her in an effort to reassure her, but when she looked back at him, he could still see the shadow of anxiety in her eyes. She let go of his hand and they continued to her office where Booth watched her settle in at her desk, leaning against the bookcase and memorizing her every movement until he had to pull himself away. He shifted his weight and impulsively moved towards her. As if by instinct, his hand reached out and caressed the curtain of hair that fell along her cheek. Booth realized what he was doing when his fingers rested on the curve of her neck but somehow he could not pull his hand away. When his eyes met hers, he was surprised to see no sign of alarm. Instead of pushing away from him, Brennan turned her face slightly so that her cheek pressed against his palm. For a moment neither of them moved and all Booth could think about was the whisper of her breath across the skin of his hand. When Brennan lifted her head, her eyes held his a moment longer before she turned away to refocus on the files that lay out on her desk.

Booth left out of the office without uttering a sound. He felt like the line between his dream world and his waking existence had become blurred and he was not even sure the last few minutes had really happened. Maybe he really was losing his mind and could no longer distinguish reality from his fantasy. When he dared to look back over his shoulder, Bones was sitting at her desk, reading something and taking a sip from his forgotten cup of coffee. Somehow, the intimacy of her finishing his coffee almost made his heart burst. Booth realized then that what he missed most was the closeness of the relationship he had with her in his alternate universe. It wasn't the physical connection of sex with her that he longed for, but the intense emotional ties that created an intertwined reality where nothing was exclusively his or exclusively hers. A trust so special that everything was communal between them- from coffee to robes and everything in between; a world where she helped him straighten his tie while he stood there in his boxer shorts; a place where she called him 'Honey' and it sounded like a song. Booth had never experienced that with anyone and that is what the dream offered him- a life completely shared with her where there were no invisible lines they could not cross and no boundaries to their bond. Booth tore his eyes away from Bones and continued out of the building, hypnotized by the revelation that he what he missed from his dream was the pure, all consuming love he had shared with Brennan is his imagination.

Booth moved through the rest of his day in a haze of bewilderment. He went through the motions of being at work and even answered the phone a few times, but had no recollection of any conversation. H e watched the clock, knowing that every minute that passed, the time grew nearer that he would have to go back to the lab to pick Bones up and drive her home. For the first time in weeks, he wished they had not started carpooling to work since right now the thought of sitting beside her in the car made him nervous instead of content. His heart actually ached in his chest all day as he felt the pain of missing something that he had never really possessed. Since his discharge from the hospital, he had been fooling himself into thinking that the friendship he shared with Bones was enough to satisfy the desires that had been stirred up by the drama his unconscious mind had created. Now he had to admit that it would not be enough and that being near her, without being close to her, might emotionally tear him to shreds.

Finally, when he knew that a call from Bones inquiring about his whereabouts would inevitably come, he made his way back to the Jeffersonian. When Booth entered the darkened building, his shoes echoed against the tile and his steps to her office were the only movement in the hallways. An asymmetrical rectangle of light cast by her office lights lay across the floor and Booth slowed his pace as he approached the doorway. Realizing that she would have heard his approach, Booth hesitated only a second before closing the final few metres of distance and entering her office. Bones is waiting for him, eyes already on the door and watching him as he enters. The look on her face halts Booth in his tracks. There is something so serious and sincere about the way she is staring at him that he has to stop moving, stop breathing for a second.

"Bones- are you OK?" When he is finally able to speak, Booth echoes the question she asked him hours before.

"Yes, I'm fine." Her voice is steady but Booth can detect an undercurrent of uncertainty in her tone. "But there is something I need to tell you."

Dropping to the sofa, Booth exhales the breath he'd been holding and swallows the lump in his throat. He senses that this is it. She is going to tell him that she can no longer feed his delusions of a different life for the two of them; that the carpooling and the dinners, and the touching has to stop. He crossed the line this morning and things became dangerous so now she will be sensible for both of them and end this before it gets worse. Maybe she will even recommend a therapist to help him move on from this lingering fixation he has with something that never actually happened. Preoccupied with his fears for how this is all about to unfold, Booth did not even notice that Bones had moved until he felt the sofa shift with her weight when she sat beside him.

"Listen Bones, I think I know what you're going to say. " His voice came out as a resigned sigh.

"Somehow, I don't think you do because I've been trying all day to think of the words I want to use and even now I am not quite sure how to make you understand what I mean." She paused. "Booth, what I need to you to know is that it was real."

His brow furrowed with confusion as he tried to process what she meant. He knew that his dream had not been real, so what was she talking about?

"Bones- I'm not sure I get what you mean by that."

"What I mean is that your dream was real. Well, not the entire dream, but the important things in the dream. All the things you are trying to recapture now that you are awake- what you and I shared in the dream, it was real. It IS real. I know that what you miss from your dream is the life you and I had together…but we do have part of a life together and we can build a whole life together in the real world. It won't be like your dream- I mean, we won't own a nightclub and I am never going to let you call me Bren- but the rest of it we can have."

Once again, Booth is left breathless. Turning over the words, he thinks that he understands what she is saying, but he wonders if she really does. He did not tell her every single detail of his dream and now he thinks she is agreeing to something that she doesn't completely comprehend. He wants it all- and he can't live with what she is offering if she is not offering everything.

"Temperance," his voice is low and quiet, "I'm not sure you know what you are saying so I think I need to explain a couple things to you."

Before he can continue, she has leaned in close and her lips are pressed to his. Unable to separate his reaction from the way he reacted in his dream, Booth responds and deepens the kiss. It feels like an ancient art they have practiced together for a millennium. It is more prefect than Booth imagined and feels more right than either of them could have anticipated. Inside his chest, Booth feels something uncoiling. It is a tension that has been wrapped around his heart since he woke from the coma and now he recognizes that it is happiness springing forth and flowing through his veins. The most intense joy he has ever felt is released and he can feel it spreading through his entire body.

"Is that as good as your dream?" Brennan's lips are still so close they brush against his again when she asks the question.

"Better," he smiles in response. "Because it was real."

Satisfied that he is happy with this new reality they are creating, Bones leans back so that her head rests against his shoulder and her nose nuzzles his neck. Booth wraps his arms around her loosely and kisses the top of her head. The life he built in his dream has started to take shape in the real world and the imaginary love between them has become tangible. He knows it won't be like the hallucination- there will be hard work in this relationship and genuine obstacles to overcome. But he also knows it will all be worth it because when he wakes up from now on, she will be beside him.