Ivan sat by the fire, watching as his servants stood around him, dusting, entertaining Belarus, and giving the occasional sideways glance when they thought he wasn't looking. He frowned, taking a large gulp from the vodka bottle in his hand. Something was wrong. It was much too quiet… Where were his maids?

"Euard, where are Fae and Sibyl?"

The middle Baltic sibling straightened at his name, staring at the floor. "I don't know sir."

"Ravis? Toris?" He kept his voice light, except for the menace dripping slowly from his mouth and let it sear a hole in each of the Baltics.

Ravis paled, shaking his head violently as Toris said, "No, not since they went upstairs to find that book you said was in the attic."

Once upon a time…

Ivan sat up, head turning. "Did you hear that?"

Toris looked around before saying, "I think you've had a little too much vodka Ivan…"

"Nonsense! There is no such thing as too much vodka!" Ivan roared, and Ravis jumped a foot before cowering behind Euard.

In a land where ice and snow refused to melt…

"There it is again!" Ivan said, looking around the room.

"I heard it too Toris…" Euard said, and in agreement, Ravis nodded his head.

There lived a man who was always trapped in his home…

The living room seemed to fade, and they all jumped back as the walls gave away and revealed Russia in all its glory in the middle of winter. Ivan growled as his vodka disappeared from his hands and Belarus practically tackled him for warmth… Even though he knew she was warm enough.

"Liet, what the HELL is going on!" Ivan yelled, trying to push Belarus off of him.

Toris frowned, looking at his brothers. "You don't think-"

"They'd be the ones to do it." Euard said, his focus on the hyperventilating Ravis.

Toris sighed. "Remember a couple summers ago when you found that notebook in the attic Ivan? And everything you wrote came true?"

Ivan nodded, not sure where this was going.

"What would you say if I said I saved it in the attic instead of throwing it away—Hypothetically of course."

"You didn't."

"I did. I'm sorry. Fae and Sibyl have ensnared us in this story… We'll have to ride it out…"

No, that's boring. Let's do this- There lived a beautiful princess who lived in a tower that was sealed off from the rest of the world.

Yea, I like that! And a horrid dragon guarded the tower and kept the princess from the rest of the world because it loved the princess and wanted to keep the princess all to herself.

The snow around Belarus swirled, changing her into a gigantic green dragon with all the fixings. Ivan laughed, pointing a finger at the Baltics. "Sucks to be you, whoever's the princess!"

But the snow was already swirling around Ivan, and when it died, even Belarus had to stifle dragon giggles.

Ivan, or Princess Ivanna, looked down at herself. She was wearing a tan gown that belled out slightly because of some itchy petticoats, and only reached her knees, revealing her boots. It looked like her jacket from before she this… horrendous ordeal. Her hair was longer too, and as she reached up, she felt a small crown on her head, that, no matter how she pulled, would not come off.

At least it couldn't get any worse.

And the princess only dressed in pink because that's the color the dragon liked on her best.

What a cruel and sadistic dragon.

Yes. Quite.

The snow swirled again, and this time, when it settled, Ivanna was dressed in a bright pink, and at a cold at her feet, she lifted up her skirts and saw she was in a pair of silver heels.

"I swear, if I make it out of this alive, I'm going to KILL Fae and Sibyl." Ivanna said before she grabbed her throat, her voice much higher than she wanted.

Toris snorted. "If this is about the dress, maybe you should look at your chest Ivanna." Toris said, biting his lip so not to laugh.

Ivanna looked down, and with a sudden gasp, lifted his hands up and squeezed the two round things on his chest. "WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE???" He yelled, and everyone burst out laughing, even the sadistic writers.

The dragon bent down and grasped the princess in her teeth, lifting her up into the top of a tower. The second Ivanna was dropped into the tower, the story continued.

Well, we have to have a hero or something…

That's right! Well, the Princess had one trump card, a trio of sorts who had sworn to be the protectors of the Princess and other such things of beauty!

"Do we get to be the Bad Touch Trio?" Euard asked, and Toris face-palmed himself at the eagerness in his brothers voice.

Umm… No…

It was an unlikely trio of men. The eldest was a knight that had lost his sword to a king, forever disgracing him as he roamed. On his travels, he met a Elfian prince that had studied to become a physician, only to kill his best friend and was banned from his kingdom until he saved the life of another.

As the voice spoke, Toris and Euard found themselves surrounded in snow, and when it settled, Ivanna saw Toris incased in armor, looking very much like the warrior Ivanna remembered from before World War I and II. Euard had been stretched, a crown around his own head, and pointy ears sticking out from under his golden hair.

"WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE TO HAVE A FRICKING SEX CHANGE????" He yelled up at the sky, not really expecting an answer.

Shut it Ivanna.

The last of the trio was… was…

"Something tall, something tall, something tall." Ivanna could hear Ravis begging from where she was locked away.

A small dog?

No, something larger… Like a midget?

No, that's horrid. How about a elf?

Euard's already an elf.

Oh, that's right. How about a fairy?

Fae, do you LIKE ripping away every man's man card?

Ravis was caught in snow, every time something mentioned, he transformed into the creature.

A dwarf?

Don't go all Lord of the Rings on me here.

Umm… How about… A gnome!

Where the hell did you get an idea like that?

The gnome stashed away over there. You can see his hat.

Oh. Well, a gnome works well enough.

Alright! A gnome it is! This last addition to the group was well liked in his community, but his warrior spirit stopped him from settling down. He was skilled at using double broadswords, but when he first left his home, his blades were stolen from him by a dragon, who was said to keep a beautiful princess locked away in a tower.

Ravis' head stopped spinning as the snow died down, but he opened his eyes to a shorter world than he remembered. "Fuck." He inspected himself, surprised that he had muscles, a beard, and a stout frame. 'Well, it could be worse…' He thought, and then felt his focus shift.

"Well, um, what do we do know?" He asked to no one in particular, and Euard, who had been playing with the bow and arrows that had appeared on his back, shrugged.

Now, the story gets good.

"Oh dear lord." Ivanna said, wishing that this was some vodka induced dream…