Different

(Chapter Eight: Small Sacrifices)

Two Weeks Later….

"That went over well," Olivia said bagging up the last of the trash from the picnic.

"It was a great idea. And all of your guests seemed to really enjoy themselves."

She smiled.

"I like these people, El. I like having friends that understand what we are going through. People we can really talk to…."

"They all seem like really great people."

Olivia sat down on the edge of the picnic table and smiled down at their sleeping daughter in her carrier.

"What's on your mind?" Elliot asked handing her a can of Diet Coke from the cooler.

"Carol's pregnant," she said softly. "They have known for a little while and have been waiting to tell people."

"I didn't know she and Rick were trying for another baby."

"Some people don't have to try, Elliot."

Elliot kissed her forehead and sat down on the table beside her.

"I take it this baby was a little unexpected?"

"They have three boys already. And their three year old has Down Syndrome. She has an appointment this afternoon for the amniocentesis."

"Maybe they would like to have a little girl."

"Maybe," she said softly. "It's just such a big risk."

"Sometimes people want something so badly, they are willing to take chances to get it. Like when we were trying to get pregnant with her. We didn't account for this. I never in a million years thought she would be born with Downs. But I don't love her any less. And if I had known then, that she might be born with it….it wouldn't change anything for me. I would still want her."

"That is so selfish," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Loving my child unconditionally is selfish?"

"If you knew one hundred percent that our child would be born with this disability, you would still want to get pregnant? That is selfish."

"It isn't like we wished it on her, Liv. And she isn't broken or defective, she's just different. And she's amazing. And I love her more than anything in this world."

"So do I. I'm just not sure that I would want to take the chance to have another baby with it. It's too much of a gamble."

"Life is a gamble, Olivia. God gave her to us, because she was meant to be with us. She's a gift."

"I know that. And I thank God every day for her."

"God never gives you more than you can handle"

"I'm glad you think so," she said standing to look at him with tears in her eyes, "because I'm late."

Elliot stared at her seeing the fear in her eyes.

"Do you really think you could be pregnant again?"

"That is usually what it means when you miss your period."

"How late are you?"

"Eight days," she said biting her lip. "I never went in and got my IUD."

"We've barely even had sex….like twice, since she was born."

"Yeah, well like they say in junior high, it only takes once."

"Unless you're trying," he said staring at some kids playing across the way.

"What are we gonna do?" she asked softly. "

"Sounds like we're gonna have another baby."

"We should get her home."

The next afternoon when Elliot came home for lunch Olivia was sitting in the kitchen drinking glass of iced tea. Maddie was in her swing across the room in front of the television and the entire apartment smelled like the cheeseburgers she had fixed for lunch.

"Hey baby," he said kissing the side of her neck.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Everything alright?"

"The test was positive," she said and he knew how worried she was. "What are we going to do?"

"Make an appointment with your doctor. We'll just keep a close eye on things and when you are far enough along we can have the test done like we did with her. Then we'll know for sure."

"Do you really think it's worth it? To have the amniocentesis, I mean. Knowing isn't really going to change anything. With Maddie it was different. We needed to know to be able to prepare for her arrival, to educate ourselves. But knowing this time isn't really going to make that big a difference. I don't know that it would really be worth the stress that the test would put the baby through."

"You don't want to know?"

"Do you?"

"Do you want this baby? I mean, if he or she is like Maddie….you would still want to have this baby?"

"What the Hell kind of question is that? Elliot, we knew before Maddie was born and didn't for a second consider terminating the pregnancy. How could you ask me this now?"

"I wasn't really offering it as an option. I just wanted to know if that was still how you felt."

"Of course. This is our child. Just as much as Madeleine and the other kids."

"There is still a chance this baby could be just fine."

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see," she said as he hugged her tight.

"We're going to have another baby. That is a good thing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Elliot said with a smile.

"Good," Olivia smiled.

"You should get going," he said kissing her tenderly. "Don't you have your lunch with the girls today?"

"To be honest, I completely forgot about that. I have been more than a little distracted these past few days."

"I remembered," Elliot said with a smile. "I asked Maureen to come over and sit with her for a few hours. I want you to put everything to the back of your mind for a little while. Go and unwind and have a great time. Maddie will be just fine."

"I know she will. Maureen is really good with her."

"I love you," Elliot said slipping his arms around her waist and holding her for a moment. "I know this all seems so scary right now, but it will work out. It always does. Remember how scared we were with her? Things may not always be easy, but we are getting pretty good at balancing life. If this baby also has Down Syndrome, we will adjust and we will be just fine. Because our family, our children are the most important thing in both our lives. It may take a lot of hard work and a little sacrifice, but together as a family, we can make it through anything." Elliot kissed his wife. "We just have to trust in each other and in our faith."

Olivia smiled.

"You're right," she agreed.

"Now do you feel any better?"

"I do," she said with a smile."

"Good," Elliot said and she laughed.

He kissed his wife and baby goodbye and headed back to work.

That night as they got ready for bed, Elliot pretended to read while he watched his wife put lotion on. Olivia turned to look at him over her shoulder and forced a smile.

"What are you thinking?" she asked.

"Do you really want to know?" he replied raising one eyebrow.

Olivia laughed.

"I bet I could guess," she said tossing a throw pillow at him as she climbed into bed.

"I was thinking that you have been awfully quiet this evening. What's on your mind, baby doll?"

Olivia rolled over and nestled her head against his shoulder, trying not to cry.

"I called and made a doctor's appointment for next week."

"That's good," he said kissing her forehead. "But I'm pretty sure that isn't the reason you are about to cry."

"Carol's doctor put a rush on her amniocentesis results, so they got them back today. The baby is a boy."

"They are having another boy?" Elliot asked.

"She isn't having him," Olivia corrected him. "The test came back positive and she and Rick decided not to have the baby. She had an abortion, Elliot."

She watched as tears rose in his eyes as well.

"Honey, it was their choice. There is nothing we can do, but be there for them as their friends."

"How do you just kill your baby?" she sobbed. "Could you ever look at Maddie and think she doesn't deserve to live? Just because she isn't like other babies. I don't understand it."

"It may not make sense to us, Liv, because that was not the right decision for us. But I am sure that Rick and Carol have put a lot of thought into this and have decided that this was the right choice for their family."

"I have decided that I want to have the test done, El. When I am far enough along in this pregnancy that they can safely perform the procedure, I want to have it done."

Elliot looked up at her for a moment.

"Okay."

"I want to have the baby either way. I just think it may be better if we know and can be prepared. I also want to use doctor Cates and doctor Baylor again."

"I agree there, they were amazing."

"It is just so scary, you know? But seeing Rick and Carol go through this makes it so real."

"You know the chances of having another baby with Downs are only slightly higher than the baby being born without it?"

"The chances are only slightly higher, but that chance becomes all the more real when it happens to someone you know."

A week later Olivia sat on the table waiting for the doctor to return with her pregnancy test results.

"Do you think they will do the ultrasound today or let us hear the heartbeat?" Elliot asked reminding her of a small child growing impatient of waiting.

"She might. Just to see how the baby is developing. I'm not very far along though, so there wont be much to see."

"I can still hear it," Elliot said with a smile as the doctor entered.

"Olivia, I know the two of you are anxious, so I will get straight to the point."

"We know she isn't very far along," Elliot interrupted, "but we were wondering if we could hear the heartbeat today?"

"I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible," the doctor said looking at Olivia.

"Is something wrong with my baby?" she asked with a concerned look.

"I'm afraid this has all been a big misunderstanding. There is no baby. You aren't really pregnant."

"I don't understand. I took two tests, two different days and they were both positive."

"I performed both blood and urine tests just to be sure, but you are not pregnant. When a woman is breastfeeding, your hormone levels can be all messed up. This can cause irregular periods and some women don't have periods at all. This shift in your hormones can be enough to throw off an over the counter pregnancy test."

"I'm not pregnant?" she asked as she laid back against the table. "I'm not pregnant," she repeated.

"No baby," Elliot said as the words registered in his brain.

"Oh, thank God," Olivia sighed.

"Wait, you didn't want to be pregnant?" Elliot asked.

"Not right now, no. Maddie isn't even five months old yet. Do you know how hard this would have been to have two babies that close together?"

"The older girls were close in age and then came the twins. It is a challenge. But we could have done it."

"I know, El. But so much would have been taken away from Madeleine to focus on the new baby. It wouldn't have been fair to either of them. I wouldn't mind having another baby later down the road. I just don't think that we should do it right now."

"I agree."

"Yeah?" she asked with a nervous smile.

"One hundred percent. It would be better for us and both babies if we waited until Madeleine was older."

"I'm thinking about two or three years old," Olivia said. "Out of diapers would be nice."

Elliot kissed her and they laughed in relief.

"Doctor, can I make an appointment to go ahead and get the IUD. I just want to make sure we don't have any more pregnancy scares. I want another baby, but it would be better for everyone involved if we waited until we are ready before we got pregnant again."

The doctor smiled.

"If you don't mind waiting a few minutes for me to set things up, I can do it today before you go."

"That would be wonderful," Olivia replied.

"I think Maddie and I will go wait in the waiting room for mommy," Elliot said picking up their daughter in her carrier and heading out of the room.

That night as they tucked Maddie into her crib in the nursery, they stared down at their sleeping daughter.

"I am so relieved that I am not pregnant right now," Olivia said softly watching the baby sleep. "I just don't think it would be fair. She deserves to be the baby for a while."

"The only baby," Elliot agreed. "And some day, when we're ready, we can plan another pregnancy."

"Sounds good to me."

"Until then we will just have to practice not getting pregnant," Elliot suggested and Olivia laughed.