Note: The format is pretty simple, if not redundant, but that's the whole point. I think you'll catch on quickly.
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love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me
-edge of desire, john mayer
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Dear Macy,
I know you probably never want to speak to me ever again. But the thing is I can't stop thinking about everything we've been through, all the things that have happened and changed.
And Macy, never change for anyone, especially me. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to. Maybe that's why this break is for the best. I know someday you'll understand.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
I think I'm still in love with you. Scratch that. I know that I'm still in love with you.
I'm still in love with the way you're never afraid to throw your head back and laugh. I'm still in love with the way you always wrinkle your nose when you get frustrated with a math problem. I'm still in love with the way you're stubborn and genuine, at the way you get so happy with the simplest of things. Everything. Even the things I made you feel bad about, the reasons I listed to you to prove we would never work out in the end anyway.
We may be too different or completely incompatible. We might have been completely foolish for trying to be more than just friends. I might have said all those things to you, but it doesn't change the fact that I'll probably never love a girl like I loved you.
I'm sorry I never got around to telling you that.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Isn't it funny how the one time I'm the one to break it off, I find it the hardest to let it go, to let you go.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Do you remember that time you came to my house in the middle of the night and cried to me about your parents separating?
I remember holding you and it hitting me, for the first time, how small and delicate you felt in my arms, almost like you were made to fit just right there, against my chest.
Your nose was running, your eyes were watery, your cheeks wet but I remember thinking, in that very moment, as you wiped your tears and tried to compose yourself, I never saw a girl more beautiful than you.
I think that's when it sort of changed, or at least that's when I realized that things were different with you. That this wasn't like all the other times I had 'fallen in love.'
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Sometimes when I try to fall asleep, I try to think of the exact moment everything started to go downhill - when everything started to fall apart, when I started to pull away, when it became too late.
I think about if I tried a little harder, if I didn't give up so easily, carelessly, how things would have worked out. Maybe things could have repaired themselves; maybe we could have been something great.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
You know it's never fifty-fifty in a relationship. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.
I'm sorry for never giving enough. But most of all, I'm sorry for making you feel like you were the one that was never enough.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Joe showed me some of the pictures Stella sent from the summer you guys spent together on your road trip. There was one where you were sitting with your feet dangling down a pier, looking out at the sea. You looked so at peace, so completely different from all those evenings and nights where we constantly argued and I made you cry.
I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for making you feel like you were never enough. I'm sorry for being so difficult and moody and cross.
I hope you're happy, wherever you go, whatever you do. I hope you find happiness in all the places you explore, discover, and make your own.
You deserve so much more than I ever gave you.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
How did you meet him?
Did you know from the second you met him and started talking to him that you were going to take a chance with him?
Does he make you feel those butterflies at the bottom of your stomach, the ones you used to tell me, in between our kisses, that I always made you feel whenever I was near you?
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Stella told us about you starting to go steady with that guy you started to date a month or two ago. I'm happy for you—
Okay, we both know I'm lying.
I'm not happy for you.
I'm angry and it hurts just thinking about someone else holding your hand and leading you through a crowd of people, about someone else kissing you goodnight at your doorstep or someone else making you smile like you're the happiest person in the world or singing to you as you fall asleep (he's a singer too right, that's what Stella told us at least).
I know it's selfish of me (but that's always been one of my biggest flaws, remember you told me that once while we were arguing about something or the other).
I know it's been a year but—
It's obvious you've let go of me, so why can't I let go of you?
For some reason, I can never figure that one out.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
I kissed someone.
I kissed someone and it felt so absolutely wrong that it broke my heart even more than it's already broken.
She didn't taste like you; something light and summery, like your favorite citrus-flavored brand of gum and all I wanted to do was get away from it, all of it.
I didn't want to kiss down her jaw line or have our fingers intertwined or have her run her fingers through my hair – all the things we used to do in the back of my car, those memorized, routine actions and familiar touches we fell into with one another, do you remember?
I wanted to get over you so bad but I couldn't – I can't.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
This is me trying to move on.
This is me miserably failing.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Do you remember that time we went to the beach and you stood there in the sand, facing the ocean, completely still and told me this was where you felt most at home.
Remember when you asked me where I felt most at home and I couldn't answer the question for some reason.
It wasn't until we were driving back home and you were sleeping with your head against the window in the passenger seat next to me, bathed in the moon's light, the radio humming in the background to the sound of the wheels against the road that I realized I felt most at home with you.
Wherever you were, as long I was there with you, home never seemed too far away.
I guess I just never got around to telling you that.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
I tried to hate your boyfriend, I really did.
He's a nice guy. There's something easy-going about him. He knows how to be comfortable with himself. He knows how to live life fearlessly and appreciate it no matter where it takes him, just like you. No wonder you fell for him.
He's pretty talented too. The whole band is.
He never brought us up; even though I'm pretty sure he knows everything.
It's fine. It's not like we were anything epic after all.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Remember that night you asked me if I even loved you and I couldn't say a thing. So you just nodded your head, like you understood, even though your eyes were tearing up and your bottom lip was trembling and you whole body was shaking.
I think that's the night I started to lose you. You just turned around, looking lost and defeated, and started walking away, without another word or glance back, blending yourself in with the crowd of people and the walls.
The thing is, I did love you. Don't ask me why I couldn't express it then. Maybe it was because for the first time I understood that whatever I felt for you was far deeper than an infatuation, maybe for the first time I finally understood what they meant when they said that falling in love and being far too young could be the most terrifying experience in your life.
Who knows.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Someone asked me today who my songs were about, all that heartbreak and angst, where did it come from?
How could I possibly tell them it's about a girl I fell in love with back in high school and never had the heart to fall out of love with.
A girl who'll never really know because I never let her.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
"A photo says, you were happy, and I wanted to catch that. A photo says, you were so important to me that I put down everything else to come watch."
Do you remember how you would always singsong that into my ear when you'd catch me off guard and take a snapshot of me doing something exceptionally ordinary and I'd grumble about it being a waste of film and time.
You always laughed at me, told me one day I'd look back and think differently.
You were right.
My mom found some of your pictures in one of my drawers while she was helping me clean out my room.
You loved to capture the little natural moments, swim in them, make their simplicity into something wondrous in ways no one else would think to.
I miss that. I miss you being in my life and making me see things in a different slant of light.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
How come we never fall for the people we're supposed to?
I was waiting in this girl's living room while she finished up getting ready to go out for dinner when I started randomly reading through The New Yorker on her coffee table and I happened to come across a piece with photos that were credited to you.
You're a photojournalist. It makes sense. You always had a passion for that sort of thing.
They were lovely shots by the way.
Is it okay for me to say I've never been happier for someone than I am for you?
Is it okay for me to tell you that even after she and I left for our date, all I could think about was you?
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Someday I'll get the courage to write a song that isn't about everything we could have been, but everything we were.
Someday I'll write a song (about madly, truly, deeply) and you'll know.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
Remember one night neither of us could sleep. You called me and we talked into the early morning and you asked me if I ever got scared before a performance and I told you I didn't anymore.
I lied.
I still do. It's like my heart stops for one sick second and I forget all the lyrics and the notes.
For one sick second everything comes crashing down and all I hear is the steady strum to run, run away and never look back.
Being with you made me feel like that sometimes too. My head would spin and I would forget everything but you and that steady strum telling me to run, run away.
So I finally did.
I don't think I'll regret anything more than that.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
You know I could retell a hundred of our stories, reminisce over old memories, but they retrace their way towards the same ending.
There is a spark, a blossom followed by an engulfment, fizz and smoke remaining and than a breakage, a drift, separate paths that feel something akin to letting go and setting free.
They all end the same way, don't they?
Nick
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Dear Macy,
You're never too young, are you?
Nick
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Dear Macy,
You were always a leap of faith, a catch of lightning, a flicker of light, a skip of a heartbeat.
You followed wherever your heart led you, jumped wherever it told you to, and you never needed anyone to catch you as you fell (into love, heartbreak, whatever it put you through).
Secretly, I used to like to think there was no point in dwelling in forevers for longer than necessary, but the truth about forevers is that they live in you, only of course, if you believe in their existence.
You always believed. I'm sorry I could never do the same.
I'd like to think there's a reason why you've been with the same boy for the past five years, a reason why in three days you'll be walking down the aisle with the same boy, a reason why that boy isn't me.
He wasn't afraid to believe in a forever, with you particularly, and you deserve that.
You deserve a forever.
Nick
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Dear Macy,
I guess one day we all have to wake up and realize that all we've lived through in the past is not eternal, is it?
I guess it took me a little longer to accept that.
Maybe some day we'll reconnect and talk about all the things we've missed out on in each others lives, and maybe someday I'll finally give you all these letters.
But for now, I think I'll just keep this last one in the shoebox with the rest of them, all neatly stacked on top of one another. Maybe some day you'll read all of them and know. Chances are though, you'll probably never even know about their existence.
Nick
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What can I say? I really like to make Nick suffer for Macy. I have no idea why. It just makes their possible relationship all the more fascinating. Plus, Nick's the easiest target personality-wise when it comes to the show and this sort of style. By the way, if you could pick up the two Jodi Picoult lines, you're uber cool.
Tell me what you think?