Disclaimer: I do NOT own Naruto

SasuNaru 500 Word Drabble

For darkgodess

Dear Teme,

I hope you're sitting down, because this was hard for me to write, so it's probably even harder to read. I actually had to stop and start several times, and only three of them were because of spelling mistakes. We've been together, what, four years now? Four long years. That's what most people would call a committed relationship, though you would probably call it 'hn.'

And it's been a great relationship. I mean, you're an awesome boyfriend. You cook for me, tolerate my hyperactive-ness and fuck my brains out. What more could I want?

Well, I'm really sorry to say, there is one thing you cannot provide.

Which is why I'm leaving you. Jumping ship. Going AWOL. Jumping the tracks. You get it?

I'm sorry Sasuke. You can't give me everything no matter how hard you try. You may be perfect, with your fucking incredible looks and hot body. With your talented hands and sinful tongue. With your smouldering eyes and weirdass soft hair. But there is one key factor missing.

We've had some fun times together. I'll never forget you. So please, get your shit together and get out of your house by the time I get home. I'm claiming it in the breakup, along with the Star Wars movies and the Xbox 360. I'm bringing my new love with me and we're gonna go all night long.

I know this may come across as callous (word of the day calendar's paying for itself right there) and cruel, but you have to understand, the heart wants what the heart wants. I cannot control my urges anymore than you can control the urge to fuck me whenever you want. (Speaking of which, remember that time on the Subway? I think I saw that old lady again, you know, the one that beat you with her umbrella and called you devil spawn?)

I'm sorry, Sasuke. I really am. I do love you, so much it hurts, and for a while I thought I would never find anything that I would love as much as I love you. But I was in a delusional little world that was focused around you. I call it 'Sasuke-land' (or, PMSville. Same, basically.)

In conclusion, despite my epically awesome love for you, I'm still leaving. I have to. Once you understand the situation you, too, will know why I must go. My new love is just too irresistible. Too drool worthy. Too perfect. Too tempting. My new love is just from a whole new world, one no mere mortal could have dreamed up.

So, Sasuke, I am leaving you for the new Miso Ramen Ichiraku is now making. I have to marry it. It is too fucking delicious.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,

Naruto.

--

The letter fell from pale, shaking fingers as Sasuke turned burning red eyes towards the stairs that led to the second story of his house – where his moron was.

"NARUTO! That was not funny!"

His only answer was hysterical laughter.