Don't own the characters-
All humans-
couples are scattered and different-
Jakey-Cake and Edo-Kins are living together-
Hilarity abound-
-WEEK 2
Leah was in trouble, such big bad trouble. Edward could barely contain the bubbling fury that threatened to overflow from his indifferent countenance though you would be hard pressed to tell through his indifferent mask and a mask it maybe but then Edward wasn't outwardly the most expressive puppy in the liter, maybe his little sister Alice and maybe even his older brother Emmett, they might notice, maybe but not anyone else.
Bella would be cowering right now if she were here but then; the girl had enough foresight to not walk him to his apartment. Hadn't she mentioned something about possible murder?
"So, what do you think?"
"I think I want to strangle you."
"Oh Rommie, c'mon! I can totally get this clay cleaned up and off of the floor."
"I don't care about the floor you fool, I was talking about my sofa and coffee table! Why are they splattered in paint?"
Indeed, the leather furnishings, the wooden tables and well everything had been covered in drying paint horrendous orange and dry clay. Living with an art major was fine, dandy if the other person worked in their own rooms not in Edward's living room destroying and blowing up (this happened last week, Edward almost died...the kitchen had been nearly destroyed) made Edward want to dive off the deep end.
He was sure that perhaps if he worked harder he could afford his apartment himself, after all, when you were living with Jacob Black who had a long list of weird and insufferable quirks you could probably fly over the moon. It had been Leah's idea for Jacob to move in with Edward. 'He needs a place to stay; he'll pay rent and buy his own food.'
Oh how Edward would have the perverse pleasure of murdering Leah right now, lover or no. Wouldn't matter if she could do that bendy thing with her back or that she could tuck her leg right behind her head when-
"Hey, you weren't really attached to that beat up old beanbag were you?"
Heart aching...
"Why?"
Hands shaking...
"Well, you see, and this is going to make you laugh your ass off," Jacob grinned. "I was walking out of the kitchen right, and I decided I wanted to watch a movie. Since you made such a big deal about me eating while sitting on the furniture in the living room I decided to use the bean bag."
"That is furniture."
Pulse racing...
"Dude it is so not furniture. It's a bean bag. Anyway, I was eating hot chili and watching this movie-you know that one with the subtitles and the evil little vampire girl and that little blond kid?"
"Let the right one in?"
Shortness of breath...
"Yeah, well anyway, I was watching it and then it was that one scene where the evil little vampire girl jumps on that one lady and bites her..." Jacob paused thoughtfully, he looked almost scared. Good, he should be.
"Go on..."
Teeth grinding...
"I jumped and spilled chili and nacho cheese covered popcorn on it!"
"You WHAT?!"
Left eye twitching coupled by lightheadedness and joint pain.
"I'm sorry dude! Chill! I cleaned it up." Jacob pulled a frightfully bright orange cloth from his back pocket. He held the rounded edges in his hands; the smiley face that had been present looked like a wrinkled frown. "But I had an accident with the washing machine."
"Washing machine? You put a beanbag in a washing machine?"
Right eye joins left in twitching seizure what Leah calls The Dance of the Caterpillars.
He could feel himself slipping. Bye bye cool clam and collected Edward, may angels bring you to heaven on their wings. Evil Edward, the Edward that was going to prison for killing, maiming and flaying a barely legal American Indian over an open fire laughing maniacally was being brought out the kind of Edward that just screamed "Imminent Death."
"Hey Edward, you're ok right? I mean, it's just a beanbag."
Edward didn't think he needed to mention that the beanbag had been the first ever item he had purchased when he was fifteen when he'd gotten his first job...
He didn't mention to Jacob that he had loved the thing despite numerous times of near assassination it had almost gotten due to Alice and his aunt Esme who loathed it...
Nor had he voiced that he'd lost his virginity on it and that Leah loved to reenact their first time on it every Saturday night, right there on the smiling face of the beanbag with her legs all- (Off subject) - besides Jacob knew all of that anyway-Leah and Bella had explained it...
"OOMPH!"
...so the fact that Edward's fist landed with a direct hit to Jacob's jaw shouldn't have been all that surprising.
-WEEK 4
"So you gonna tell me what this is all about?"
"I don't think I will."
"You're eating a burger Mr. Mason. I think this is a call for an explanation. I thought you hated fast food. I think something's wrong with this picture."
"I don't think there is, Mr. Jones. I think you're just reading into things too much."
"Do you need help? Are you dying? Holy Hamburglar, you're dying aren't you Edward? You're dying and you wanted to try a hamburger before you met your maker! I'll be your HERO Edward, I'll save you! Is it gambling debts?"
"No, Hero, it isn't any of the above."
"Tell me then!"
"Fine-I just found out that Jacob had sex in my kitchen. I am not setting foot in there without it being properly cleaned. I was hungry and low on cash so I came here for something to eat. It isn't the melodrama you are making it to be."
Alfred F. Jones stared at his neighbor from across the brightly colored red plastic table of his favorite fast food place, McDonalds (obviously).
"So uh, you gonna finish those fries, Ed?"
Edward sipped his coke loudly as he pushed the fries across the table; the fewer arteries clogged in the place the better.
-WEEK 7-
Edward rummaged through the fridge, tired angry and well frustrated. It was his week to cook. He hadn't any idea of what to make. From her seat on the counter Bella sipped at her beer listening to Jacob as he and his little idiot friend Feliciano Vargas about the do's and don't of sculpture.
"Jacob," Edward inclines his head to the side, his eyes going to Bella first then to Jacob. "What do you want to eat?"
"Oh crap..." Bella almost groans.
"What?"
Before she can answer two sets of voices shout loudly in his ears.
"PASTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-WEEK 14
"You forgot to pay the light, didn't you Eddie?"
"..."
"It's ok, you forgot-"
"I hate you..."
"Hey man, why are you making it sound like my fault?"
"..." Heavy breathing. "Because My Darling Jacob, you were supposed to pay the light!"
"...so that envelope wasn't a birthday gift?"
"No, no it wasn't."
"I'm just gonna mosey to my room now."
"Yeah, you should."
Bam!
Crash!
Break!
"...Um...Edward...you weren't particularly attached to that lion sculptur, right?"
"..."
Punch!
"...yeah, that's what I thought..." Jacob shrugged his shoulders wincing at his aching jaw. He flipped Edward off or where he thought Edward was standing, after all it was really hard to see in the dark. "Ass-hole."
WEEK 22-
Edward was enjoying his free time. Exams were over, summer was just beginning Leah would be at the apartment later to make his favorite dinner and above all, Jacob was getting ready to leave for the summer with his father. During all the nice peace and quiet Edward allowed himself to take a little catnap on his (new) sofa and had been sleeping quite soundly for allover twelve minutes before being awakened by a slight weight resting on his chest.
'I'm not looking, I am not opening my eyes. Whatever, it is has to be a part of some dream because there is no one here, and if there is it's that damn mutts fault.'
He opened one green eye just for a peek before the other joined and he stared on in horror at what exactly was lying on his chest.
"What in the name of Mozart?!"
"Oh, yeah Edward, you remember Matthew Williams right?"
"Who?" Edward was bewildered.
Who was Matthew Williams? Oh wait!
"Alfred's cousin Mathieu?"
"Yeah! Well anyway," Jacob was standing in front of the sofa now with a boyish grin on his dark face automatically giving Edward an overall bad feeling. "-Mattie's going away for the summer with Katyusha."
"Ka-what? Oh, you mean Yekaterina Braginskaya." The image of his short blonde haired rather big busted whiney classmate entered his mind-she was Ivan Braginski's older half sibling wasn't she? She was a nice girl like, her brother-even if Edward seemed to be the only one who liked Ivan. People tended to avoid the Russian boy like the plague although Edward couldn't see why. "Isn't she visiting her parent's in Ukraine?" Edward asked.
"Yep. He's going with her."
"Good for them." He said staring at the ball of white ball of fluff sitting on his chest. "However, that does not explain the little polar bear currently seated on my chest like someone on, lets say, my dearly departed Beanbag friend Steve, may he rest in peace."
"Still not over that, huh?"
"Don't change the subject." Edward said eyeing an all too innocent looking Jacob Black. "What does this...thing have to do with Mathieu and Yaketerina?"
"Well, I sort of kind of offered to watch the little guy." Jacob pat the bear on his fluffy head. "But when I mentioned to my dad about bringing the little guy with me to the house this summer he told me that he was allergic to animals (Edward: He dealt with you for seventeen years under his roof, he obviously lied to you.) -so I figured you could watch Kumajiro!"
"Watch who? I'm no babysitter, Jacob Black you dog!"
"The bear. That's his name, Kumajiro." Jacob swings his bag over his shoulder and walks quickly (read: runs) to the opened door. "Have a great summer Edward!"
When the door slammed shut Edward felt his nice neat collected summer plans breaking at the seams; being alone in the apartment with Leah, being alone in the apartment without Leah, reading in the living room without interruption, no dirty socks in the kitchen, no mess at the bathroom sink, no one to leave the toilet seat up, no weird experimental foods in the freezer and maybe breaking in the new beanbag that Bella had bought for him for his birthday. 'He might not be Steve but he's a nice beanbag! Isn't his blue color calming?'
But now there was none of that. There was an animal a BEAR in his home. He could see it. The bear tearing at his furniture, chewing on his shoes, relieving himself on the floor, having to be cleaned, needing constant attention...basically even if Jacob was gone he was stuck with an animal that exhibited all of Jacob's qualities.
What if the thing decided to kill Rasputin? Edward didn't think he could handle losing another beanbag friend!
He looked into the little beady eyes of the polar bear for an intense moment before making himself smile, he could do this! He was Edward Anthony Mason Jr. he was a survivor, after all, when you were Jacob Black's roommate your life was always in constant danger!
"Well, Kumajiro, it's just you and me. I'm Edward Mason, your host for the summer."
The bear cutely tilted its head and blinked. Edward admitted that it was kind of, cute. It didn't seem to be a loud animal thus far and the way it was resting on him reminded him of Rosalie's overgrown, obese housecat Isabella.
"Who?"
"...did you just talk?"
"Where is Canada?" Kumajiro asked as he hopped off of Edward and proceeded to climb onto Rasputin promptly falling asleep.
"Huh...well you don't see that everyday." He said with a short laugh interrupted of the smell permeating from his chest and the odd warmth almost like he was wet...
"Damnit !"
Edward damned Jacob to the seventh layer of hell that summer.
-
Karin:
I started this out as a way to combat writers block and somehow it turned into this!
Hetalia mixed in as normal people...I find it funny that Ivan and Edward would be friends, funnier still that Edward seems to use Mathieu instead of Matthew-I figure, that when I continue because well this is just for giggles and not serious at all so it'll be much easier to continue with then anything serious, that Edward will somehow be related to Francis Bonnefey (Lord help all the pretty people because France...well...you know...).
I found the idea of Edward and Jacob living together to be hilarious in many way-Jacob seems rather messy and fun while Edward's clean and has little eccentricities that seem to pop up whenever the mood hits him (which will be topic for discussion in later chapters). Jacob and Edward's clashing isn't that far off of my own experiences with living with my friend Janice-it worked out for a year before she decided to move out.
I love her but I couldn't be happier about getting rid of My Jacob of a roommate.
Anyway, about Edward's Beanbag love? Eccentric nature shinning through. About naming them? Well the name Steve is homage to Edward's favorite actor Steve Martin. Rasputin is named from Grigori Rasputin, which Edward named to frighten Jacob. Eccentric, again I cannot tell you why I decided to make Edward insane but as it happens he seemed to create himself completely in this story. I had no control.
Also to add a note, I am not a fan of the Twilight series however, I love the characters ONLY in fanfiction-because in my opinion fanfiction writers have given SMeyer's characters the layers that their original creator has not and have made them incredibly likable...like Edward. I hate BOOK and MOVIE Edward but I adore FANFICTION Edward who more often then not, tends to be really broody and weird.
Anyway, you might notice Edward's girlfriend is Leah Clearwater and not Bella. You see, before you destroy me fan girls, I would like to say that at one point Edward and Bella were together in high school. It didn't work out, they broke up. Bella still is prominent in Edward's life she is a very good friend of his and Jacob's. Incidentally Rosalie named her fat cat after Bella-she still doesn't like her.
Italy (Feliciano) is a good friend of Jacob's so that means that Germany (Ludwig) will be coming in soon as the voice of reason or probably the guy who saves Jacob from being strangled to death.
The Bad Touch Trio will become a quartet.
Poland (Feliks) will like totally make an appearance!
America (Alfred) will be intruding and taking things completely the wrong way...feel bad for Sam Uley and Emmet McCarty.
Russia(Ivan) will KolKolKol much to Carlisle's horror.
And there will be fainting and shouting:
Estonia (Eduard): Lativia! (Raivis)
Alice: Jasper!
Did I mention they (Jazz and Latvia) would be related? No, well they will be.
Review this and tell me if it's funny at all. It isn't a completely serious story so it's easier to write, I guess, and well, tell me what you think.
Don't flame otherwise I will send Belarus on you (of course under the condition that she may marry Ivan and well...that'll never happen unless she catches him)
-BYE!