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A fun, random crackfic

"You want me to do what?"

"I simply require you to teach the Personal/Social Education course while Ororo is in Africa."

"Make Slim or Red do it."

"They're busy with college."

"... What about Hank?"

"In Washington attending a mutant rights conference."

"Tin man? Stripes? Gumbo?" He was obviously getting desperate.

"All attending the class."

"Like the stinking Cajun needs to. The whole mansion hears him and Rogue at night," Logan muttered.

"I'm sorry, Logan. I know this isn't your forte but you're the only faculty member left."

"What about you?"
"I have to got and meet with Principal Kelly. Apparently, Bobby had been freezing things again."

Logan just growled.

-X-O-X-

The class was a disaster area. A fireball-fireworks-ice fight was in full flow across the room; Jamie was being chased by Piotr because the kind had stolen his sketch book full of Kitty pictures; Tabitha was listening to too-loud music and painting her fingernails shocking pink; and Rogue and Gambit were paying no attention at all being too wrapped up in each other. After "dragging Gumbo off Stripes", Logan made his way to the chalkboard, deflecting hit and cold projectiles with his claws.

"You shut up now, runts, or you spend the rest of the week in the Danger Room. With me!"

The room was settled pretty fast after that – aside from Piotr grabbing Jamie by the back of his shirt and taking his book back.

"I don't want to be here today, but I am. What are we even doing?"

"I know 'm doin' y', Roguey," Remy whispered audibly and grinned when Logan shot him an evil look.

"Mr Logan, I think it's to do with, like, that box on the table!"

Logan opened the box – and was greeted by the sight of several boxes of condoms. A single sheet of paper on the top detailed the lesson' aim: teach the students how to put on a condom.

"Today, you're-learning-to-put-on-a-condom," Logan ground out. "Gumbo, sit down."

"Mais I already know how t' use condom," Remy replied, catching Rogue's eye, "Y' can jus' ask ma cherie."

Logan was about to reply – or attack, whatever – when Bobby stood and made to pull down his pants.

"What are you doing, Ice cube?"

"Showing them how to put on a condom!"

Everyone giggled.

"Sit. Now..." He looked up at the ceiling and muttered, "I'm gonna kill you, Charles," before returning his attention to the class. "First, when you open the condom..." He stopped when the entire class copied his every action and growled. "First, you have to make sure it won't rip when you open it so push it down the packet before tearing the top open. Then, you take it out and– What are you doing now, Bobby?"

"It's like a little sombrero!" Bobby replied gleefully, putting the rolled-up condom on his head and doing a little dance in his seat.

That was the least of his problems: Tabitha had gotten bored and had unrolled her condom to fill it with cherry bombs; a whole box of condoms had 'mysteriously' gone missing when it had reached Gambit; and Jamie had stretched his condom over his head and was blowing it up by breathing out through his nose. After not finding the missing box, popping Jamie's condom balloon (which had reached an impressing two-and-a-half by one feet) and throwing Tabby's 'condom bomb' out the window (that statue didn't really need a head anyway... or the rest of its body), Logan rushed through 'taking out the condom' and reached 'putting on a condom', which, sadly, involved some multi-coloured penis models.

Jubilee would forever insist that it was Amara's fault and Amara would swear it was Rahne, but there was a poking-war-of-the-penises in the back row which ended only when Logan (who was on his second-last (SNAP!)... last nerve) demonstrated that he wished he could do to Remy if slice and dicing genitals wasn't considered assault. The class seemed to realise this was a waste of time as many (Rogue and Remy ~cough~) already knew how to use prophylactics and the rest didn't care.

The ice-fire-fireworks war restarted; Tabitha and Rahne played 'fetch' with a penis model; Rogue and Remy 'needed the toilet'; Kitty pulled out her latest batch of cookies and offered one to Kurt, her official taste-tester, who promptly 'ported away, leaving a stinking sulphurous cloud behind; Piotr began sketching and the New Mutant boys began a race around the room.

In the midst of the carnage, Jamie's lone voice piped up, "Mr Logan, what's a penis?"

Logan's final nerve snapped and, not even bothering to open it, jumped out the window and landed on the rubble of the exploded statue. After picking himself up, he ran in the general direction of Bayville High, yelling loudly, "You're dead-meat, Charles! You're dead-meat!"

And that was considered a perfectly normal day.