Chuck...

I mean Bryce...

No, I mean Chuck...

If I were completely honest with myself-- something I've never been (you know that, Bryce) until recently (because of you, Chuck)-- I'd admit to myself that I'm talking to both of you.

Because, truthfully, I see a lot of you in each other.

Bryce, our connection was fiery and passionate and running through explosions and hails of bullets. It was adrenaline and gunpowder. It was physics, in the sense that physics hurtles objects of similar mass and velocity around and into one another. And that connection, that one is unique to us, and it's not something I share with Chuck.

Chuck, our connection was understated and it crept up on me like I've never let an enemy agent. It was fluttering pulse rates and solemnity. It was chemistry, in the sense that chemistry combines disparate elements and creates incredible reactions out of them, and you're lucky if you can ever get the same reaction again, even with the same elements. And that connection, that one is unique to us, and it's not something I share with Bryce.

But standing here now, knowing Bryce, that you're calling my hotel room, and Chuck, seeing your face on my phone, I feel pulled apart by horses. The connections we've had with each other are different, and the two of you are different people, but despite the fact that, Chuck, you're taller and cuter in your more excitable demeanor, and Bryce, you're more windswept and handsome and we have so much history that I remember so fondly, I consider the both of you simultaneously and I can barely keep you apart in my head.

There were things that drew me to you, Bryce, aside from physics. It was the way you trusted me to make the shot, the way you made me the center of your world, and the way you relied on me as much as I relied on you. And I see so much of those same characteristics in Chuck and, sometimes, even more so in him than in you.

He doesn't just trust me to make the shot, he trusts me to always look out for him, sometimes even if it isn't in my best professional interest. And, even though our relationship is a cover, he still looks to me and considers me before he does just about anything (aside from Lou), and he relies on me in a totally different way than you ever did: he relies on me to help him pull himself out of this rut he's been in and more than has the skills to pull out of.

And, the truth is, Chuck, I rely on you, too. And in a different way than I ever relied on Bryce. Bryce, you and I, we relied on each other professionally and we enjoyed each other personally. But, with Chuck... Chuck, you and I both rely on each other for both of those things. You're not an agent, but I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for you defusing bombs (two bombs he's diffused already, Bryce, you'd be proud of your friend) or convincing Carina to come back for me. And personally? I've never felt much personally, I've never been allowed to (Bryce, you know that). But Chuck, you force me to just by being yourself.

And Chuck, as much as I fight against our chemistry, there's something to it. But there are traces of Bryce's physics in you, too, and when I see them in you they make me think of Bryce. Like your willingness to sacrifice yourself for me, or for anyone you care about. Your spontaneous moments of bravery would always painfully remind me of some time Bryce took a bullet for me (figuratively and literally).

Bryce, I'm not going to lie, it felt good to know that you weren't rogue. It felt good to know that you were alive. And it felt good to kiss you again. It felt good to be near you again.

And Chuck, it hurt to see the pain in your face when I realized you had seen us like that. And, damn you, I felt as though I had betrayed you, even though this is just supposed to be (and irrecoverably just isn't) a cover.

Sometimes I think you think this is easy for me, Chuck. That this fake relationship doesn't strain me as much as it strains you. But it does. It burbles up inside of me like an anxiety I can't control and do you know how hard it is for me to admit I can't control something much less deal with being unable to control it? I can't control you and it's infuriating, it's this frustrating concoction of catalysts and agents that never reacts the same way twice. It's difficult chemistry.

It's terrifying enough to want to run away with you, Bryce, because I know you and it's safe and easy with you. Emotionally safe and easy, of course. It's not this difficult and unconquerable ball of emotions nestled somewhere in the vicinity of my kidneys. It's just this easy, lustful and enjoyable hurtling of particles at high velocities through missions and covers and secrets and lies. It's easy physics.

But, Bryce? As far as science goes, you and I were an A in physics, that's true. And Chuck and I will never be more than a C, or generously a B. But after you stole the Intersect, even if you did it for the good of the country, you didn't trust me enough to think that I'd be on your side. When it comes to chemistry, Bryce, I thought we were doing well. But, for the final exam, you failed.

Chemistry, Chuck, as difficult and frustrating and unpredictable and uncontrollable as it has been, is why I'm going to stay.

I think.

I don't know.

I look between the phone ringing on my bed stand and the phone vibrating on my bed and for a moment the rings and the vibrations line up and it's like you're both the same person, calling me for the same reason, and I wish I knew which mattered more, the physics or the chemistry.

Bryce...

Chuck...?

A/N: So, despite my best efforts, I went three straight with Sarah. I'm definitely going to have to go a different route for Crown Vic. Also I'm sorry for taking so long to get this next entry up. I've been working on my multi-chapter fic Chuck vs the Simple Twist of Fate, which was inspired a lot by this fic, so if you're not reading that, please do! That being said, I want to give shout outs to all my reviewers: Afficted, William Ashbless, aross93, you_re_such_a_nerd and jagged1. Thanks so much.