Chapter FOURTEEN: Not Even You Can Save Me From Myself

Using the key that Ryuzaki or Lawliet, or whoever the hell he claimed to be today, gave him, he got into the hotel room easily. He began to rip the room apart, searching for something to tell him who the man was. Anything! Any clue to help Raito remember. And he needed to remember. Because knew there was something he was forgetting. It was at the back of his mind, just beyond his reach. It was torture. Like an itch on your body that you just cant find, or like being lost in the dark and your bumping into all these objects that jab into your knees and side, but you can't figure out if your in the kitchen or bathroom or fucking hell, if your even inside a house. It threatened to drive him insane.

He opened every drawer. He pulled every item from the closet slinging them carelessly behind him. Nothing! He wandered about the room trying to think. "If I had something important to hide… where would I hide it?" His eyes fell on the bed, remembering how when he was younger he would staff his journal under his mattress to keep Sayu from getting her nosy hands on it.

With all his strength Raito pulled the sheets off, leaving them in a heap on the floor. Then, with all his strength, he struggled to push the heavy mattress off the bed and there- there on the edge-lay a small notebook. It was white, and written in gold letters was the inscription, Time Note.

"What the-" Raito picked it up, flipping it open and reading the dates written. Some of them were not until years in the future. Some of them were...in his handwriting? "What the hell?"

Before he could make another coherent thought, a sharp pain shot through his skull radiating down into his teeth and his shoulders. He dropped the book falling to the floor and screaming, his legs spread out around him. He squeezed his eyes shut, panting heavily. Voices now had faces and faces now had names. Gun shots had reasons behind them. Everything made sense.

Like bulldozers crashing into his brain, his memories of a past life began coming back to him in harsh waves. One by one. Each stronger than the last and full of guilt and hurt. When his world stopped spinning and he could somewhat brace himself, he remembered who he was. Panting, chest heaving violently, he knew what he had done. With his entire body shaking and on the verge of almost vomiting, Raito pulled his knees to his chest. "Oh God, L." He whispered aloud. "What have you done?"

The only response was the flap of shinigami wings, and an all too familiar laugh.

After only a mere hour of looking for the brat, Ryuku left L alone in the cab, after suddenly laughing hysterically as if he knew something L did not. That probably met only one thing. As suspected, L found Raito in his hotel room. The room was wrecked as if he had been robbed. He carefully took in the site around him to see his clothes strewn about the room and his mattress flipped off the bed, leaning against a wall. Raito looked to be in a state of shock with his knees tucked under his chin. He reminded L of a twelve year old.

L studied Raito until he realized the boy was holding the Time Note in his hands loosely. Had his memories returned? Clearly some have come home to him. L wanted. Feeling it would be safer if he kept distance, he stated cautiously, "Hello, Raito." When the teen continued to sit wordlessly, L decided to approach with caution. He took a small step, then another until he stood in front of the boy. When Raito made no signs of acknowledgment, L knelt down on one knee, placing his hand gently on Light's shoulder. "Raito."

"Don't touch me!" Raito pulled shoulder away as if L were fire. "Don't touch me." he repeated again, his eyes wild with fear and confusion.

L pulled his hand away whispering like a broken record, "Okay. Okay. Okay. I won't touch you. "

"I am alive."

"Yes. Raito is living."

"You did this."

Although spoken like a statement, L knew it was a question. "Yes. I used the Time Note to go back in time. I took the Death Note to keep you from ever writing in it." Uncomfortable and a pain growing in his knee, L stood, yet keeping his eyes on Raito, his black hair falling over in his face.

Raito seemed to not hear L. "I'm alive.", he repeated, sounding hollow. Raito was obviously shell shocked, his mind desperately trying to make sense of it all. L was not so sure he understand it all either.

"What do you remember Raito?"

Raito tightened his grip on the notebook and his knees at the sound of L's voice again. He gazed up, allowing his eyes to fall on the older man. "I remember…. Everything."

L swallowed a lump in his throat. "You remember, everything? Matt? Missa?" He swallowed, "Me?" His heart was beating frantically in his chest. If Raito knew everything then there need not be anymore secrets between them. They could be honest and open. They could relax and…. And what? Kiss? Run off into the sunset? Get real here, L.

"I know you. I know I'm Kira." .There was a soft substance to Raito's words and it made L feel sad.

"Ah,", L said, feeling like he was dealing with a little boy. In a strange way, maybe he was. "You have not done any of the things you did when you were Kira. It was…another life."

Raito frowned. "But I killed hundreds of people."

Reaching his arms out for Ratio to grasp his hands, L pulled the boy up until he was on his feet. Raito kept hold of the notebook, his nails absentmindedly digging into the cover. "Not in this time line. I kept that from happening."

"Not in ….this time line?"

"Exactly." L swiped a strand of auburn hair behind Raito's ear gently to comfort him. "In this time line you are just Raito. You aren't Kira. Not here. Not ever."

"A new time line doesn't wash my hands. It doesn't change what I did, L." I learned the hard way...

"It does." L insisted, his eye brows squeezing together unsure. "They are clean."

Of dirt maybe, the teen thought. But not..."Not of the things I've done."

"Yes, Raito. They are-"

"My brain isn't clean! I remember. I remember what I've done."

L tried to explain further, "Okay. So you remember. I do too. But you've never done those things here. You've never hurt anyone. Here, in this time, Raito, you're not Kira. You can be a normal teenager here."

Somehow, that was the wrong thing to say. Raito's eyes grew angry. "Some teenager I am!" He pushed L away, but it was weak. "My father hates me."

L was reminded of a drunk person, the way Raito was wobbly on is feet, holding his dead down as if in disgrace. Maybe he was drunk, intoxicated on his emotions, letting them take control of his reasoning.

L tried to be reassuring, "Yagami Soichiro does not hate his son."

"Yes he does."

"Obviously disappointed, in Raito, yes. He could never hate you though. You are his son, Raito. He loves you."

"Loves me? Don't make me laugh. He stopped looking at me a long time ago." Raito slung the Time Note at L's feet, tears streaming down his red cheeks. "I thought you were a genius, L."

"I am." L stated, squaring his shoulders in defense. He could handle a child.

"Then why did you change what happened to me? How could you think that this-" He held his arms out for L to get a good look- "...was better?"

"It's apparent that I had no idea that things would go this way. I was only trying to eliminate the Death Note. However…. You have to admit this is better than death."

"How do you figure?"

"You are alive."

"Alive?"

"Yes."

"I'm alive?", Raito scoffed sarcastically. "This is living?"

"Yes! You are breathing. You're heart is pumping blood throughout your veins. You are alive." L couldn't believe he had to actually defend himself and what he had done. Raito needed to ask? "Isn't that enough?" L didn't understand any of this argument.

"Oh well...that." Raito mocked, rolling his eyes. "Yes. Alive. Excuse me, I should have thanked you for that."

"You bloody well should!", L hollered the words, loosing his self control and uncaring if anyone heard "I went to your funeral, Raito." His jaw clenched at the memory of Soichiro's face that day standing in the rain. "I watched your family mourn for you. I mourned for you. You were dead."

"Good! You should have left me that way."

L took a careful step back at the words, his hands making fists. Raito may as well have just slapped him for all the pain he felt. "How can you say that?" Didn't Raito know how he felt about him?

"I'm addicted to meth, L." Raito's voice was low, a weak statement. His eyes were cast down looking at his feet. Just at anything but L. "I work at a bar. I get tips for going down on guys in the back room. I tried to dig bugs out of my head with a fork. Need I go on?"

L's eyes had moved to look away as well, remembering the teen in hysterics about bugs and blood dripping down his face. It was true. Raito was not living the life he should be living. L felt guilt build up in his chest, wrapping around his heart. It was suddenly hard to breath.

"Just look at me.", Raito whispered. "This is what happens when you try to change fate. So get a good look at me. At what you've done. "

L couldn't. He couldn't look at him anymore.

"I said look!"

L's eyes obeyed this time, looking up at a shaking teen.

"Christ L." Raito ran a trembling hand through his hair. "You really did a number here. In one time line I am a selfish murderer. In this one I get to be a drugged up whore. Which is better?"

The words tore at L hard. He couldn't deny it. And Raito kept talking. Kept making it worse.

"This life is suppose to be better? Oh yeah I just love it here. I get to deliver packages for drug lords and I get to be kicked out of my parent's house and accused of rape. This is so much better! Thanks L!"

L never intended for Raito to get hurt this way. He had to explain. L's voice croaked, "I tried to help you. I-I didn't know-"

"No, no you didn't." He interrupted, "That's the problem. You're so damn selfish. You couldn't just leave well enough alone, could you? You couldn't let me die a martyr. No. No. Not you. Not L. You're too selfish for that. I told you my story. I told you it doesn't work. No one can change anything. I couldn't do it. Neither can you. You change one thing and something worse happens. I told you all of that, but you just had to go back. That's only justice though, right? Dying wasn't enough for Kira?"

"That's not why I went back." His lips trembled. "This had nothing to do with the Kira care. This is not a punishment, Raito."

"Then why!" He shoved L then. Shoved him in the chest causing him to stumble back a step. "Tell me. Tell me why I died saving trying to save you, only to come back used up and dirty. To feel even more worthless than before. Why couldn't you just let me go?"

"I think you know why." Did the boy forget so quickly? "I love you. I wanted to-" L stopped himself. He was so frustrated. He was losing what words he wanted to say and Raito was so perfect. Standing there with those perfect eyes and lips and that voice. L didn't want to argue. He wanted to lay in bed under the covers with Raito and kiss until they couldn't breath. Why could they not do that instead?

"To what, L?!"

"To save you!", he shouted, feeling like he was losing a battle. "Like any normal person would have done when they felt this way about another person. I refuse to feel guilty for trying to give you a second chance."

"OH, well!" Ratio was not impressed with L's garbage of an excuse. "You did a fantastic job, L. Now instead of just having nightmares of all the people I killed, I get to dream of all the ones I fucked too." Raito shoved past him, purposefully knocking into L's shoulder. L had to catch his balance to keep from falling. "I need to shower.", the teen spat, going into the bathroom and slamming the door so hard it raddled the wall.

L sat in the room, draped across a recliner in the corner, listening to the sound of the water running in the bathroom. Raito had been in the shower for a long time. He knew Raito wanted to be alone so he didn't follow. This was not the 'homecoming' L had imagined. He thought if, or when, Raito may recover his memories that it would bring something beautiful between them. Not a disaster.

Finally, L got up from the chair and walked into the steamy bathroom with his hands in his pockets. Through the clear shower curtain he could make out the outline of the tanned and toned body of Raito. Raito was washing his hair it seemed and the bathroom smelled of cheap hotel shampoo.

"Get out."

L sighed. Ignoring Raito he stripped off his clothes and stepped in. The water was hot. Too hot. He cringed and backed up against the wall opposite of the sprayer. Raito chuckled to himself and closed his eyes again putting his focus back on his hair. L was surprised he didn't argue or try to push him out.

When Raito finished rinsing his hair, he wiped it messily out of face, and stepped up to L gazing into his black eyes. "You love me?", he asked, searching for something in L. Confirmation maybe.

"Yes."

"Kira?"He smirked, Or the whore?" The words hit L's chest just as Raito wanted it to. They were the hard punches he wanted to throw but couldn't bring himself to actually do.

"Raito is not a-"

"No go on.", Raito dared him. "Say it."

"…..a whore."

"Sure I am. Look at what time line your in." Raito reached for L, wrapping his wet arms around L's dry shoulders, then licking L's face from his chin to his left eye. "I'll make you feel really good."

Though the words sent a sharp shiver down L's spine into his groin, he stopped himself from letting Raito win this. Putting his hands strongly on the boy's waist, he forced Raito off of him, pushing him back beneath the spray where hot water poured down on his head and shoulders. "Don't use my feelings to bury yours."

Raito grit his teeth. His heart pounded so hard he could feel it thumping through his entire wet body. Fuck you, he thought. Raito wanted to crawl out of his skin. Like a snake does. Be brand new. But you can't be completely brand new if you only change your skin. Underneath would still be the same. L would never be able to understand him. No one could. No one ever did.

Raito could suddenly feel the effects of withdrawals now that his muscles were relaxing. How long had it been? He needed some more and it only made him want to hurt L. Or himself. Anyone, honestly. He wanted to dig at the burn scar on his leg. He wanted to cut it off, make it go completely away with all of his sins. He started to cry suddenly, feeling weak and vulnerable as his shoulders began to shake starring at L who was watching him as he could see every thought written on the teen's naked body.

Raito's mind flashed back to L on the roof, standing in the rain babbling nonsense about bells and lies. He saved L that day. But how was he to know that L would use the Time Note to go back in time and change the past to save Raito in return?

Feeling vulnerable and weak, the teen broke down, letting himself go. Raito threw his arms around L again, this time knocking the detective unbalanced against the cold wall. "Oh, L. I'm so sorry. You came back for no one. For nothing."

Closing his eyes, L held him close to his chest while Raito began to have what L was near ninety percent sure was a break down, and who wouldn't have a break down after remembering your past life? "Raito is not nothing. He has never been nothing."

"I'm dirty. I feel so dirty. If there is a God… If he exists he hates me."

"No one hates you."

"I hate me." Raito continued to lose himself in those strong arms of L's. Sucking in sharp breaths in gasps as the shower pounded water on his back. He loved L. He brought L back to life to save him...only to be his destruction once again.

" I will fix everything." L promised. " You will be okay."

"I've never been okay."

"You will be this time."

"I'm always the reason for your death."

L parted his lips, but nothing came out. Ratio's words were a hard truth. His body jerked slightly when Ratio asked, "Do you hate me for killing you?"

Shaking his head and tightening his arms around Raito, he said firmly, "I love you."

A silence began to build around them, minus the roaring of the shower. L's eyes traveled to the burn scar on Raito's leg. "You just wanted to save the world from it's self." He nuzzled Raito's warm neck, breathing in the sent of pure Raito. Planting soft kisses between the boy's ear and collarbone he confessed, "I only wanted to save my world from his self."

Raito moaned as L's hand dropped down to his thigh and gradually drifting up the inside. "I've given up half my life and more, gladly," L declared. "because I want to protect you. You don't know what losing you was like. What I went through."

Suddenly, Raito stiffened. "What you went through?", he demanded, the words forming a dangerous question. "That's a joke."

"Ratio?" What was Ratio angry about this time? How were those the wrong words?

He twisted in L's grip. It was difficult, L was not going to let him go in case he wanted to take a chance at running again. "I told you I failed, L. Don't you listen? I watched you die twenty fucking times and each time failing to save a single person. Ryuku taking my life was a relief. It felt so good to just….die."

The words were a cold chill down L's spine. Or was it that the water was turning cold? He didn't want to think about Ratio getting comfort from death.

Ratio didn't notice that L was about to cry. Or if he did he didn't let it bother him as he continued, "You were too busy thinking of your feelings. Of only you. Too busy wanting me alive for yourself that you didn't stop to think if I even wanted to be saved, or if you even should save me." He suddenly ripped himself from L's arms. "You didn't think at all!"

Raito snatched the curtain back, getting out and grabbing a towel. He wrapped it around his waist and walked out to leave L standing alone feeling cold, wet, and defeated.

Several moments later, L emerged from the shower, a towel around his waist, and using another to dry his hair, he found himself alone in the room. Raito was gone. Ryuk, who had been silent through the argument, still by the balcony doors.

"I know where he went." The monster teased.

L shook his head, "He left the Time Note, eliminating all options but two. There is a somewhat twenty percent chance that he went to his father's like I wanted him to do. As he should do. If so I do not expect his return for the rest of the night. On the other hand. There is an eighty percent chance he went to find a dealer to find methamphetamine. If he finds a dealer instead of his Father, I expect him to return within the next few hours or come dawn. Now, I need to clean this room."

"Awww." , the shinigami wined sounding seven, "your cleaning? Why!"

"I have nothing else to do. The room needs to be cleaned. It looks like I've been robbed." L moved to his suit case picking out a pair of grey sweat pants and a pair of socks. " Make yourself scarce if I bore you."

"You don't want me to just tell you where he went?"

"I'll have my answer in time."

"If you say so..."

Some two hours later, after the room was put back to some type of order, L lay in the bed thinking of Raito's words, still hearing them, still feeling them.

It felt so good to die…

Ryuku taking my life was a relief…

You're so selfish…

Do you hate me for killing you?

Had L been selfish in trying to change Raito's past? How could saving the one you love from themselves be considered selfish? It was true, L was not the best at social interaction, yet, how could Raito not believe that L was acting only out of his feelings?

L was thinking of what he would say to the boy soon as he saw him next, when the door opened. Raito, of course. L felt his body grow stiff as his muscles tightened and his breath caught. Raito's footsteps were soft, nearly silent as he made his way to the bed.

"Raito?" L murmured.

"Oh. You're still awake." Excitement filled the tone of Raito's voice and L knew why. Raito's return only meant that he had never went to his Father at all. Instead, he found someone else to help him.

Disappointed, L felt the blankets lift as Raito slid himself in the bed after stripping down to nothing. He scooted over until his body was pressed up against the detective.

"You're freezing." L commented.

"You're not."

L pulled Raito into his arms. The teen did not have to ask. L rubbed his cold arm up and down with his warm hands and Raito began rubbing the bottom of his feet over the top of L's. L could smell cigarettes and whiskey on Raito's breath. There was also a ripped piece of some type of cloth being used as a tourniquet around the boy's upper arm.

"Feel better?" L stopped rubbing the boy's arms to untied the cloth, throwing it onto the floor more harshly than necessary.

Raito stared into the black pools of L's eyes ignoring that L knew what he had been out doing. "Do you really love me?"

"Yes.", L sighed. "I do."

Raito sniffed. "Ya know… you'll end up dead from loving me." He was probably catching a cold from the chilly night air.

"Is that a warning?"

"No." He gently shook his head, "Not a warning."

The tiny tug of a smile on L's lips made Raito lift his head, pressing their lips together roughly. They both could feel it in their bones how this would play out. Raito knew from his own attempts that it was useless. Fate would not allow happy endings for those who don't deserve them.

Raito's hands found L's chest and explored as if it had been a lifetime since they touched. L supposed that for Raito, it had been a lifetime. There were no secrets between them now when they touched. They were Raito and L again. Detective and Suspect. L wouldn't have it any other way.

L rolled his tongue over Raito's, and Raito rolled his hands over L's shoulders, sliding his leg between the older man's. They touched and kissed until eventually Raito rolled on top, pressing their chests together and bucking his hip into L's. Raito was ready to go, but L cupped the teen's cheeks, and pulled his head back causing their lips to smack as they pulled apart.

He stared up at Ratio's flushed face and gasped when he was reminded how beautiful the boy was, for him, how perfect. He pushed Raito's bangs from his eyes. Words were on the tip of L's tongue. Words of promises, of love and hope. He kept them there. He didn't want to hear anything other than the trembling breath of the boy on top of him. L kissed him them, flipping him onto his back, and knew he would never let anything hurt Ratio again.

Raito closed his eyes stretching out on top of of the cool, cotton sheets spreading his slender legs. "Make me forget everything but us. I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel anything but you." He sniffled again and L realized his lover was not sick but crying as wet tears formed beneath his long, dark eyelashes.

L did his level best. He wrapped his arms around Raito's body tight, kissed his cheeks then his neck as he entered him slow and careful. Raito's legs wrapped around his ankles, moved up to L's thighs, allowing L to slide in deeper- sure, steady, rhythmic. His legs caught L's waist in a tender lock and his fingers began to claw at L's shoulder blades.

Beneath him, Raito tossed his head back, hips rising to meet L's rhythm. Their bodies began to grow sweaty and slippery, their breaths coming in quick pants as their chests rubbed together. L kissed Raito's jaw again, feeling his own eyes growing wet. "You're with we now.", he whispered in Raito's ear. "You're safe."

Oh L, Raito thought, I don't deserve to be safe.

The next morning, with as much stealth as he had in his body, L untangled his limbs from Raito's and maneuvered himself into the bathroom without making a sound. The teen was passed out, blankets entangled about his body. L did not want him to wake. He pulled out his phone and called Watari informing the man, "I need two tickets home."

"Two?"

"I am bringing someone with me."

There was a second of silence before, "Do you find that wise? Who is this someone? Why bring them here?"

"Watari… I need you to trust me. Completely trust me. I know that what I am doing is a little unorthodox."

"A little? You are bringing a stranger home with you to Whammy's without telling me the reasoning behind this action and you are asking that I trust you completely? Bring a stranger under this roof without question?"

L took a deep breath. He knew the risks. "Yes. Can you?"

Watari paused again, thinking. L was like a son to him. "Two tickets home. A limo will pick you up from the airport. I will text you the details."

"Thank you. I want to leave as soon as possible."

"It can be managed."

"Thank you." L hung up, placing the phone in his pocket.

He found Raito still in bed asleep. He did not look peaceful. He looked tensed. L deduced he was having a nightmare from the way he was moaning and turning his head. He knew that Raito would continue to sleep for an another hour or two. Give or take a few minutes. He had plenty enough time to pack their belongings and to think of how he would explain all this to Raito.

He didn't have long to think, however. Raito woke only one hour later. So sometimes L's estimations were wrong. One could not be right all the time. Even if one was L.

"Why did you pack all this?", the boy asked, sitting up in bed to grab the carton of cigarettes. He slid one out and placed it between his lips. "Are you leaving?"

"We are going to take a plane to England." L tensed as he waited for Raito's reaction. He was not so sure how the teen would take this news.

Raito lips tightened around the stick. His head tilted slightly to the left as he flicked the lighter. "Were you, uh, going to ask if I wanted to go, or were you just going to announce it like this?"

L smirked. "Would Raito like to go to my home in England?"

"Your…..home?" Had Raito heard correctly? "You want to take me home with you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I'm going to help you, Raito. I think...", he paused, not feeling as sure of himself as he tried to sound, "I think Whammy's will be the best place to do it."

"The boys. Mello, Near, and Matt. They will be there too, won't they?"

L gave a soft nod sitting down beside him. "Watari as well."

"Why Whammy's? You can stay here and you could move into my apartment. I'm sure my dad will hire you. I mean you're brilliant. We could-"

"Shh.", L hushed him. "No. Raito you need help. Whammy's is the right place for you to be. Right now, all your nightmares, everything you told me, they are all scars of your other life. Raito you are so full of guilt from your actions as Kira. I need you to understand that you are not that man anymore. I think if you come to Whammy's and you see that the boys are fine you can conquer your guilt. And while you are there you can detox from the drugs."

"Oh L, it's not that easy."

"It can be Raito. If you just let it." Please, L wanted to say. Please let it be this easy. Let me in. Let me help you.

Raito took a drag, then leaned against L's shoulder with a sigh. "Yeah, I'll go. Whatever you want." He was too tired to argue or try to figure out L's thought process. "I just want to be with you." It was as strange for Raito as it was for L, to see the other alive and...well, knowing.

"Raito will always be with me."

"I hope so."

"You will be. I want you to write your father though. I want you to tell him that you are entering a rehab and that you will be gone several weeks. Leave him the key to your apartment as well. Don't dawdle about getting it done. We leave in two hours."

"Wow." The teen sat up from L's shoulder, rolling his cigarette between his thumb and index finger and blowing out smoke. "You waste no time do you?", he mocked.

"I don't particularly have a lot of time to waste."
Raito nodded, absently remembering the Time Note and the rules. "You are the owner now, I think."

L shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"No." A moment of quietness passed between them. Both enjoyed it, soaking up the living presence of the other.

L finally stood, but before turning he said, "You know… Every year one in five deaths is caused by smoking."

The teen blew out a thin dark line of smoke that parted then curled. Raito watched it move as if were an art peace. "Can I be that one?"