This is a series of thirty-six stories that are being posted as chapters, each of which has several parts. It covers Harm and Mac's life beginning with the events surrounding the coin toss and takes us on a journey through the next three and a half years of their lives together. They withstand many trials and tribulations and experience many joys and sorrows along the way. As you read each chapter, think of it as a JAG episode that extends the series.

It took three years to write these stories, and I hope that you find that I've treated the characters that you love with respect as their life runs its course.

When you read this series, I hope that you will enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed writing it, and whether you feel moved enough to leave a review or not, I thank you for reading.

Disclaimer:JAG and its characters are the property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount. No copyright infringement intended.

Fate Decides Our Future, Volume I

By: fananicfan

CHAPTER ONE - THE COIN TOSS

PART ONE - Harm Reflects

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2005

WESTOVER REHABILITATION CENTER

ARLINGTON, VA

Harm arrived earlier than usual for his visit with Mattie and was waiting for her to return from physical therapy.

Thankful that he had a few moments to think before Mattie returned, Harm sat alone in Mattie's room, quietly reflecting on today's unexpected news.

Harm knew that he should be elated by the achievement. However, personal concerns stifled his enthusiasm.

Harm had concerns about Mattie, but he'd already filed for custody of her, so he had a plan of action already in motion on that front. No, what weighed heavier on his mind at the moment was that he had no idea what to do about the fact that he and Mac were being transferred to duty stations thousands of miles apart.

As if the past would provide answers, Harm's mind drifted back, not to the beginning but to the point where he believed that his relationship with Mac had begun to unravel. It had been about two years ago when he'd failed to share his suspicions of who the father of Lieutenant Singer's baby was.

Though they'd been in a better place in recent months, once he'd begun to think about that one low point, other events that had served to continue the deterioration of their relationship over the last two years came to him as well.

Harm hadn't been trying to deceive Mac or intentionally keep her in the dark. He'd thought that he was doing the right thing. He'd thought that it was Lt. Singer's right not to disclose the father's identity. Besides, he'd had no proof as to the identity of the father, so Mac's investigation might have been tainted by him relating his speculation to her while she'd been trying to delicately investigate the paternity of Singer's child.

In a cell accused of Singer's murder, Harm had had a lot of time on his hands and had spent a great deal of it thinking. He realized that he'd become too involved in Singer's situation, but, at the time, he'd believed that she was carrying his niece or nephew. Inevitably, Harm's thoughts of how willing he'd been to raise the child as his own led him to think about fatherhood. It wasn't a new thought, just one that always seemed to be for a time in the future.

After he'd been cleared of the charges and released, Harm had realized that he needed to decide if he was ready or just having a knee jerk reaction to his recent situation. He owed it to Mac and their child to be one hundred percent sure. Neither of them had currently been in a relationship, so he'd had time to settle back into life without bars and deliberate on the subject before talking to Mac, but with a year or so left until the deadline of the 'baby deal,' he'd thought that it might be time to start planning.

Harm had been playing his guitar and thinking about Mac when she'd knocked on his door. She'd entered saying that she'd come by to check on him and had begun to remove her coat. He hadn't had time to reach any conclusions about his readiness for fatherhood, but with her here, he'd wondered if he should talk to her about it, even if only in general terms. For instance, did she still want to have a baby with him? When she'd turned to face him, whatever he'd been going to say had been forgotten because seeing her pregnant had rocked him.

Harm remembered the scene like it was yesterday.

He'd moved closer to Mac as they'd talked, and when he'd been close enough, he'd splayed his hand over her round belly. He couldn't explain it, but it hadn't felt right. A feeling of relief had washed over him when she'd confirmed that it wasn't real but part of a cover story. A bolt of fear had shot through Harm as she'd told him of the mission that was taking her to Paraguay that night. He'd asked her not to go, but wasn't surprised when she'd left. Mac was a woman of her word, and she'd agreed to go. She'd also had no way of knowing what had weighed on his mind and what a big part of his future he'd thought that she was going to be.

In the days that had followed her visit, Harm had lost count of the number of times that he'd wondered if there had been something that he could have said or done that would have kept her from leaving his apartment that evening.

A few days after Mac's departure, the feeling of fear had returned to Harm, but this time it hadn't come in a bolt. It had come in the form of a nagging feeling of doom. He'd been able to push the feeling aside by day, but at night, he hadn't been able to keep it at bay. When he'd fallen asleep, the nightmares had begun, nightmares of Mac being killed, and he'd awakened and been unable to sleep any more.

When Harm had found out that Mac had missed several check-ins and was missing, he'd thought of nothing but bringing her home. After the admiral had denied him permission to go after her, he'd just blurted out, "Then I quit." In his office, preparing his resignation, he'd finally had to admit it if only to himself. He not only loved her, but he was in love with her.

Harm had realized that he was in love with her, but it wasn't something that had just happened. However, the luxury of time to figure out when he'd fallen in love with her, for how long he'd felt that way or even if he wanted to act on his feelings hadn't been his at the moment. He'd needed to find her and bring her home alive before any of that would be relevant.

Harm had arrived in Paraguay, as they say in the movies, 'in the nick of time,' but seeing her shackled to a table so she could be tortured had made him sick to his stomach. With her lying there defenseless, it had made shooting the man in the room easy, although not pleasant or enjoyable. As he'd removed the shackles from her wrists and ankles, his body had been filled with rage. His rage had been fueled by his anger with her for going, anger with himself for not convincing her not to go, and most of all, anger with Webb for having involved her in that assignment in the first place.

Once they'd made it back to town and to the hotel where Mac and Webb had stayed, while Mac had been bathing, Harm had sat on the bed, his head reeling from recent events: his resignation, his realization of being in love with Mac, his "wedding," seeing Mac on that table, the bloodshed and witnessing her kissing Webb. How could she kiss the man who'd almost gotten her killed? Those thoughts had been with him when he'd entered the bathroom to warn her that they had company. He'd looked at her in the bathtub and hadn't been able to look away because he hadn't been able to believe it…he'd actually forgotten how beautiful she was.

Later that night, a pleasant conversation and near kiss between them had been interrupted by Gunny and Webb's arrival. Webb's remarks about the room being his and Sarah's honeymoon suite had gotten to Harm. After securing a second room for their guests, they'd tried to talk again, but Harm had let the images in his head and his emotions cause him to be evasive or caustic with his answers. Since he hadn't seemed to be able to control his tone with Mac, talking had equaled fighting, so he'd asked to table the conversation. Harm had felt that, if they tabled the talk until they were back in Washington and settled into their routines, cooler heads would prevail and he'd win her forgiveness for words that he'd spoken in anger or jealousy.

She'd changed his thinking and shaken him to the core the night they'd left Paraguay with one word, "Never."

When they'd returned to Washington, the admiral had informed him that he was out of the Navy. Without JAG, the Navy or Mac, Harm had been lost. He hadn't really wanted the job with the CIA, but he'd had nothing else, so why not? They'd wanted him, and he'd had no one who'd miss him while he was away.

Harm had heard the rumors around the CIA during his months there that Webb was serious about a woman with whom he'd recently worked. Having witnessed some of the interaction between Mac and Webb himself in Webb's hospital room for example, he'd felt certain that Webb would or had won Mac over. The rumors might have been more speculation than fact, but he'd felt sure that there was more truth to the rumors than he'd wanted.

Mac had called him during his stint with the CIA, and he'd listened to all her messages, but hadn't responded to any of them. He'd feared that speaking to her would spark the anger and jealousy that he'd felt and make matters worse. In what had equated to the blink of an eye to him, he'd gone from wanting a baby with her, to knowing that he loved her, to having nothing. He'd needed time to sort through things before speaking with her.

When Harm had become unemployed again, he'd felt alone and, being in an empty apartment had made him feel not only alone, but lonely, and he'd wanted a family more than ever.

One evening, Mac had brought some files by for him to review - old cases involving Commander Carolyn Imes. Harm hadn't known if it was the sight of Mac or the fact that she hadn't denied a relationship with Webb that had ignited his anger, but either way, he hadn't been very nice to her.

It had been that same night, and Mac had still been at his apartment when Catherine Gale had reappeared in his life. Catherine had mentioned Mac's 'get away from my man look,' but he hadn't acknowledged her comment in any way. Instead, since Mac had failed to comment on the state of her relationship or lack of one with Webb, Harm had assumed that his chance with her was gone.

Harm's life had been a mess, and he'd needed to clear his head. He'd acquired a motorcycle, so he'd set out for the airfield in Blacksburg where he stored Sarah, his vintage plane.

Harm remembered part of his internal dialogue on his ride out there. "Just great! I might have to change the name of my plane if I can't get over her. I named the plane after my grandmother, but with my current heartache over another Sarah ... of course, I usually call one of them Mac. Maybe I can keep my Sarahs separate. Sure I can. That's why I'm having this conversation with myself about it right now."

The motorcycle ride had been freeing to his spirit and had served to lighten his mood. He'd been sure that, after a tune up on his vintage plane, a flight where he could be in control would finish clearing his head. He'd made it to the airfield, but he hadn't taken to the skies in his plane. He'd met a teenage girl named Mattie and taken a job crop dusting.

Having seen Mac, he'd known that he wasn't over her, but it had been apparent that she was over him, and he'd needed to move on. Catherine was an intelligent and attractive woman, and she'd been pregnant. He'd thought that a relationship with her would give him the family that he wanted.

During dinner with Catherine, he'd asked her about them trying a relationship. He should've realized that Catherine wouldn't be so easily charmed into a relationship with him. She was a good attorney and had known that his lack of comment about Mac's look had inferred that there had been unfinished business between them. Catherine had also been aware of what he'd given up to go after Mac in Paraguay.

The memory of that evening caused him to chuckle as he sat waiting for Mattie. He hadn't liked being turned down that night, but now he was glad. The odds that he would have taken guardianship of Mattie or be this close to Mac again would've been slim if Catherine had said yes that evening.

It hadn't been long after Harm's crop dusting job had begun that the chance to return to the Navy had become an option. He'd known that he'd wanted to go back as soon as the option had been mentioned. He hadn't been sure that going back was a good idea, but he'd missed it. He'd also been caught off guard by two things as he'd reviewed his options: he hadn't wanted to leave Mattie and he hadn't been sure that he could face Mac. He'd been a little resistant to believe that a bond had formed so quickly between him and Mattie, but it had happened to him once before - with Mac. He'd decided that he was going back to the Navy, that he'd file a petition to become Mattie's legal guardian and that he was going to face Mac.

Back at JAG Headquarters, Harm had been assigned to Sturgis's old office, the remodeled supply closet, out of sight and away from the action of the bullpen, but there had been an uncertainty in the air. Harriet and Bud had seemed happy to have him back, but had stayed at arm's length. He'd quickly learned that the admiral had warned the staff not to be too helpful or supportive. He'd had to earn his spot at JAG all over again. Sturgis had seemed disturbed and angry, but it hadn't seemed to be anger at him. Mac had been supportive of his return, and they'd established a working relationship with relative ease. However, their friendship had been another story.

After several weeks, he'd settled into a routine. During this transition time, he'd seen Mac around the office and he'd come to realize that the anger that he'd felt towards her wasn't really anger at all, but pain from the loss of the one person whom he'd never wanted to lose. Their friendship had remained strained, but had seemed to get better each day - as long as Webb's name hadn't come up. At the mention of that man's name, he'd become snide. Keeping his feelings in check had been hard, but he'd known that he had to do it to preserve a friendship with Mac or he'd lose her again, and this time for good. So Harm had tried to keep conversations with Mac to business or office related topics, avoiding either of their personal lives in hopes of laying a new foundation for a better, stronger friendship this time around.

It had been Christmastime 2003 when Harm had gone to see Mac for a conversation of a personal nature. He'd wanted her to vouch for him as a family man. He hadn't been surprised that they'd ended up in a fight, but he had been surprised when she'd showed up to testify on his behalf. During her statement, Mac had become emotional when speaking about the kind of man that she'd want to father her child and how he was that kind of man. His chest had tightened at the thought that there still might be a possibility that she'd wanted a child with him. He'd found, though the current state of their relationship had been fragile, that he'd been easily able to envision them with a baby.

That Christmas Eve at The Wall, the possibility of having a baby with her had seemed less likely. She'd spoken to Mattie's father and had brought Mattie to him, but had left for a date with Webb. Oh, how he'd wanted her to stay.

After Mac had dealt with Sadik on her own, she'd been angry all the time. At first, Harm had thought that she was angry with him for not going with her, though she'd been the one to tell him not to go because he'd be a liability. She'd been right. He hadn't recovered completely from the affects of the explosion. Harm had wondered, until she'd been confrontational with the admiral, if she'd been angry with him for being hurt and unable to go with her. However, after witnessing Mac's interaction with others, and especially with the admiral, he'd known that she'd just been angry in general. He'd wanted to help her get through that emotional period, but whether he'd liked it or not, Mac had been involved with someone else. He'd needed to let her relationship with Webb take its course without interference from him. She deserved to be happy and he'd wanted that for her even if that meant that he'd be without her. It hadn't been his place to go to her, but if she'd come to him…that would have been a different story. He'd have welcomed her without hesitation.

The admiral's Dining Out had been held the week of the deadline on their baby deal. With Webb's recent death, Harm had known that it was bad timing, but when the discussion had gone in a direction that had allowed him to bring up the subject, he'd felt that he had to take it. He hadn't known how bad his timing had truly been until she'd confided in him what the doctor had told her and why she'd had a medical procedure earlier in the day. As she'd spoken, he'd been filled with sadness. He'd been feeling the loss of the child that he'd wanted with her. He hadn't been able to imagine how she must have been feeling if he'd been upset by the news. He'd known that she'd needed time to deal with her grief, but he'd wanted her to know that he wanted to be part of her life and that her news really hadn't changed what he wanted with her. It would change only how it happened. It hadn't been the right time to tell her that he loved her, but that's how he'd known for certain that 'how it happened' didn't matter to him.

Harm had researched Mac's condition and the possibilities. The information that he'd gathered had given him hope that it might still be possible for her to conceive or at least carry a child. He'd tried to share the information with her, but she hadn't been ready, and he hadn't wanted to push. She'd said, "Let me come to you." He'd just had to wait.

When Mac had thought that Webb was still alive, he'd been able to see the whirlpool of emotions in her eyes. He'd tried to get her to talk to him about what she'd do if she found out that Webb was alive, but it had been more than she'd been willing to talk about. He'd tried to get her to talk to him after they'd found Webb, but she'd declined the offer. He'd told her that she knew where to find him when she was ready to come to him.

Without Webb in the picture, it had been easier for Harm to talk to Mac, but she hadn't been in a frame of mind to listen, and they'd made no real progress in rebuilding their friendship, let alone in any other area. However, that had changed this past Christmas Eve.

Harm had been on his way out of his office when the phone had rung. He'd considered not answering it since it had been Christmas Eve after all. When the paramedic on the other end had told him of Mac's car accident, his whole body had tensed up. He'd raced to the hospital with his heart in his throat. To say that he'd been relieved when the doctor had told them that she'd be fine had been an understatement.

Harm had spent the night with her at the hospital, and she'd apologized for pushing him away, and that had been a start in the right direction. Maybe it had been her brush with death, the spirit of the season or his affirmation that he'd still be there for her, but something had happened between them that night that had renewed his faith that they were going to bridge the divide that had been between them.

In the weeks that had followed Mac's accident, they'd become more and more relaxed with each other. The old banter had seemed to be returning and things between them had definitely been better in general. The bond between them hadn't been broken - bruised, but not broken. Harm had known that they'd needed to reestablish the closeness that they'd once shared and allow any other relationship to blossom from that.

The rebuilding of their relationship had gone off course with Mattie's accident. Mac had been in San Diego on business when Mattie's accident had occurred. Harm had called her, but she'd been busy, and he'd erected his protective barriers. They'd been firmly in place when she'd returned his call and, with the news on Mattie having been bleak, he hadn't wanted to talk to her.

When Mac had come to the hospital to check on him and Mattie, he'd been glad to see her and grateful for her concern. He'd answered her questions, but he hadn't been able open up to her. When her hand had eased over his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, he'd had to tell her to stop. Her words, "let me know when you need me" had echoed in his head as she'd walked away. He'd wished that she'd understood that he had needed her, but if he'd allowed her in then, he'd feared that she'd walk away when she'd felt that she'd no longer be needed. He'd wanted so much more from her than comfort in a moment of crisis, but would she have believed him if he'd let her in during a crisis? He hadn't had time to speculate at the time. He'd needed to focus on Mattie's needs, and Mac, through no fault of her own making, had been a distraction to that.

Mattie had remained in a coma and, with no signs of waking up, Harm had run out of leave time, so he'd returned to work. He'd been working as the prosecution on a case against the opposing counsel of Bud and Mac. He'd worked up the nerve to go ask Mac to grab some lunch with him, but Mac had said that she and Bud had already ordered in. Mac had asked him to join them, but he hadn't been in the mood to be one of the three musketeers. He'd just wanted to be near Mac. Bud had shown up, and Harm had made an attempt to cover his lunch invitation by saying that he'd only wanted to know if their client was willing to take a deal. Harm had known that at least Mac had sensed something else, but with Bud present, she hadn't called him on it, and Harm hadn't volunteered any information. He'd gone back to his office, hoping that maybe they could have dinner when Mattie was better, and he'd be able to explain his behavior towards her at the hospital then.

Mattie had still been in the coma, and commuting everyday to see her after work had been exhausting to Harm. Mac had caught him asleep in his office and she'd voiced her concern for him. When she'd come in later, she'd thought that he'd been asleep, but he hadn't been, and she'd voiced her concern again. She'd said that he needed to let someone in, even if it wasn't her. Of course, he'd wanted it to be her. Why had it always been that, when an opportunity had arisen to talk to her, the timing had been wrong?

Harm had seen the hurt in her eyes when Mac had said, "When I needed support, you were there, and I pushed you away, so I suppose I deserve this."

Harm's response had been, "I'm not pushing you away, Mac. This isn't about payback." That statement had seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Harm hadn't thought that she'd believed him because he'd been able to see the pain in her eyes as she'd spoken. "Harm, you can't keep going on like this. You have to let someone in. Not me, fine, but someone!" The hurt had still been visible in her eyes when she'd added, "Say hi to Mattie for me."

Harm had been worried, tired and stressed, and that afternoon he'd made a mental note to add crazy to the list because the woman, the woman he'd wanted had wanted to go see Mattie with him, be there for him. She'd been trying to be a friend to him, and he'd told her no. Harm hadn't wanted to ruin the progress that they'd made since Christmas and cause a set back in their renewed friendship. He'd wished that he had a magic wand. He'd make Mattie better and wave it over Mac so that she'd understand his reasons for keeping her at a distance.

Mattie had come out of the coma four weeks ago, and with the fear of Mattie never waking removed from Harm's thoughts, he'd started to relax some. He'd still been commuting daily, and being exhausted was now a way of life. Mattie had regained sensation in her arms within the first few days and, by the end of the first week, she'd been able to scratch her nose. By the end of the second week, she'd begun to have sensation in her legs.

With Mattie's condition improving, Harm had often found that his thoughts on his ride out to Blacksburg had been drifting to Mac more than they had been during Mattie's coma. So, on the second Thursday after Mattie had awakened, he'd asked Mac to ride with him to Blacksburg to visit Mattie and he'd asked her to accompany him on the next two Thursdays as well.

The doctors had been impressed by the amazing progress that Mattie was making and believed that her prognosis was very good, feeling that a 95% recovery was probable, a 98% would be great, but a 100%, though possible, wasn't likely. Only time would tell if Mattie was going to have limitations or how severe her limitations would be, but the doctors did believe that, with time and the right therapy, she'd walk again.

Well on her way to recovery, five days ago, Mattie had been moved to a residential rehabilitation hospital near Arlington. At the residential facility, she had a physical therapist, a counselor for the emotional needs of recovery and a tutor to catch her up on her schoolwork.

With Mattie now in Arlington, Harm was able to work, keep up his daily visits with Mattie and get a few hours of sleep each night, a much easier schedule to maintain for him than that of the past weeks when he'd been making the long drive to and from Blacksburg each day.

After five days at the new hospital, Harm had planned to make that 'explaining to Mac' dinner happen soon, but General Cresswell's bombshell today had changed things.

They had only three days left together in the same country.

Harm had told Mac that they had things to discuss other than staffing issues in her office today, but she hadn't seemed to catch his inference.

Harm was so lost in his thoughts that it took Mattie calling his name three times before he acknowledged that she'd returned to her room.

"Hi. How was therapy?" Harm asked, unaware that Mattie had had to repeat his name three times in order to get his attention.

"It was difficult and painful. So, no different than the last time," Mattie replied, slowly assessing the look on Harm's face.

"They said that it would be that way for a while, but that it would get easier," Harm reminded her.

"Yeah, too bad I can't get someone to substitute for me until I get to the easier part," Mattie responded sarcastically.

Harm started talking about his petition for custody, but Mattie was tired from being at physical therapy, and he was using legal terminology, so she was having a hard time following what he was trying to tell her.

Mattie focused on his face, trying to pay extra attention, but her mind couldn't stay focused on anything other than the look in his eyes. This legal stuff wasn't what had been on his mind when she'd come into the room. Harm had been thinking about something else ... but what? However, it didn't take Mattie long to zero in on what he'd been dwelling on before she'd come back to her room.

She waited for Harm to finish his legal explanation of his petition to the court, but, since she hadn't been listening to most of what he'd said and hadn't understood what she did hear, she replied with, "Okay," before jumping right into the fire by asking, "Have you said goodbye to Mac? Are you going to tell her that you love her?"

His reply was soft and only slightly above a whisper in volume. "No, and I don't know if I can."

"You need to tell her, Harm. She loves you, too, you know."

"She does, huh, and how would you know that? Never mind. I don't want to talk about it right now."

That was the only exchange on the topic between the two of them. Apparently, Harm hadn't been finished explaining the matter of her custody, and the rest of his visit was more legal discussion about the update that he'd submitted to the court, informing them of his change in duty station and his promotion. His promotion meant more pay and less travel, so it should help tilt the scale in his favor. He'd also submitted a request for immediate temporary custody so that they could travel to London together. However, he was honest with her that it was unlikely that temporary custody would be granted and explained the legal reasons why he felt that the court would rule that way.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Harm went to see Mattie after leaving the office. Though the court hadn't ruled on the issue of permanent custody, Harm's request for immediate temporary custody had been denied.

The court had cited Mattie's medical needs as the primary reason. They'd discussed it yesterday and, though neither one of them liked the decision, both had been prepared for it and understood the court's concerns. Harm tried to reassure Mattie that, even though they weren't leaving together, he'd be only a phone call or an email away until she'd be able to join him.

After leaving the hospital, Harm went to Mac's apartment, hoping for an opening in the conversation to discuss the 'us' topic. He left her apartment having talked about subleasing, about Mattie, about the JAG staff, about the transfer of his caseload and little else.

After leaving Mac's apartment, he thought through the subject of their separation at great length. All those months ago, he'd agreed to let her come to him when she was ready. Even if this was to be the last time that he ever saw her, he hadn't wanted to push her into a conversation that she wasn't ready for, no matter what he wanted. He also knew that he couldn't say goodbye. What was he going to do? What could he do?