Carter County, Tennessee
August 1933

I didn't dislike religion, but I wasn't a believer.

Carlisle didn't attend church often, and even rarer were the occasions when he asked me to attend with him. I never said no if he requested me to accompany him. For whatever reason he felt a need for me to be beside him this Sunday. Maybe it was because he was unsettled by the distress in our little family. Maybe it was just because we never had a moment alone anymore.

Edward dropped him off at work the evening before so I could have the car to drive into town. It was nice to get the peaceful time alone behind the wheel. Peace was so hard to find among the tension.

Rosalie and Edward were barely civil to each other and when they were it was only at my behest. I seemed to have won a tepid trust from the young woman since our chat in my bedroom, but it was fleeting. She knew I meant her no harm and wanted to help her anyway I could, but she also felt beyond help.

"Esme, I have no future!" she growled at me during her latest fit.

"That's not true. I can't promise it will be perfect. I can't promise it will always be happy. You have many reasons to be angry. I understand that. Carlisle and Edward understand that. We don't expect you to come out of your room tomorrow a new person. But you don't want to live in misery forever. What would be the point of it? Don't give Royce that satisfaction. I know this isn't the life you wanted. It's not one any person would choose, but it is what we have been given. We have to try to make the best of it."

She looked at me mournfully before shaking her head. "I'm not ready. I don't feel I'll ever be ready."

"We can help you. Don't shut us out. Edward helped me so much, and he could help you."

"He's just a boy."

"He's older than you."

"He's 17 forever."

"He's wise beyond his 17 years."

She rolled her eyes.

"What's the use of fighting him, Rosalie?" I quietly asked. "He's not going anywhere. He's a part of this family and now you are too. He can help you."

"I can't."

Her trust was shattered and I couldn't heal her. I could only support her and until then I feared there would be no peace in our home.

Ironically this week's sermon was about forgiveness. I looked at Carlisle's face. He hung on the minister's every word. I knew he felt guilty and it was taking a toll on him.

He had made a hasty decision. It was one he had made twice before and had few regrets as a result. He was pained for the rupture caused in our family and he felt guilty that she was in such a dark place. He didn't have to talk to me for me to know. I saw it in his face.

He clutched my hand in his own as the minister continued. I heard his words, but I wasn't there for their comfort. I gave a quick glance around at the congregation and saw heads swivel away from our direction. We still were quite new to the community and our appearances at services had been few. We were a mystery. I was a mystery. Dr. Cullen was present by the nature of his work, but his wife had been hidden away on the outskirts of town.

It was so different from Rochester or Minneapolis. It felt even more rural than tiny Virginia, Minnesota. It was more like the area I grew up. Families took care of themselves, but also helped others. They were far removed from any city. They were curious about the new doctor and his wife, but turned away when I looked in their direction except for the little girl across the aisle. She must have been no more than seven. She continued to stare at me and I couldn't help but smile back at her. She grinned. She was missing a few baby teeth. Her mother caught this interaction and rapt her back to attention.

Once the minister's sermon had ended it felt like the service concluded rather quickly. The rain had started by the time we were exiting the church. It wasn't very heavy yet so the congregants didn't linger so they could get home before the deluge started. It kept us from having to interact with many people.

"Thank you for joining us today, Carlisle," the young minister said with a shake of his hand. Wherever we lived it never took Carlisle long to connect with the clergy. His work often put him in touch with men of God so the informal greeting was not a surprise.

"It was a very good sermon, Reverend. It was one I needed today."

"You do God's work every day, Dr. Cullen. I'm sure he has forgiven you for any transgressions. Isn't that true, Mrs. Cullen?"

"Yes, it is. I'm very blessed to be married to such an honorable man who always does what he believes is right," I proudly stated.

"And living our lives with that type of conviction is what will see you welcomed at the gates of heaven."

"I'm sure it will," I agreed, knowing full well that the closest I would ever get to obtaining heaven was being held in Carlisle's arms.

"You two better get going before this rain gets much worse. Those last few bends in the road before your place can get quite treacherous when wet. I hope to see you again next week, Mrs. Cullen," the Reverend added as he took my hand.

"We shall see what divine providence has in store for me next Sunday," I said as I shook his hand and moved on.

Carlisle wrapped an arm around me holding the umbrella over our heads as we made our way to the Ford. I could hear thunder rolling in the distance as he tucked me into the passenger seat and closed the door.

"I guess a picnic is not in order after all," I said as he took his seat behind the wheel. I gestured to the basket in the back seat containing a blanket and one of our favorite books. I had thought that if the rain had held off maybe I could whisk him away for some time alone. We had not been alone for so long.

With Edward it had become easier with time. He was used to our minds. He could block us out or he would retreat if asked or if he felt that it was appropriate to vacate the premises. It wasn't perfect, but it was an agreed to compromise for everyone's sake. With Rosalie's presence, our privacy was non-existent. She never left the house unaccompanied and she listened for every noise and every word. I couldn't be upset with her. She was a newborn and her presence was dictated by her control.

The sensitivity around conversations was one thing, but performing intimate acts was not possible. Rosalie and I were at much different points in our lives when we were damaged by men. I was mature enough to grasp that it didn't have to be that way. I had women in my life who were loved and adored by their significant others who told me how wonderful it could be. I knew my situation was not normal and that with a loving partner it could be beautiful. That knowledge allowed me to trust that with Carlisle it would be different.

Rosalie was ignorant of men. She wasn't stupid, but I didn't think she had friends with which she talked about intimacy. She was young enough that many of her friends were not married. Maybe her mother was preparing to give her a pre-wedding night talk. She only knew violence when it came to intimate relations and neither Carlisle nor I were willing to possibly trigger a negative reaction from her by being intimate in the house. When it came to keeping watch on a newborn that meant that we were not intimate at all.

We hadn't laid together in nearly four months. I missed his touch and whispered conversations. I missed his laughter and his lust. I missed us.

"I wish I could control the weather, Esme, but it's just one of many things I feel I have no control over these days."

I reached over and patted his thigh and kept my hand placed there as he started down the wet road.

"We can control our actions. Today, I would like our action to be to take a walk. Alone."

"A storm is coming, Esme. We'll get drenched."

"Do you think I care about some rain? I want to talk with you and spend time with you without others listening."

"We should get home. We shouldn't leave them alone together for too long. They'll get into it again." He was trying to be nonchalant but I could hear the edge in his voice.

"We hunted just a day ago. Edward said he would keep an eye on her and be on his best behavior so we could take the day to ourselves. Rosalie never leaves the house without being accompanied. They will be fine."

"I would feel more comfortable if we went home. We can try for a picnic, as you called it, next Sunday. Hopefully the weather will be nicer."

I squeezed his thigh and tried a sweeter tone, but all I got out was, "Carlisle-" before he cut me off.

"Esme, I said next week," he demanded. He pried my hand off his thigh and placed it back in my lap.

I didn't speak as I crossed my arms and turned away from him holding back a sob. We had been through dark times when Edward left us, but in the end we felt quite foolish at our behavior when we finally found our way back to each other. I wasn't angry or distressed anymore about the upheaval his actions had brought on our family. I wanted to move forward for what was done was done. Rosalie Hale was a part of our lives and I was long past accepting that. I knew his heart was heavy, but I couldn't speak to him about it at home and he was closing off the opportunity to speak alone.

When we pulled into the driveway the car barely stopped before I hopped out of it. I heard his feeble attempt to tell me wait and something about the umbrella as it was raining harder. I ignored him as I bypassed the house and headed directly toward the woods.

"Esme, where are you going? It's pouring." he shouted.

"I told you I didn't care about rain. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday outside with or without you," I called back never pausing or slowing down. I made my way into the over growth listening for signs of him following me. I moved quickly, but not too fast. I wanted him to be able to see me when he came after me. He better come after me.

The rain worsened, but the trees offered some shelter. I continued on for nearly a mile before I heard his footfalls. I kept moving forward until his hand grazed mine. I pulled away.

"Esme, come home," he insisted, his voice not as hard as it had been in the car.

"Why? Why would I go home when we have a reprieve today? I'm going to take advantage of it."

"Why are you being difficult?"

"Why are you being difficult?" I countered. "Carlisle, I want you to talk with me. We can't talk in the house and you just tried to put me off for another week! I can't give you solace or guidance or absolution if I can't speak with you. I know you are hurting. I see it in your face. It burns in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. But I don't know what the true root of it is anymore. Is it one thing or is more than one? I'm not going to feign understanding because I don't know. But I want to know. I love you more than anything on this earth and I want to help you, but you have to let me in."

"I don't want to burden you any further."

"You're never a burden; you're my husband. I carry what you carry. I share the load. Let me help you. Don't shut me out."

He pulled me tightly into his arm. "I'm sorry," he breathed against my temple.

"Talk to me," I whispered.

"I made a terrible error in judgment by changing her."

"You saved her."

"She is miserable."

"Was Edward deliriously happy when he found out he was a vampire?"

"No, but he didn't hate me either."

"She doesn't hate you. She's confused and angry and heartbroken, and she is taking a lot of her frustrations out on you, but she's a good girl. I see it in her. I believe in her even if she doesn't believe in herself yet."

"Believe in what?"

"What she's been through…what I went through… it makes you question who you are and makes it difficult to look at yourself in the mirror. You question the way you look. You question your worthiness. You wonder who you are and who you could have or should have been. Were you cursed? Why me? And in those dark moments you have to search for light and it can feel like a futile and oh so lonely effort. The search can go on for interminable spans of time. Then the glimmer comes into view and it may take a long time before you are bathed in the light, but it's possible. Rosalie is trapped in the dark. I think I give her glimmers, but her progress is difficult. I can take her hand, but I can't get her to move her two feet, but every so often she takes a step on her own. It's not easy. You know that the light is sometimes still doused for me and I've been removed from my experience by 13 years – but then I move toward the light, quite often with your hand helping me along. I keep grabbing for her hand and when she brushes it aside I reach again. I believe she will come into the light, but it's going to take a lot of time. Be patient with her and be patient with yourself. Your guilt does her no good. Be empathetic and compassionate. Forgive yourself so that she can forgive you. There's goodness in her and it will prevail. She will be alright and one day will thrive – that's what I believe."

His voice was low and layered with guilt as he said, "I feel terrible for the burden I have put on you…for what my error in judgment is costing you."

I needed to reassure him. Let him know that we could be alright if he would hear my words. "Carlisle, you saw something in her that made you make a choice you have so rarely acted on. I don't believe your judgment was faulty. You saw something in her that made you bring her home instead of to the hospital. What you saw may not be quite as apparent as the circumstances surrounding Edward or me, but it will come to light. In the meantime, I see no burden in her. I see a girl who needs love and guidance as do we all. She is a part of our lives now and as long as she chooses to be. She is family.

"I want the tension in the house to dissipate. I want you to take her seriously, but I want you to stop coming in the door with your guard up, as if you are waiting for an attack. She sees that as a sign of guilt. I also want you to stop holding me at arm's length. Our relationship is healthy and she needs to witness that you are a loving husband, not a bad man. I can tell her how wonderful you are and how your love has helped heal me, but she needs to see it. She may not react appropriately because she is a volatile, which has just as much to do with being a newborn as it does with what she's been through."

"It's difficult to be affectionate with you since we can't act on desires with her in the house."

"And who was the one who was dismissing the opportunity to spend some time out of the house? Yes, I wanted to talk with you, but I was hoping there would be some time for us to reconnect. It's been so long," I added with an embarrassing whine.

"Is that the main reason for your petulance?"

"Petulance? Now you think so highly of yourself, Dr. Cullen, that my mood is dictated by our intimate relations?"

"You just said you were hoping to reconnect." I watched him stumble over his words. "You whined. Esme, I don't know what to say. Please…"

"Please what?"

"Come out of the rain."

"It's just rain." I said warmly as a reached up and pushed the wet tendrils off his forehead and sliding my hand to his cheek where it came to rest. I stepped in closer to him.

"We're outside in the middle of nowhere."

"That hasn't stopped you before."

His expression calmed. "True, but it's been a while and you have witnessed some trauma since we last lay together. You have invested so much emotionally in trying to help Rosalie, but I'm concerned for your own well-being. Physically, I desire you as I always desire you, but that need will always come second to taking care of here," he said touching fingers to the front of my dress right where my silent heart laid, "and here," he said as touched my forehead. "I don't think it's wise to have you on the ground or up against a tree. I appreciate your desire, my love, but I want to protect you and I feel that when we 'reconnect,' which hopefully will be soon, it should be done with the utmost care and in a safe space."

Thunder rolled in the distance seeming to agree with Carlisle's assessment. Maybe on a nice calm day on a picnic blanket, it may have felt right, but his concern was valid.

I let out a big sigh for dramatic emphasis, but then said, "Alright. Thank you for being so thoughtful, but I agree with 'soon.' The other side of the coin is that making love to you has its own power of healing and comfort."

He smiled and glanced down in a moment of modesty.

I took a step in to wrap my arms around him and pushed up onto my toes to kiss his lips. He reciprocated as he held me tightly and leaned into me. I didn't want to break away, but the rain picked up as the thunder crashed louder. I could have ignored it, but my husband's practicality took over. "Let's go home, Esme."

I nodded my agreement and took his hand. "Soon," I repeated as an unnecessary reminder.

He tried to pick up the pace, but I held him back. We were already soaked to the skin so I felt no need to hurry, but quickly the house was in front of us.

We were surprised to find Rosalie and Edward waiting just inside the door.

"Is everything alright?" Rosalie asked. She looked at me with great concern.

"I told her you were fine," Edward grumbled.

"We're fine," I insisted looking back and forth between the two of them. I was unsure of what we walked in to and a quick glance at Carlisle showed he was just as lost.

"I saw you jump out of the car and take off. You seemed angry and it took him," she gestured to Carlisle, "a moment to go after you." She glared at Edward. "He insisted that I not go after you and that you were alright, but you looked so upset."

"I'm fine. We're fine. Thank you for your concern, but really, Rosalie, there's nothing to worry about. We had a little debate, but we worked it out and it is settled," I said turning to Carlisle and placing a kiss on his cheek.

Carlisle chimed in, "Yes, thank you, Rosalie, for your concern for my wife."

She nodded and said, "Be good to her."

"There's nothing and no one I cherish more."

She looked at me again and then retreated to the chair by the window.

We both looked at Edward and he just threw his hands up and withdrew to piano bench. He lifted the lid and began to quietly play.

I started up the stairs. "We are going to get changed," Carlisle said to the room and then followed me.

I grabbed a few towels from the bathroom cabinet before I walked into our room closing the door behind me. Carlisle was already removing his jacket. I looked at the bed that had not been touched since we left Rochester. I shook my head and placed the towels on it while taking one with me over to my dressing table where I began removing my sodden garments.

The room wasn't big as this house in the Appalachians was by far the smallest home we had lived in since we left Ashland. We had not spent much time in our bedroom because to spend time alone in our bedroom was to spend time in our bed. We had not seen each other in a state of undress since before our lives had changed. As I lifted my dress over my head, I found my eyes resting on his bare torso. In that moment I so desperately wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel his chest against my skin. I had to force myself to look away.

I removed the rest of my clothes and grabbed the towel. I noticed Edward began to play louder. I glanced back at Carlisle who seemed so close in that room that felt just tiny. He was drying off and staring at me, but he quickly realized he had been caught so he looked away, but looked back, and then looked away again.

I knew it wasn't the best idea, but I dropped the towel and went over to graze my fingers along his arm. He looked at my hand with bewildered eyes before his gaze moved upward to my face. "Esme," his lips whispered the words so quietly that he was desperately trying to ensure he said my name for my ears only. I placed a finger to his lip and then moved it so I could capture it with my own. I pressed my body against his wanting the skin to skin contact I had missed. His hands slid down my back, cupping my buttock. My tongue slid against his as I lost myself in his touch. I could feel his erection against me.

He finally resisted and pulled away.

"We can't," he mouthed. "They'll hear us."

"We'll be quite," I mouthed back. I was so wound up and I knew I couldn't just get dressed and walk out of the room. I needed time with him to feel.

He shook his head, but I could see his struggle.

I held up a finger for him to give me a moment.

I pulled down the bedding and climbed in and over to the other side leaving room for him. He was watching and I patted the mattress for him to join me. He shook his head so I patted again and again he refused. As loud as I dared to whisper I demanded, "Carlisle Cullen, you get in this bed and hold me until this storm stops!"

It was a different approach. Intimacy didn't have to be intercourse although that was often part of it and a part we very much enjoyed. I wanted closeness and contact. I wanted his body against mine and his scent surrounding me.

He listened and got into the bed. I pulled the sheet up over us as I nestled up against him. My head rested on his shoulder as his arm wrapped around me. My fingers traced lazy patterns across his chest as we listened to the rain pounding against the roof and the window while Edward continued to play.

We were the most relaxed and happy we had been in months.

"They are enjoying some time alone," I heard Edward announce and knew he had to be responding to some unspoken thought in Rosalie's mind. He continued, "I know you don't particularly trust Carlisle, or me for that matter, but you have to see how much he loves her and she loves him. Not only would he never willfully hurt her, he does everything in his power to protect her from pain."

There was a pause.

"I said 'willfully,' but sometimes he still makes less than stellar choices."

There was a chuckle from Rosalie and another pause.

"They have been worried about you and your feelings. They have put your care and your comfort about their own. They haven't been alone at all since before you became a permeant fixture in our lives."

"They don't begrudge you. They don't want to upset you or scandalize you or trigger…yes, they are very much married. I've learned my cues to shut things out and to exit the premises so they can be alone."

"No, it doesn't make me angry. They make each other whole. Carlisle is a great man and Esme filled a place in his life he didn't realize was missing. Esme deserves to be loved and adored and Carlisle is more than up to the task. Their love is quite beautiful."

"Let's go for a walk," Rosalie spoke in a quiet tone.

"It's pouring outside and your hair will get wet," Edward teased.

"That's what a hat is for and I can't go alone."

The piano stopped and in flash they were gone.

"Should we go after them?" Carlisle asked. I considered the ask. Edward could hear someone coming and steer her away. She was doing so well. The weather was miserable. Who would be outside except for the two of them? She made the choice to give use the gift of time. It was a gesture of good will on her part, maybe even forgiveness. Going after her could be interpreted as a sign of mistrust and if she is starting to come around I don't want to mess that up. The answer is clear.

I pushed myself up so I was looking down into his loving eyes. "We have been given a gift and I don't know how long it will last or when we will receive it again, so no, I don't think we should go after them. I think they want us to stay right here."

His hand caressed my cheek as a gentle smile slide across his lips. "If that is the case, will you allow me to make love to you, Mrs. Cullen?"

"Is lying here listening to the rain not enough?" I said, meaning to tease him.

"If that is what you desire then that is what we will do." There was no tease in his voice. He was worried about my well-being.

"Well since we have been given permission by the residents of this household to do more than just listen to the rain…"

"Just because we have a moment doesn't mean we have to," he interrupted.

I pressed my lips together as I gathered my thoughts. I looked down into his eyes as I spoke, "I love you so very much, Carlisle. Your pause is noble, but I want you to make love to me. For a time I was confused on what I wanted, but I have desired intimacy with you for some time – months, really. You are never a villain. You are my angel, my protector, my most faithful and loving husband. My brain processes things in strange ways at times. It makes connections to things in the past that make me react poorly and hurt my heart and my mind, but you always heal me even if it is not directly and even if it takes time. Knowing you will hold me. Knowing I am never alone as long as you are in this world. Those things bring me back to myself. In intimacy, when we are truly one, the world fades away and it's just you and me. It's been a long time since we have let the world go and I think we have earned this escape with each other so take me in your arms, my love – it's where I belong."

He met my lips with his own as the world was forgotten and only Carlisle and Esme existed for a few short hours.

We were back to where we started – listening to the rain as we held each other tight, but the sheets were now carelessly tossed on the floor at the foot of the bed. I felt satisfied and happy, and for the first time in the long time like we were on even footing and heading in the right direction. As good as I felt, his words surprised me when he said, "You are a wonder and I am a fool, Mrs. Cullen."

I looked over at him. His eyes were on ceiling. "You are never a fool."

He turned his head to look me in the eyes and I was startled by his sadness. "I'm foolish with you. I get caught up in myself and I don't respect what I have with you. I don't trust when I should. I worry about hurting you, but in the process of trying to protect you from unknowns I end up causing your heartache and pain. Edward was right."

I tried to reassure him. "You're not a fool, Carlisle. You're just human."

"I'm more fool than human."

"You're more human than me."

"Esme-" his voice trailed off as he was at a loss for words. He pressed his lips against my brow then buried his face in my curls.

"You know me, Carlisle. You know me better than anyone I have ever known – my weaknesses, my faults, my passions, my idiosyncrasies…and you have seen me at my worst and my best. I do my best as your wife to know you just as well, but my world view, my experience, is much shorter than yours. We had lives before each other and that shaped us in ways that we are going to spend forever learning about and at times we'll find joy in it and at times frustration. I know, or at least I think I know by now, where your heart is, but the challenge at times is figuring out where your head is. Early on in our marriage we established that I run to your arms at times when I could bolt away – those times when I'm hurting or maybe even a past moment has snuck up on me. What would help me help you is for you to not shut me out. When you think you are holding something back or inside for my protection, don't. Do the opposite. Always let me be your partner. I may look like a little woman, but I'm much stronger than people give me credit for."

"I know you're strong."

"Then remember that. Pledge to me that you'll talk to me when you're worried about me or our family."

"I pledge to communicate better with my wife, but I am flawed, Esme, and in advance ask for your patience if I struggle in this area."

"I accept your flaws, but you are not a fool. Just don't shut me out and be patient with and forgiving of yourself."

"I'll try and I'm going to rely on your guidance if I'm failing."

"I won't let you fail."

"I love you so much," he whispered.

"I love you, too, so much."

I reached over to take him in my arms. I held him close until we heard the purposefully noisy approach of Edward and Rosalie returning to the house.

"I guess we should dress," he said quietly close to my ear.

"Just when I was wanting to make one more go of it," I said with a quiet laugh.

"We'll figure out a way to make this work," he said as he sat up. "I think we can both agree that we need each other like this for it serves a multitude of purposes in keeping us strong."

"I concur, my dear husband," I said as I watched him stand and return to the forgotten outfit from earlier. "We may need to find a place to escape to as we did with the lodge."

He looked back at me with an odd look on his face. He swallowed words before they reached his lips and turned away.

"What is it?" I prompted, but he shook his head. "What did we just talk about, Carlisle? Tell me what you are holding back."

"I was going to apologize again for putting you and us in this predicament, but that seemed counter to our conversation about forgiving myself."

I hopped out of bed and walked over to him. I picked up his shirt and handed it to him to slide it on. I then reached for the buttons and began to put them through the holes. "Thank you for sharing. That wasn't so hard. You're right. We'll figure it out," I said as my fingers slid along the last button before moving up to slide along his jaw. "We can't be without each other for so long again." We kissed again, but I had to pull away as Edward and Rosalie were almost home.

I dressed quickly as Carlisle took a seat on the sofa. I sat down next to him to put on my shoes as we heard the front door open and close. We were surprised by the next sound we heard – laughter. Edward and Rosalie were talking to each other and not only was it a civil conversation, but it seemed they were actually getting along.

Maybe we were not the only ones who needed alone time.

I leaned against Carlisle's shoulder feeling content as we listened to their conversation about Rochester. The mood didn't last as something led Rosalie to abruptly end the conversation and retreat to her room. I felt Carlisle tense as her door closed.

"They were laughing. That's progress," I whispered and patted his hand.

It was a long way from where we had come, but we still had a long journey ahead of us.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

If you are still here, thank you. I know it's been a long time. Life has had a lot of distractions, but the good news is that during my long hiatus I did complete my graduate studies.

During my absence I lost one beta. Thank you, Heather, for working with me for several years. Your input will be missed. Thank you to Ali for continuing to encourage me and support my work.