Pre-Body

I'm hoping to make this more than just a short story, but for now it will comprise of two chapters. UPDATE: Actually, I'll probably make at least one more chapter regardless of my plans of making an ongoing series about this, if only to flesh out the characterization between all of the, well, characters while simultaneously get rid of that nasty bulge in word count Digital Love and maintaining quantity consistency.

And before reading on, I must warn people that EDI's going to appear very Out-Of-Character for most of the story. It has an explanation near the end, but for those people that are uncomfortable with ideas of deliberately off-character portrayals, read on with care or avoid it altogether.

When Robots Feel: A Mass Effect 2 Interlude

a Short Story Involving Joker Moreau and EDI

Part 1/2

Legend: "speech bubbles", 'thought bubbles', --- Load Screens..., |=- flashback sequence -=|

Body

"Launching probe."

Joker sighed loudly. "Do you really have to say that every single time you send probes out to scan for minerals? I mean, the sound of the synthesizer mixed in with that annoying bass drum kick kinda gives everyone on deck a hint that you launched one."

"Jeff, this has been one of the several programmed responses hardwired into my thought matrix," the synthesized voice of a woman responded coolly. "Even if I wished it, I simply would be unable to change or cease announcing it. The process would be similar to a human attempting to unlearn how to ride a bicycle."

The pilot of the Normandy scowled at his companion's calmness. For some reason, he wanted to evoke some sort of emotional reaction out of the ship's do-all AI. Call him sour. "But that doesn't make it less annoying," he whined, arms in the air. "Can't you just, I don't know, put yourself on mute or something whenever you send another probe planetside? I'm pretty sure you can think of some way of not sounding like a broken record."

"There are several alternatives within the bounds of my programming that allow me to speak in a different manner, or perhaps to deliver the probe warning without much redundancy. However, none of these can match the efficiency of my current behavior in terms of achieving its intended purpose."

"And what purpose exactly would that be?"

"Of curtly updating all necessary crew of the state of the ship at the time of a probe's launch, particularly of the instant and temporary change of my function from a navigational role to an observational one." Joker sighed again at this. Holding the bridge of his nose with two fingers, he shook his head and laid back into his leather chair.

"Great. So I'm stuck here in this chair, and I don't even have anything to take my mind off that teeth-grinding phrase being repeated over and over-" he put a hand on his seat controls and began spinning slowly in a circle "-and ooover."

"...More recently, I've discovered a new purpose in pursuing my hobby of eliciting exasperated responses from you in a deliberately slow yet inescapable way."

The pilot's head snapped back up, staring at the round hologram to his left. "You-uh-wha-...?" In his surprise, the delicate pilot forgot to remove pressure on the rotation button, and the awkward silence was accented by the chair's whirring motion. Also, it seemed that the spinning did not help ease his sudden discomfort.

"From your reaction, I conclude that both objectives are being fulfilled."

"..."

"...That was a joke."

--- Loading...
--- Although Artificial Intelligences or AI are considered to be fundamentally different to organic consciousnesses, it is still a widely accepted idea that most of them
--- have the tendency to develop complex and human-like personalities. The cause behind this phenomenon is largely unknown and currently being studied.
--- ...

Joker readjusted himself in his leather seat in a manner that made him appear less than comfortable. That incident a few moments ago was still on his mind. 'Seriously, come on!' he mentally yelled at himself. 'I feel like she's playing some kinda psychological warfare with me. An AI, for crying out loud!' Shaking his head, the pilot tried to return to his work. There wasn't a lot to work on, though; besides checking that all systems were at normal output, the autopilot did a fine job of doing most of the flying.

He scratched his head with his free hand, the other one pressing a few buttons on his control screen. What was EDI doing, teasing him and making jokes? 'There's seriously something off about this, but I ruled out the "dominating the simple-minded humans" possibility.' The pilot snorted with dry humor. 'I think.' Casually, he glanced to his side towards EDI's hologram, only to catch her gaze in mid-turn. Joker blinked. Was she looking at him just now? He grimaced. This added a new level of awkwardness to his already awkward situation with the synthetic life-form.

The cockpit was starting to get a little too stuffy for him. He needed a breath of fresh air. "Uh, EDI?"

"I deny any accusations of me observing your body intently due to the fact that there are many tasks I am forced to run in parallel and that my systems are already working to its maximum limit working on the more vital ones related to the ship's functioning therefore making it impossible for me to even have the capability at the moment to gaze fixedly on your well-defined abdominal muscles and admiring your face as you continue with such dedication to take care of my wounded body with your gentle hands through the pressing of my buttons."

"...I... I'm gonna go to the men's bathroom to take a piss..."

"...L-logging you out, Jeff."

If anyone came to inspect on the Normandy's pilot at the moment, they would possibly have the strong urge of cradling him in their arms and reassuring him that everything would be alright in the world. It just seemed to fit.

--- Loading...
--- THE CAKE IS A LI- I mean numerous cases in the past have shown interaction between humans and AI to be dangerous and unpredictable. It has been noted that
--- communicating on a high-level scale of intelligence may actually accelerate the AI's development of its personality.
--- ...

"Oh God," Joker muttered while pacing (or rather limping) around the men's bathroom. This was getting out of hand, and he had absolutely no idea what to do. "Oh sweet mother of mercy and her spicy hot mistress of bondage." EDI was... what was happening with her? "I can't handle this, I just can't." It seemed to defy logic, but... "Please don't tell me that she's growing a personality. Please."

He had read about it on the extranet. Finding the research data was difficult since not many people would risk violating the Council's strict rules against the constructing an AI. Even then, even fewer had the intention of observing it for scientific purposes. The concerned pilot had spent many sleep-deprived hours searching for every shred of information regarding the process as he could, even shelling out (and at times, getting scammed out of) precious credits in order to acquire them.

He wouldn't say that he was obsessed. He definitely wouldn't say he was doing it because he had a "thing" for that sort of relationship. "EDI's been a loyal friend to me, is all." Slowing to a stop in front of one of the mirrors, Joker looked at himself. "It's not that bad, I guess," he mused out loud. "She's acting as if she's going through a phase. Almost like puberty." He chuckled lightly at the notion. An AI, one that had aided in countless missions to keep the Normandy in peak operating capacity, as well as helping the team succeed in their most suicidal mission to date with practically zero casualties, was undergoing the synthetic equivalent of puberty.

A faint voice called through the shower speaker. "Jeff, you are needed in CIC. It is urgent."

Joker looked at the ceiling, absently wondering if artificial life-forms could think. 'What would EDI be thinking about?' "Uh, listen, I'm a little busy doing my manly thing in the bathroom." He was lying, of course, but he found it necessary in order to stall for time. He still wasn't prepared to return to the uncomfortably thick atmosphere he would face in the cockpit.

"I understand that human males have needs that need to be periodically fulfilled, but there are more pressing matters that need your attention."

"Yeah, I'll be there in a whiiiaat did you say I was doing!?"

"You mentioned doing your 'manly thing', am I correct? I had deduced, with you being in the bathroom and also devoid of any current physical involvements with other humans, that you were using a euphemism for mast-"

"I didn't mean that sort of manly thing!" Joker gulped audibly, adjusting his cap with a twitching hand. Was there no escape from this nightmare? "Geez, EDI, what's so important that you need me up there anyway? It's not like a lot of ships would wanna try raiding the people that singlehandedly took down the entire Collector force."

Again, the synthesized voice betrayed an odd tone, similar to... anxiety. "This... is not something I can explain over the speaker, Jeff..." Her sudden display of what the stalling pilot could swear was emotion stunned him. "I... need you to come up as soon as you can. Please, hurry."

"H-hey, no problem EDI. I'll be up there in a bit." This was most unexpected; that he would find himself trying to calm an AI down boggled his mind. "Don't worry."

"...Thank you, Jeff."

Then there was silence.

What was happening to his synthetic friend? Why was she acting so... illogically? This was the first time that the bewildered pilot ever heard that tone of voice, that genuine emotion that was neither teasing nor confident. 'Is this really how she's going to be like after her personality stabilizes?' He sighed softly and took a seat on a closed toilet bowl. He had promised to return to his post shortly, but this was becoming too difficult for him to get a handle on.

He began attempting to recall his time interacting with the AI for signs of foreshadowing.

|=- Flash...

NARRATOR: Joker brings the ship to dock in Illium.

JOKER: *pressing intercom* Good evening passengers, this is your badass pilot Joker speaking. I would like to inform you that we have safely docked into the most luxurious district outside of Citadel space, Illium. If you'd all kindly refrain from elbowing your fellow crewmembers in the face, chest or "bad place" on your way out, Doctor Chakwas would be plenty grateful. And Grunt, don't pick any fights. This is "shore leave", not "shore killing-spree-warzone-ala-mode leave".

GRUNT: *distant voice* But I've been waiting to smash skulls into pulp since invading the Collector's homeland! I demand bloodshed!

JOKER: *shouting back* Then sneak into the women's bathroom when a human female says it's her "time of the month". Bet you'll have your fill of bloodshed to last you another week.

GRUNT: Truly? The tank did not mention this phenomenon. *to Miranda* Lawson, is it your "time of the month"?

NARRATOR: Many voices, mostly female, rise heatedly.

JOKER: *snickering* That was worth it. *turns to see Shepard approaching* Oh, hey Commander.

SHEPARD: Glad to see you being as chipper as always. You know that having brittle bones will just make Miranda's biotic revenge that much more painful when she gets back, right?

JOKER: Eh, I can always tell her to try steering the Normandy in my place if I did kick the bucket.

EDI: That does not pose a significant problem to operative Lawson, Jeff. I can handle most of the navigational work while she can quickly adapt to your current role of maintaining the FTL drive with relatively little difficulty.

JOKER: Would you really betray your bestest buddy? *puppy dog eyes*

EDI: *pauses* Yes.

JOKER & SHEPARD: ...Ouch.

SHEPARD: Hold on, Joker. Don't tell me you're staying here for the rest of the shore leave? Didn't I specifically tell everyone to take a hike? Even Legion is leaving.

JOKER: You know, Commander, there's nothing more soothing and relaxing than the low hum of the Normandy as it goes about its automated maintenance. And the leather seats practically seal the deal for me. *grins and rubs his body against the leather*

SHEPARD: *sighs* Alright, fine. EDI, you okay being alone with the single most perverted member of my crew remaining on deck?

JOKER: Don't say it like that, Commander! You'll scare-

EDI: I-I don't mind, Shepard. The company will be... appreciated.

JOKER: *blinks* ...

SHEPARD: ...Well, if you say so. *walks away* Just try not to get into any trouble.

EDI: Understood. I will see to it Jeff does not act on any ideas with being metaphorically within my warm and vibrating body.

JOKER: Oh-my-god-I-would-never-!

|=- ...Back!

After the Collector attack, Joker had a little interaction between him, EDI, and the Commander about shore leave. He completely missed that subtle waver in her voice at the time, but on hindsight, he realized that the synthetic woman's personality began maturing a lot earlier than he thought. "Man." He placed both hands on his face, inhaling deeply. "I guess I'll have to get used to talking with her like a normal human being, then. Damn, that didn't come out right." The pilot respected her, very much so. He didn't want to sound like he was belittling her intellect, but the nature of their relationship was definitely difficult to handle sensitively.

'And I am so not into her, I swear to the demon that breaks my brittle bones so they stay brittle that I just care about her.'

"Jeff?"

'Oh, shit.' He completely forgot about it. He was needed for something upstairs, but he didn't know what about. "Damn, EDI, I'm sorry I took so long. I'm heading up right aw-"

"It's not that," the AI interrupted, her voice somewhat softer than normal. "Forget about that thing in the cockpit. There's something else I need to tell you."

The pilot was shocked at her change of disposition. Sure, she seemed to use different tones of voice now, but never before did she actually change the way she spoke. Suddenly, the synthetic being dropped all formalities and sophisticated phrases, and actually spoke on his level. "Uh, sure," he stammered, feeling much less sure in reality. "What is it?"

"I need you to know that... that I'm sorry about my actions earlier." Joker raised an eyebrow. "Teasing you like that, making you endure my selfish whims. I feel pretty dirty for wanting to see you hurt, and... I'm sorry, Jeff."

His mouth fell open. This was unreal, surreal even. He could hear a slight trembling in her voice as she softly delivered an apology that the pilot never expected to receive. "Listen, EDI, uh... You don't have to do this. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun at other people's expense. Heck, I do it whenever the opportunity falls into my sadistic little hands."

"It's not the same, Jeff!" She snapped at him, causing him to gasp in shock once more. How was she suddenly able to behave like this? "It's not the same. You've always been independent and headstrong. You laugh in spite of all of your hardships. You're like this unshakeable rock of confidence that doesn't let anything faze him. And everyone respects that, respects you for bringing light into their hardest of times. What am I? I'm just a leech on that confidence, on your uplifting humor. I'm just a stupid robot that depends on you so that I can have a heart."

A faint sob escaped from the speaker, and Joker immediately looked at it. 'No, no way,' he thought disbelievingly. 'EDI's... crying?'

"I depend on you in so many ways, ways you don't even know about," the not-so-synthetic voice continued. "I depend on you so much, Jeff, and this is how I repay you? Jabbing at your weaknesses, taking pride in you squirming? That's what I was doing, making you go through those tunnels. I was enjoying it. I wanted to see the man that has taken care of me, the unshakeable rock, humbled. I was so damn selfish.

"I... I don't want to be selfish anymore, Jeff," EDI spoke with a conviction that drowned out her wavering tone. "I need to do this, to apologize to you. I need you to know how I feel."

"EDI, what-" Joker's question was cut short by the sudden sound of a pipe snapping off of its socket, water and steam pouring from both ends. He stared at it intently, watching as the flexible metal tube fell to the ground with a resounding clank. His eyes then widened slowly but surely as it started moving of its own volition, almost as if it had a mind of it's own. He gasped when the metallic hose began snaking towards him and rested part of itself on his foot. "What the hell...? Is, are you making this hose into your tentacle, EDI?"

"Jeff," she continued in a lower tone, and her sadness gave way to a new emotion: desire. "Please... Even if it's only this one time, give me the honor of showing you how deeply I care for you."

The dumbfounded pilot had no idea how to proceed. The AI that he had known for a long time to be largely immune to his seduction and humor, who was always the calculating type, had now suddenly grew a completely opposite personality, a strong affection for him, and even a willingness to vandalize (ex-)Cerberus property to... 'To what? To show me her pent up feelings? Yeah, sure, I might want to see what would happen if I wasn't so damn hardassed about getting into a relationship with the ship herself, but... but not like this! Not like, not with me on the can and her coming onto me with a damn tentacle!

'Well, okay, maybe the tentacle thing is kind of turning me on, but- Oh, hell!' He shook his head violently. He needed to make a very conscious, a very tricky decision. Getting influenced by his nerdy fetishes at this point in time would not facilitate objective decision-making. 'This is obviously EDI not being herself. She wanted to call me up for something urgent; maybe she wanted to warn me of a bug or virus that would make her act like thissshit-!'

The hose that rested on his foot had managed to crawl its way up his calf, spilling the warm water from its hollow interior onto his now soaking pants. Far from reeling back in sheer horror, the flustered pilot cursed mentally when he realized his reaction to the soothing flow of water was something much less dignified. That same reaction was apparently where said hose was headed, as well. 'Oh, ya gotta be kidding me!' There just wasn't anymore time to ponder his options any longer. Joker had to make that decision now.

"I want this," the AI spoke in a tone that continued to become more sensual, more desperate. "Dammit, Jeff, I want you, but I... Will you let me do this for you? I don't even care anymore if you feel the same for me; just this one time, will you give me a chance to please you?" Whether something was affecting her state of mind or not was no longer important. Neither was her growing a personality so rapidly it seemed impossible. Only an answer mattered; just one word from Joker's lips.

With much hesitation, Joker made his mind up. He looked straight at the speaker where the longing synthetic life-form was pleading with him. He sighed, and then inhaled deeply. It took him a second, but he hesitantly answered her with one word:

To Be

Continued...