Being Jane Lane

This felt right, brush in hand and an old spiral recording blaring from her brothers ancient stereo she set to work. Her mind wandered as she stroked paint across the canvas. The year was barely halfway through and she already had two failed relationships. In frustration she had retreated back to Lawndale. She figured that's why she had kept Casa de Lane, it seemed natural to come here in a crisis.

She sighed as she decided the next colour she should use. At least these last two have been amicable break ups, unlike the five before that. She tried to remember the last time she had a relationship that lasted for more than two months. Boston she considered maybe. That was a long time ago. She thought for moment as she deftly added just the required brush stroke. No she couldn't really consider that on again off again thing with Jessie meaningful. They just hooked up and did things after Mystic Spiral had played their final encore for the night.

She groaned as she couldn't believe it despite its truth. The last serious relationship she had was with Tom. It was depressing but she tried to remember why she had been drawn to him what had kept them together longer than they perhaps should have. The circumstances of that break up were still bad memories for her especially as it had lead to that brief period where she was so unsure of herself. Until her best friend had reminded her who she was and no matter what life threw at her she would remain at her core that person.

She stared at a line she was sure wasn't quite right. As she corrected it she came to the conclusion that it wasn't her at fault in her failed relationships. Well in the sense that her choices had not been right for a woman who spent her life being Jane Lane. Tom had at least understood who she was and respected her for that. Smart Witty, well read but still willing to do stupid stuff with her. She frowned realising that could just as easily apply to the person who was the catalyst for the break up. Even then when it was still hurting she had realised Tom and the other made much more sense as a couple then she did with Tom. It of course came as a shock when they broke up before college. That was ancient history now and Tom did remain friends with both of them.

Twirling the brush in fingers she broke out of her thoughts for a moment. The picture was demanding more green but as soon as that was sorted she was back to the erratic thought process. In the end that period of time had been good for all three of them. But there had been something niggling at this train of thought ever since she started it.

What had hurt more? Losing him as a boyfriend or…the or was something her conscious mind had shied away from for a while because it might upset the whole idea of being Jane Lane. Because admitting to it meant she herself had no idea who this Jane Lane person was. She shook the thoughts away and observed what she had created.

"Damn," she said. "Alright subconscious I can take the hint."

The work had ended up as her, as she looked now the successful writer. Modern glasses, neat pressed conference clothes and the tiniest trace of grey creeping in. The smile and the blush and the book in the hands of the figure in the work though all belonged to the teenage version. She was lying on the bed of this very room much as she had in their formative years. Something finally clicked and Jane was able to acknowledge the or. Had losing Tom as a boyfriend hurt or did losing her in anyway hurt more? She sighed and picked up the phone and dialled a number she had got six months ago. Screwed if she could remember the event it was they had seen each other last at. She frowned as it went through to voice mail.

"Daria we need to talk," she said. "You know were, get back to me with the when."