Om Nom Nom, Hamster-chan!

A Hayate the Combat Butler fic

By EvilFuzzy9

A/N: Well, I've recently gotten somewhat addicted to the Hayate the Combat Butler manga, but when I looked for fanfics... Imagine my surprise to discover a measly three pages! And I decided that this must be remedied! … And I like Nishizawa. She's so cute! X3

Also, this fic will be sort of like An Immodest Puppet's Proposal (which I promise, I'm working on updating) in that it will be a harem fic. However, I intend to play the harem tropes straighter in this fic. … As for whether or not this fic will become as immensely perverted as its spiritual predecessor, I'm not sure. (Though I have a feeling that a few readers may hope so...)

P.S. At one point, my spell-check suggested 'Nazi Sanhedrin' as the correct spelling for 'Nagi Sanzen'in'. You just can't make up that kind of hilarious oxymoron.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hayate the Combat Butler, or anything else. If I did, Hinagiku, Maria, and Ayumu would make out.

Chapter One:

The Final Solution

Nagi Sanzen'in. That name sent chills down her spine. The very thought of that blonde, pigtailed she-devil was enough to induce rage-vomiting. In the honest opinion of Ayumu Nishizawa, that flat-chested aristocrat was nothing more than a spoiled brat, and Nagi herself felt similarly about Ayumu, so there was no love lost between them.

… So why were the two of them meeting in such a conspiratorial manner?

Nagi and Ayumu were in one of the many side-buildings on the Sanzen'in estate. The former was dressed in a clearly copyrighted orange and blue jumpsuit, while the latter was dressed in all black like a traditional kabuki stagehand. And both of them stood out like sore thumbs.

"Now," Nagi began, looking at Ayumu with lazy contempt, "what did you want to say to me?"

"I know you like Hayate," Nishizawa stated bluntly.

"So?" It wasn't like it was exactly secret. Everyone and their dog knew about the heiress's borderline unhealthy crush on her indebted butler, with the exception of the butler himself (a fact that continually escaped Nagi).

The sixteen year-old girl smirked. "Well, I'm just wondering what you know about s-e-x," she said in a cheerfully sing-song voice.

Nagi blushed. "Wh-what does that have to do with anything?-!"

Ayumu chuckled evilly. "Hayate-kun is a growing boy. He has needs that he needs satisfied," she said as she not-so-subtly adjusted her modest-sized breasts,.

Nagi scowled. That stupid hamster was not-so-inexplicably pissing her off. "So? He's my butler," she replied, "... And he gets plenty of food and water," she added as an afterthought.

Nishizawa's playful smirk grew into a full-blown Cheshire-grin. "Those aren't the needs I'm talking about. …Could it be that you don't know about the birds and the bees?" she wondered in a mischievous tone.

Nagi's temples throbbed furiously. "Of course I know about that! How could I possibly have as high a level of INT as I do, without knowing about something as fundamental as sexual reproduction?-!"

Ayumu ignored the wealthy young blond in favor of thinking aloud to herself. "Hmm, I wonder about that..." She once again turned her attention to the young Miss Sanzen'in. "You say that, but what would you do if you walked into his room while he was masturbating?"

Nagi snarled even as her face was flushed a deep red. "Slander! Slander!" she shouted in outrage, pointing accusingly at Nishizawa. "How dare you say such a thing! Hayate doesn't masturbate!" she declared with absolute certainty, repeating "Slander!" once more for good measure. The girl likely would have continued her rant, but she was stopped short by the sensation of a level of fear akin to what one would feel if somebody was holding a 'plus five dagger of murderous exsanguination'to one's throat.

"Who's slandering whom, I wonder?" came the deceptively serene voice of Maria, who was standing at the door to the room, her shadow like the presence of a cold-blooded killer, "And how would you even know whether or not Hayate masturbates, milady?" she calmly asked as killing intent filled the room.

"Eep!" Nagi squeaked as she hid behind a temporarily catatonic Nishizawa. "I don't!" she cried out hastily, "It's not as if I watch him on CCTV, or anything!"

Maria's eyebrow twitched. 'Such specific denial...' The maid shook her head. "But still, can you really say for certain that Hayate doesn't masturbate...?" The "After all, he is a guy," went unsaid, mainly because Hayate often acted more girly than actual girls, but also because saying such a thing would be perpetuating a downright barbaric double-standard, and Maria did not believe in doing such things. Nope, she certainly did not (though to be fair, as far tsunderes went, Maria was actually quite understanding).

Nagi stomped her foot on the floor in childish obstinance. "He's my butler!" she exclaimed, "So if I say Hayate doesn't masturbate, then he doesn't masturbate!"

Nishizawa frowned. "Hmph, as to be expected from a Sanzen'in... You don't care about the needs of others," she muttered, as if she had been expecting Nagi's response.

"What?-!" Nagi roared, "How dare you say such a thing! How dare you!" She turned to Maria. "Maria, I care about other people, right? Tell that hamster how selfless I am!" she ordered.

"…" Maria looked at Nagi expressionlessly, then she turned to look at Ayumu. She looked back to Nagi, not saying a word.

"Hey!" Nagi exclaimed indignantly, "You were thinking 'Should I lie?' just now, weren't you! Traitor! Benedict Arnold!"

"... I was thinking nothing of the sort..." Maria lied blatantly, looking out a conveniently positioned window as she did so.

"Liar!" Nagi exclaimed accusingly. "Liar, liar, pants on fire, nose as long as a telephone wire!" she chanted as she poked the maid with an accusing finger.

"Ahem," interrupted Nishizawa as she cleared her throat, trying to get the conversation back on track. "We were talking about how Nagi is cruelly preventing Hayate-kun from developing a healthy sexuality, remember?" she reminded the maid and her mistress.

"I am not!" Nagi denied irefully.

"... Actually, you kind of are," Maria reluctantly informed her mistress. Nagi didn't make it any easier, either, the way her eyes watered up.

"See?" Ayumu smirked sweetly at the younger girl, "Even your maid agrees with me: you're repressing Hayate-kun's sexuality, preventing him from growing up into a well-adjusted adult. As if he needs any more issues!" she added the last part under her breath, directing a disapproving glare at the offending heiress.

Nagi sniffled. "But... I'm not emotionally ready to make love to him..." the thirteen year-old whimpered, looking uncharacteristically shy as a Single Glistening Teardrop™ fell from her eyes to the ground.

Nishizawa smiled kindly on the outside, while on the inside she was going 'Squee!' at how adorably vulnerable Nagi looked. "Don't worry," she whispered, tenderly putting a finger to Nagi's lips, "I'll break Hayate in for you, and when your old enough I'll even give advice on how to please him."

Nagi stared up at Ayumu with big, watery eyes. Sniffling cutely, the petite blonde nodded her head. "... th-thank you..." she whispered gratefully. For some reason, Hamster-chan looked much more mature and beautiful, and she seemed to be sparkling while cherry blossoms fell through the air around her. However, Nagi could not care less as she nuzzled the older girl's bosom.

"I know," Ayumu said soothingly, stroking the younger girl's hair even as her face broke out into a victorious grin.

Later in the evening, the sky above shining in the vibrant hues of the sunset, Nishizawa had just exited the gate outside the Sanzen'in estate when she was approached by an elderly, gray-haired gentleman with glasses and a trim mustache. "Excuse me, miss, but would you by any chance happen to know the whereabouts of a certain device that's about the size and shape of a remote, with the word 'bishōjō-inator' written on it?"

Ayumu stared at the man. "... No," she lied, looking to the side as she did so.

Klaus nodded. "Very well, then. Good evening, miss."

"Yes," Nishizawa replied, "Good evening," she chirped over her shoulder as she walked off. Turning her head to face forward, she smirked victoriously. 'Good, he doesn't suspect me. Now, for phase two of my master plan!' Evil laughter escaped her lips as she walked off into the sunset. 'Yes, very soon, Hayate-kun will be mine!'

Tama watched the girl as she retreated. 'That evil laughter... could it be...? She is after Sanzen'in fortune! I must thwart her evil plot!' he thought with a Cliché Heroic Pose ™. "Now! I am off!" he declared, preparing to chase after the girl....

… Only to be stopped by the sound of his dinner bell. 'Dinner!' he cheered instinctively.

'No!' exclaimed a voice in Tama's head, 'You must stop that girl!'

'Who's there?-!' thought Tama, 'Is that you, Norio-sama?'

'No, you idiot!' came the voice's rebuttal, 'I'm your conscience!'

'… So, you're not Norio-sama?'

The voice sighed. 'No, I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be Norio Wakamoto, or anyone else other than your conscience, you stupid feline!'

Tama thought about this for a moment. 'Oh, okay, then. Let me know when the Narrator shows up,' he told the voice in his head while heading towards the mansion, where Maria would be waiting with his dinner. His stomach grumbled. 'I hope we have veal, tonight... or maybe some Kobe beef. Yes,' he decided, 'that sounds delicious.'

And so Tama completely forgot about the short-pigtails girl in favor of his dinner.

Omake: Where in the World is Isumi Saginomiya~?

Isumi looked at the gigantic tree trunk before her. "I wonder what that hole is for?" she wondered, looking at the hole (which could actually almost be called a small tunnel) that ran through the tree trunk.

Isumi looked around at her surroundings. There were many other trees, almost all of them comparable in size to the titanic tree with the tunnel going through it. This forest vaguely reminded her of the mountain hike on which she had met and befriended that gigantic bear... "I hope mother and grandmother remember to feed him..." she mumbled to herself even as overly amorous squirrels started to surround her.

The squirrels, with hearts in their eyes, were steadily advancing on the oblivious girl. They came closer, and closer, and closer, until….

"Shoo! Leave her alone!" shouted a park ranger, brandishing a flashlight at the tree-dwelling rodents, which instantly and instinctively scattered, as if they had been abruptly freed from some kind of spell or enchantment.

"Hm?" Isumi looked toward the source of the disturbance. It was tall blond man wearing the accoutrements of a United States of America park ranger. He was speaking English in the tone of one who was confused but nonetheless trying to be helpful. If Isumi remembered her lessons correctly, the man was saying something about squirrels. "Yeah," she said in what she hoped was her best English, "Please visit me... I would like to thank his hat.1"

The ranger looked at the girl before him in confusion. 'That girl must be in shock,' he thought, 'She's speaking gibberish!' He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, miss. If you would come with me, I should be able to find your parents for you," the man said, hoping the girl actually spoke Japanese and wasn't just dressed like that for show.

Isumi stared at the man for a moment before answering: "No thank you, sir. I think I can find them without your assistance," she answered in perfectly inflected English.

The ranger stared at the Saginomiya heiress in shock. 'Sh-she speaks better better English than me!' he thought with his mouth agape, both awestruck and befuddled.

"And you should probably brush up on your Japanese," Isumi added as an afterthought in the aforementioned language, before walking off and disappearing among the sequoias.

1: This was mostly for fun. She meant to say "Oh. I see... Thank you, mister nice hat." I arrived at what she said by entering this sentence into Translation Party. With that said, I actually hope to introduce a character who fluently speaks Translation Trainwreck.

A/N: Well, there you go.

TTFN and R&R!