MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE

CHAPTER 1

BEHIND A MASK OF FLUFF

Author's notes- ((Thoughts Are In Italics. As are stressed words. Each chapter contains the events of the corresponding Lucky Star episode as told by Miyuki, so this chapter is episode 1. This version you're now reading is a more polished, more in depth, and smarter Miyuki. I added further explanations to her family, past friends, and how she met Tsukasa and Konata.))

FORWARD…

As a final assignment for the class I spent the three years of my high school life in, Miss Nanako Kuroi assigned us an essay. The prompt was vague and simple, 'Describe your overall high school experience'. While I wrote it as anyone would expect Takara Miyuki to do so, it did prompt some thinking on my part. The entirety of those years was spent with me living a façade of sorts, masking my innermost personality and thoughts with the greatest of guile. It was difficult, stressful, and I thought I couldn't keep doing it, but I somehow managed. Now that this is all over…I decided to write it all down for anyone interested in reading to read. By the time anyone I knew from that school reads this, I will be long gone and out of contact with them.

ENTER MIYUKI

YEAR 1 PART ONE OF 24

Beep beep beep.

No, shut up beeping noise.

Beep beep beep

Go away beeping noise. No one likes you!

Beep beep beep

Okay that does it. Feel the full fury of the snooze button! I mashed my hand down several times on the beeping alarm clock with all the fury my tired body could muster.

"Why!" beep "Won't!" beep "You!" beep "Stop!" beep "BEEPING!" Oops. I winced as my fist smashed in the casing of the alarm clock and left a sizable crack across the LED screen. The beeping had stopped, so the damage to the 35,000 yen alarm clock was worth it. Pocket change, really. The time was still visible, it was 10am. I was supposed to be up for school four hours ago. I wondered if I could just not go to school that day. The school year had barely started, and I already had perfect grades in every class, so I could probably miss a day, week, month, and not really fall behind. No, then that girl Tsukasa would text wondering if I was dead or not. I could probably say that I was, and she'd believe me. She once texted me out of worry when I was in the bathroom too long.

No wait, I was still on parole. They could expel me if I missed a day of school without a doctor's note. This was a reminder of why I shouldn't try and steal computers from my old junior high on the last day. I had almost gotten away with it.

I walked down stairs after begrudgingly putting on my sailor fuku. I hated that thing because of how tight around the chest was. I think they were designed for boys, but I couldn't be sure. It was hard for me to decide what to have for breakfast.

Toast…alcohol…toast…alcohol… Nah, I'll go with neither. It's a good idea to wait until my parole blows over next month before I start drinking again. All the money in Daddy's massive bank account can't save me if they catch me hauling away computers drunk again. Can certainly take a number off the sentence though, which makes it a worth risk.

Ryouko High made me mad because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. Sure it was a 'nice' school and you needed half a brain to pass the entrance exams, but I could have skipped onto college after junior high with all the exams I aced. See, mother was deeply afraid I was going to become like Daddy. Daddy had skipped high school as well, became rich, but was something of a sociopath who owned the EPA millions of USD for shooting a panda during his trip in China. See, he knew that friends and social development weren't important, and his company had enough money to compete with major global businesses like Shell and that company that makes Etch 'N Sketches. However, Mother firmly enrolled me to go to poor people that I would gladly emancipate via poisonous gas if given the chance. This is why I wanted to study viral weaponry as my major.

It got worse when she wouldn't let me go to school in Tokyo with my cousin Sakamoto. That school had even more poor people! Apparently it was the only school Sakamoto could get into, and Daddy had worked hard to get her in there. Man, it's really hard to find opportunities for someone who was convicted for murder.

Oh Sakamoto you rascally rascal you…

As I boarded the late train, which smelled like homeless people, I began wondering why I didn't have an elephant. I was rich enough to get one from Asia or Kenya. Asia was probably a safer bet because those ones would be used to being around a lot of people, especially if I got one from India. If I recalled right, the going rate for an elephant was like 100k yen at least, and that doesn't include the feeding, permit, and cost to get the thing over here. I'd probably train it to knock all those stupid cars off the road as I rode to school on it. The police wouldn't do anything because it's a damn elephant! What are they going to do? It could eat them! I could probably use it to rob ocean liners too. Well, I knew what was going on my Christmas list this year. Last year I had mother get me a porcupine named Prickly Pete. We don't talk about him.

Yeah, I could get to school so much faster on an elephant.

I made it to school after a quick stop to get some churros and coffee since lunch was about to start anyway. I could only wonder if anyone even noticed that I showed up for school a couple hours late again. I know my parole officer wouldn't like that, but I could just say the train derailed on the way to school again. That Narumi would believe anything.

On my way to class I passed an open door to a club room.

Oh no, not those people again. Man, what are they doing in there?

Inside I could see several students in a kimonos sitting around a low table and drinking tea from stone cups. I stood there for a minute, covertly watching. Nobody said anything. It was class time too, and these people were doing…something…

Tea Ceremony Club, who knows what those freaks are up to.

So I managed to wander my way into class without a school bag, or anyone even noticing me being late. There I saw the two girls who had made their way into my 'friend' crowd. My friend crowd in junior high had been another rich girl named Tsumugi, this girl who never talked named Sakaki, and this girl who I thought was literally retarded named Run.

Here we had Tsukasa Hiiragi- The younger of the two Hiiragi sisters who were apparently twins. This little girl confused me because I couldn't tell if she was just a pants-on-head retard, or creepy sexual deviant. Everything she said either made me feel tired, or kind of sickened, or confused because I couldn't decide which. Either she was a master of sexual innuendos, or I had a warped mind. It was probably the former since I was pretty much a genius with an IQ of nearly 180. Tsukasa had short lilac haired with this adorable yellow ribbon in it.

I wonder how I could get that ribbon without her noticing…I could probably take it off her when we're alone and strangle her with it. I don't need to kill her, just deprive her of enough oxygen to give her brain damage so she can't say it was me who did it. Wait, no, that only works on babies. Damn it, this is going to be harder than I thought.

Next was the growth stunted Otaku, Konata Izumi. If there was anyone who ever needed a brick thrown at her, this was it. Now, Konata was something of a 'sociopath' in my eyes. I had only known her for a short while since school started and she had found it in her liking to routinely harass me about my wealth and breast size. She was flat chested and poor, and therefore deserved less rights than I did, but that didn't mean she had to be rude about it! She also had blue hair down to her ankles and lips shaped the English number 3. Both of which bothered me.

Lunch had just started and I had managed to avoid detection. My teacher, Kuroi, waved at me, but didn't come throwing rocks at me for being late. From my desk, I could hear Konata eating her chocolate cornet. Not see, but hear.

Oh no, she's doing that thing when she bites into one end and the chocolate spills out the other, so she licks up the chocolate. This goes on for like ten minutes until the chocolate stains everything. I hate it when she does this because she slurps so damn loud!

I walked over and went to amend this situation.

"Um, you know…" I began in the most innocent voice I could muster, she glared at me with what could have only been menace in her eyes.

No hello Miyuki or anything like that. Ungrateful prick. You should be jumping with joy to see me.

"…There's another way to eat it. Tear off the thin end and dip it into the chocolate cream on the fat end."

You know, in a way that doesn't make everyone around you grit their teeth in annoyance.

She bit down on the coronet and made a disgusting noise like she was trying to say something. Tsukasa giggled in the background.

"Good idea!" She praised.

Damn right it's a good idea, took me three years to figure that out. In fact I should charge you each 50,000 yen for that, but I'm a nice person. Man, the things I do for people around here.

Not even a minute later I learned she also drank liquids like a child. Soon she was jugging away at a bottle of milk as loudly as she could. "It figures you'd know that…" She began while smiling at me.

What do you mean it figures! It that's a remark about my weight then I swear to god I'll hit you with a brick. Sakamoto got away with murder, I can to. No, wait, she had motive to do it since she claimed that tourist was trying to rape her… Also what the hell is wrong with your lips? It's like they form an upside down three. I guess generations of inbreeding pay off. I'm in a pissy mood today…

"…You're so smart Miyuki-san."

Good to know you figured it out. Also don't call me "san". You haven't earned the right yet.

"Well not really." I said modestly, Yes really actually. "Everyone has their own way of eating one."

Just yours is incorrect.

"How about cream puffs? How do you eat them?" Konata asked.

How do I what? I knew I was getting set up for something, now's she's going to drag me into some endless conversation about nothing. And I know this is going to end in some bad Haruhi joke. Konata LOVED The Melon-derpy of Haruhi Suzumiya and hailed it as the most ingenious piece of audio visual ever.

"How do I eat a creampuff?" I repeated and held up a creampuff that miraculously appeared in my hands. Okay, I wasn't holding this before…that's not creepy or anything. Today has just been weird with a size order of strange. This probably has to deal with those Tea Ceremony kids. Freaking cultists.

"…That's easy, I split it in half horizontally then I take the top half and dip it into the cream in the bottom part. Then when most of the cream is gone, I start eating the bottom. I find that if I eat it that way it stops the cream from spurting out and I can have equal amounts of cream and pastry in each bite."

"Huh…" Konata said in amazement. That's right, bask in the glory that is my cream puff eating.

"What do you do about the ones that have both custard and cream?" Tsukasa asked. "Do you have a system to eat those? Do you mix the flavors together?"

And of course neither of you could let this subject go. "Hey let's all interrogate Miyuki about her food eating habits, then maybe her greatness will rub off on us!" Sorry, it doesn't work that way. See, I use this thing called common sense and a heavy regiment of over the counter drugs. Neither of which you two have readily available.

"No, I don't have a system for those per say." Then I realized a fault in Tsukasa's question. Which by no means is a difficult task for anything this girl says. "Wait…how exactly does one mix the flavors?"

"Uh…Just asking." She replied happily. Trying to test me eh? I saw through your little ploy. Not only do they interrogate me about trivial things, but test me? Is it any wonder that neither of these girls are friends with anyone else in this class? I wouldn't call them my friends because they just came up to me and started talking on the first day of school. I think Konata wants to have sex with me.

"When do you eat the strawberry on a strawberry shortcake, or a chestnut on top of a montblonc?" Konata asked again. They're not going to let me leave are they? I'm not going to be able to just go sit down and finish my book am I? I just bought the Da Vinci Code. Let me read it!

"Let's see now…" I began and held up a slice of strawberry shortcake I know for a fact I wasn't holding this before…Well that's just great, someone in the class is a goddamned necromancer. It's those Tea Ceremony kids! I knew they were up to something!

"…It depends on the amount of strawberries that are sandwiched between the layers of sponge cake. With the strawberries, the whipped cream, and the sponge cake; I pace it so I can get a bit in each and every bite. So getting to the strawberry on the top of the cake is always different for me."

Which is more action than either of you will ever get in your entire sex lives. That's right, me eating a strawberry shortcake. It's like a strawberry adventure with whipped cream surprise! HOORAH! I thought that in the voice of an angry African American man, so you should too.

"Hmm…" Konata hummed, "That's a solid move." Once again, of course it is. I'm like food eating method Jesus or something. Except I don't want to get crucified for my radical ideas by Romans. Those Tea Ceremony kids aren't Roman, are they? They LOOKED Japanese, but you can't tell with their kind.

"When I eat it, I always save the strawberry on top for last." Tsukasa added,"Sometimes I get so full I can't eat it…"

Off of one slice of cake? What do you only weigh 70 pounds or something? I once ate an entire rack of dog ribs once by myself since my neighbor and best friend, Minami, refused to have any. What a baby.

"And other times someone in my family comes and takes it away." Like Kagami, because she's fat and eats everyone's food. That's why we confine her to the OTHER classroom with Misao. That's where she belongs. They're both like dogs when it comes to food.

"That's why you should always eat your favorite part first." Konata interrupted. Or follow my genius method.

"Come to think of it, I've never seen anyone take Kagami's strawberry away from her." Tsukasa thought out loud.

I did once, she bit my fucking hand and gave me tetanus. Not. Very. Cool. Or was that Sakamoto's pet raccoon, Ringo? I can't remember.

"That's Kagami for you, she's sharp." Konata agreed.

Yeah she is, you should have seen the gash her bite left. God forbid Misao ever bites you. Which, judging by her intelligence, isn't that unlikely. It had to have been Kagami that bit me, because Ringo's a raccoon and raccoons have tiny teeth. When did I eat lunch with Kagami?

"Here's one!" Tsukasa exclaimed Way to go Konata. You just HAD to include her. "Can you eat the very last bite of an ice pop without dropping it?"

Umm yessss. You know what, you just lost another 5 Miyuki Favor Points. That puts you down at 5. Konata is at 12, Kagami is at 13, and I'm at 13,527. In fact I just gained another 120 Miyuki Favor Points, go me! It took me awhile to get a fair system down for the MFP system, but I think it's all worked out. Mother has about 400 points after she lost all of them for enrolling me here. Minami has about 1,200 and is slowly climbing after she let me ride Cherry around her backyard interrupted for about four hours. I love that dog.

"Wait you drop it?" I asked kindly trying not to laugh at her. It was a good thing I took that acting class last year. I made a good Romeo though, even if I wasn't actually supposed to kiss Juliet in the play. To make it more real, I tried to put poison on my lips, but ended up swallowing it all. It didn't make me sick though, just hallucinate.

"I you don't eat it the right way…" Tsukasa answered and held up an ice pop with only tiny bit left in the middle. She took a bite of half it and the other half slid off."…It falls off doesn't it?"

Wait, where did you even get that? Are you part of the Tea Ceremony Club? And how did you even drop that too? Only you Tsukasa…only you…

"Yes." I pretended to agree.

"How do you it Kona-chan?" She proceeded to ask the blunette. That word is copyrighted to me, Miyuki.

"I suck it off the stick." Konata replied matter-of-factly.

Huh, I bet you do. I need to get my mind out of the gutter.

"Oh!" Tsukasa said in amazement. I doubted that her answer was giving us both the same mental pictures.

"Or maybe you could turn it around while you eat it, like this." I suggested and twirled my fingers like a spit roast.

But then Konata couldn't live out her desperate fantasies with Frosty the Snowman. Speaking of which, just how the fuck is that a kid's movie? The snowman comes to life through Tea Ceremony witchcraft from magical hat, which I'll remind everyone was STOLEN. Then he kidnaps this little girl and takes her to the NORTH POLE where she nearly freezes to death. Frosty melts, comes back to life, and demands more birthdays. What a movie, Romeo Muller, what a movie.

"That's a good idea!" Tsukasa said again. Once again, of course it is.

"And then there's soft serve ice cream which I'm not very fond of." I added, this was my first real chance to rant about something in a long while.

"What's wrong with it?" Tsukasa asked, she was perplexed by the fact that some things actually bothered me. Most notably you two!

"I hate how you're always left with an empty cone at the end of it." I answered. At least I can just give the empty cones to my neighbors dog. It screws up her diet but I don't think Minami notices. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

"You're right. There's never any ice cream left, just an empty cone." Tsukasa agreed and held up an empty cone. I also seemed to be holding one.

The Tea Ceremony cultists are going to receive a little visit from the 'vandalism fairy' when I learn their addresses. My bricks have been itching to be thrown through a window for weeks now.

"I try to push the ice cream further and further down as I eat it." Konata added and started making an obscene gesture with an ice cream cone of her own.

Really Konata, really?

"But how in the world do you do that?" I asked with my palm against my chin.

"While I eat I do a push and shove thing." She told me and motioned her hand like she was doing some questionable act to an invisible person.

If you weren't a lonely basement dweller, I'd be sure that you were the schools biggest whore. I mean, it's one thing to do a hand motion like that, but to say 'push and shove motion'?

"A push and shove thing?" I speculated. And Tsukasa is friends with you why?

"You try to balance everything out, don't you?" Tsukasa asked cheerfully.

"I suppose." I shrugged. That was arguable, but I believed it was more of trying to be the absolute best at everything I needed to be. I was still worried if I could get into a good university with a school like this on my resume.

"Here's another one, how do you eat curried rice? Do you mix the curry with the rice?" Konata asked. Now's is the point where I tell them that I'm bleeding profusely from my lady-bits and need to be excused, because this just getting stupid.

"No, but I do try to have equal amounts of curry and rice left over for my last bite." I explained.

Seriously, curry and rice Konata. CURRY AND RICE? Next she'll be asking me which shoe I put on first.

"I like mixing it up, how do you like to eat it?" Tsukasa asked Konata.

"It all depends on the curry, if I pour some sauce on it or drop a raw egg on top, then I mix it up."

Christ, I HATE it when people do that. At our last family outing, Sakamoto dumped her sister Satsuki's plate over for doing that. Satsuki was cool, but she thought she was a Viking sometimes and was really weird. She was only a year younger than us. But in all seriousness, raw egg on rice is about as disgusting as it gets.

"You put sauce on curry?" Tsukasa asked like Konata had just admitted to statutory rape. Wait a second…You question the sauce but not the raw egg? Am I the only sane person around here?

"Yeah it's tasty." Konata replied.

Yeah sauce is just fine, but eggs? And just what kind of sauce are we talking about? Oh…god…Okay I'll just ask if she puts the "sauce" on the "fried eggs" , she's an otaku, she has to know that that means. I go on 2chan, I know the innuendos.

"Do you put sauce on fried eggs too?" I asked barely managing to keep a straight face.

"Nope. I put soy sauce on fried eggs." She answered.

So now I know for a fact that she is indeed the schools biggest whore. Figures that one of the three girls who talks to me is a massive whore, and the other an idiot. This further escalated my theory that God personally hated me. I mean, I DO support Varg Vickernes and his endeavors, but does God have to be such a douche weasel about it? I hate most of the stuff in his agenda, but I don't interfere with his life.

"Oh…" Tsukasa said, obviously not understanding Konata's horrible confession. "When I do that I use mayonnaise."

Tsukasa do you have any idea what the hell you just said? Wait, I was wrong you do know what we were talking about. You know what, I'm telling Kagami about this. Kagami will tell her dad and we'll just see how well she works as a Miko after that! These two…the Tea Ceremony cultists… I've barely been here a month and feel like I'm surrounded by freaks.

"Mayonnaise on fried eggs, but not hard boiled eggs?" I asked, it was time to see just what kind of stuff Tsukasa was into.

"Mhm." Tsukasa admitted"You know mayonnaise is good with pretty much every egg dish."

Does she have to pay people to do that or just find junkies so whacked out on heroin they don't know what they're doing? This stuff makes me wonder how fetishists are able to get their fixes from videos. Like 2girls 1cup for example, perfect example. How long did it take the director to find a cast of girls willing to do that? Did he have to bribe them drugs and candy? Come to think of it, I'd totally do that for drugs and candy.

"You put it on curry too?" Konata asked. At least she knows what's going on. Man Tsukasa probably has no idea that we caught on. She probably goes around telling people this and it goes right over their heads. Not me imouto, not me.

"Mhm, I put mayo on white rice…"

Wait that doesn't mean anything…Hold on is she talking about food again…Who the fuck puts mayo on white rice? Forgive my English use of vulgarities but that's almost as bad as the thing with the raw egg. I hope Sakamoto and her don't ever meet, because Sakamoto would probably kill her over that…Huh, making a joke about someone who has actually killed someone before feels kind of spooky.

"…on beef balls…"

And your family just lets you smother everything with mayonnaise, enjoy having clogged arteries at age twenty. When Kagami stops monitoring her diet, she is going to get so fat.

"…it goes good with that sweet broth. Oh, and on parent bowls too!"

No it doesn't go good with any of those! Why not just eat it straight of the jar?

"…You know how the chickens the parent and the eggs the child?" She kept going.

This is why we don't include her Konata. You see? YOU SEE?

"…and how mayonnaise is made from eggs too? I just put but a little blob of it on top and I call that the relative bowl!"

So this is what Tsukasa does on her free time? And Kagami is related to her? Kagami talks about normal teenage crap, like how much of a fat monstrosity she is. Tsukasa on the other hand babbling on about having a threesome in the snow with a koala bear and smothering mayonnaise on whatever her little fingers can find.

"…and I used to really hate nato beans."

Don't diss the beans fool!

"…but if I put some mayonnaise on them I can eat them.

"How DARE you pervert my beans!"

"Ugh, I can't image that." Konata bleched. At least you're still slightly sane. Or at least not retarded.

"But the tastiest thing has to be when you put some mayonnaise right on top of some soft boiled eggs!" Tsukasa finally finished.

Do you get naked and slather yourself in that stuff? You do, don't you? Then you put pictures of it on 2chan's /b/ and let all the forty year-old neck beards get off to it. Because if you don't, you should, because there's a market for it. Heck, I'd pay to see that.

"Even the fried eggs are half cooked at my house." Konata said out of nowhere. Wooptydoo? What do you want, a medal? Enjoy your salmonella.

"Really?" Tsukasa asked like it was her mayonnaise fetish was perfectly fine.

"Yep that's just how my dad likes his eggs." Konata answered, Gross. "I guess it's because he always liked to suck on the yolk. So if you fry the egg to much then the yolk gets to hard, then my dad can't suck the yolk out."

I doubt he does much yolk-sucking these days, if you catch my drift. Oh that's right, Konata's mom is like, dead. Huh, I wonder if she blew her brains out with something like .45. If she did, I could bribe my parole officer with cake and lies and then maybe she'd let me see the photos. Police keep records of this stuff because it would have started an investigation when they found her corpse. Enough murders are staged as suicide so they have to.

"So, how do you eat chicken skewers?" Tsukasa asked, bringing us further down this downward spiral of a conversation. I really wasn't paying attention.

"What do you mean how?" Konata replied. Once again Tsukasa asked another vague question.

"Do you eat it right off the skewer? Or do you pull it off with chopsticks?" Tsukasa explained.

Why the hell does it matter, I hardly ever eat those anyways! Why does any of this matter? When I enrolled here, they asked for my religion. I couldn't put 'nihilist' so I checked in Scientology. I think that made Mother cry.

"Let me see…" I began to reply pleasantly. My sanity was draining and I was doing my best not to show it. "…When I'm alone I'll eat it off the skewer, but when I'm eating in public or with company, I'll use chopsticks to pull it off."

Just like everyone else who has a shred of decency. Not like you Tsukasa, you dirty koala fucker. Those are two words I should never have to use in the same sentense. Kind of like 'tea' and 'cultist'.

"Yeah and don't you feel weird when there's only one piece left on the plate?" Tsukasa added in.

"Yes the last bite certainly makes things awkward at the table." I lied to make her feel better. It was all part of the act…all part of the act.

I should have stayed home. Getting expelled would have been more preferable to this. I could probably just pay my way into those university exams and pass. Viral weaponry is a fledgling field, they need all the scientists they can get. Only problem is my outstanding juvenile criminal record. I think that goes away when I turn 18 though.

"And then it gets later and later and no one eats it." Konata grimly relayed to us. "It gets all dry and stale and it's not looking so tasty and no one really wants to eat it, but they don't want to say anything. Then the waiter comes over to take the plate and then you're like 'whoa we're still eating that!' In the end we all go home without eating that last bite…"

"Oh, that's such a waste." I said quietly.

Seriously Konata there's starving kids in Indiana or something. Doesn't matter though, because poor people aren't actually people.

"I feel sorry for it…" Tsukasa gloomed.

Too bad it's not a living creature anymore. Idiot. Tsukasa is probably the one who feels bad when she sees wrapping paper torn up.

"Oh! With Korean barbeque, I feel sorry for the meat that's left on the grill that turns to charcoal." Tsukasa blurted out randomly.

Once again, it doesn't have feelings. Your sympathy is wasted. If anything you should feel bad for the food you choke to death with mayonnaise. I'd be pretty unhappy if you dunked my beautiful pink hair into a vat of mayonnaise. In fact, I would promptly drown you if you did that. Nobody would suspect me because you're stupid enough to drown in some like that.

"Well at a Korean barbeque you're always eating and chatting at the same time. So you get a little distracted." I explained, maybe that would make Tsukasa shut her little mouth for two seconds. If she goes on another spiel about her disgusting eating habit I'm going to crack her head open with a brick. Bricks are the only friends I need.

"And when you're grilling beef tongue with green onions that cooks really fast!" Konata said happily. Another random bit of stupid trivia? Is this all you two do? Just say random things then agree with each other?

"Oh you're so right! It's already done cooking by the time you flip it over, isn't it?" Tsukasa cheerfully agreed. Yep, I was right.

"Wait you flip it over?" Konata asked skeptically. Is this another innuendo? If so I don't get this one; and I get everything.

"Huh?" Tsukasa said in surprise that Konata called out her horrible food habits. Although I don't get Konata's issue with this…

"You flip it over?" Konata asked grimly again. Tsukasa nodded happily. "You should never flip beef tongue with green onions."

Then the other side doesn't cook. Enjoy your salmonella. I get the feeling that Konata has spent more time vomiting from food poisoning than the combined history of universal vomiting from everyone in this room combined.

"Why shouldn't I flip it?" Tsukasa asked curiously. Because that would make sense, and in the world of the Otaku nothing is allowed to make sense. Or have conflict or plot.

"Because if you flip it over all the green onions will fall into the grill!" The little thing explained.

Yeah, too bad those are a condiment you put on afterwards.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Tsukasa realized glumly. She isn't right, god you're such a tool Tsukasa!

"You don't need to flip it over at all!" Konata said trying to justify her pathetic stance, "You roast it on one side and the heat cooks it all the way through."

Except one side is nearly burnt and the other is half cooked. Yeah, sounds pretty damn yummy to me.

"I get it, I guess I'll do that from now on." Tsukasa said giving in. Jeeze you can be convinced to do anything can't you? "Hey Tsukasa, climb up and tie those electrified telephone wires around your neck. They'll make you taller!"

"Absolutely, positively never flip it." Konata repeated.

You're flunking like every subject so I'd sooner take advice from Cherry talking to me on an acid trip than you. Which that did actually happen once, except it wasn't an acid trip. It was after that time I cannon balled into my upstairs bathtub and fell through the floor. They gave me some painkillers and I took way more than I should; then I had this creepy dream where Cherry was telling me to kill and eat my family. I declined though, but it seemed like something Sakamoto would do.

"Never flip it…" I said like what she said was smart.

"Ever."

"Huh…" Tsukasa breathed out.

"Oh!" Konata said after a moment of silence. "Which end of a Chocolate Coronet is the head? The fat end or the skinny end?" For some reason Tsukasa jumped like she had been subjected to a surprise cavity search.

I don't remember all the details after that but that was the gist of 90% of the conversations I was dragged into. In a way it was fun being all nice and elegant but it took a toll on my sanity after awhile. However, they would never leave me alone! I remember another case where I was just looking at my standing in the class. I believe I was at number three, behind two basement dwellers who spent their lives studying. I would have been number one if I hadn't returned a pile of ashes to Kuroi for my test. Protest through fire. The test was stupid, so I refused to do it and made a statement. She didn't understand.

"You're amazing, you're always at the top of the class." Konata complimented. She was making fun of me.

"Huh?" I murmured then turned to meet the blue haired parasite of my class.

"Don't you have any faults Miyuki-san?" She asked.

No, no I don't. Once again don't call me Miyuki-san, you still need another 8 Miyuki Favor Points to address me by my name. Until then I am to be called Miyuki, Grand Dragon Master of the Five Seasonal Winds.

"It's a little embarrassing, but I tend to think about things a little too much." I said modestly and eye-smiled for an added cute look. Because thinking is all I really have at this point. "So much that I end up spacing out." Occasionally, not as bad as Tsukasa though.

"I sometimes cut my finger using the veggie-slicer." I added.

Which hurts. And bleeds. A lot.

"…Sometimes I'll trip on my feet and fall down…"

That's because these school uniform shoes hardly count as shoes. More like encumbering foot weights. And I thought the point of corsets was to make my boobs look bigger, not compress them!

"…Or a corner of my tote bag will get caught in the train's door."

Because that conductor does that to me on purpose. I'm going to find where he lives and break all his windows one day…one day…

"Wow!" Tsukasa said sympathetically.

Maybe that you know I'm not superhuman you'll leave me alone.

"Whoa hold it!" Konata said sternly and held up her index finger. "Miyuki-san, those aren't faults. People call those moe points!"

"Moe points?" I said trying to get the word right. That was the first time I had heard that dreaded word.

I don't want to know what this means. I really don't want to know what this means because I know I'm not going to like it.

"Clumsy is sexy." She added.

Great, you're an idiot who wont leave me alone and you're also horny for me. Why exactly did my Mother force me into this school? If Konata gives me some STD, I'll make sure Mother gets it too. Wait, that came out wrong.

"Kona-chan, what have you been thinking this whole time!" Tsukasa gasped.

She's been fantasizing about a four way beaver bump between us and Kagami. Once again. Not. Very. Cool.

"How come you wear glasses?" Konata asked out of nowhere. "I mean you're really pretty but you can only feel to a tiny section of the fan base."

Because I have poor vision. Sorry, but I refuse to believe you're THAT stupid.

"Feel to…" Tsukasa giggled.

Shut up you.

"…Besides the whole popularity thing, don't glasses actually make your vision worse?"

What popularity thing? There is no popularity thing going on! And yes I know it makes my vision worse but I like my glasses, you don't see me criticizing your stupid bow! Hey Tsukasa besides the whole popularity thing, don't bows give you AIDs? Konata's give you AIDs too! In fact, I'm sure that the Tea Ceremony club is finding new ways to give EVERYONE AIDs. Wait, wasn't my dream to become a viral weapon designer to do just that…Those bastards are stealing my ideas!

"…How come you never switched to wearing contacts?" She finished.

Because sticking a thin piece of gel in my eyes is painful.

"Well it's a little embarrassing to admit now that I'm in high school…but…" I turned my head and said, I turned back to them and placed my hands on my chest. "…I suppose you could say I'm afraid of contact lenses! Actually I'm pretty scared to put anything into my eyes. I can't even open my eyes underwater."

Pool water at least, but that's hardly water, more like bleach with some traces of H2O. Especially here after all those radiation scares popping up lately in the water. Bleach doesn't filter out radiation though.

Konata stared at me like she was frustrated somehow. Probably frustrated at how awesome I was.

Besides stupid conversations, these girls would even stalk me. Not kidding either. I expected it from the Tea Ceremony cultists, but friends!

Later that day I was passing through town to buy some new guitar strings. I passed by Yoshimizu Optometrist, the place where I get my eyes checked, when I noticed some hornets were tailing me. Keep in mind hornets are not so much of insects as they are tiny gods. Merciless gods with pointy stingers that hurt and make you itch really bad.

I paced quietly and tried not to make any sudden movements. My hope was that they would loose interest and fly off. They were getting a little too close for comfort and I accidentally walked into a mailbox. That hurt…really bad. I glance over and guess who's watching me from across the street? Tsukasa and Konata with stupid little grins on their faces. At that point I broke moral and made a run for it.

Then the next day they walk up to me in class like I didn't know they were stalking me. They started asking something about the difference between colds and flu's. More stupid stuff they could have just looked up on their own…or bothered Kuroi for once.

"Oh? The difference between influenza and a cold?" I said, repeating the question. Because that's what you were supposed to do on essay questions in tests.

Flu's are like colds on steroids.

Konata nodded her head up in down in excitement.

You get excited over this? Seriously, I hope no one ever gives you coffee. I want coffee.

"Let me see now…" I began. I needed a second to get my wiki brain working. "Influenza is a viral illness with many symptoms such as fever and muscle aches. If not treated there's a risk of more serious complications. On the other hand the symptoms of a cold are a sore throat and runny nose, and the fever doesn't run as high. Those are just a few of symptoms that differ from the flu's."

"Huh…" Konata muttered, clearly not impressed.

I just gave you the kind of answer that gives me such a high standing in class. What more do you want from me! Besides sex and coffee, because I can't have those either. Okay Konata, you provide the coffee and I'll provide the sex. Deal?

"So to answer your question, yes they are different illnesses." I finished.

How could you not have known that?

Konata looked even more pissed off now.

Yes you're wrong. Everything you say is wrong, get used to it. Minami is used to it, Cherry is used to it, so why can't you be used to it?

I then thought of a way to make this little crybaby feel better. "Oh, but then again, colds and flu's do share many common traits! I guess one could say that a flu is sort of a scaled up version of a cold." I said cheerfully.

Her proverbial rain cloud disappeared and her eyes shined like stars. "I knew it!" Then why did you come to me. What's the third rule of dealing with Miyuki? Don't bother Miyuki! While we're at it, let's go over rules one and two. They're both "Do not talk about Miyuki." Which I see you doing in the halls!

At this point you're no doubt wondering… "Okay, enough about them Miyuki. What about Kagami? Where does she fit into all of this?" Kagami was the lesser of the three evils. She certainly had her faults but wasn't nearly as irritating as her sister or Konata. Her main issue was her constant bitchiness about everything Konata did and her weight. I never understood why her and Konata were friends if they just argued all day about stupid stuff. At least Konata and Tsukasa agreed on things.

My parole hearing could not come soon enough. I felt stupid for getting caught trying to steal those computers, but they were brand new machines that the school had just bought. Everything was harder when I tried to steal stuff. Everything.

TO BE CONTINUED…