Hi there! This is my first ever Doctor Who fic and I'm sort of psyched. Just warning you, it's really random and pure crack. oh, and there will be some ridiculous pairings at some point in this fic that you never wanted to think about it. Written just because I've always liked the idea of where fictional characters go when they're not being used. Oh, and I don;t own anything, except for Daleks Bob and Arnold. They're mine.
Okay, hope you enjoy.... Allons-y!
It happened in an instant, too fast for even a Time Lord to comprehend.
One second, he was standing in the TARDIS for the last time in this body. Alone, in pain, close to tears, whispering "I don't wanna go." About to die.
And then blinding pain as every cell in his being was melted down and reformed, everything teeming with new life and enegry and then...
WHAM!
He hit the floor in a strange, dark place. No problem, he was a Time Lord, the last one for that matter, and he'd been in scrapes plenty worse than this before. But first, he had to get his bearings. He stood up, brushed himself off, and attempted to look around. Shortly after that, he realized he couldn't see anything, because it was so dark. He thought he was standing on some sort of ground, but he couldn't really see it. He could be floating for all he knew. This overwhelming, impenetrable darkness could be death.
Had he died?
No, he'd regenerated, he could remember that much. You don't just forget what regeneration feels like, and what happened back there in the TARDIS was definitely the starting of regeneration. So he wasn't dead. Maybe he was new. Changed. But he didn't feel different. He usually felt different, didn't he? But the last time he'd regenerated was years ago, and he'd spent a considerable amount of time after in a coma. Complications, maybe there were complications with this new regeneration and he was stuck halfway between two bodies. That's what he got for regenerating when there was no one around to help him out in such an emergency. Now he was lost, with absolutely no idea where, or even who, he was.
If only it wasn't so bloody dark all around, he could get some clue as to what the hell was going on. But how? How?
Of course the answer came to him in a flash. The sonic screwdriver! Of course! He pulled it out of his jacket pocket and pressed the button to turn it on. With the high-pitched humming came bright blue light that illuminated tall trees all around him. He was in a forest of some sort. He looked down. His old body. Definitely the same skinny old body he'd come to love so much. Same sideburns, same spiky hair, he was even wearing the same clothes; blue suit, red Converse high tops. Still his old self. Good.
So now he knew two more things than he had five minutes ago. One, he was in a strange forest, and two, he was still himself. Good start, but he wasn't going to learn much else just standing here. So, he picked a direction willy-nilly and just started walking, using the sonic as a sort of flashlight.
He'd been wandering for almost half an hour when he heard strange noises in the distance. High pitched, shrill voices shreiking one word. His hearts froze for a second as he was reminded horribly of Daleks, but no. His carbon copy had gone and killed all the Daleks weeks ago. A bloody genocide. He couldn't believe himself. But whatever, he wasn't his own problem anymore. He was safe in Rose Tyler Rehab in some other dimension, and he, the Time Lord version, not the Time Lord-Human Hybrid version (this was all really confusing) was stuck God knew where freaking out about Daleks that didn't even exist anhymore.
So, the shrill voices were not those of Daleks... so what were they? As they got closer, he realized that they were human screams. But not of fear, or pain, or anything remotely like that. No, this seemed to be some sort of battlecry or war chant. Then he noticed that the voices were only those of teenaged human girls, and as the shreiking mass approached him, he could finally make ot what they were saying.
"TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!"
Hundreds of teenage Earth girls shouting his name. It could only mean one thing, and the thing was enough to strike terror into the heart of the bravest of Time Lords.
"Oh, God no." he breathed. "Not the fangirls."
Quickly, he turned off the sonic screwdriver and hid in the bushes, praying for them to pass without seeing him. But to no avail. As any canon character knows, fangirls have a sense of smell thousands of times more accurate than any normal human being. And hot canon characters all have a unique sort of pheromones, unmistakable to lusty teenagers. As soon as they came within ten feet of the Doctor, they smelled him, and turned to attack.
Fangirls, when faced with the object of their lust, lose all capability to reason. They become feral animals with brute strength and surprising speed. When faced with a specimen of canon sexiness such as the Tenth Doctor himself, the mass of fangirls went absolutely berserk. They were close enough that he could see the bloodlust - or was it just lust - in their eyes, and he did what any brave, red-blooded Gallifreyan would do in that situation - he scarpered.
He ran from the horde of lusty girls faster than he'd ever run before. His current predators were worse than any Dalek army or invading planet, or the Master, or Rassilon, or all of them put together. What would those villains do to him of they caught him? Torture, possibly kill him. He could live with that. But if the fangirls caught him, he'd likely be ripped to sheds by the hormonal females before being forced to perform unspeakable acts either with themselves or any Mary Sue or (shudder) other canon character of their choice. And by "other canon character" he didn't mean Rose, or even River Song, who he'd evidently be getting it on with eventually if she knew his name. No, he meant something like Donna, or Martha, or the Master or Harriet Jones Former Prime Minister (yes, we know who she is), or Jack, or some Daleks, or Wilf, or Jackie, or even earlier regenerations of himself! Ewww!
So he ran faster than even he knew he was capable of. The body can do incredible things when properly motivated. His lungs were aching, his hearts were going nuts, the four beats that had driven the Master loco not even distinguishable anymore, just a continuous . He wondered vaguely through the adrenaline rush about how long he could possibly keep this up before fainting from sheer exhaustion. He got his answer shortly thereafter when he tripped over a root and went flying.
"Oof!" he grunted as he landed not-so-gracefully on his rear end.
As he got up and brushed himself off, he heard the Fangirls war cries drawing nearer and nearer. But he was too exhausted to run anymore. He saw them coming around the trees, some carrying torches, some carrying nets, some carrying whips, chains and chocolate sauce and wearing strange leather outfits. But they were all screaming his name with such passion that a few were weeping. In all his nine hundred and five years of existence, though everything he'd seen, all the chaos and destruction, he had never witnessed a sight so disturbingly terrifying and graphic. He'd seen images like this only twice before; once in the mosh pit at a Jonas Brothers concert (Martha had wanted to go, he couldn't imagine why, though) and again at the Twilight premiere that Donna had forced him to take her to. The face of pure, unbridled teenage lust.
They closed in around him, and he looked around desperately for some means of escape, but there was none. This was it. This sucked. Totally worse that getting vaporized by that nasty git Rassilon, or tortured by the Master, or even getting fried by radiation in a glass box to save dear old Wilf. At least that had had a point to it. This was going to be the worst death ever.
As the screaming crowd came near, arms outstretched, nearly choking on their own drool, the Doctor closed his eyes and prepared for his final moments. But then, out of nowhere:
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Something swung out of the sky, a streak of black and ginger before his eyes, then a blinding pink light and all the fangirls were gone.
The Doctor staggered back a few steps, hearts still racing from the risk of death. He braced himself against a tree and stood there for a minute, panting. The shock wore off after a while, and he realized that his rescuer was still waiting patiently near him.
"Th-thank you" he said to the stranger. It was definitely female, he could see, but her face was hidden in the shadows. "Wh-who are you?"
"Now don't tell me you don't remember, Doctor." She said, stepping into the moonlight - for a moon had indeed randomly appeared, casting a sudden light on everything and illuminating the face of-
"Donna!" the Doctor proclaimed joyously. "Donna Noble!"
"The one and only." she smiled back.
"Oh, Donna, it's so good to see you!" the Doctor cried, embracing her warmly. Then he remembered something and stepped back. "Wait a minute. You're not supposed to know who I am. The Doctor Donna. The metacrisis. I wiped your memory. You shouldn't remember me."
"Cool your jets, Space Man," Donna said patiently. " I'm fine. My head hasn't exploded yet, and it won't. Ever. In fact, nothing can really hurt me ever again. All bets are off here."
"What do you mean?"
Donna looked at him sadly. "Don't you know where you are, love?"
The Doctor shook his head. "Haven't the slightest."
"Ahh..." she said. "It makes sense, then." She looked him dead in the eye. "You're in the In-Between."
"The what?"
"The In-Between." Donna repeated. "You see, when a character gets written off a show, they don't just disappear for good. The linger in the hearts of the fans, and the fans keep them alive. But at a price. Once you're living here, you're fair play for fanfiction authors, some of the most vicious sadists in the galaxy."
The Doctor gulped. "Fanfiction authors?"
Donna nodded sadly. "They've been writing about you ever since you regenerated into this body," she explained, "But you couldn't tell before. The force of canon was too strong around you. Around all of us. But with this new regeneration, you've been written out of canon. The rules don't apply anymore, Doctor. It's jungle law here. You will see things you never wanted to see, you'll be forced to do things you never even wanted to think about, let alone do. And sometimes, you won't even act like yourself. Fanfiction is a dark and scary place, even for a Time Lord. You'll have to be careful."
The Doctor processed this new information with wide eyes. "So... so I'm on my own, then? Again?"
Donna laughed at that, but in a nice way. "Oh, no. Not at all. In fact, you'll probably be happier here than you were in canon. Everyone who's ever died there, is alive here. That's how I have all my memories, that's how every other companion you've ever had is alive and well somewhere in the In-Between. Hell, even earlier versions of yourself are here!"
"Well that doesn't seem so bad."
"But you're forgetting."
"Forgetting what?"
"You're at the mercy of the fanfiction authors. Yeah, some of them stick to canon... but there's crack fics and OOC-ness and... slash!"
The Doctor looked at the ground awkwardly. Donna noticed.
"What?" she demanded.
"Well... some slash really is canon... you know... in some cases..."
It took her a second to realize what he was implying, but when she finally did, her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
"Oh.. my.. GOD!" she said, grinning hugely. "Who is it? That Jack bloke? He'd go for anything that moves, I'm sure, and I saw the way you looked at him in the TARDIS that one time...."
"No, no, that's not it. I mean, Jack's alright, but..."
"Then who else..." Her face grew horrified. "Oh, God, tell me it's not my Grandad."
"Ew! No! I mean, Wif's a nice guy, but not.... EWWWW!"
Donna sighed in relief. "Well, who else is there?"
"It's nothing. Don't even worry about it. It was a long time ago, and..."
"Ooh! I've got it! That Saxon bloke, the one from a few years ago!"
The Doctor looked innocently at the ground again - too innocently.
"Are you serious?" Donna asked incredulously. "He tried to eat me!"
The Doctor just shrugged.
"Well... when did it happen? Between you two?"
"Like I said Donna, it was a long time ago. We were roomies at the Academy. You know, you go to boarding school for the first time, you're young... curious... things happen. "
Donna raised her eyebrows suggestively "Spicy things?"
The Doctor snapped out of his reverie, and glares at donna. "Shut up."
Donna laughed good-naturedly. "Oh, don;t get your knickers in a twist, alien boy. I was just joki-" she broke off with a gasp, looking terrified.
"Donna?" the Doctor said, putting a hadn on her shoulder. "Are you alright?"
"No....." she gasped. "Doctor.... I'm being.... pulled.... into a slash fic....."
"What?"
"I can't... control myself...." she suddenly grabbed the Doctor by his jacket with surprising strength and speed. "I need..... Rose."
"What?"
"I have to have her. Right now. I can't bear it any longer. My loins burn for her every waking second. Her limpid eyes, her golden hair, her lovely pale skin and huge pair of-"
"Oi!" the Doctor cried. "Donna, what's gotten into you? Snap out of it!"
Just for a second, her eyes, which had developed a dreamy and far-away look, cleared. "I'm so sorry Doctor. It's not me. It's some... some slash author who wants to see me and Rose get it on. I can't control it.... I want to.... I want to...."
Donna began to describe in detail exactly what she planned on doing to Rose Tyler whenever she happened to stumble upon her, many of which the Doctor was not entirely sure were physically possible. Needless to say, hearing his best friend talk about her unbridled lust for his ex-girlfriend was extremely traumatic for him. He had curled up on the ground in a fetal position by the time Donna's thoughts cleared once more.
"Doctor!" she said. "Quick! I haven't got much time left. The author... he's posting the fic. I'll have to go soon. The things I'm about to do... I hope you can forgive me, Doctor. Just know... it's not me. It's them."
"Will I see you again?"
"Yeah. In time. In the meanwhile.... be brave, Doctor. Fanfic is a dark and scary place, especially for a character as major and hot as you. Good luck."
"Thanks. And you."
"Thank you."
"And one more thing, Donna!"
"Yeah?"
"... Say hi to Rose for me."
She smiled, as she suddnely began to glow a bright white.
"Here it goes...."
And suddeny, there was a flash, and she was gone.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the Doctor cried in a fit of angst, still left over from canon. That was one thing he could never run low on.
Unfortunately, his cry if dismay was heard by a group of sexually-charged Daleks looking for a victim. They peered through their eyestalks using infra-red vision and saw the skinny outline of the Doctor about fifty feet away in the forest.
"Oh - look - it - is - the - Tenth - Doctor." Dalek Arnold said.
"The - sworn - enemy - of - the - Daleks." Dalek Bob announced.
"Although - he - is - our - greatest - foe, - you - cannot - deny - that - he - is - hot." reasoned Dalek Caan.
"We - await - our - orders - from - you, - most - Supreme - Dalek." The three choured.
The Supreme Dalek looked at the unsuspecting Doctor for a long moment, considering, before giving his opinion and final order.
"I - would - hit - that." he said. " PROCREATE! PROCREATE! PROCREATE!"
Although the ideal way to get the Doctor would be to sneak up on him and jump him from behind, stealth is not exactly the strong suit of the Dalek race. Instead, they all rushed him at one, screeching "PROCREATE! PROCREATE! PROCREATE!" as loudly and obnoxiously as they could. The Doctor arose from his self-pity party just in time to start running. He too, screamed as loud as he could, although he cried for help instead of procreation.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! RANDY DALEKS! HELP! HELP! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Not exactly the stoic Time Lord behaviour we've come to expect from the Doctor but hey, I defy anyone not to scream like a five year old when confronted by horny, mutant, metal shelled aliens.
Anyways, just as the Supreme Dalek, Dalek Caan, Dalek Arnold, and Dalek Bob were about to catch up with the Doctor, a convenient trapdoor opened and the Doctor fell through. He landed on a cushy bed that he vaguely remembered from somewhere, although he wasn't entirely sure where.
"Where am I?" he asked, not expecting an answer because there was no one else in the room.
"You should know, my dearest Theta."
"Theta?" the Doctor said, thoroughly puzzled. "No one's called me that since my days at the Academy! There's no one alive who would know that name.... no one except-"
"Me!" The Master said, bursting into the room. "although, technically, all the Gallifreyans that you killed by ending the Time War are still alive here, so there are a few people who could call you Theta. But I digress..."
The Master clapped his hands and suddenly the Doctor found himself tied to the bed.
"Hey! What are you -" the Doctor started to protest, but stopped abruptly when the Master pulled out a roll of duct tape.
"Now, I'd hate to block those pretty lips with this," he said. "But if you don't stop talking I'll have no choice. Understood?"
The Doctor nodded.
"Excellent. So, here's the deal. Some of these fanfic authors are obsessed with what happened with us back in the old school days. The Doctor/Master or Theta/Koschei shippers. And right now, one of them's got a hold on my free will, and she's making me want to do some reeeally dirty things to you right now."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Well, because I don't want you thinking it's because I want to start things up again."
The Doctor arched an eyebrow.
"Well, you know..." the Master said. "We had some pretty slashy scenes in that last episode of yours... remember in the wasteland? And when I captured you, and you told me I was beautiful..."
"I didn't exactly say that..." the Doctor said, but then the Master held up the duct tape again, and he shut up.
"Alright then." the Master said. "As long as you know that this is only because I'm being controlled by some hormonally charged teenaged girl with a penchant for Time Lord on Time Lord action..." He started to move seductively towards the Doctor.
"Yeah, sure." the Doctor said. "But... aren't you going to untie me for this, at least?"
"Where's the fun in that?" the Master chuckled evilly, climbing up onto the bed, and slowly untying the Doctor's tie before starting to unbutton his shirt. Then the Master snogged him violently, and the Doctor moaned softly....
But before things could get any steamier, and because Bananas didn't particularily enjoy writing sex scenes, one of the walls exploded and in stepped.....
...And in stepped my feeble attempt at a cliffie. But hey, cut a girl some slack. I'm tired, and exhausted from all that slash (not that I don't enjoy reading it... it's just the writing of it that I find difficult. Hope I did okay though). Anywhoo, give me a shout out and tell me if you think I should continue. And hey, in your comments, can you try and think of a really random pairing that I could use? I have some in mind, but I could always use a little help. Awesome!
Now.... REVIEW, and I shall give you lots and lots of bananas.... :)