Husband For Hire

Chapter One – Unexpected Visitors

"Edward? Edward Cullen?"

Bella Swan let out a very heavy sigh, staring at the scene in front of her. There were various pieces of lacy (and unbelievably skimpy) underwear and clothing scattered across her living room, leaving a trail towards the stairs.

She wasn't the cleverest person in the world, but she knew damn well what her housemate had gotten up to last night.

It made her shudder just thinking about it.

"Edward Cullen, if you don't get your ass done here right this minute I will stamp on your laptop!"

There was the sudden sound of some very loud footsteps and the man being threatened quickly burst through the door, clutching at his side and pointing at Bella with his free hand. He looked like a police negotiator and acted as though Bella had a gun, waiting to fire.

"Don't you dare!" he panted, giving her a glare. Bella, however, didn't really notice this; she was too preoccupied with the fact that Edward was only wearing some tight blue boxers and had a messy head of bronze hair.

She stood silently for a while, eventually clearing her throat and taking a step backwards. The laptop was no longer within her reach and Edward sighed in relief.

"What did you want, anyway?" he asked, sounding a little bored now. A lazy grin played on his face; going to the gym daily had obviously paid off, he was dazzling everybody lately, even Bella by the looks of things.

"What the hell is all this?" she asked, gesturing towards the garments with a sweep of her hand. She was pleased that her voice didn't sound too jumpy – in fact, she sounded pretty angry, which was the desired effect.

He frowned. "What does it look like?"

She was tempted to throw a pillow at him. Or maybe something more painful.

Taking a calming breath, she continued. "OK, I'll rephrase that so you can understand: what the hell is it doing here?" Her voice rose in pitch and she could feel her cheeks heating up. The sight of the red bra hooked on the door handle made her face turn a similar colour.

He ran a hand through his hair, making strands stick up in random places. Then, rubbing his eyes, he muttered, "It doesn't really take much brainpower to work it out."

She let out a frustrated sound and squeezed her hands together into fists. "Please just... just clear this up before I'm home from work!"

She reached for her bag and keys, giving him a pointed look. "I shouldn't have to put up with this... I know you've got a habit of..." she hesitated, "picking up women, but please do it quietly in the future."

He smirked, giving her a salute. "Yes ma'am."

"Oh my God," Bella muttered under her breath, shrugging on her coat. Just think of the money he pays you, she thought to herself, you don't see him that much, just think of the rent…

She was chanting this in her mind as she walked outside the door, hearing his distant chuckling as he retreated back into his room.

Asshole, she grimaced.

Edward heard Bella slam the door behind her and grinned to himself, slowly gathering up the clothing around him. He bundled it together into a messy pile and made his way up the stairs and into his bedroom.

Kicking the door shut with his bare foot, he threw the items onto the bed, rudely awakening the blonde woman who was lying in the middle. She groaned, sitting upright and casting her eyes on him. At first she was shocked and still confused, waiting for everything to come back to her.

When it eventually did, she laughed. "Hello there."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Hi," he replied slowly. "Uh, your clothes are all there."

Pulling the covers up to her neck, the woman frowned at him. "You want me to go? But what about last night?"

"There's no reason for you to stay," he shrugged. "And, quite honestly, I can't remember much about last night, so it couldn't have been that good. Anyway, I'll wait for you downstairs."

He closed the door just in time to dodge the pillow that was thrown violently across the room. It fell limply to the floor and the woman placed her head in her hands, crying quietly to herself in humiliation.

"Asshole!" she yelled.

Bella glanced at the clock on her computer screen, silently willing the minutes to tick away faster. At the moment, her lunch break seemed the highlight of her day and she groaned to herself, realising how sad that sounded.

There was the sound of a door opening and her boss, Mr Hale, walked into the office with an air of confidence. Despite this, he had a heavy frown on his face and Bella automatically expected some bad news, but she was surprised to hear him letting everybody off for an early lunch break.

She remained in her seat, too tired to leave today, and watched with mild interest as everybody rushed outside, Alice Brandon lingering around as usual. It almost made Bella gag when she was more or less attaching herself to her boss, and she turned away in disgust, reaching for her lunchbox and her little notebook that she was itching to write in.

She waited, though, and eventually the area around her became silent and she realised she was on her own again. That suited her just fine and she took a bite of her sandwich, leaning back into her chair. Then, checking that everybody was definitely gone, she retrieved her purple pad and began writing angrily.

Stress Diary

19th September, 1pm

I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

They say writing all my problems and worries down is supposed to help, but right now it just seems to be making everything worse. It just makes me realise the extent of everything that seems to keep happening to me.

The main source of anxiety for me lately has been a certain Edward Cullen.

I thought it'd be nice having some company in the house - he seemed nice enough during the interview six months ago. He said he was (quote) 'quiet, well behaved and reliable.' Also, he'd be paying the rent and would give me some extra money.

But lately, he's been absolutely awful. Horrific, even. Every single morning I come down to find out that there's an extra guest in the house. It always makes me want to reach for my balls!

My stress balls, of course.

I just can't stand this much longer! Work is enough of a hassle - I'm filling this in during my lunch break, no social life or friends, how fantastic - and I just don't want to come home to his attitude anymore.

See? This ridiculous thing hasn't made me feel any better. I'm very close to shredding it into a million tiny pieces. I don't know what Rose was on about when she suggested this... maybe she was just suggesting something random to stop me from moaning...

With another sigh, she closed the book and slipped it back into her bag. So far she'd only filled in two pages and it seemed to become more and more depressing after each entry.

Never mind, she thought, making a start on her salad. Only 50 more years until I can retire...

Sometimes, life throws up some very difficult choices.

Edward Cullen was now experiencing this problem.

He stood in the kitchen, thinking his options through to himself. The more he went around in circles, the more he realised just how difficult this choice was going to be. A heavy frown appeared on his forehead and he began pacing, fidgeting around out of habit.

"Pizza or a burger?" he mumbled under his breath. After another couple of minutes, he ran a hand through his hair in despair.

Then, noticing a few spare coins on the counter, he had a brainwave.

Tossing one into the air, he caught it and looked down at the outcome.

"Pizza it is," he grinned.

Bella turned off the radio and stopped her truck at her favourite fast food restaurant. She knew the food was bad for her and probably contained way too much fat and goodness knows what, but she couldn't stop herself. She'd had an awful day.

At the office, everything had been non-stop. She was continuously on the go, typing out letters, sending documents, emailing, rushing about... She felt absolutely drained and needed a rush of some kind.

She shoved the fries into her mouth, glancing out of the window and then at everyone else there with her. They all seemed happy and cheerful; there was a family at the back along with a beaming child who looked like this place was the height of excitement... There were couples joking and laughing...

Then there was Bella, grumpily staring outside.

She took a long sip of her drink and was surprised by a sudden vibration in her pocket. Slipping her hand into her coat, she frowned and pulled out her phone, looking curiously at the screen.

When she recognised the number, she gasped loudly, causing a few people to glance at her.

For a few moments, she couldn't even gather the courage to answer the call. She took a few deep breaths and eventually pressed a button, slowly putting the monitor to her ear.

"Hello?" she said quietly.

"Bella!" the familiar voice chimed. "Oh my goodness! Long time no speak!"

"Mom," Bella whispered. "This is... unexpected."

Bella's Mom, Renee, and her new husband, Phil, had left her five years ago, when she was eighteen, in order to travel around the world. It was an ambitious plan and Bella never really expected it to last; it sounded like some stupidly far-fetched scheme.

Despite this, they left her on her own and never came back.

She found it difficult at first; sure, they'd left her enough money and allowed her to stay in the house, but she was alone. She was never really close to her mother and disliked Phil a lot (mainly his stupid baseball caps), but she still needed the company.

She eventually rented out the spare rooms for somebody to talk to, but this had, unfortunately, led to her meeting Edward of all people.

They promised to call her every week, giving them updates about what they were doing and where they were. That happened for the first month, but the gradually calls eased off, only coming once in a while; a rare occurence.

After a few years, the calls stopped completely and Bella had almost forgotten the sound of her own mother's voice, considering how long it had been.

"How have you been?"

Bella snapped out of her trance, reminding herself that she had to talk. "Um... good. Yeah. I guess."

"Well, you'll never guess what!"

She sighed, heading back towards her truck. "No, I don't think I will."

"Your father and I-"

"Mom, Phil isn't my father," Bella interrupted.

"Phil and I are back in Forks!"

She swallowed, taking this in. "Woah, OK.. well that's... again, that's unexpected!"

Then, as Bella slowly thought this through, she remembered a tiny lie she'd told her Mom a few months ago in a state of panic and her blood ran cold.

"We're coming back to the house," Renee announced excitedly. "We're just on the way back now and I thought we'd better warn you."

Bella nearly stumbled over in shock. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening...

"But Mom, I-"

"We're certainly looking forward to meeting your partner!"

Bella cringed, shaking her head to herself. Why was this happening?

"But Mom, please listen! I-"

"We'll be there in about five minutes, see you then!"

"Mom!"

The line went dead and Bella rushed to her truck, starting up the engine. This was not good. Not good at all...

She raced along the roads, her heart hammering wildly all the way.

Edward was just about to eat his pizza and sit back down in front of the TV when Bella burst in, looking flushed and exhausted. She slammed the door behind her, rushing around and meeting his eyes in a panic.

"Edward!" she shrieked.

"What have I done now?" he groaned, taking a bite out of his food. The cheese was incredibly stringy and the further he pulled the pizza away from his mouth, the longer the cheese string became, and he fumbled around in embarrassment.

Bella ignored his behaviour. "I need you to get out now. Like, right now."

He frowned. "Why?"

"Do you have to ask so many questions?!" Bella hissed, throwing her coat down onto the sofa. Edward watched her hurrying around in amusement.

"You're on drugs, aren't you?"

Bella gave him a glare. "You really don't want to aggravate me at this moment in time. I could seriously-"

"Well, you didn't deny it," he smirked. "What is it, then? Heroin?"

"Oh, shut up!" Bella screeched.

"Woah," he frowned, holding his hands up in the air. "Is there something wrong?"

Bella didn't answer.

"What's happening?" he asked. "I need some kind of explanation."

"No you don't!" Bella yelled. "I just need you to-"

There was a loud knock on the door and Bella froze on the spot, her eyes widening in horror. "Oh God," she whispered. "Oh God, oh God, oh God!"

Edward was now even more confused; he truly believed that she was having some kind of mental breakdown. He knew he tended to cause her stress, but it was never this bad. "Is it the police or something? Have you committed an unspeakable crime?"

Bella paced around, fiddling with her hands. "I'm not like you, Edward."

"Harsh," he muttered.

After a few moments, Bella still hadn't made any progress. "Just answer the door!" Edward sighed, jerking his head. "If you don't, I will."

"No!" Bella snapped loudly. "No. I'll... I'll do it now."

She didn't move and Edward raised his eyebrows. "Go on then," he prompted.

"Stop pressuring me!"

She slowly edged towards the door and took a deep breath, her hand resting on the knob.

She knew this was all her fault; she was the one who had lied, telling her mother that she was happily married (for some bizarre reason that she couldn't even remember) and now... well, now she dreaded to think what was gonna happen.

Ignoring this, she opened the door and was met by a pair of flailing arms.

"Bella! Oh my goodness, Bella!"

Renee hugged her daughter tightly and kissed her on the cheeks, pulling away to take a look at her. "My goodness, you've changed!"

"Well it has been five years," Bella pointed out bluntly. She looked past Renee's shoulder and sighed. "Hi, Phil."

He nodded in acknowledgement and began hauling in several pink suitcases. Bella was reluctant to lead them down the corridor but Renee was eager and pushed past, storming into the lounge.

Edward looked up at the sound of the sudden commotion and was met by a woman who looked like a middle aged version of Bella. She had a huge grin across her tanned face and she glanced over at a man by her side, giving him a wink. The man looked completely flummoxed and removed his baseball cap, wiping away at his forehead. Edward guessed he was just as in the dark as he was.

Who the hell were these people and why were they here in his house? Well, Bella's house.

"Um... hello?" he offered after a moment.

"So, Bella," the woman said slowly, "is this him?"

Edward frowned and looked between the pair. Bella looked like she was hyperventilating and chewed her lip frantically. She seemed to be turning whiter by the second.

He tried not to make an inappropriate comment, even though it was incredibly tempting.

"Uh... yes." She cleared her throat. "Yes, this is him, Mom."

It suddenly made sense to him; this was Bella's mother. That would explain the resemblance. But that didn't explain why they were talking about him in this way.

He couldn't blame them, though.

Before he could blink, Bella's mother rushed over and pulled him into a death grip, squeezing him tightly and making it very difficult for him to breathe. He coughed and spluttered, giving Bella a pleading look. She mouthed 'sorry' and placed a hand on her Mom's shoulder.

"Mom, please, Edward needs some space!"

She pulled away and he gasped, taking in some air. He only had a moment to recover before she cupped his cheeks like a child. He half expected her to coo and a few expletives almost escape his mouth.

"For God's sake, Mom! What the hell are you doing?"

"Yeah, Ren," the man suddenly piped up. "What's going on?"

She let out a sigh. "Sorry," she gushed, "I'm just so happy that Bella's finally married a decent man!"

At that moment, Edward let out a very loud snort.

When he was met by plenty of questioning faces, his expression turned blank and he glanced at Bella in complete disbelief. She gave him a terrified look and his mouth hung open for a minute or two.

Surely this was all some crazy mistake. Bella's mother thought he was Bella's husband? That was never gonna happen...

"Uh... yeah," Bella swallowed, her body physically shaking. "Actually, do you mind if Edward and myself just have a moment to talk upstairs please?" She reached for his arm, yanking him towards the door. "It's just a bit of a shock seeing you after so long, y'know."

Edward moved along like a robot, still blinking wildly.

"Sure," Renee smiled. "I know you two like some time alone."

Bella cringed as they walked away and rushed up the stairs. They hurried into her room and she slammed the door behind them, taking a few deep breaths. It only took Edward a second to make an outburst.

"Bella, I don't know what the hell is going on inside your head, but you've got some serious explaining to do!" He paused, adding, "And you'd better hurry up, or my pizza will go cold."

"Ssh!" she exclaimed. "They're only downstairs!"

"But Bella," he replied, lowering his voice slightly, "This is absolutely ridiculous!"

"I know," she sighed. "But you're just gonna have to bear with me." She paused. "To put it bluntly, I need you to be my husband for a while."

So here's the new story - I hope you liked it! A few pointers...

This particular story is, obviously, written in the third person, mainly because I fancied a change and also because I enjoyed writing it this way for my Doctor Who story. This is gonna be updated every Friday and hopefully I'll stick to that.

It's also supposed to be more humorous and light-hearted compared to some of my other stories. I hope... And also, everything about Bella lying will be explained next chapter.

Anyway, enough from me. I'm really nervous about this but please leave some feedback if you possibly can! Bye for now...