Deadpool Takes on Voldemort

A Deadpool/Harry Potter Xover

No Pairings/Set during and before HBP

Comedy/Adventure

Deadpool is hired by Dumbledore to take out Voldemort and his Horcruxes. While Harry spends his time at Hogwarts playing Quidditch and thinking about girls, occasionally even getting a lesson from Dumbles, Dumbledore himself decided that hiring the merc-with-a-mouth (a Muggle and insane to boot) to see if maybe he can take out the Dark Lord without involving any teenagers who might get killed. What with Voldemort not seeing Muggles as a threat or anything, could a Muggle actually take him out?

Can magic stand up to cold steel or hot lead? Soon to be with added fire-power!

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When reading this, if you're only a Harry Potter fan, you should probably look up some information about Deadpool, since this will focus on his character to a large extent.

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CHAPTER ONE:

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Wade Wilson, Deadpool, merc-with-a-mouth was watching TV. To be exact, he was watching a Golden Girls re-run marathon that was playing in memory of the recently passed away Bea Arthur. Sighing mournfully he shovelled cheezits into his mouth while spreading out over the couch in his underwear, frequently yelling out praise to Bea Arthur after nearly every line she spoke.

"My darling Bea, no one can match your everlasting wit or beauty, at least you're with Death now, that doll will take care of you." He sighed, wiping a tear away from his scarred cheek as the TV panned to a close up of the snarky lady.

He hadn't left the apartment since he'd heard of his favourite actress's death, choosing instead to have his best friend Weasel bring him his food – which he agreed to do after a phone call and a few 'playful' threats- and watch the reruns that has been going on since then.

A new episode had just started up when the telephone rang. Angry at having had his Bea time interrupted, Wade grabbed one of his guns from the table in front of him and aimed a quick shot through the telephone cord, severing it and cutting off the phone in mid-ring.

"Nothing interrupts the lucid tones of my Bea Arthur." He growled at the phone before staring back at the screen with an infatuated sigh.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang again. This time just as a commercial was starting. Wade blinked at the phone, looked at the severed wires and shrugged. Getting up he walked over and picked up the receiver.

"Wade Wilson's Squirrel Girl extermination and The Golden Girls number one fan club member speaking, if you're here to finally ask me to join the Avengers, I'll agree as long as Wolverine can tell me honestly that he knows just how many teams he's on these days."

"Am I speaking to Deadpool?" A calm crinkly voice said at the other end of the dead phone.

Wade put the receiver down on the table and quickly jogged to his bedroom, where he quickly grabbed one of the many red and black masks lying on the floor. Whistling the Golden Girls theme tune he pulled the mask on over his scarred face and walked back to the phone.

"...Hello?" the receiver said quietly, "Am I speaking to Deadpool? Hello, is anyone there?"

"This is Deadpool" he said with a flourish, "May I ask who's taking me away from my dear Bea in this time of mourning so that I can do the honour of shoving the script into a difficult to reach location on your body?"

There was a pause before the phone came back to life, "Deadpool the mercenary, I trust. I'd heard you were of an eccentric nature, but I must ask if you are available to do a job of the utmost importance."

"It's not in France is it? I'm not going there after what happened last time. How are you speaking on this phone anyway? It's as dead as that Phoenix broad. During the times she isn't alive I mean. She's like a phoenix or something, not even my dear Death can keep that crazy lady down. Not that I care about any of that, but as a member of the X-men I've got to keep abreast of all those mutant issues."

"I wasn't aware that you were a member of the X-men" The good humoured voice said at the other end of the phone.

"'Course I am," Deadpool lied, "We muties have to stick together, even if they do claim I'm not a mutant. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure cancer counts as a mutation, I think I learned that on a documentary with some guy wearing glasses and a weird moustache or something. But anyway since I've got that and have the tumours to prove it, they can't go around saying I'm not a member of the X-men. I've even made my own costume and everything! I've even got that Marvel Girl costume around here somewhere still as a back-up."

"Well mister Deadpool, before you get too off topic, may I just answer your questions from before," the voice said, "My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'm the headmaster of Hogwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Britain."

"Ooh! Magic phone call, got-it! A headmaster? Are you going to ask me to kill kids or something? 'Cause I won't. Unless they piss me off that is. I can see where you'd be coming from though, this one kid totally tried to diss me once and I had to defend my honour. I didn't cause any lasting damage, not physical that is. But after the way I owned him, he'll probably need therapy until he's thirty. I didn't even crack out 'Yo Mama Geddon' and he ended up losing his lunch and running home crying."

"You misunderstand me, what I ask is for you to come to England to hopefully assist in a most dangerous mission of the utmost importance. It will involve much dangerous magic and with luck, save the world from a most awful fate."

"So... How much is this paying?" Deadpool asked.

"Three-million Galleons. I believe that comes around to about thirty-million and twenty thousand dollars." Dumbledore replied.

With a quick whoop and a pumping motion Deadpool rapidly asked, "Just tell me where I need to go and as long as I don't end up needing to protect and or kill a giant free-will stealing alien again, I'm in."

"Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me!" Dumbledore said gratefully, "I'll have someone sent to your apartment to pick you up tomorrow evening, please be ready then." Dumbledore started to say something else when Deadpool cut in.

"Ooh! Ad break's over, Bea Arthur needs me!" And with that, he dropped the disconnected phone back on its stand and dove back onto the couch. Pulling his mask up half-way he picked up the bowl of cheese flavoured preservatives and returned to his position of comfort and declarations of praise.

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A/N: This is just a little idea that's been in my head a while and that I couldn't help but start to write out. It probably won't be updated very quickly, since I should focus on my other cross-over. But yeah, I love Deadpool and I wanted to try writing him. This is just for the lulz, so keep that in mind while reading.

Hope this isn't too awful! =D