I Know What You Did Last Weekend

By Linda/Linables

Unnecessarily Long Author's Note:

Okay, I have to warn you guys, this probably like nothing you've ever read before. ^u^; It's a little off the wall, but I've been seeing some romance fics involving either Frank or Len, and I've been left wondering, "Wait, how does that work? It can't be very romantic to make out with your girlfriend if your brother is literally attached to you and can see the whole thing." Now, I'm not saying I don't think the idea of something like FrankxMisery or LenxIris isn't cute, on the contrary, I think both ships are very cute. But I could just never get over the whole physical hurdle. I mean, Frank and Len are basically one person from the chest down, right? That's gotta create some problems, if you know what I mean. So this is my solution – feel free to come up with your own. Actually, if you do, post a fanfic 'cause I'd love to read about it. XD Now! On the to the story. Get ready!

P.S. I think Frank and Len would be around their late teens when this happens. Like, 18 maybe.

"RIP! RIP! RIP! RIP!"

The chant was loud and continuous, echoing off of the walls of the small club. A very colorful crowd of people surrounded a semi-circular stage, pumping their fists in the air and pushing against each other in attempts to get closer. The stage was still covered with a swirling cloud that had been dispensed from the smoke machine during the last song, so when the frontmen of the band in question made their anticipated re-entrance, all the crowd could see was a broken silhouette. Their identities were unmistakable though, as everyone could make out the neck of their signature electric guitar, and the two heads framed by tall collars. Then, behind them, a tiny figure rose up from behind the drum kit and waved a pair of drumsticks above his head. With everyone assembled, the smoke cleared and revealed the band whose name the crowd had been chanting furiously – RIP.

It had been a long shot, but this was actually no dream. Frank and Len had hit it big – well, sort of. They weren't known outside of the neighboring counties, but they had achieved the level of "local celebrity." They had been playing Gloomapalooza the previous year when they had caught the eye of a club owner from nearby Sullenton. He had talked to the boys after their set, and immediately offered them a gig at his club, "Poison Ivy". Frank and Len had naturally been more than eager to venture outside of Gloomsville a little, and had taken him up on the offer in a flash. They played their first date at Poison Ivy the next week, and then they were invited back. Regulars of the club began to take notice of them, and before long they were getting gigs in more and more places. By this point, standing on the stage of a popular nightclub in downtown Sullenton, they had gathered up a solid base of local fans who were exceedingly loyal. And this loyalty showed in the faces and actions of the numerous fans who now crowded the vicinity of the stage.

"Ready to give these people the most rockin' encore of their lives, Len?" said a smiling Frank to his brother.

"You know I'm ready, bro!" said an equally enthusiastic Len.

So with Scaredy Bat leading them in on the drums, Frank and Len started playing, earning whoops and hollers from the crowd. It was on the second chorus of their third song when a particularly enthusiastic female fan managed to break through the security line and throw herself onto the stage, quickly jumping at the guitarists and latching herself to them, arms wrapped around their waist. It all happened so fast that neither Frank or Len had time to come up with an intelligent reaction to the situation. But there was one other reaction that had time to occur before a security guard pushed his way to the edge of the stage and tugged the girl off of Frank and Len – and this reaction would not go unnoticed by either.

"Uuhhhnn..."

Both of them heard the whisper-soft groan that was caused by the girl's bouncing, ample assets brushing against their chest and midsection – but not only coming from themselves. Frank and Len looked at each other, eyes widening as if having just realized something monumental. They didn't know what they could do other than leave the stage as quickly as possible, so, taking advantage of the interruption, Frank quickly shouted out "Goodnight Sullenton!!" to the crowd, and he and Len hightailed it backstage. The abrupt exit left everyone, including their drummer, wondering what exactly had just happened.

Backstage, Frank and Len rushed into their dressing room, locking the door behind them and immediately falling into the nearest chair, panting. When they had caught their breath, Frank dared to broach the subject that was buzzing in both of their minds.

"So, uh...she was...kinda hot, huh?"

"Um...yeah. Yeah, definitely." was the tentative reply.

"And...that didn't go unnoticed by you either, did it?"

"You mean...?"

"Yes, Len, that's what I mean..."

"We both groaned."

"Yes, that's my point exactly, Len."

"Oooohhh, shit."

"Yep."

Then both brothers sat in silence for some time, pondering their new predicament. When Frank thought about it, it seemed crazy that it hadn't come up before – why hadn't either of them realized this would happen? It's not like they were children. These things should come up.

Thinking out loud, Frank mumbled, "Argh, why didn't I realize this before? I can't believe it hasn't come up. I mean, even when I've..." but before he finished his sentence, he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth.

"Even when you what?" asked Len, although he had something of an idea.

"Nothing, nothing!" said Frank, visibly embarrassed. "You weren't supposed to hear that."

Len wasn't fazed. Raising his eyebrows, he asked, "Have you been spanking the monkey behind my back?"

Frank was silent, and remained facing away from Len.

"Frank?? Huh, Frank?" Len threw in a poke on the neck for good measure.

Not able to take any more of Len's childish prodding, Frank finally relented. "Only when you're asleep, okay?? You happy?!?"

Len was now silent for a few moments, and waiting for a reaction was making Frank exceedingly nervous. He was just about to try to talk himself out of it when Len piped up.

"Huh, well, now I don't feel so guilty...I do it too. When you're asleep."

In the midst of this new revelation, Frank and Len stared at each other. This had left them both dumbstruck.

"So..." said Frank finally. "I guess the other doesn't feel it when they're asleep..."

"Well, actually...uh...when was the last time you did it?" said Len, looking anxious.

Frank was more than a little bit embarrassed by the blunt question, but what did he have to lose now?

"Uh...I think it was last Saturday night."

"Welllll..." said Len, "I guess that would explain the dream I had that night about a naked woman fondling a guitar, spreading ranch dip on her breasts and handing me a bowl of potato chips."

Frank couldn't help his mouth gaping slightly, but he quickly reigned himself in.

"Wow...well, uh, what do we do now?"

"I dunno, Frank. How is this gonna work?"

"Well, I guess one of us could always sleep if the other...needs to, uh, you know...with girls...or something."

"Well that would kinda suck. I don't wanna have to go sleep according to each other's whims!"

"Yeah, but what other choice do we have? It's not like we can sit there with the other wide awake while we get down to business. I like you, Len, but not that much! That's just getting a little too incestual there!"

"Yeah, and being related makes it weird too. But...uh...couldn't we just..." Len trailed off for a moment, thinking. Then it appeared that a brilliant idea had struck him. "Hey! What if the other just thought of something REALLY vile and turnoff-ish when the other needed to get stuff done? Our brains are separate, so who knows? Maybe it could work!"

Frank raised his eyebrows, considering the idea. He had to admit, it was pretty smart – at least for Len.

"So you mean...if you're...uh..."busy", I would just try to think of something like...Mr. White in a bikini?"

Len shuddered. "Ugh, yes, that's disgusting. You see, I totally can't even remember that girl and how her breasts felt now!"

Frank rested his head in his hand, weighing the options. He guessed it did make some sense. All a body needed was the blood supply from one head to control a penis, right? Any other heads were free to zone out completely. He had to concede.

"Okay, Len. I'm willing to give this plan a shot. But...uh...how do we know it's gonna work? I wouldn't wanna be totally ready to...you know, and have it be a huge failure."

Len hadn't seemed to think of this. "Uh..." he said, straining for an answer. "Well..."

The only real answer seemed to dawn on them at the same time, although neither were willing to be the first to bring it up. After some time of silence, Len grew tired of waiting for his less blunt brother to speak up, and realized that he would have to be the one.

"Should we...uh...test it out?"

Frank didn't look at Len at first, he only twiddled his thumb and looked up at the ceiling, obviously unwilling to admit that that was the only conceivable way.

"Frank!" said a slightly annoyed Len.

"Okay, okay, I heard you." said Frank, finally turning to face his brother. "And I guess you're right. That's the only way."

Len was a little bit surprised that Frank had agreed, but nevertheless, he was glad that he did. It would have been eternally awkward on his part to have to live as the one who had brought that up, had the proposal been rejected. This only left one last problem.

"So...should we just...?"

"Here??" asked Frank, quickly looking around the room.

"Why not? We locked the door, and it's not like we'd have any more privacy back home."

"I guess you're right..."

"Yeah. So...let's just do it?"

"Well, okay..."

Several moments passed without any further action, neither boy apparently sure how to go about this task. Eventually Len grew bored of waiting for Frank to take the initiative.

"Uh...we need take our pants off."

"I know, I know!" said an exasperated Frank, who took a deep, drawn-out breath before lowering his hand to the fly of their black leather jeans. He undid the button, then slowly grabbed the zipper pull and pulled it down. He and Len both kicked the pants off of their respective legs. This left a pair of color blocked boxer briefs, which were gold on one side of center and silver on the other. These were even slower to come off, but eventually they did, leaving the brothers naked from the waist down.

"Okay, so...who goes first then?" asked Frank, biting his lip.

"Uh...well...do you want to?" It seemed Len was finally as nervous as his brother.

"No, no, it was your idea, Len. Shouldn't you go first?"

Conceding to that statement, Len took a deep breath and centered himself.

"Okay, so Frank, you need to think of something hideous now. Fill up your mind with it. Let it consume you."

"Yeah, yeah, I gotcha." said Frank, closing his eyes tightly. He willed his brain to fill up with disgusting thoughts. Scaredy's homemade mosquito pudding...Poe performing interpretive dance...the club manager in a skintight dress...oh yeah, that did it. Frank concentrated on the vile image, trying his damnedest to not notice when Len's hand loosely and tentatively wrapped around its goal object. And, to his surprise, it worked rather well. The club manager in his head eventually started to let his spaghetti straps droop down his shoulders, and Frank fought to urge to retch. This was for their own good.

Some time passed during which Frank remained turned away, eyes squeezed shut, lips pressed together into a thin line in concentration. Len's mind was going in the complete opposite direction as his brothers', filling itself with thoughts of corsets, tight pants and full lips as its owners' hand pumped up and down in their lap. Len hadn't given any consideration to the decision of whether he should take it all the way or not, but the decision was then swiftly made for him by a passing noise outside the room. Len quickly looked up in shock, despite the noise (presumably passing footsteps) having already stopped, yanking his hand off of the now engorged appendage. Frank was shaken out of his thoughts as well.

"What was that?!" he asked hastily, passing a worried glance between his brother and the door.

"I dunno," said Len, a bit breathless from his previous actions. "Maybe someone walking by the room?"

Accepting this answer, and relieved to acknowledge that the sound was long gone, Frank slowly let his eyes drift to their lap.

"So, uh..." he began, not quite sure how to articulate his thoughts. "I see you didn't, um...finish...I'm guessing that's why?"

"Well yeah, I panicked."

"Understandable."

A short moment of silence passed, during which both boys began to fully notice the uncomfortable sensation caused by the interruption. So, as gracefully as possible, Len said, pointing meekly, "So yeah, um, go ahead and take care of that then. I'll just close my eyes and think of something hideous."

"Um, well, okay then..."

So once Len had acquired a sufficiently horrified look on his face, Frank tentatively reached down into their lap to fist the aching shaft. His mind took its turn to drift into pleasant territory, conjuring up images of leather, lace and the way the overenthusiastic fan's nipples had poked teasingly through her flimsy satin top. It was definitely bringing him close, and Len seemed to be distracted enough, so Frank momentarily let go of his inhibitions and pumped zealously for the last several moments before reaching the peak. After he did, he made haste in removing his hand from the sated organ, noticing that Len's concentration had wavered by this point and that his eyes were slowly fluttering open. The next several seconds were quiet, with only the sound of heavier-than-normal breathing from both parties.

"Whoa," said Frank, the word spilling from his mouth on the tails of a deep exhale.

"Yeah," Len replied, not being able to currently think of anything more to say.

When he'd caught his breath (and grabbed a towel from the dressing room's bathroom), Frank said, "So...did it work for you?"

Len considered it for a few moments.

"...Yeah, for the most part. You?"

"Well, yeah...pretty well...at least until that noise from outside, anyway."

"Ugh. Yeah."

"But...you know, this would be pretty hard to keep up for a longer time. If I'm actually with someone, I don't wanna just get it over with as quickly as possible. Plus if the picture in my head had gotten any worse, I might have just lost my lunch."

Len sighed. "Yeah...true..." he admitted. "Hmm. So what, do we have to just do the sleeping thing?" This mouth twisted into a small frown.

"How about both? Like, try to fall asleep while thinking of something disgusting?"

"I could go with that. But how are we gonna knock ourselves out whenever we need to? It's like we're Misery when she needs to sing." Faced with this new problem, Len's face took on a childlike pout.

"Uhh...well, I dunno, Len. I'm sure we'll think of something though. We have to! I mean, we figured out how to put her to sleep and that was almost impossible!"

"I guess..."

"Yeah..."

There was a short silence again, a bit awkward still but getting better. Then Len suddenly gasped, apparently having just thought of something remarkable. Frank raised an eyebrow at him.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Frank...you do like women, right?"

Frank rolled his eyes. Len was such a kid, and he just couldn't help teasing him a bit.

"Yeah, except if I'm really drunk." he said, grinning.

Len gaped at him, eyes growing wide. Frank shook his head and laughed.

"Yes, Len, I like women."

Len pouted. "Okay, okay! Just wanted to make sure! I couldn't care less otherwise, but if we're gonna be sharing those parts, I'd rather not wake up and wonder why we can't sit down comfortably."

"Len!!" Frank's mouth now hung open just as his brother's had.

Len grinned, content with the success of his revenge plan. 'Hey', he thought. 'Maybe this actually will work.'

A little later, Frank and Len were busy packing their equipment into their "tour bus", which was actually an old van decorated with hand-painted flames and skulls. Looking around and confirming that Scaredy was still talking with the club manager (and signing a few autographs), Len turned to Frank and said, "So, this is kinda weird, huh?"

Frank shrugged. "Hey, we live in a house full where nothing is normal, even in this department. I mean, look at Ruby and Skullboy. They're great together, but not exactly something you see every day."

"Wait...do you think that they...well, you know?"

"Yeah, I'd say so. I mean come on Len, I doubt that even the happiest girl in the world could find a bright side to not ever being able to 'get any.' And Ruby hasn't exactly seemed upset lately."

"Hmm. Good point. So...now that we've got things figured out, any thoughts on who you'd like to share that success with?"

"Len!!"

Laughing, Len pushed closed the door at the back of the van, where they'd just stashed their amp. Yeah, this could work.

Oh dear god, what have I done?!? :D If that permanently melted your brain, I offer my sincerest apologies. But I just felt like it had to be put out there. I mean, someone had to figure out how any ships involving Frank or Len would physically work. XD

P.S. I hope you all enjoyed that blatant RubyxSkullboy reference in the ending bit. I just couldn't resist, they're the most fantastically adorable couple. If you did enjoy it, please write a fanfic about them for me!! Pleaaaasssseeeee? :3