Prologue:

The winter solstice is the longest night of the year, the night in which the Earth's axial tilt is farthest from the sun. Cultures around the world have celebrated this night as a night of rebirth; but for me, it was symbolic of a death. A premature burial of sorts, the night when I would have to put to rest any longings for the life I had left behind.

The winter solstice, the longest night of the year. When one night is all you have left, even the year's longest and darkest seems to be too short.

Chapter One

I never completely abandoned my memories of my human life; the visit to Forks with Emmett was not my last, though I never revealed myself. I hoped that the rain would wash away my scent, and I was always careful to stay downwind of the house, just in case.

There were things about Emmett that sometimes brought Jake to mind... His size, the joy that was such an inextricable part of him, the vital masculinity. His boyish sense of humor and bravado... Then there were times that he reminded me of Edward, with his golden eyes and white skin. Apart from the rest of the family, I came to know a quiet, pensive side of him that I had not credited him with at first, a side of him that was thoughtful and intelligent, just like Edward. Though he had characteristics that reminded me of the two great loves of my human life, he was still wholly and completely Emmett. Thoroughly himself and comfortable in his own skin, he brought out a kind of happiness in me I didn't know I could feel. I laughed with Emmett in a way I had never been able to laugh with Edward. I don't know how much of my growing up was due to my change, and how much could be attributed to the simple passing of time, but I learned that the insecure teenage girl I used to be was completely and utterly wrong, on so many counts. Just because Edward was my first love, did not mean that he was meant to be the strongest of my existence. How many people can truly say that they're still with the first person that ever touched their heart? By holding myself to that immovable logic, I had hurt Jacob so deeply that it still sang in me sometimes. But I have been reconciled with the choices I made, because they've led me to a wonderful life with Emmett; a love full of laughter and based on mutual respect and admiration. With Emmett, I have never felt like I was less than he is, or that we were inequally matched. We were strong and beautiful together.

Renesmee adored him beyond reason, and every new accomplishment or bit of knowledge was an occasion for the two of them to celebrate.

After Charlie and Sue married, I would sometimes go back to visit. From the a high branch in the woods of the backyard, I watched the lives of the humans I had loved unfold.

I hoped that my occasional spying wouldn't be enough to cause a new generation of Quileute wolves; I wanted the pack's decendents to be free from the worry of battle, and the loss of will that accompanied imprinting. The rest of my family agreed wth me, and we never settled in Forks again.

I also never spoke to Jacob again. I thought of him every day, and occasionally saw him when I hid in the trees behind Charlie's house. At first, he looked completely broken, and haunted, but as time passed he began to stand up straighter and to resemble my Jacob more. When I saw him drive up with a small, dark haired girl, I rejoiced that Jacob had finally found love. I often saw them walking up the driveway together, and my cold, still heart sang when I recognized the thickening of her middle and the glow in her cheeks. I toyed with the idea of sending him a letter, or calling to let him know that I hadn't actually died in the fabricated skiing accident, but in the end, I didn't. I decided to be as selfless as Edward always insisted I was, and to let him heal in any way that he could. Knowing that I had changed was sure to be more than he could bear, even though the logical part of me knew that he was already completely aware of that fact. I hoped that his new love was worthy of him, and that he would find as much joy in being a parent as I had.

Edward visited on occasion, taking as much joy in his daughter as his guilt would allow. He eventually forgave me, but was never able to completely smother his bitterness towards Emmett, whom he accused of taking advantage of my weakness and dependence on his strength. He never credited me with any strength of my own, but he did meet a "cousin" of Tanya's when he was visiting Denali. Quiet and shy, Raisa was the submissive mate that Edward had always needed. Although we never lived together as a family, we were all able to be civil, at first for Renesmee's sake, then later out of a sort of mutual respect.

In a fit of mortification, Nahuel explained to us one night that his sisters all had menstrual cycles when they reached maturity, thus insuring that they could also have children. He claimed to have only told me so that I could be prepared when the day came, I often found myself wondering about his feelings for her; as the only female of his species that was not related to him by blood, it was a logical conclusion. I decided to cross that bridge when it came, but I was much more cautious about leaving them alone together when she began to grow into a young woman.

The wedding was a small one, with Garrett of the Denali clan officiating and Carlisle giving me away. I felt no compunction about this wedding, which led me to understand that the first one had been a mistake, albeit one that was worth every second because it gifted me with Renesmee.

We wrote our own vows, and Emmett surprised everyone but me with his choice of words.

"Bella, I won't make you a lot of unlikely promises. I can't bring you any celestial bodies, should you decide that you want them. It's exceedingly likely that I will, at some point, disappoint you somehow or make you angry. Just like you will somehow disappoint me and make me angry. I don't have such an unrealistic idea of us that I believe that there will never be an argument, or hurt feelings. I can, however, say without doubt that I will always do everything in my power to make you happy. I will fight for you, should it become necessary; I will take care of you should you ever find yourself hurt or unwell. I will keep your secrets and your heart safe.

In my life, I've burned a lot of bridges. Now, I find myself feeling grateful for the fact that there are rivers and oceans and planets worth of change that I can't go back across; all of those one-way bridges led me here, to the place where I found you holding all of my hopes suspended from the tips of your fingers. I have come a long way to find you, and I never want to go back."

With a strangled voice and a surplus of venom stinging my joyous eyes, I answered him.

"Emmett, I know that this road we're on is bound to be difficult sometimes. Like anything else, it will come with it's share of pain and disappointments, but I am willing to weather them gratefully if, in the end, I have you by my side. There are things that a person must be taught, and there are things that come easily, with no instruction necessary. Effortlessly...instinctual. I have always followed my instincts, sometimes to my own detriment. Suddenly, all of those mistakes and missteps seem like a prerequisite. Like maybe they were essential, and they were leading me here to the foot of this mountain. Without those moments, I would never be the person that I am. This woman I have become is worthy of you in a way that I never would have been, even a year and a half ago. Because of the pain that I've unintentionally inflicted upon myself, I am able to treasure you all the more. It's both overwhelming and slightly amusing to realize that all of this is a result of an impulsive decision. More accurately, the result of a hundred impulsive decisions... but I love you more than I have ever loved anything in my existence, and I am proud to share that existence with you."

I closed the journal with a sigh, and set it aside. Because of my perfect recall, it didn't matter that three and a half years had passed since Emmett and I got married; I could describe the event as if it were happening before me.

Renesmee had recently outgrown some of her more childlike pursuits, and seemed to be in the throes of pre-teen angst at the age of four. The only person who could soothe her was Emmett, who made her laugh, despite her best efforts.

We were living in Pemberton, British Colombia. There were a few provincial parks nearby with plentiful wildlife, and the town was small enough to somehow remind me of Forks. The proximity made it convenient for me to make my rare visits more of a regular occurrence, which worried me for the pack, but I couldn't help myself.

Jacob had a daughter; I'd overheard that her name was Sarah. I shouldn't have been surprised that he would name his daughter after the mother he'd lost at such a young age, but it caused my throat to feel thick and my eyes to sting when I learned of it. His wife, Naomi, was pregnant again. I knew that I needed to keep my distance; Leah had proven that the shape shifter gene could be passed to the female children as well as the males, and I cringed away from the idea that the beautiful little girl I sometimes saw in his arms, fighting against vampires alongside her father and his pack.

"Hey, Half-pint!" Emmett wrapped his arms around me from behind, planting a light kiss on my neck. "Writing again? I'm getting jealous of that pen… I know something else you could wrap your fingers around."

I chuckled at him, snuggling into his hard chest. "Mmm, hold that thought. It's time for Esme and I to start Renesmee's lessons for the day." He groaned and let me go, but not before planting a chaste kiss on the top of my head.

We'd decided that the only logical way to educate Renesmee was to home school her; there was no way on Earth that we could send her to public school with her rate of growth and the strength that she couldn't quite control. I grimaced anytime I thought of her in a normal PE class, picturing crumbling plaster and deflated basketballs. Sometimes, I thought of injured human students. No, it simply was not possible to send her to school. Though I often worried about the social skills that she'd be missing out on, I tried to push the thoughts from my mind when they came. There was no way around it, and I hoped that the frequent visitors from Denali and the Amazon would help her learn social graces.

Ah, the Amazon. They'd come up to visit while we were still living in New York, intrigued by the story that Edward had told them when he was searching for Nahuel and Huilen. Renesmee and Zafrina had struck up a fast friendship when Renesmee had discovered the huge vampire's gift for creating visions. She was entranced with what she called Zafrina's "pretty pictures," and they spent hours trading the things they saw in their minds. I was a bit envious of the relationship; I could see the things that Renesmee showed me because she seemed to be able to penetrate any shield, but Zafrina's visions could only come to me second hand, through Renesmee.

When we'd moved to Canada, Esme had selected a property that included two guest houses. Alice and Jasper's house was the closest to the main house, and the one Emmett, Renesmee and I shared was a bit farther back on the property. We'd found it to be an ideal situation; Esme got more houses to renovate, and Alice got to use an entire third bedroom as a walk-in closet fit for a Hollywood starlet. Jasper's small study served as a sanctuary for him to be free of the emotional climate of others, though he spent little time there. We were all so happy, he couldn't resist being around us.

Truly, we'd had no problems to speak of since I returned from Italy. The Volturi were no longer hovering on the horizon, Edward had found as much happiness as he was ever capable of with Raisa, and Rosalie had been taken out by the Quileutes before she'd had a chance to harm my father. The only issue we had was my own; my inability to stop spying on my human family. I knew that the rest of the Cullens disapproved of my actions in varying degrees, but only Carlisle was willing to discuss it with me.

"Bella," he'd said, in his soothing manner, "we all understand that you miss your father and Jacob Black, but you must think of the repercussions of your actions. Because Alice can not see the wolves, she would not be able to see if one of them discovered you in the trees. It would be impossible for us to get to you in time if you were found; we could only sit here in horror as your future disappeared. I beg of you, please limit your visits to Washington as much as you can bear. If Jacob found you, he might allow you to leave without a fight because of his love for you, but I can not be so sure of the rest of the pack. Especially the younger Quileutes like Colin and Brady, who did not know you when you lived in Forks, and would not be able to differentiate between you and any other vampire." I had nodded along as he spoke, all the time knowing that I was going to disregard his advice. I already was limiting my visits as much as I could bear… I was desperate for knowledge of the humans I had left behind. I hoped that their lives were unfolding happily, and deep inside, I wished that I could make a place for myself in them.

As I made my way to the main house where Renesmee and Esme were waiting for me to begin the day's lessons, I thought about the things that I had left behind.

Jacob POV

"Damn it, Naomi! Where is Sarah's diaper bag? I can't find anything in this fucking house!" I could feel the frustration sinking in to my bones, threatening to take over. When we found out that Naomi was pregnant again, I decided to stop phasing so that I could age with her. Actually, Naomi decided. Ever since then, it felt like I was always fighting to keep my temper in check, and the slightest things could send me into a rage.

"Jacob, calm down. It's in her room, in the cabinet under the changing table. Is she wet, or dirty?" She came to stand in the doorway, drying her hands on a raggedy old dish towel.

"She's fucking dirty, and she stinks to high heaven." I sat the baby down and she tottered over to her toy box. I knew I should grab her before she got too wrapped up in playing, but having her occupied while I searched for her bag was just too tempting. Naomi sighed and picked her up, gently placing her on the table and starting to undress her.

"Just go, Jake. Go for a run or something." I handed her the bag that I'd finally found, and took off.

****

I ran down the streets of La Push in my work coveralls, not paying any attention to the pounding rain or the cars whizzing past me. The imprinting thing was just as I suspected: a crock of shit. Sure, I would gladly die for Sarah, but the love I had for Naomi seemed forced on me. I loved her, but I knew that I wouldn't have looked at her twice if I didn't have the stupid fucking Magic Quileute gene that forced me to see her in a different light. Or maybe I would… there was something about her, in certain light, that reminded me so forcefully of Bella that it felt like a punch in the gut. She was small and pale, with long dark hair and big brown eyes; she was ten times more graceful than Bella, but didn't have the same spirit, the same fire I had loved in Bella.

As I ran, I tried to focus on my breath to keep the other thoughts at bay. I didn't want to remember the look on Billy's face when he met Naomi for the first time, and saw all of the Bella in her that I saw. Or the reproach in Sam's face when he caught me thinking about it.

"Jacob," he'd said to me one night, while we were having a beer after we finished patrols, "this is not healthy. You have imprinted, and if you will only focus the energy on Naomi that your body wants you to, this thing you still have for Bella would disappear. Naomi is the one for you, perfectly matched to you in every way."

"No," I said, through gritted teeth, "she is not matched to me perfectly. I am being forced to match myself perfectly to her needs. I become whatever she wants for me, because it's easier that way. She wants a houseful of kids, so we're starting work on the second one. She wants me to stop phasing, so I'll probably give in to that eventually. She wants me to keep working for Dowling's instead of opening my own shop, so that dream is shot to shit. Everything I want becomes secondary to her needs, and it makes me fucking sick. I wouldn't feel this way about her if I wasn't forced into it by the fucking Cullens. Do you realize that every problem, every hurt, every little thing that got screwed up along the way happened because they happened to settle in this part of the country? If they'd stayed away, you would never have broken Leah's heart, Bella would be pregnant with my child right now, and Naomi would have found a man that loves her because he wants to, not because he has to." Sam glared at me, angry that I broached the sore subject of Leah.

"You're right, I never would have broken Leah's heart. But I wouldn't have Emily, who I actually do love because I want to, and neither of us would have the children we have now." I snorted at him, and I could see him forcibly restraining his own anger.

"No, Sam. We wouldn't have the children we have now. But we'd have other children that we would have loved just as much, without all of the messy complications and all the pure fucking heartbreak that came along with imprinting and fighting. And it's not just about us. Embry is scared to death to date, because he's afraid he'll imprint and hurt someone. What if he never does? He'll spend the rest of his life alone for fear of something that might never happen. Quil gets the joyous task of explaining to a little girl that her life was decided for her before she was potty-trained. You're so full of "tribal pride" that you don't see how fucked this whole thing is." With that, I threw the beer bottle into the trashcan hard enough to shatter it, and ran home.

These were the thoughts that accompanied me on what was supposed to be a peaceful run to sort out my thoughts. The trouble was, my thoughts didn't need sorting out; they were in perfect order. I knew exactly where I stood on everything in my head.

The sound of my thundering footsteps on the cracked pavement became the rhythm that I focused on. Bel-la. Bel-la. Bel-la.