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The Krayon: Ahh, glad that you checked! I always update on Thursdays…and I would announce that again now but this is the last chapter so there really isn't any point…Antonio is absolutely adorable and it really hurt to make him sad, but that is how it would be, wouldn't it? Life doesn't always go smoothly even to the kindest people…I'm really glad that you like the song 'Hello Hurricane' now! It is my favorite song from my favorite band~ The lyrics are very uplifting. Thank you for the review!
There is a SLIGHT possibility that I may write another Hetalia story after this one (not counting historical oneshots; those just come out of the blue). If I do write it, it would have no affiliation with this story or Tancol? so if Prussia was one of the characters, he wouldn't be the same Prussia as in this story. Keep an eye open for my name~
This chapter is dedicated to all my readers who followed through with this story and all the characters until the very end. Thank you.
"Once you're alive, you can't ever be dead."
—Tim O'Brien, The Things They Carried
Elizaveta was afraid to watch it.
She stared at the tape in her hands. She found it in her mailbox with a brief letter from Ludwig explaining what it was. Gilbert's last words for her.
She turned it over in her hand and clenched her teeth.
If he had already prepared his last words for her, did that mean he knew for a long time that he was going to die?
She supposed that everyone had that thought deep in the darkest, dustiest corner of their mind, but no one wanted to drag it out into the open.
Especially her.
Elizaveta hugged the tape to her chest. Was she mentally prepared for this?
It didn't matter to her whether she was or not. She needed to know what Gilbert wanted to say to her, what he might have said to her had she called before she left her home that fateful day. Her heart still ached at the memory of how unforgivable time could be. She turned on the television, inserted the tape into the VCR, and waited.
The television came to life and Gilbert was before her, sitting up in his bed. Elizaiveta felt pain inside her at the sight of him. Had it really been a week since she had last seen him alive and well? It felt like years, lifetimes even.
"Last one," Gilbert muttered to himself. He breathed in, breathed out, and continued.
"Hi, Eliza," he said, waving. "I hope you're doing all right. I don't know when you'll get this, but—" He suddenly frowned and leaned in forward. "What? The camera's running out of batteries? What the heck, I just charged this thing!"
Elizaveta couldn't help but laugh. Typical Gilbert.
"Stupid machinery," Gilbert muttered. He sighed and shrugged. "I'll be fine. I'm not going to take an hour or so to do this."
It was as if he was right there in Elizaveta's room talking to her. He was alive again. She tentatively reached out and placed a hand on his. Her fingers met with static.
"I am going to be blunt," Gilbert said. "You are the most wonderful girl in the entire universe. I've known that for ages upon ages, and I want you to know that too. The fact that you came to visit practically every day when I was in the hospital, and then when I came home to die you still stayed by my side—it makes me wonder if I deserve any of that. I mean—I was pretty crappy to you back in the good ol' days, am I right?
"I guess you're wondering why I chose this way to talk to you instead of through a sappy letter or something else," Gilbert said casually. "Well, I can't write legibly to save my life anymore. In fact, I don't think I ever could write legibly. And…" Gilbert paused and bit his lip. "I heard that if someone has been dead for a while, you forget their voice. I didn't want you to forget."
Elizaveta knew that even if Gilbert didn't make the video, she could've never been able to forget his voice.
"You know, every now and then I would think back to the time we met," Gilbert said. "It amazes me how it all fell upon chance to bring us together. If you didn't throw that water balloon on that dog and start running away, or if you ran the other direction, or if you didn't throw the pinecone at my head, or if I wasn't outside playing—I think you get my point. Anyway, if all those events didn't collide together so perfectly, would it have been possible that we would have never met?"
Elizaveta shivered at the thought. She couldn't imagine life without Gilbert Beilschmidt. He was her life.
"Someone once told me…that everything happens for a reason," Gilbert said slowly. "That our whole life was planned out already, laid out like a roadmap. That everything we do is going to affect us greatly in the future. Everyone we meet has their part in shaping our lives, to help us learn more about ourselves or to grow into the person we will become."
He frowned slightly. "I don't know if that's true or not. Fate, destiny, all that jazz, I am still a little unsure of it. But even so, I can't deny that meeting you has turned my life around. And it happened all because we were so lucky to come together. Maybe it's fate, maybe it was luck. Or an answer to my prayers. I don't know if I became a better person than I was before, but I know that because I was so fortunate to meet you, I have definitely changed."
Gilbert paused and began to laugh softly.
"I sound so cheesy, don't I?" Gilbert sighed. "I don't care anymore. It's all right to be cheesy now. It's the truth. Cheesiness comes from the heart, doesn't it?" He leaned back against the wall and his face became serious.
"I also want to say that I'm sorry for being a total jerk back in the day," Gilbert said solemnly. "Francis likes to say that my being an idiot was my way of expressing undying love. Maybe that's true. But I do know that I got you really, really riled up, so sorry for all the unnecessary stress and anger I had to give you."
"Whoah..." Gilbert said, gazing out the window. He reached over and took the camera off its perch, recording the sky outside. It was a deep, rich sky blue with white downy clouds. Elizaveta could see the thin, cloudy trails left behind by flying airplanes up above.
"It's such a beautiful day," Gilbert said. He opened the window and extended the camera further out. "You know, it would be pretty funny if I dropped this thing. Depressing, but funny nonetheless." He breathed in the warm summer air.
"You know what this day would be good for?" Gilbert said. "Skydiving. Look at the sky! It's an endless blue. The clouds look like I could jump on them. Everything looks beautiful today. Everything is so alive. The grass and trees are greener. The sunlight is warm and sweet. Heck, it's a great day to just be alive, really."
Gilbert took the camera away from the window and replaced it on the bookshelf.
He reached towards the edge of the bed and with great effort pulled an acoustic guitar to his lap. The instrument overwhelmed him, but he managed to position his fingers on the strings.
"I thought that maybe, for one more time, I could sing to you again," Gilbert said softly. He strummed the chords lightly, his eyes closed. Elizaveta immediately recognized the song and she ached terribly inside.
"She sits across the room
I can't hear what she says
But I can see how her green eyes gleam
And how her laughter spreads
I can't get it out of my head
Because it's my favorite song.
Green eyes, can't you see
The green-eyed monster you make out of me
When you're with your other friends?
It's plain enough to see
That the girl I once rejected
Is now the girl of my dreams
But I'm too proud to say, so I pretend
That she means nothing to me
She's my worst enemy
And my best friend
She drives me up the wall
Our quarrels never end
She always makes me upset
She's such a pain in the neck
And every time we meet
My heart skips a beat.
Oh, Eliza, if only you could know
How I really feel about you.
Oh, Eliza, why can't you see?
What you're doing to me…"
He slowly put the guitar back down to the ground. His face was serious now.
"Could you please—could you take care of West and Vatti for me?" Gilbert asked quietly. "I feel like crap for leaving them. After Old Fritz and Mama—they're really strong, but I don't want them to be any more hurt than they should.
"And you too," Gilbert added. He took in a deep breath. "I want you to be happy. So when I die, I want you to get over me and then fall in love again. You can take as much time as you want, but please don't be sad for so long. Remember: life is so beautiful; relish every moment of it. Go and live the rest of your life as free and as happy as you want. Get married—you better get married because you're way too awesome to stay single. Whoever that extremely lucky man is, give him my best wishes."
Elizaveta shook violently. She didn't want to think of the future. She didn't want to forget about Gilbert so soon and think about getting married to a faceless, nameless stranger.
Gilbert opened his mouth to speak but then closed. He tried to speak, but it came out stuttered and jumbled. He chuckled softly.
"My tongue is tied now," Gilbert sighed. "I don't know what to say. You've got to leave me behind, Eliza. Remember me, but you should move on. Do you love me enough to let me go?"
Elizaveta swallowed hard and put a hand to her heart. She loved him, but to let him go was a very different story. It required strength that Elizaveta didn't know if she had. It required a kind of love that was almost unfathomable.
"I love you, Eliza," said Gilbert. His red eyes were gleaming; they looked absolutely beautiful. "I'll always love you, until the end of time. I promise."
He closed his eyes. A single tear trickled down his cheek. He gave her one last smile before disappearing from the screen.
Gilbert was dead again.
Elizaveta gulped for air as hot tears flooded her eyes. She closed them, letting the silky tears slide down her face and collect on her chin. She hugged herself, trying to fill the empty void where Gilbert should've been. How is it that she would never hug him again?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
Such a simple question that was so hard to answer.
She loved him so much that she didn't want to let him go; that was the problem.
"Gilbert?" she whispered into the emptiness.
She took in a deep breath, letting the silence fill her in.
"Please give me strength," she said, her voice trembling. It was barely above a whisper. "Please watch over me and help me get through this." She swallowed and it hurt her throat. "I want to let you go, but you've got to help me. I-I don't know how to do this myself…I'm not—I'm not strong enough."
She reached a hand out above her head, as if she could grasp his hand.
"Help me let you go, but please always be with me," Elizaveta sobbed. "In spirit, in my heart, in my memory. I don't want to forget you." Her throat throbbed and her eyes stung badly.
"Oh God, I miss you," Elizaveta choked out. "I miss you so much." She fought to breathe, the air tearing at her throat. "I want you here by my side." She leaned her head against the bed, letting the tears stream into her hair. "I'm so weak right now. Give me strength, Gil. Carry me through this.
"It hurts that you're gone," she murmured. "It hurts a lot, almost to the point where I feel numb. But I know this…I'd rather have had my brief years with you and all the pain that comes with losing you than to have never met you at all. I love you."
Elizaveta could see Gilbert in her dream, or her imagination, or from willpower. He was grinning at her and holding her hand. She couldn't tell where they were, but they were somewhere that was carefree and beautiful. He was laughing and so was she. Their voices echoed in her ears like a lullaby. He took both her hands and spun her around, twirling in the green grass and dry leaves. They were in a world where there was no pain or death or hospitals. They were free and young and happy. They were forever. They were spinning, twirling, laughing, singing, and as they finally let go of each other's hands, Elizaveta fell back into reality.
She opened her eyes to the blue darkness of the room. There was no sunlight anymore. No green hills, no laughter, no dancing, yet it seemed so indescribably real.
What would happen if she let him go?
Would she forget about him? Thirty years from now, would she still remember him?
This is where the healing begins.
In letting go.
Elizaveta froze. She didn't move because she knew that if she tried looking around her, she would see nothing. Yet she knew that the voice was unexpected, something she did not conjure herself.
Don't be afraid.
She closed her eyes and laid her head back down, lifting her hands up in prayer. She breathed in slowly, peace flooding her.
Everything will be okay.
She swallowed hard, nodding blindly. She would be strong. She would carry out Gilbert's wish.
"I promise," she whispered so softly that even she could barely hear it, but it was loud enough for the angels.
Gilbert was dead. She couldn't deny that. But even so, he was alive in this world still. He was the sunlight, the sound of laughter, the stars, in her heart.
Forever and always.
I love you, Gilbert.
Enough to let you go.
The flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free
The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free
I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on
Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless numb and sore
A part of you and me is torn
You're free
I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me
I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on
I'll carry on, I'll carry on
Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
So long my friend, so long
-Switchfoot "Yesterdays"