Title: Selfish (Part 7)
Author: Salianne
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~4800
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: Zach's POV.

It was only the third time he had ever been on a plane - which seemed absurd. He looked from his window to his seat mate and wondered if Shaun thought it absurd too.

As if Shaun could read his mind he smiled and grabbed his hand.

"You look nervous." Shaun said as he laced their fingers together in a comforting weave. "It'll all work out."

He couldn't stop the sarcastic chuckle from escaping. "You've met my sister, right?"

Shaun smirked before he raised their linked hands and kissed Zach's fingers. "Trust me, Babe."

He did. He trusted Shaun. He knew this was the right thing to do.

It didn't make it easier.

"I feel bad leaving Cody." That was only part of it. He also felt bad leaving Cody with the impression that this was all going to work out.

When they talked to him about the possibility of being adopted, Cody was beyond enthusiastic. All he wanted, was to be an Andrews. They explained that being an Andrews would mean his Mommy wouldn't be his Mommy anymore. Zach thought his heart would stop beating when he watched his sweet nephew shrug his shoulders and continue to color his Tony the Tiger poster. It was like she didn't even matter in the child's mind.

He knew that was Jeanne's fault.

The fact that she would never know how tragic that moment felt pissed him off.

A gentle squeeze of his hand pulled him from his thoughts.

"Cody's having fun with Zen and Tory will be there on Wednesday and you know how much he adores her, so he's fine."

He tried to lose himself in Shaun's confident gaze, but somewhere in his soul he still felt bad. "Jeanne's his mother..."

"Babe." Shaun cut him off before he could finish.

"I know...but, Shaun..."

"Babe. I'm serious. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

He felt familiar fingers stroking the back of his neck. It was such a calm in his storm.

"What if..." He couldn't get the words out because his lips were consumed by his seat mate.

"Babe..." Shaun's eyes were hard to read. "...hang on a sec."

He watched while his lover stood to dig through the carry-on that was stored in the bin above their seats. When he sat back down he held a folder in one hand. "Here."

"What is it."

"Just look." Shaun smirked.

He opened the folder as gasped. "Shaun?"

"I was going to wait until this was over, but I think now is a better time."

"This is..." He couldn't believe what he was seeing. "...how did you..."

"If you don't want me to use it, I won't. This is just the proof." Shaun explained. "I think it's the perfect cover for the story though."

He could feel his eyes welling and wondered when he had become such a crybaby. "Of course you can use it. I can't believe you would want to though. Shaun..."

"Do you remember the first time you showed this to me?" Shaun asked, his voice gentle and soothing.

"If I remember right, I didn't exactly show you." He would never forget that night.

Shaun smiled at the memory. "You gave up pretty easily."

"Whatever." He nudged his lover.

"You said you drew it one night after Cody was scolded for no apparent reason - that he couldn't sleep in his own room, so he just slept in yours. He never left." Shaun recollected.

"I remember." He touched the image of the book cover for Shaun's new novel. The one he wrote about Cody. The one that would have a cover that graced the image of the sketch that led to their first kiss. "It's the perfect cover for your book. I just can't believe you remembered."

"I'll never forget that night." Shaun wove their fingers together again. "It's the night I let myself fall in love with you."

He couldn't think of a witty comeback for that one.

"Zach." Shaun squeezed his hand. "It's always been you, for Cody. Don't you see that? He never felt safe with her, only you. Why do you think he slept in his own room the first night at the condo? It wasn't because he had a cool room. It was because he knew he was safe in there. Because YOU were there. And she wasn't."

She wasn't. The truth of that was overwhelming. It was something he had thought about but never for too long and never in context of resons-Jeanne-shouldn't-be-Cody's-mother. But Shaun spoke the truth - Cody never felt safe with her. Hell - he never felt safe with her.

"We should frame this." He looked at Shaun and was rendered a little breathless to see his lover so emotional. He couldn't stop himself from leaning into the touch when Shaun cupped his face and whispered in a shaky voice.

"We should."

He almost threw up twice.

Once on the way to the attorney's office.

Once on the drive from the attorney's office to the restaurant where they ate dinner.

Tried to eat dinner.

As soon as the door of their hotel room closed, he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it across the room.

"I need a shower." He felt like he was covered in his sister's apathy. He knew he wasn't sending off the most attractive signals, but he really just needed to feel clean and to feel Shaun and one would not do without the other. "You coming?" It sounded harsh to his own ears and he resigned himself to a quick shower alone because he himself wouldn't respond to that kind of attitude, so why should he expect anything different from Shaun?

He started the shower, stripped and willed himself to not cry. The day had been more disgusting that he anticipated.

And heartbreaking.

The heartbreak was buried underneath layers of anger and guilt and the sticky residue that comes from participating in the bizarre negotiation for something that should never be up for sale to begin with.

He needed to feel better about all of this. He needed to feel...

Before he could finish the thought he felt hands skim across his shoulders.

I need this. I need him. Fuck.

He wasn't sure why Shaun's touch made everything better. He wasn't sure why he felt a million times cleaner with Shaun added to the suds and water and steam. He just knew that without Shaun guiding him through the storm of emotions that swirled within him, he would get lost in them.

And he wasn't sure he would ever be found again.

Part of him wondered why he wasn't mad at Shaun, too. They were both there. They were both trying to reason with the unreasonable. They were both word-smithing legal documents while sitting around a polished mahogany conference table in a lawyer's office in Portland. He and Shaun - together - were putting a price on the life of a child. He and Shaun - together - were maneuvering around his flesh and blood to seal the deal on the rest of Cody's life. He and Shaun - together - watched while his sister was manipulated and controlled by a man who only saw this as an opportunity to cash in on the desperation of the three people sitting in the room with him.

Shaun was part of it, too. So it made no sense that it was only through Shaun that he could gain absolution. Absolved of what, exactly? He wasn't clear on that. All he knew is that something about this was all his fault. He caused this...whatever this was. He failed to...to do something...to meet his obligation...to honor commitments made long ago, before he knew what it meant - before he knew he was agreeing to sacrifice everything for people who sacrificed nothing.

Except Cody. It was really about Cody, right? Cody never had a choice. He was dealt a crap hand when he was stuck with a mother like Jeanne. Everything was for him.

If that were true - why did he feel like he had failed?

"She would be so proud of you."

He heard those words spoken softly into the back of his wet neck. Spoken by the voice of truth and honor. It was only then that he understood why Shaun was so important to his cleansing. It was Shaun - only Shaun - who understood the muck that boiled inside of his soul. It was only Shaun who could wade through the lifetime of sludge that washed over him until he felt like he were drowning and it was only Shaun who could find him and pull him free.

He had come to count on this without realizing it.

He leaned into Shaun's body, closed his eyes, and waited for Shaun to find him.

Shaun tighten his slippery hold before he groped through the sludge with his calm voice. "You're doing what you promised. Your Mom would be so proud. You were still a kid when you made those promises, Zach. When most guys were busy chasing tail and smoking weed from beer can bongs you were taking care of your dying mother and easing her fears by making promises that you didn't even know how to keep. But you figured it out and you kept them. I don't know anyone with that kind of strength and integrity. Makes me wonder sometimes if I'm good enough."

"Shut up." He was always thrown by those kinds of confessions. Why would Shaun ever feel less than worthy to be with someone like him. He pulled away just enough to turn around so he could look his lover in the eyes. "I'm the one who's not good enough."

He felt Shaun and warm water touching every speck of him and something about it felt like a decontamination between the then then and the now.

"We just made a deal with Cody's mother. YOU just agreed to give up an obscene amount of money for her to severe all ties with her son." Saying it out loud was hard. "And she fucking AGREED."

"Private adoption works like that, Zach. It's been done a million times in a million different ways for a million different reasons. What we did today was make sure Cody has the kind of life he deserves. We assured that he has a family that loves him and wants him and cares about what he thinks and feels. We made sure that he has everything he needs to become exactly who he is meant to be. We've secured his future in every way possible, Zach. That's what today was about. Nothing more - nothing less."

He heard the words and he knew Shaun was right but that did nothing to sooth the boiling cauldron. He felt like he was teetering on the edge. Shaun's hands were moving along the surface of his skin - calming, long strokes along the curve of his back that ended with gentle combing of fingers through wet hair. He couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't deserve this. He heard a voice screaming in his head and it wasn't his own. "What about her?"

Once those three words escaped his mouth he felt the lid pop off of his emotional pressure cooker and as the boiling darkness exploded from his psyche he felt the coolness of relief flood in to replace it.

Because that was what this was all about - the promises he made were about more than Cody. He was supposed to take care of all of them. He was supposed to make sure his father took his meds and his sister didn't drink too much. He was supposed to keep her from dating men who hit. He was letting her walk away from her son and he was letting her make choices that were undeniably bad for her.

He was letting her down.

"We're not doing this to hurt her. We never said she wasn't part of our lives. This doesn't change much when you think about it, Babe. It just gives Cody more stability."

He knew it was the truth - but it wasn't meshing with the years of programming. He pushed Shaun away because he suddenly felt undeserving in the most extreme sense of the word. "What about her, though. Who's going to give her more stability?" How can I let myself have this when she's so lost? What makes me better than her? What gives me the right to this kind of happiness?

"Hey." Shaun pulled him back into a tight hold, but this time he made sure they were looking at each other. "Don't."

"Shaun." He tried to slip out of the arms that were wrapped around his shoulders - pinning him into place and giving him no choice but to wrap his own arms around the slim waist of the man who was forcing him to let go of his sister's baggage.

"No. Zach. I'm serious. Don't." Shaun kissed him until he gave in and kissed back. "Stop letting her in. She's your sister, Zach. You're older sister. She should have been the one taking care of YOU - but instead she filled your head with bullshit and took advantage of your love for her son. Cody is lucky to have you and so is Jeanne. She's the one who is making choices, Zach. You're not responsible for that. We will always leave room for her. Always. We will always make sure there is a place for her in Cody's life. She will always be his mother. We will honor that. This isn't about taking anything away from her. This isn't about turning our back on her. This is about giving Cody something better and making sure he only sees the best of her."

"What's going to happen to her?" That was the million dollar question. Without the legal obligation that kept her loosely connected - what would stop her from self-destruction? It was this question that needled him because it made him realize that he - as much as his sister - used Cody as a bargaining chip. It was through Cody that he was given opportunity to give a tiny shred of influence into the irrational world of his sister. After tomorrow - when Jeanne signed away her rights to her child - there was nothing left to hold her to the ground - even if she only held on by a toenail.

"She'll sink or swim, Baby. That's what will happen to her. You'll be there to help pull her out of the water if she needs you. She knows that. You have to let her go, Zach. Let her pass or fail on her own. You can't watch anymore, Babe. It's killing you. Let her go and when she's ready she'll find you."

"I can't just turn my back on her."

"You're not. You're just letting her carry her own load. You're not turning your back on her. She's so lucky to have you." Shaun's voice soothed him.

While he was letting out his boiling emotions, he might as well let them all go. "Alan said we were going to turn Cody into a fag."

"That was random." Shaun smirked a little before he wiped water from his eyes. "Do you think we'll turn Cody into a fag?"

Of course not. "No." Then why can't I get his voice out of my head? "Do you?"

"Did I turn you into a fag?" Shaun asked while he poured shampoo into his palm.

"NO!" The question stung. "I always knew there was...something...I mean it was just that you made me realize...it was already there, you know? I just...I mean I grew up being told that...fuck it."

"So Alan's full of shit and doesn't' know what he's talking about." Shaun reinforced what Zach already knew while he started gently massaging shampoo into Zach's hair.

"I'm sorry. I just heard so much...crap. My whole life. You know?" He relaxed under Shaun's touch. "I guess I'm still trying to purge it all. I have no doubts though..." He suddenly needed to clarify. "...about us. About how I feel. I know I'm gay and I love you, Shaun. It's not about that. I just still struggle with all the misconceptions I was raised to believe."

"Was your mom as racist and homophobic as your sister and Dad?" Shaun was rinsing now, being very careful to keep suds out of Zach's eyes.

"No. I never heard her say shit like that." He was starting to feel better - less crazy. "I don't want Cody to grow up with any of that, you know?"

"We'll have more influence in that regard as his legal parents." Shaun assured him while he scrubbed his skin with the hotel's lemon scented body wash.

The last remaining doubt came out in the form of a question. "Are you sure about this? We haven't been together a year yet and you're ready to adopt a child together?"

Shaun's chuckle was not what he expected to hear. "Babe! I've been loving that kid for over 9 months already. I've cleaned up his messes, suffered through his colds, rocked him through his nightmares, and felt the sting of his wrath when he doesn't get his way. You're seriously asking me if I'm sure?"

He felt himself smiling from the absurdity of it. "Yeah. I'm seriously asking."

"Look at me." Shaun demanded. He opened his eyes and looked into the most serious face of his lover. "I think what you really want to know is if I'm sure of this. You and me. I'll tell you the same thing I've been telling you for what feels like forever - I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I want this for the rest of my life, Babe. That I'm sure of. THAT I'll fight for."

That was the thing - he believed him. Shaun would fight for him. Shaun would fight for Cody. "I'll fight too." He didn't mean to say it out loud, but he was glad he did once he saw the way Shaun's face lit up.

Shaun's smacked him on his wet ass playfully. "Of course you will. Now go to bed so I can get myself as clean as I've gotten you. I'll join you in a few."

After a grateful kiss he did exactly as he was told and wondered how it was that Shaun always knew exactly what he needed. Maybe it was that uncanny ability that made him so sure that Shaun was meant to be - THEY were meant to be.

When he felt Shaun crawl between the crisp sheets, he allowed himself to be pulled into a warm tangle of limbs. Shaun nestled his face into the bend of his neck and it felt safe and real and perfect.

"Tomorrow's going to be hard, too." Shaun warned lovingly. His tone said what his words left unspoken. We're in this together no matter how hard things get.

He shimmied himself a little so he could feel closer to the naked flesh of his lover. "We'll get through it."

"Yes..." He felt the heat from Shaun's relieved sigh float across his collarbone. "...we will."

He was sure that having fantasies about fucking his hot lover in the middle of the It's a Small World ride was inappropriate at best. But that's exactly where his mind was wandering as he floated along with dozens of other families in the antiquated ride that had Cody mesmerized.

Between the two of them, Zach and Shaun had been in this particular ride no less than thirty times. But seeing it through the eyes of Cody made it feel brand new. Something about that caused an emotional lump to build in his throat.

It wasn't the fact that Shaun had planned this little surprise outing that pushed Zach's emotional family moment into pornstar fantasies of he and Shaun grinding against the back of the giant wooden shoe in Holland-land.

It was knowing that this marked the first official Andrews-Family-Outing. Thinking about that made him want to have the first official Mr. and Mr. Andrews-private-time...as private as doing his man pinned against the faux-igloo in the middle the Disneyland's iconic family-friendly ride could be. I'm going to hell.

The day started out simple enough, they were going to the family court to have the adoption officially sworn by a judge. It was more of a formality than anything else. Once the papers were signed and filed in Portland, things were pretty much legal. It was through some legal maneuverings that Zach didn't even try to understand that they were allowed to have a Los Angeles family court judge do the final ceremonial process of the adoption proceedings.

They also took care of a few other little details while they were at it.

As the new family walked from the court house to the parking lot, Shaun dropped the happy-bomb.

"I think this calls for a honeymoon."

Cody looked just as confused as Zach felt. "What?"

"What's a honeymoon?" Cody asked.

"Well..." Shaun stopped to look at Cody. "...when people get married, they are creating a new family. A honeymoon is what they do after the wedding ceremony to sort of seal the deal. It's like taking the first family vacation to celebrate the new family unit."

Cody just looked confused, but Zach was starting to understand what was happening and he almost cried right in the middle of the parking lot.

"So I think this calls for a honeymoon. We're a new family, we just went through a sort-of-ceremony, so let's go on a little family vacation." Shaun's smile was million-watt and beautiful.

"Where?" Cody was starting to understand and sounded excited.

Shaun grabbed his hand and walked the rest of the way to the car. "It's a surprise."

The ear shattering squeal that came from the backseat was all they needed to hear to know that Shaun made the right choice.

They stayed at the Californialand property for two nights so they could really take in the whole of the park. Every morning Cody ate breakfast with the Disney characters and Zach marveled at how everyone treated them like a real family.

Two dads weren't even a blip on the radar. He was starting to think that the way he was raised was the exception, not the rule.

When Mini-Mouse asked Cody what his name was, Cody answered proudly. "Cody Andrews."

He was finally an Andrews and it seemed to fit him so well. It just made sense. All of it - made sense. He looked across the breakfast table and took in the sight of Shaun. He was watching Cody enjoying waffles with Pluto and he looked so happy and proud. Shaun looked at Cody in a way that he had never seen from Jeanne. It made him swell with that bursting feeling that he had never felt before Shaun kissed him on a lounge chair built for two after he showed Zach what it felt like to be understood completely.

Shaun caught him staring and smiled. "You okay, Mr. Andrews?"

Wow. He could feel his whole face heat up from the way it felt to hear those words. "Perfect, Mr. Andrews."

He watched his family from a distance.

He just needed a few minutes to himself to let it all sink in.

Last year at this time, this was a place for him to escape.

He didn't have anything to escape from anymore.

Now, this was a place that held fond memories and hope for a future filled with many more.

This was a place that marked a transition.

The place where he learned how to love himself.

The place he learned to love someone else.

The place he learned to allow someone else to love him.

This is the place where he saw - for the first time - that someone could love Cody as much as he did.

He sat on cool sand and watched love blossom in the brisk morning air.

His family.

Last year that term felt like a noose around his neck. Family meant being stuck and being used and being helpless to change any of it. Family meant never letting himself feel connected - never letting himself acknowledge his truth. Family meant continuing to try to force himself feel more for his best friend than he was capable of feeling - trying to be what he was supposed to be.

Family meant never being happy.

He didn't even know what happy felt like.

In only one year it all changed.

Shaun changed it - for all of them.

Though he knew that if he were to ask Shaun - he would insist that Zach was the one who was responsible for the happiness they all enjoyed now.

Whatever.

He watched with wonder as Cody chase the newest member of the family.

Lester was the weirdest name for a dog, but Cody insisted.

Cody loved that little dog.

He watched as the dog looked over his little shoulder to make sure his friend was still there, and Cody chased him to the edge of the waves before they both stopped and turned while the water chased them both back.

When Cody fell, Lester pounced - licking him all over.

Cody's laughter filled the deserted beach with the happiest sound he had ever heard.

"Babe!" He turned toward the sound of his lover's voice just in time to catch the frisbee. "You planning on sitting there all day?"

"Is that a challenge, Old Man?" He stood when he heard the laughter of his man float through the air. He tossed the frisbee back to Shaun before he trotted onto the beach to join his family.

My family.

It no longer felt like a noose.

Now, it felt like something he couldn't live without.

When they were planning their first family summer vacation there was no question that they would spend the week here.

This was where it all began for them.

This was the only place that made sense.

The water was still too cold to get in - well, too cold for Cody to get in - so they spent the afternoon practicing board technique on the sand before engaging in a solid game of keep-the-frisbee-away-from-Cody - which soon became keep-the-frisbee-away-from-Lester - until they fell into a pile when the game suddenly became take-the-frisbee-away-from-Shaun. He heard Cody squeal "Daddy!" when Shaun started tickling - and the sound of it cause his breath to catch in his throat.

It was just one more layer of happy.

He wasn't sure when it started. It was startling in a way - how unaffected Cody was by the adoption. After the "honeymoon" life just continued on as if nothing had happened.

It took Zach a few weeks to STOP being affected. He lost count of how many times he said Zach Andrews out loud just to remind himself that it was real.

Zach Andrews.

Then one day Cody was eating pancakes and he looked at Shaun and said, "Can I have more, Daddy?"

Shaun just said, "Of course, Sport," and plopped another pancake on his plate.

He was stunned to say the least - not only that Cody had just called Shaun Daddy, but that Shaun appeared to be used to it. He asked Shaun later when it had started.

Shaun flipped the calendar back a month and placed his finger on the date that was now marked with a heart surrounding two letters: FD. "Father's Day," is all Shaun said and that was really all that needed to be said.

"Let's head in so we can get ready for fireworks." He held his had out for Shaun and pulled him from the sand and into a comfortable embrace - the kind of gesture shared by two people who found contentment in each other.

Shaun's fingers brushed along his cheek before he kissed him. "Picnic still sound good?"

"Perfect." Everything about today is perfect. He turned to Cody and smiled when he saw the boy grinning up at them. "Let's go, Codes."

"Can Lester go to fireworks too, Dad?"

Dad. Wow. He wasn't sure when that started either. Cody worked it all out on his own. Dad and Daddy. It was amazing. "Lester probably wouldn't like the noise, so let's leave him home tonight.

"Okay." Cody didn't argue. He rarely argued. Cody was a nearly perfect child in so many ways.

He'd like to think that he was a big reason why.

And Shaun of course.

He watched Cody struggle with his board and thought it was adorable. He grabbed the his own board before he took hold of Cody's. "Race ya to the house, Codes."

Cody squealed with delight, Lester barked, and they all ran toward the place where their story began.

Or maybe it was the place where their quest for belonging ended.

And as he watched Shaun run past...

"You're not gonna let some old guy win, are ya?"

...he realized that is was both.

~FIN~

I hope you enjoyed reading this as uch as I enjoyed writing it.