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This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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So apparently March 1 is Ron Weasley's birthday. What better way to celebrate than with porn? *grins*

Warnings for slash, explicit sexual content, voyeurism/exhibitionism and general hilarity. Despite its title, this is an H/D fic with just a little side of solo!Ron. I promise. Thanks to FaeryQueen07 for the beta!

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Ron gritted his teeth as he settled onto the Gryffindor bench, ignoring the catcalls and sniggers rippling through the Great Hall. He deliberately straightened his back, sitting tall as he slathered marmalade on his toast. Usually he didn't care for the bitter jam, but today – today it seemed like the perfect condiment to capture his mood.

"Ron, did you know –"

Ron looked up from his toast, the scathing expression on his face stopping Ginny's words mid-sentence. She cleared her throat uncomfortably, sliding her bag under the table and slipping onto the bench beside him.

"Right. I take it you realize the words are flashing, then, as well?"

Ron hadn't actually known the words were flashing, but he wasn't surprised. He sent a dark look at his sister, daring her to say something else. She wisely chose to dig in to a bowl of porridge instead, her eyes glued to the table to keep herself from staring.

"Ron? What in the –"

"He'd rather not talk about it," Ginny said quickly, cutting Hermione off before Ron could open his mouth.

"Ron's not talking about wha– oh, that is too perfect!" Harry's choked laughter carried through the hall, and the more fanciful part of Ron's mind imagined that it even echoed slightly, bouncing off the stone walls and fading into the cavernous space above them.

"Ron, who did this? Have you tried to reverse the spell?" Hermione's questions fell on deaf ears as Ron continued to glare at Harry, who was now nearly gasping for breath as he tried to stop his laughter.

"Harry," he said evenly, looking up to meet the sparkling green eyes that were almost tearing over with mirth. "Remember how we agreed not to talk about certain things because they lead to rows? This is one of those things."

Harry sobered slightly, biting his lip to hold back his laughter. It really was too good, but he understood why Ron would be upset by it. Especially by who had done it and why it had been done. Still, it was an impressive bit of magic and definitely a just punishment. He looked down the table, suddenly understanding why most of his dorm had chosen to skip breakfast.

"Ron! I'm talking to you!" Hermione hated being ignored more than anything, and she was quickly losing patience with Ron, despite the fact that he'd obviously been the victim of a prank.

Ginny's eyes widened as she watched the exchange. There was only one person who was off limits between the two best friends, and that person was –

"Malfoy," Ron said flatly, flicking his gaze past Harry's shoulder and over to the Slytherin table, where the blond was talking and gesturing animatedly, looking incredibly smug.

"Draco," Harry confirmed with a nod, unable to hold back his grin as he said it.

Silence settled over their sparsely populated end of the table, the absence of the rest of Harry and Ron's dorm mates leaving gaps along the bench.

"Right. Well, then. Pass the bacon, would you, Hermione?" Harry said cheerfully, letting his bag slip to the floor with a thump, folding his lanky frame – the result of a late summer growth spurt brought on by a slew of nutrient potions Draco had forced on him shortly after they'd started dating – onto the too-small bench and tucking in.

***Eight hours earlier ***

Ron had tried everything. He'd tried putting his pillow over his head. He'd made sure his curtains were drawn tightly. He'd done everything – save for casting a Silencing Charm of his own – to block out the sounds that were slowly driving him crazy with arousal.

Growling with frustration, he rolled over to grab his wand off the bedside table, hissing when his aching cock pressed against the mattress, sending sparks of pleasure through his belly. Not good. Not. Fucking. Good. Wand clenched in his hand, he started the incantation, stopping when another spine-tingling groan broke through the silence of the dorm.

But that had been Seamus, not – he paused, wand still hovering in the air, considering his options. He could cast the Silencing Charm, sure. Or, he could give in and do what he wanted to do and wank. Quite obviously, he wasn't the only one who wanted to. After all, what would a quick wank hurt? It didn't mean anything. Anyone would have this reaction to what he was hearing.

He hesitated for a few more seconds, the sound of skin slapping against skin, punctuated by moans and gasps of pleasure, sending him over the edge. He dropped his wand on the duvet, hands fumbling for the ties of his pajama trousers. He bit back a whimper as he closed his palm around his erection, giving it a few teasing pumps before kicking the covers back and pulling his trousers down so his movements wouldn't be constricted.

This was wrong. Sweet fucking Merlin, this was wrong. He blocked out thoughts of who was making the noises, instead focusing on the soft grunts and the squeak of bed springs, pretending it was just a porno, like the one Charlie had snuck home at Christmas and they'd all watched, crammed into Bill's old room, studiously avoiding each other's gazes as they surreptitiously wanked under the blankets George had fetched "because of the draft".

This was no different than that, he told himself, biting his lip harder to hold back his own moans as the sounds from the other bed escalated. Oh, god. This was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Ron kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut as his hand flew over his shaft, teasing strokes forgotten as the cries from the nearby bed reached their climax.

His own release spilled over his fist just seconds after the strangled cries had ended, leaving only the sound of several sets of labored breathing echoing throughout the room. He turned his face, burying it in his pillow to try to drown out his own gasps, hoping he'd been more successful than the others. Because Godric above, this was wrong.

He cringed at the thought of what he'd just done, wiping the cooling come from his hand onto the sheet. He'd have to remember to cast a Cleaning Charm in the morning, because he didn't want to risk someone overhearing him do one now.

A few minutes later, when the sounds started up again, he sighed, pulling his pajama bottoms off completely in resignation. He could pretend he wasn't going to wank again or he could enjoy himself while he did, and since he was apparently a pervert anyway, he might as well embrace it.

*** Twenty-four hours earlier ***

"This is daft," Harry murmured against Draco's lips, a thrill of excitement running through him despite his protest.

Draco closed the gap between them, kissing Harry soundly and drawing out a small moan from the dark-haired boy when he slid his hand down Harry's back, slipping underneath the waistband of his denims and teasingly caressing dimple just above his arse.

"Prat," Harry scolded, pushing back against Draco's palm, reveling at the heat of Draco's palm pressed against his flesh.

"I'm telling you, not only will they listen, they'll enjoy it," Draco whispered, forcing his hand further down Harry's denims, molding it around the curve of his arse cheek. He gave Harry's bum a squeeze, drawing another groan from him.

"Listen, you can fuck me. That way they can't tease you about being the girl anymore," Draco said, the earnestness of his tone making Harry's eyes, which had slid shut at the caresses, flick open.

"Wait, they say that about me?"

"Focus, Harry," Draco sighed, yet again wondering how exactly Harry's oh-so-distractible mind worked. Honestly, here he was, offering his delectable arse to Harry, and Harry was worried about the things his roommates said about him?

"But – they all said they were fine with me being gay. I mean, sure, they take the piss a bit, but I thought it was all in fun," Harry muttered, a line forming between his brows as he ran past conversations with his roommates through his mind, examining them.

Draco rolled his eyes, resolved not to let this perfect opportunity to pass him by. He rarely got to sneak away to see Harry at night, but Theo was spending the night in the Infirmary thanks to a virulent strain of Dragon Pox, and he knew he could trust Blaise and Greg not to rat him out to Slughorn.

"All the more reason to do it, then," he purred, ducking his head and nibbling the sensitive skin just behind Harry's ear. Distract, distract, distract. He knew that was the only way he'd be getting laid at all tonight, let alone pranking Harry's dorm.

"Draco!" Harry pushed him away, clearly distraught at the thought that his closest friends were only pretending to accept his homosexuality.

"Jesus, Harry, of course they say things like that!" Draco withdrew his hand, settling against the trunk of the tree whose low branches had been sheltering them from view with a disgusted grimace. "They're teenage boys. They'd find a way to tease you about your masculinity even if you were straight. You hear the things they say about each other, why would you think they wouldn't say things about you?"

Harry mulled it over, finally nodding and blowing out a breath.

"Yeah, I can see that." He studied Draco quietly, a speculative gleam in his eye. "Alright then. But don't tell me the plan, OK? I don't want to know what you're going to do to them, even if they do deserve it."

Draco's face lit with a devious grin, sending a bolt of pure arousal through Harry. There were many drawbacks to dating a self-absorbed, snarky Slytherin, but moments like this made it all worth it.

"It will only be the ones who –"

"I don't care," Harry said, holding his hand up. He planted his feet a shoulder width apart, bracing himself as he rubbed his renewed erection against Draco's hip. The rough bark of the tree scratched against Draco's back, stinging despite the barrier his lightweight jumper provided between it and his skin.

"Tonight, then. Lend me your cloak and I'll slip in just before curfew," Draco said, gasping as Harry's palm closed around his own denim-covered erection, squeezing and rubbing against the fabric.

"Alright." Harry's eyes were tightly closed again, his hips rutting against Draco in time with the strokes of his hand against Draco's crotch.

"You have to – fuck, yes, like that – take my side afterward. You can't get mad at me for what I do to them."

"M'kay," Harry agreed, and Draco belatedly realized he'd gone about the whole thing wrong. He should have waited until they were in the middle of something like this to ask in the first place – then maybe he would have been able to get Harry to agree to it without promising to be the bottom.

Draco felt Harry tense against him, shudders wracking the other boy's body as he came, Harry's hand falling away as it fisted at his side. Before Draco could protest, or dwell any more on his tactical error, Harry was dropping to his knees in front of him, hands fumbling with the fasteners of Draco's denims, forcing them down around his thighs.

"Harry!" he hissed out through his teeth, back arching away from the tree as Harry's mouth wrapped around his cock. "We can't – ohmygod. We can't do this here. Anyone could see!"

Harry's mouth popped off Draco's cock, lips already slightly swollen. Draco groaned at the sight, instantly regretting he'd said anything that would have interrupted what Harry had been doing, risk of getting caught be damned.

"I thought that was the point," Harry said sweetly, quirking a dark eyebrow.

"Getting caught by four of your closest friends is different than teaching the whole of Hufflepuff a lesson in sodomy," Draco snarled, already refastening his denims, grimacing as the fabric stretched tightly over his erection.

"Guess you'll just be extra ready for the show tonight then, won't you?" Harry replied, wiping his mouth with his sleeve and climbing to his feet with a triumphant smirk.

Hours later, Harry realized teasing Draco had not been the best idea. By the time they'd made it through their afternoon classes and dinner in the Great Hall, the blond was practically seething. Harry watched the clock warily in the Gryffindor Common Room, so distracted that he had managed to read only two paragraphs in the hour and a half he'd been studying.

"You've been staring that clock all night," Ron said, tapping a quill against Harry's cheek to get his attention. "Ergh. You're not sneaking out to meet him again tonight, are you?"

Harry blushed, a shiver of excitement running through him as he thought about what Draco had proposed. It had seemed crazy at the time, but as the day had worn on, he'd hardly been able to think of anything else.

"Er, no. No, I'm staying in tonight," Harry said noncommittally.

Ron watched him for a moment longer, finally nodding.

"He didn't look very happy during dinner. You haven't finally had done with him, have you?"

Harry rolled his eyes at the eager smile on Ron's face.

"Oh. Well, good. I suppose. Because, you know."

"Because if you could just get over your pointless feud, you'd realize he was an alright bloke? Because he and I have been together for eight months now? Because I love him? Because –"

"Alright, yes. All of those things," Ron said, eyes going a bit wild with panic about what attributes of Malfoy's Harry might be extolling next.

"Harry loves him alright. He loves his arse!" Seamus called out from the other end of the sofa, where he'd been lounging with his head in Lavender's lap.

Dean made an obscene gesture, smacking his lips together to show just exactly what he thought Harry liked to do to Malfoy's arse.

As the common room erupted into laughter, Harry sighed. They might be teasing him in good fun – Merlin knew they'd done the same thing to Seamus when he'd started shagging Lavender – but he was tired of it. Only Neville remained sober-faced, shaking his head at their antics as Seamus leapt up and pretended to grind his crotch against Dean's face, shrieking with feigned pleasure.

Harry smirked, certain for the first time all day that Draco's plan had merit. He just hoped whatever the blond had in store for his roommates worked the way Draco was planning. When Neville quietly winged a Sticking Charm at Seamus, making his hips adhere to Dean's forehead the next time he arched them forward, Harry finally joined in the laughter. He'd have to suggest Neville find somewhere else to spend the night. It wouldn't do to catch him in whatever prank Draco was planning.

By the time Draco finally made it into the Gryffindor boys' dorm, Harry was nearly beside himself with anticipation.

"Took you long enough," Harry muttered when he felt the bed dip beside him, an invisible weight settling against the mattress. Harry closed his curtains, locking them shut with a spell and adding a Silencing Charm for good measure.

"I had to wait for someone to come through the portrait," Draco growled as he pulled off Harry's cloak, letting it pool at the foot of the bed.

"It's ten minutes after curfew! How hard could it have been to find someone coming in or going out?"

"Harder than you'd imagine, since your Gryffindor brethren seem disgustingly respectful of the rules. I had to wait twenty minutes for anyone to come along, and even then, it was Granger heading out for patrol."

Harry shrugged, and Draco rolled his eyes, fingers moving to unbutton his shirt.

"Did you already do whatever it was you were going to do?" Harry asked, heart skipping as it always did when he watched Draco undress.

"So eloquent," Draco mocked, sliding out of his shirt and rising to his knees on the bed so he could work his belt loose. "It's a complicated spell, and yes, I did. No one should be affected if they don't satisfy the trigger."

"What's the trigger?" Harry asked warily, tongue flicking out to wet his lips as Draco's denims joined his shirt and the cloak at the foot of the bed, revealing his cock, which was already erect, purpled head shiny with precome. Blood pooled in Harry's groin at the sight, bringing him to full hardness as well.

"Wanking off while they listen to us have sex," Draco purred, pouncing on Harry when the dark-haired boy's mouth went slack with shock.

Harry pushed at him, cock throbbing with interest even as his head protested.

"You really think they'll wank while we have sex?" he whispered, both horrified and intrigued.

"Oh yeah," Draco answered, pulling Harry's T-shirt up over his head.

"You really want to have sex knowing they'll be wanking while we do?" Harry asked incredulously. Draco hated his friends. His friends hated Draco. Nothing about this situation made any sense, but he found it undeniably arousing.

"Oh yeah," Draco repeated, his grey eyes darkened with lust. Harry swallowed, his cock bouncing as Draco tugged at his pajama trousers, easing them down over the hardened flesh.

"Alright then," Harry said, voice a bit strangled. "I'll just lower the Silencing Spell, then, shall I?"

Draco gave him a rakish grin, waiting until Harry had lowered the spell before closing his hand around Harry's erection, making the other boy groan loudly at the unexpected assault. Harry's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he thought about Seamus, Dean and Ron hearing the wanton sound, grateful beyond belief that he'd sent Neville away for the evening.

"Do that again," Draco prompted, his callused palm sliding over the satiny skin of Harry's shaft. His thumb dipped into Harry's slit, wetted by the precome that had gathered there. Harry's lips parted involuntarily, an unmistakably groan of pleasure shattering the silence of the room.

Harry bit his lip, leaning against Draco's shoulder as the other boy pumped his cock mercilessly. He felt a bit ashamed to be taking so much pleasure from the thought that someone was listening to them, but then Draco was kissing him, one hand still stroking him as fingertips feathered over Harry's back, leaving a trail of gooseflesh as they traveled down to the cleft of his arse, and suddenly Harry wasn't thinking about anything other than how good it felt.

"I thought you were going to bottom," he whispered against Draco's lips, a smile curving his own when the blond laughed softly.

"That was before you left me hard and horny at the edge of the Forbidden Forest with a gaggle of Hufflepuffs just a few meters away playing gobstones," Draco chided, abandoning Harry's cock so he could grab a small pot of lubricant from his bedside table.

Harry watched as Draco dipped two long fingers in the slippery substance, his cock throbbing with excitement. Draco set the pot aside, his thumb rubbing slow circles against the slicked fingers, making Harry imagine how the motion would feel against his entrance as Draco teased him open.

"Unless you want me to stop?" Draco asked, one blond eyebrow arched as his hand hovered just above the cleft of Harry's arse, amusement sparkling in his eyes.

"Of course I don't, you bastard," Harry growled, hissing out a breath when Draco obliged, the slightly rough pad of his thumb tracing the same small circles over the puckered flesh.

"Fair's fair," Draco said equitably, pressing a bit harder and just breaching the muscle. Harry shuddered against him, teeth clenched at the pleasurable sensation. "I'll fuck you, and then you can fuck me."

Harry groaned as the teasing touches stopped, replaced by the insistent press of a finger. He relaxed into the touch, letting Draco slowly stretch him before adding a second digit, both fingers sliding in and out of Harry's arse with maddening slowness.

"Goddamn it, Draco, just do it," Harry growled, pushing Draco back against the bed and straddling his hips.

Draco smirked at him, reaching out for the pot of lubricant again so he could slick his cock. He groaned loudly as he stroked himself, and Harry snickered, shaking his head at the exaggerated sound. When Draco started to moan out Harry's name, Harry grabbed his cock and squeezed it in warning. Draco laughed, a sound muffled by Harry's mouth when the dark-haired boy leaned forward to kiss him.

Draco nipped at Harry's bottom lip, tongue soothing over the bite and then sliding into Harry's mouth. When Harry sighed and leaned into the kiss, Draco took advantage of his distraction and rubbed his cock against Harry's entrance teasingly.

"Yeah," Harry groaned, breaking the kiss and pushing himself up so he could position himself above Draco's cock. The blond obligingly helped, steadying Harry with a hand on his waist while his other hand holding his cock so Harry could impale himself on the hard length. He hissed out a breath as he sank down, thighs trembling with the effort of holding himself up as tiny sparks of pleasure cut through the burn as his channel stretched to accommodate Draco's cock.

Harry's breath hitched as Draco arched his hips, forcing himself deeper as he tried to hit Harry's prostate. Harry ground against him, rolling his hips and crying out when Draco's cock brushed against the tiny bunch of nerve endings, wordless moans falling from his lips in a steady stream as he spiraled closer to release.

Draco's gaze was fixed on Harry's face, watching as Harry lost the battle to quiet his moans, giving over completely to his arousal. His own release threatened, the burn of it building insistently low in his belly, but he held off as long as he could, pumping up into Harry as the other boy ground down, both of them covered in a fine sheen of sweat from their exertions.

When he couldn't hold off any longer, Draco released Harry's waist, grabbing his cock and pumping it furiously. Seconds later Harry was gasping, falling forward as he painted Draco's chest with ropes of come. As soon as Harry's orgasm ended, Draco pulled out and flipped him around, thrusting back inside before Harry's hazy brain could process what was happening. Draco pounded into him with force that bordered on violent as he sought his own release, and Harry mewled underneath him as his sensitive cock rubbed against the bedclothes, hardening again despite the fact he'd only just come.

Draco snaked an arm underneath him, pulling him up when he realized Harry's discomfort. Harry braced his arms against the mattress, teeth clenched to hold back the sobbing moans that Draco's thrusts were tearing from his throat, the sounds of Draco's answering groans only heightening his growing arousal.

"Fuck, Harry," Draco gasped, losing the rhythm of his thrusts as he came, fingers digging into Harry's hips where they had been splayed.

Harry fell forward when Draco slumped heavily against him, both of them breathing harshly. He winced when Draco pulled out, sore from the enthusiastic fucking, his cock throbbing at the thought of returning the favor as soon as Draco had recovered from his orgasm.

Draco rolled to the side, pressing a kiss against Harry's jaw before raising a finger to his lips. Harry grinned, understanding the message. Despite the fact that his lungs were already burning for air, Harry held his breath, listening carefully for his roommates. One second ticked by, then two, before Harry's face split with silent laughter.

See? Draco mouthed, the satisfied smirk on his face making Harry gasp for air, his shoulders shaking with laughter that turned into a groan when Draco rubbed against him, apparently already ready for the next round.

***

"Gentlemen, if you won't tell me who cast this spell on you, I'll have no choice but to give you detention for disrupting classes," the Headmistress said sternly, her lips twitching with the effort of not smiling.

She had a very good idea who was behind the prank, and even she had to admit they'd had it coming. Still, she couldn't be seen approving of such behavior. She just hoped it had the desired effect, convincing the boys to stop teasing Harry about his relationship with Draco Malfoy. She'd been as surprised as anyone – more so, even, since she knew more of their combined history than anyone else – when the two boys had set aside their differences in the months after the war ended. That it had led to them dating had been even more of a shock, but she had to admit that the school ran much more smoothly with the two of them snogging instead of fighting. And now that they'd dealt with the matter of Harry's friends, perhaps total peace would follow.

She studied the boys assembled in her office coolly, waiting to see if any of them would break. When no one did, she wondered exactly how Mr. Malfoy had managed to not only curse them, but curse them in a manner that left them unwilling to out him as the perpetrator. Because it had definitely been Malfoy; there was no way Harry would have been involved in cursing his own friends, no matter how much they deserved it.

"Alright then," she said, her lips pursed. "Detention, all three of you. You're to assist Professor Slughorn cataloging potions ingredients in his storeroom until whatever caused this –" she waved her hand in their direction effusively "– wears off or you decide to come forward about who cast it."

Seamus, Dean and Ron nodded, all three burning with humiliation. There was no way they'd ever confess who had done this to them, since it would raise questions about how and why it had been done. And that, well, that was best left buried.

"I'll never say anything about them again," Ron swore vehemently as the three trudged down to the dungeons.

Dean and Seamus nodded, their eyes glued to the floor as they quickly made their way through the corridor, unwilling to make eye contact with any of the passing students, all of whom turned to stare at them, the shy ones giggling behind their hands while the others called out suggestive comments or leered at them.

"Me either, mate," Seamus said, flinching when he heard Lavender shriek. He'd managed to hide from her so far, but apparently his luck had run out.

It wasn't until they'd made their way all the way down to the Potions classroom that they hit rock bottom. Snape's portrait, which had fallen off every wall McGonagall had tried to affix it to until she brought it down to the dungeons, surveyed them as they passed, snickering loudly.

"Ron Weasley is a kinky slut," he sneered, reading the words that flashed in neon over Ron's head. "How charming."

*** End ***