It could be compromising when you can't get it up

"Daniel!" Vala shouted, "It hurts!"

"Well, I know, but if you could just stop wiggling….then I'd get it out," came Daniel's frustrated reply. "Be still woman!"

Sam and Mitchell stopped abruptly as they passed the door to Daniel's office when they heard Vala's scream. They looked at each other. What were they doing? They heard Daniel let out a long sigh. None of them wished to get caught in the crossfire of one of Vala and Daniel's quarrels, or what else might be going on in there.

"I can't get it out. Why the hell did you put it in?"

"I thought you would like it."

"Why on Earth would you think...?"

"It makes me feel nice. I like it, I need it."

"You know, technically that is mine."

"You would never use it, so why can I not have some fun with it?"

Mitchell almost choked. Sam looked slightly chocked.

"I am rather surprised at you Daniel."

"Why?"

"Well, I thought that you, with your fingers and experience handling priceless artefacts would understand."

Daniel didn't really seem to follow her thoughts. "Understand what exactly?"

Vala's voice became slightly pithier as she yelled out, "To be gentle!"

"I'm being as gentle as I can"

"I bet you say that to all the ladies."

"Vala, please. Do you want me to do this or not?!"

"I am just saying, Colonel Mitchell or even Teal'c would have more sense than just to pull…"

"I can go and get either of them right now. You know, that's what…."

"Noooo, Daniel, you will do. Just do it quickly darling. I do not want it to leave any marks."

"Fine. Come here. Let's try another way."

Books hit the floor with a thud. Daniel clapped his hands on a surface. Sam and Mitchell could hear Vala move. They were too horrified, and intrigued to move.

"Let's try the desk. Sit down and I'll try to be as gentle as I can."

"You smell nice," Vala said softly. Daniel cleared his throat.

"Ah, well…I took a shower earlier."

"That feels nice…"

"I'm being gentle…"

"It is highly appreciated. Daniel, do not tickle me." Vala let out a laugh.

"I'm sorry. Could you lean back just a little? I'm having problems locating it."

Vala sighed. "It is there; you could feel it just a moment ago. I could feel you felt it."

"I found it, but….I can't get it up."

Sam and Michell looked at each other. Sam asked "Should we…?" Mitchell looked at her in horror. "I'm not going in there! I'd be scarred for life."

"But, are you sure that they, you know…?"

"Well, if it quacks like a duck it won't be a dog."

Still, Sam approached the door and put her hand on the handle and ever so slightly pushed the door and opened a small crack. Mitchell peered over her shoulder and as soon as the embracing couple came into view he let out a hiss. "I'm going blind!"

Vala was perched on Daniel's desk and the office occupant was standing right in front of her, between her legs, facing away from the door. His hands buried deep in Vala's hair, their heads close. His shoulders witnessed of a deep concentration. Sam whished herself to the other side of the galaxy and debated for a millisecond if she should close the door again. Before she could, Daniel spun his head around faster than she thought possible and in doing so, without taking his hands from Vala's hair, he slammed her against his chest. He looked at Sam and Mitchell and seemed to be at a loss for words. It took a few seconds before he could let out;

"This is not what it looks like."

Realising that he was more or less embracing Vala he quickly withdrew his fingers from her hair and tried to push away from the desk only to realise that the button on his sleeve was stuck in her hair. This resulted in an involuntary scream from Vala.

"Daniel!"

Daniel looked at Sam. "I could use some help here."

Sam entered the room slightly hesitant and went over to the desk. Daniel looked at Mitchell. "I've a pair of scissors lying about somewhere."

That resulted in yet another scream from Vala.

"Noooo Daniel!" You are not cutting my hair off!"

"Vala, the dammed thing must come out."

Mitchell found the scissors and handed them to Sam who tried to undo Daniel from Vala's hair. Finally freed Daniel looked down at Vala and said with a decisive voice "I'm not afraid of using these."

Realising that there was nothing more to be done, Vala sighed. "Right, just get it over and done with quickly."

"You shouldn't put these in your hair when we go on mission, Vala." Sam looked at her sternly.

"So, you have told me, again and again and again. But these greens and blacks need to be spruced up. I need to be spruced up. It makes me feel good and that makes everyone around me feel good."

"I wouldn't know about that," murmured Daniel, still lodged in front of her, somewhat slightly too close for it to be completely appropriate. Just get on with it, get that dammed thing out and be done with it. Once again he reached for her head and located the small clip that had lodged itself deep in her hair. Slowly he used the scissors without trying to cut away too much hair. It finally came lose and Daniel dropped it in Vala's hand.

"Next time, try to remember to take it off when you go to sleep. Even better, when you need a new one, don't use my credit card."

Later that afternoon in the mess hall, Vala joined Mitchell and Teal'c for an afternoon snack. They were discussing the morning's events.

"It appeared to be a compromising situation." Mitchell looked at her with questions in his eyes.

"A compromising situation?" Vala wasn't too sure what he meant and she didn't really understand why he was eyeing her.

"Well….you know, it looked like you and Jackson, you know, were doing what people do."

"I think Colonel Mitchell refers to copulation," Teal'c volunteered.

"Oh!" Vala threw a glance over her shoulder at Daniel that stood talking to Sam in the doorway. She let out another "Oooooh" when she realised what they were insinuating. "That would have been interesting." She left them silent, walked over to Daniel and put her hand on his arm. He looked down at her.

"Colonel Mitchell and Muscles has just informed me that I have been compromised. Do you not have some custom to remedy this situation? I think I read something in Jane's self-help books. I would not like to lose my status in you society just because you could not get it up."

She smiled her sunniest smile. Daniel almost dropped his papers and Sam could not help letting out a short laugh.

"You have no status!" Daniel looked slightly flushed and frustrated "You were not compromised!"

"I could be"

"You're not"

"I could be. I am free now."

Once again Daniel seemed at a loss of words, or was just unwilling to give a reply Sam thought.

Sam interjected. "For someone to be truly, hrm, compromised, in the sense I guess you're implying, there would actually have had to happen something."

"What would General Landry think, I wonder?"

"You're not telling Landry about this, Vala."

"Why not?"

"Because, then it would imply that something happened. Even though it didn't."

"But it did? Did it? Did it not?

"What?" Daniel looked confused. He felt a headache coming on.

"All I know" Vala said, "that if General Landry asks, I will be. I have been. I think."

With that she just smiled and rejoined Mitchell and Teal'c again. There was nothing else he could do but to sigh. He was glad when she left, as he once again tried to bury that unnerving feeling she always evoked. Why couldn't she just go away? Then he had to check himself; did he really want to see her leave the SGC?